Broken Process

by Bethany Jadin

  She looks back and forth between us, her eyes trying to assess this turn of events. “Yes, you could say that.”

  I clear my throat, trying to think of the right thing to say. I’ve walked in on something I wasn’t prepared for. But I don’t know if I’ll ever feel prepared, so I might as well forge ahead. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Emma takes a deep breath. “Well, since you’re here...” she falters for a moment and looks down. A few beats pass, then she wraps her arms around herself and looks back up, her gaze trained on Jax. “What I was trying to tell you is that I’ve acted on my… attractions. You should know I’ve been with Jude.” Her eyes move to me. “And the other guys, too.”

  Jax and I glance at each other before looking back at Emma. “We know,” we say in unison.

  She raises both eyebrows in surprise. “Um… okay, then.”

  I shoot another glance at Jax. Neither of us know how to follow that, so we remain quiet, waiting for her to digest the news. The weight of this moment hits me — this right here, it could make or break things. I’m not ready for that. I could say the wrong thing and fuck it straight up, for all of us. As the silence stretches out and an odd, unsettled disquiet fills the room, I’m beginning to wish I’d kept my ass in the living room.

  Emma lifts a hand and waves a finger between us. “So, you’ve all talked about it, then?”

  “Uh…” I say, not sure if anyone could call our terse conversation in the office talking about it. “It came up. But very briefly.”

  She nods, but her expression says she’s still reeling a little bit. “What is this for you all?” Her voice is sincere — and tinged with a hint of what I’m guessing is her deepest fear. “Is it… some kind of a competition?”

  “Definitely not,” I say adamantly. Jax gives me a sideways glance, and I plow ahead. “Okay, yeah, we might feel a little competitive at times, I suppose. But not the way you think.”

  Jax speaks up. “None of us planned this. I’m guessing you didn’t, either.”

  She shakes her head with a dry laugh of incredulity. “No. No, I definitely did not plan this.” Emma rubs her arms. “I think I need to sit down.” She moves to the bed and sits on the edge.

  I stand for a long moment, not sure what to do. I know there are a million things I should be saying, things that would put her at ease, explain that we’re all in the same place she seems to be — entering this brave new world with no roadmap, no game plan. That we’re trying to sort out what’s happening, too. But no words are coming to me. I can’t even think of how to start the conversation we need to have, much less how to say the things I’ve been feeling since Emma came into our lives. And I don’t have to look at Jax to know he’s caught in the same wordless clusterfuck that I am.

  A long silence passes, and it’s not the usual kind of comfortable quiet I’ve experienced in my time around Emma. Instead, there’s something awry, a tension in the air, and it’s not just the topic at hand making us uneasy. But I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.

  Emma is the first to speak, her voice soft. She swallows nervously and looks up at Jax. “You must hate me.”

  He furrows his brow in confusion. “Why?”

  Her eyes dart to my face and then to my brother’s. “Because… I’ve been with your friends. With your brother. But not with you. I mean, not really.”

  Jax shakes his head dismissively. “I don’t care about that.”

  Holy shit. My brother’s words echo in my head as I soak in the look on Emma’s face. The potential complications, the almost guaranteed mess that springs into existence when multiple people get tangled up in sex and feelings — that’s enough to make anyone apprehensive about how to handle things. But it dawns on me that it’s not the only thing bothering her. I almost let out a bellow of air in relief, because this is a topic I know how to manage. Jax is usually the one with clarity, the one with the words to say what I can’t. But right now, he’s blind as a fucking bat.

  “She cares,” I tell him. It’s written all over her face — the doubt, the questioning, the worry that Jax doesn’t desire her the same way she does him.

  Emma blinks in surprise at my comment, stunned into a momentary silence. I get that feeling. I’m surprised I said it, too. This is new territory for me.

  “What?” Jax stares at me then at Emma.

  For fuckssake. The rest of us have at least made that physical connection with her, taken that step of intimacy beyond words. I know Jax was part of the fun with Emma and Gunner, but he’s the only one who hasn’t… actually crossed the threshold. I turn to him. “Do I have to explain this shit to you like you’re five?”

  Jax shoots me a glare, but I just shrug, What? Wise up, brother.

  “Jude’s right,” she says quietly. “I don’t know why, but it bothers me. It feels off balance somehow.” Before either of us can reply, she rubs her face and lets out a small laugh of disbelief. “Oh my God, this is the weirdest conversation I’ve ever had.”

  I nod. “I’d have to agree,” I say, although I leave off the fact that it’s strange for me because I don’t normally run mediation. That’s never been my strong suit. But right now, I’m not only surprised, I’m kinda proud, too, since it means I’ve gotten to know Emma well enough to read her — even the thoughts she’s afraid to say aloud.

  She shakes her head, the absurdity of the situation hitting home. “I mean, I literally just admitted to being upset that your brother hasn’t slept with me. Of all the things I never thought I’d say in my life, that one has to take the cake. I must be fucking crazy.”

  Emma stands up and begins pacing again. There’s a restless energy in the room, and it’s starting to set me on edge. But I can see now that it has little to do with me. It’s not even this conversation, although it’s certainly amped things up a bit. It’s these two. There’s too much up in the air between them. Absurd or not, this is the situation we’ve stumbled our way into. And in my mind, there’s only one way to settle the issue.

  “Then we’re both crazy,” I tell her. I turn to my twin. “Because I think this tension between the two of you needs to end, now. It’s eating away at you both.”

  Jax raises his hands, motioning to the room. “What the fuck do you think we’re doing, here? We’re talking, aren’t we?”

  I counter his defensiveness with a look. “Maybe this is one area that needs more of a hands on solution, my brother.”

  Emma’s eyes go wide, and I swear to God I see a flush of color on my twin’s face as he stares at me, an understanding sinking in. I know that look — it says, how could I have missed something so obvious?

  “Actions speak louder than words. Show her,” I say, partly to drive the point home, but also because I’m sadistically enjoying the hell out of seeing Jax flustered.

  He snaps out of his reverie. “What are you, a goddamn wordsmith today?”

  “Someone needed to say it, apparently.”

  Jax moves to the door and jerks his thumb toward the hallway. “Hey, Dr. Phil, why don’t you get the fuck out so Emma and I can finish our conversation?”

  “Sure thing,” I say, hopeful that I’ve set things on the right path, but relieved as hell to be dismissed. I’ve somehow managed not to completely wreck everything, so I need to leave now before I do.

  I give Emma a parting nod and turn to my twin with a cocky grin as I step back out in the hallway. “Sure you don’t need me to stay and show you how it’s done?”

  He gives me a deadpan look and says, “Go fuck yourself.” Then slams the door shut. A split-second later it opens and he sticks his head out. “Actually, tell the rest of them Emma and I are going to be a few more minutes, then go fuck yourself.”

  I flip him off and he slams the door again.

  11

  Emma

  Jax turns from the door but doesn’t make a move toward me. Instead, we just stare at each other as voices float in from the hallway.

  “Did I hear Jax just say they were goin
g to be a few more minutes?” It’s Zoey.

  “If I know my brother, they’re going to be more than just a few minutes.” Jude’s voice bristles with amusement, and on this side of the door Jax rolls his eyes. “We should go ahead without them, if that’s okay with you. How does that new Italian restaurant over on Lexington sound?”

  “Pasta and prosecco with four handsome men? I think I can handle that.”

  I hear the delight in my best friend’s voice, and it makes me smile, despite all the thoughts running through my head in every which direction. Their voices grow faint, and a few moments later I hear the door to the apartment open and shut, and everything grows still.

  My eyes have never left Jax’s face. I can’t read his expression, but I’m still trying to wrap my mind around what just happened. I had no idea the direction our conversation would take — at the most, I was just hoping for a little insight about what happened at the bar last night. Bits and pieces began coming back to me in the shower — Jax smashing through the crowd like a man possessed — and then more and more throughout the afternoon, but before we got too deep into that, our conversation took a turn into a minefield of other stuff. And then Jude joining in… and the twins dropping the bombshell that they all know — and seem fine with it. That last part might be blowing my mind more than anything.

  Jax is the first to speak. “I see that look in your eyes, Emma.”

  I’m almost afraid to ask. “What look is that?”

  “You think I don’t want you.”

  Damn, he’s cutting right to the chase. “It’s crossed my mind,” I admit. Then I quickly add, “And I would understand if you don’t. I mean, honestly, I can’t see how any of you could still want me, knowing what you do. Most guys wouldn’t.”

  “We’re not most guys.”

  I lean my back against the wall of my bedroom and take a deep breath, my eyes falling to the floor as I try to find the right words to express how I feel about that. I want to tell him that I know there’s something special about them. That it both amazes me and scares me. I want to tell him that it’s like finding out magic really does exist — the wondrous stuff of fantasy, but holy shit, it just changes everything, too, doesn’t it? But that sounds silly in my head.

  After a moment, Jax calls out to me. “Emma?”

  I raise my eyes to his. “Yes?”

  “You’re all I can think about. You consume my every thought. That’s why I lost my shit last night.”

  My heart races at his words, my breath shuddering in my chest. “You were protecting me.”

  He shakes his head. “No, it was more than that. Just them looking at you — God, it was tearing me up inside. And then when that guy touched you, holy fuck.” His jaw clenches, and he draws in a deep breath through his nose, anger flashing in his eyes. “I was ready to rip his throat out. And I don’t mean that metaphorically. I actually wanted to kill every motherfucker in there.”

  I swallow hard, beginning to understand some of the fury I saw Jax unleash last night. But it just leaves me all the more puzzled about our situation. “But… you said you didn’t care that I’d been with Jude, or the other guys.”

  He shrugs, turning his hands up. “It’s different. Somehow. Maybe Trigg or Gunner or Daniel could explain it better — all I know is that it’s a completely different feeling when I think of you with them than when those guys had their eyes on you at the bar.”

  I nod as something clicks into place in my head. It runs contrary to everything I’ve known about men and friendships and jealousy and sex… but somehow, with the five of them, it makes sense. In some ways, they’re like five sides of the same stone.

  “I feel really lucky, I want you to know that,” I tell him. A sentimental feeling is taking hold, and I’m getting misty-eyed, but I can’t help it. I have to say it aloud, no matter how vulnerable it makes me. “To know all of you. Even if I wake up tomorrow and it’s all been a dream, it’ll have been the best dream I’ve ever had.”

  Jax moves toward me. “If you’re dreaming, then I never want you to wake up. I’ll exist as a figment of your imagination for the rest of my fucking life if it means I get to stay here, with you.”

  “Jax…” I draw in a sharp breath, trying to choke back the sudden tears springing to my eyes as a whole mess of feelings rise inside me and threaten to spill out.

  “And I don’t want you to ever have doubts about me. You have no fucking idea how much I crave you.”

  He draws close, stopping right in front of me, just two feet away. His gaze never leaves mine as he pulls his shirt off. His biceps flex, and his lean, muscular torso ripples as he balls up his shirt and throws it down to the floor.

  Jax reaches for my hand and presses it against his chest, unspoken words in his eyes that mirror my own. I search his face, and the truth of what I see there takes my breath away. It’s all I can do to not dissolve into an ugly-crying puddle of feels.

  After a long moment, he moves our hands lower, sweeping south inch by inch across his abs and stomach. I sniff back tears as his slow, sensuous movements awaken different parts of me, the mood in the room shifting.

  “My brother’s an asshole sometimes,” he says. “But he’s right about one thing. I don’t need any fucking words to show you how I feel.”

  He steps closer, nuzzling against my neck, drawing in the scent of my skin through his nose as he moves my hand down to the front of his jeans. I take in a sharp breath as I feel the firm outline of his cock under my palm.

  I rub my hand along his length, stroking him through the fabric as he turns his attention to the buttons of my shirt. One by one, he undoes them, his gaze trained on me as his fingers work, fire in his eyes. My heart is pounding, and I’m afraid to say anything — I don’t want to break the spell. The desire for him that I’ve been trying to contain bursts free and swells inside of me, pouring into every fiber of my body. I need him to keep going. To strip me bare and claim me as his.

  He pushes the shirt off my shoulders and down my arms until it just needs a wiggle of my hands and it’s free, falling to the floor at my feet. My jeans are next, and he practically rips them off me, turning them inside out as he pulls them down my legs and tosses them away.

  A second later, his hand wraps around the back of my neck, crushing me to him, his mouth on me hungry and urgent. I melt into his arms as soon as his lips touch mine.

  My hands fly to the top of his jeans, and I unbutton them with trembling fingers. As soon as I have the zipper down, I reach in and wrap my hand around his cock — oh, God, so thick and hot, my pussy pulses as I stroke him.

  “See what you do to me?” he whispers in my ear as he kisses my neck, his teeth grazing my skin.

  He pushes the straps of my bra down, and I pull my arms free of them. He tugs my bra down to my waist and runs his hands back up my sides, the muscles of his arms flexing as they press against my flesh, his palms dragging across my skin with desire. He cups my breasts in his hands and lowers his mouth as I watch, sucking a mouthful of my breast, his tongue swirling on my nipple.

  I moan, running my hands across his shoulders and up his neck. I weave my fingers through his hair, pulling as I twist.

  His eyes flick up to mine as he continues down my body slowly, every touch of his lips and tongue blazing a trail of embers across my skin. He reaches around my waist and undoes the latch of my bra, and it falls soundlessly to the soft carpet. Then he moves lower, his fingers tracing the line of my panties down my hips, across the tops of my thighs. He slides the thin fabric running between my legs to the side and dips his head to my pussy. I let out a series of small gasps as his kisses deepen, his tongue flicking across my clit.

  I press my arms to the wall, fingers spread, trying to find anything to grip as my legs tremble. As he licks my pussy, he reaches up to my breasts, massaging them, playing with my nipples. My fingers curl as he sucks on my clit, my hands forming fists as the tension in my body rises to meet the waves of pleasure cresting over me.

&
nbsp; He pushes me right to the edge, but I resist letting go, holding myself over the cliff without release. I want to ride the explosion building in my body with more than just his tongue inside me.

  As if he can read my thoughts, he rises from his knees, sweeping his arms behind my legs as he does, lifting me up. I wrap my arms around his neck and shoulders as he holds me tight with one arm, pushing his jeans down with his free hand.

  I’ve waited for this moment for so long, I can barely breathe, every fiber of me yearning for him. His mouth moves to mine, kissing me hungrily as he enters me, so slowly — so tantalizingly slowly. I want to buck my hips to meet him, to get every thick, glorious inch of him inside my aching pussy as fast as I can, but he has me pinned against the wall. He’s in total control of this moment. A guttural cry rises from his chest as he takes me, his girth stretching me as he slides all the way in.

  “Goddamn.” He wraps hands around my ass as he moves his hips slowly and powerfully, penetrating me deeply. His pelvis rubs against my clit as he pushes into me again and again. It’s making my entire body tremble.

  I clutch to him, my legs wrapped around his hips, my back to the wall as he moves inside me. I cry out for him, my nails digging into his skin. That feral animal is back, and his fingers dig into the flesh of my ass and his teeth close around the skin at the curve of my neck, as if being inside me isn’t enough and he’d like to truly devour me.

  “Oh, God, Jax,” I breathe, desperation in my voice. I buck into him as his movements stroke me toward an orgasm.

  I gasp and shout with every thrust as he bottoms out inside of me over and over, and finally, I’ve held off as long as I can. I tip over the edge and free-fall into ecstasy. I come so hard, a veil of darkness washes over my eyes, and I close them, tipping my head back as he lifts me away from the wall.

  He whispers my name as the powerful orgasm rips through my body. His voice reaches into the void of blackness wrapping around me and pulls me back to him. A deep sob escapes me, and I cling to him, a tidal wave of emotions welling up inside me at the sound of his voice, so tender. He brings his lips to my face, kissing each tear as it rolls down my cheeks.