Broken Process

by Bethany Jadin

  “Unexpected?” I try to fill in her sentence with what it is that I’m feeling. If there’s one thing Emma Collins has been in my life, it’s unexpected.

  She lets out a nervous laugh, and I can’t tell if it’s because of the subject or because I’m moving closer to her. “Yes, it’s definitely that. But it’s also… I’m worried.”

  I’m close enough now to run my fingers from her temple to her jawline. My heart thumps as she turns her head into my touch, her lips hovering near my palm. The things this woman does to me.

  “What can we do?” I tell her, drinking in her beautiful features. Those green-gold eyes. Her dark eyelashes. The fullness of her lips. “We could ignore what’s happening. Pretend that it’s not already fundamentally altered the universe as we know it. Or we can simply surrender to it, let it sweep us away to worlds unknown.”

  She leans her cheek against my hand, her fingers tracing the top of the apron I’m wearing. “But isn’t that crazy?”

  I try to steady the air in my lungs as I look at her, my heart racing. If there was ever a pivotal moment in my life, it’s this one. “It’s true that this is uncharted territory,” I say with a nod. “We’ll have to find our own way.”

  She swallows hard and looks down at my chest. “What if we can’t?”

  “Hey.” I guide her gaze back to mine. “What you said about tearing us apart? The only thing that would rip us into pieces is losing you.”

  There are tears welling in her eyes and a tremble in her lips. “It would kill me, Daniel, if anything were to happen. This isn’t just physical anymore. It’s so much more. I’ve never felt this way about any one person before, much less… five people.”

  I wrap my arms around her, and Emma rests her head on my shoulder, her breath heating my neck. “That is true for me, too, my feelings for you. And for Jax and Gunner and Trigg and Jude as well, if I may be so bold as to speak for them, because I know in my very soul that it’s true for them, too. We’ve fallen hard for you. I don’t know if it happened at the same time or in the same way, but it’s where we are now, all of us.”

  I lift her chin once more, forcing her to look into my eyes. There’s an immense vulnerability there. Her walls are down, and she’s looking so scared, as if she's watching her greatest fears play out in vivid color. But I also see hope. And strength. And a vast ocean of love welling up inside her. More than enough for all of us to share.

  Taking a cue from the twin’s playbook, I skip the words and let my body do the talking. I lower my head, and Emma’s chin tips up. Our lips meet, and immediately there’s fire in our touch. It’s not a raging flame, chaotic and out of control. It’s a slow burn that consumes both of us.

  I take a deep breath and pull back, running my fingers through her soft hair. “I love you, Emma. We all do.”

  Emma grabs onto me like a lifeline as tears stream down her face, her arms winding around my neck, her body moving into mine. “I love you, too. All of you,” she whispers.

  I move my lips back to hers, brushing against them firm but gentle, willing myself to go slow. An ecstatic joy rises inside me, something I’d damn near call a spiritual experience, as we both surrender and free-fall into the unknown together. Two words call out from my heart, over and over.

  She’s ours.

  19

  Emma

  “I thought these apartments get snapped up right away.” I take the key Jude holds out to me and unlock the door to the apartment.

  “They do,” he replies. “But we didn’t want to let go of this one quite yet.”

  I swing the door open and step inside, taking in the space that Zoey and I shared when the guys moved us into their building. Walking through the threshold feels like coming home.

  As I look around at the barren space, I’m reminded of how difficult it was to pack up and leave. All the kitchen supplies I left behind are still set up on the counters, and the second couch we’d picked up off of Craigslist to help fill this much larger space is still sitting by it’s lonesome in the center of the living room. I tilt my head to the side as something catches my eye, because actually, the couch isn’t the only thing there. There’s also a pillow. And as I move further into the room, I see a blanket crumpled up on the cushions.

  “Has someone been sleeping here?” Even as I ask the question I feel like I’m in a scene from Goldilocks and The Three Bears.

  The guys file into the room behind me — they all insisted on coming down to welcome me back to the building. It’s like a homecoming celebration in here.

  Trigg clears his throat. “With all the empty space, you know, it’s great for yoga and tai chi. And I may have fallen asleep on the couch a couple times.”

  Something about the way he averts his eyes from mine tells me that’s not the whole story, but I let it go. I wander over to the kitchen, taking a moment to say hello to the friends I’ve missed — all the sleek gourmet appliances and kitchen gadgets Daniel ordered for me. I run a finger over the top of the stainless-steel blender and open a drawer. All the ladles and serving spoons that I couldn’t find room for in our down-sized townhouse apartment are exactly where I had left them. But when I turn, I see something not as I left it. Dishes in the sink. They’ve been rinsed off and are stacked neatly — two plates, a bowl, a couple glasses, and a few pieces of silverware. I had scrubbed this apartment to within an inch of its life before I handed over the key, so I know I didn’t leave them there.

  I point to them and give the guys a questioning look. “And these? Where did they come from?”

  Jax is the guilty party this time. He gives me a lopsided grin. “I should have taken care of those. With all the stuff you have down here, your kitchen is better outfitted than mine. I, uh, needed a cheese grater.”

  “Is that so?” I ask, not able to resist the smile forming on my lips.

  He shrugs like yeah, of course, but after a second he turns away from my stare.

  The guys trail after me as I wander toward the hall that leads to the bedrooms and my old office. I pause when I reach Zoey’s former room and lean against the frame of the door with a sigh. “I hate to make Zoey keep moving like this.”

  “That’s not going to be a problem,” Jax says.

  I turn to him with surprise. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, Gunner and I were talking with her last night, and she really misses this place. She’s excited to move back here.”

  “I am, too. But we just unpacked all of her boxes last week. Of course, now it’s all in shambles,” I say, wincing as I remember the status of our current place.

  “We’ve hired a cleaning crew to help with that,” Jude says.

  “And Zoey won’t have to lift a finger this time,” Gunner adds, a smile playing on his lips. “She, uh, said you kinda have to do whatever she wants this time, and she said she wants a moving company. Turn-key.”

  Jax laughs. “She said they’ll have to pack it all, even her underwear drawer.”

  “Although, I’m totally available to help you ladies with your delicates. I’ll take one for the team,” Gunner says, a hand to his chest and the most serious expression he can muster on his face.

  “I bet you would, and then some,” I say, smacking him on the arm. “You’d probably try them on and stretch everything out.”

  He just cheeses at me, and I give him an eyeroll before turning my attention to the end of the hallway, where Jax is now looking out the large window overlooking the city.

  “And she agreed to let us replace everything of hers that was torn up or broken in the apartment,” he says, looking over his shoulder at me. “She already has a long list.”

  “I bet she does,” I say with a nod. “We’ve moved so many times in the past couple months, she could probably recite a list of all her belongings without even trying. Thank you — that’s really generous. The cleaning crew, the moving company, helping to make everything right when you don’t need to. I really appreciate it. We both do.”

  “It’s our
pleasure, Emma,” Daniel says, and I see the sincerity in his eyes. He loves taking care of people. It makes him so happy to be able to do things for others.

  Across the hall is my old bedroom. I flip on the light in the empty room and survey it. Not much to see. I wasn’t even here long enough to leave indentations in the carpet where the furniture had once been — either that, or my rabid cleaning spree removed any traces of them.

  In the center of the room now, I turn to look at the guys, who are hovering in the hallway and yet another thing catches my eye as I do. I point to a big hoodie hanging on the back of the door. “Who’s is that?”

  Gunner pokes his head around the door and shrugs. “It must be yours.”

  “Really?” I ask dryly, reaching up to grab the monstrous-sized pullover. I hold it up for him, displaying the word Marines stamped across the front. “This is mine?”

  Gunner pulls it out of my hands and balls it up quickly, as if it’ll just disappear. “Uh, yeah, that’s mine. I was, um… I was…”

  “Oh, cut the crap,” I say, a big grin stretching across my face. “You guys have all been coming down here, haven’t you?”

  Busted. They all kind of shift a bit and look away, and it makes me laugh. But Trigg, bless his heart, speaks up. “We all missed the hell out of having you nearby.”

  Knowing that they’ve been in and out of the space in my absence is more comforting than I could have imagined. “I missed you guys, too. I missed you from the first moment I was gone. But I was certain it was the right decision.”

  “We were, too,” Trigg says. “We thought giving you space was the best thing we could do for you.”

  “I didn’t,” Jude grumbles, and Jax elbows him.

  I step back to the bedroom doorway and smile at them, taking a moment to look each of them in the eye. It’s the guys who really made this place feel like home. “I’ve realized I can’t do everything on my own. And the truth is, I don’t want to anymore.”

  Trigg reaches for my hand and pulls me to him, lowering his lips to mine as I draw near. Just a light brush, and then he releases me. I turn, curious of the others’ reactions. They’re just standing calmly, and the only thing I see is a bit of sweetness in their eyes at having watched their friend kiss me — even the ever-surly twins have a hint of a happy smile at the corners of their mouths.

  “Hey, let’s go back to the kitchen,” Gunner suggests, tugging on my shirt.

  “There’s no food in there, you know,” Trigg says, but we all begin to shuffle in that direction, anyway.

  I hang to the back of the group, breathing a sigh of contentment as I watch the guys move through the apartment that I will once again call home.

  As we walk, Jude hangs back beside me, his voice lowered. “You’ve already allowed us to implement a security detail; do you think you could let us do a little more?”

  I slip my hand into his, locking our fingers together. “What are you thinking of?”

  “Daniel. He’s talked non-stop about all the things he wants to buy to help replace the stuff that’s been damaged and destroyed. But I doubt he’d mention it to you — he doesn’t want you to feel obligated to accept.”

  “Ah, I see. Well, maybe I’ll bring it up, then. How’s that?”

  “Perfect.” Jude squeezes my hand and lets go, stepping behind me as we file into the kitchen.

  Gunner, of course, is opening the fridge, as if something will magically appear there. He gives me a sad look as he closes the door.

  “Don’t worry,” I tell him. “I’ll fill it up soon.”

  He pats his stomach. “I can’t wait.”

  “Speaking of which…” I turn to Daniel, placing both my palms on his chest. I raise up on my toes and reach for a little kiss. “I don’t think I ever thanked you properly for buying me all this equipment. You gave me my dream kitchen.”

  If I had known how much those simple words would make Daniel beam — would make his chest inflate with pride and his shoulders square — I would’ve said it long ago. But my own pride was in the way then.

  Daniel clears his throat and struggles to keep the smile on his face in check, his hands around my hips. “I’m glad you like it. I would love to do more — if you would let me.”

  “Actually, we’re going to need quite a bit. You all may have Zoey’s list, but I haven’t even started on mine.”

  “If you’d like, we could go shopping together,” he offers. The words slip out so casually, but I feel the tension in his body, the breath he’s holding as he waits for my reply.

  “Well,” I say, coyly, “that one time we went to a store together did turn out to be pretty fun.”

  It takes him a minute, but then it clicks as he remembers the lingerie purchase, and he damn near blushes. “Yes, yes it did. Although, I was thinking something a little more… substantial this time, like bookshelves and a bigger dining room table.”

  “And a bed. King size, preferably,” Gunner interjects.

  “—And then there’s the rest of the apartment. Coffee table, sofas, television,” Daniel continues.

  I’ve spent so much time resisting these men until I couldn’t anymore, finally giving into my desires, only to run from my feelings afterwards. But I’m done resisting. I’m done running.

  It’s going to be a challenge — I don’t just have one man to learn about and love and grow with; I have five. But it’s a challenge I’m going to embrace whole-heartedly. I’m going to coax those words out of Jude that he keeps buried deep down. I’m going to get Gunner to slow down a little bit and read a book to me. I’m going to go on early morning runs with Trigg and sit with him quietly in meditation. I’m going to cover my walls with Jax’s art and get to the bottom of that pain he’s holding on to, whatever it takes.

  And Daniel, I’m going to let him provide for me. Let him shower me with gifts filled with his affection. “It sounds like we’ve got a lot of shopping to do,” I tell him. “I hope you have your credit cards ready.”

  Oh, God, that smile. He lights up like I imagine he used to as a boy on Christmas morning.

  20

  Emma

  “What the hell is that?” Gunner picks a hollow ball of twigs from Trigg’s palm.

  Trigg snatches it back. “It’s tasteful home decor. If Emma wants posters of dirt bikes and bikini-clad chicks on her walls, you’re her man. But I believe her taste is a little more sophisticated than that.”

  I inspect the wooden bowl full of various shapes made out of natural materials. I have to admit, it is my taste, but it’s also the kind of thing I’d normally never buy, because it has no real function other than aesthetics, and pretty things have always been low on the priority list when there are bills to pay. I hold one of the balls up to the light, inspecting the material, which feels like twine. Funny that what looks like something I might have made as a kindergarten art project is now what we decorate our homes with — and we’re willing to pay good money for it.

  “I like it,” I say. “I’m going to have to go with Trigg on this one. Sorry, Gunner. But, I’d love to get your opinion on stuff for my bedroom.”

  That seems to make the big guy feel a little better, but he still sniffs his nose at the bowl of modern decor. Beside us, Daniel raises an eyebrow as he watches Gunner sit down on the coffee table, looking like he’s expecting it to crack and crumble into a pile of kindling any minute. But it doesn’t.

  After a moment, Daniel raises a foot and pushes against the side of the table, then he makes a face of surprised incredulity at the sturdy construction. “Of all the places that you could have chosen to go shopping, you picked IKEA. You constantly surprise me, Miss Emma Collins.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask, attempting an innocent grin.

  “Well, it’s just… you know, I had some places in mind, but this… this is…” Daniel is turning a shade of pink as he stammers to find words that aren’t insulting to my choice of store.

  With a laugh, I lay a reassuring hand on his arm. “It might
not be a posh showroom full of artisanal goods imported from Italy, but I’m in heaven. Look at this place!”

  I spin around, arms wide, taking in the gigantic floor space with the models of kitchens and living rooms and bathrooms and bedrooms strewn in every direction. “I’m a visual shopper. I need to see how things fit together. It’s hard for me to go into a regular store where all the sofas are over to one side and the lamps are lined up together on shelves and the rugs are all stacked in a pile. But here, there’s so much inspiration, it’s perfect. I mean, look at this,” I say, stepping into one of the tiny model apartments the store has designed. “They have a whole actual apartment right here, inside the store! You can see how it all comes together, from the curtains to the bedding.”

  Daniel peeks through the doorway of the tiny studio and blinks in surprise. “But this entire space is the size of your living room.”

  “That’s not the point,” I tell him with a laugh. “Besides, it’s bigger than my first apartment.”

  I join him back in the main space, and we make our way to the next fully decorated display area, complete with sleek stainless-steel appliances, beautiful glass-faced cabinets, windows looking out into — well, into pictures set behind them — and a dining room table with seating for six. Gunner, God bless his soul, heads straight for the gigantic refrigerator, opening it up for inspection as though he hopes it’s full of food.

  Gunner turns, pointing into the appliance. “Is this bigger than the one in your apartment?”

  “Hers is bigger,” Jax replies. “That one just looks bigger because this space is so small.”

  Jude pulls out a wooden chair at the head of the dining room table, and it’s apparent that not everything in these small suites is going to work for us. He takes a seat, dwarfing both the chair and the table. I can’t help but giggle at the sight. He looks like he sat down at a lunch table made for kindergartners.