The Messenger (Professionals Book 3)

by Jessica Gadziala

  Once I saw it clearly, I became determined to make changes, to make my choices based on want and desire and a pinch of prudence - because I was still me.

  I had never really realized how tense I was about, well, life until I decided to make changes, to open up, to live more honestly, more joyfully.

  I had to let in my family and friends on the insanity that was the reality of mine and Jameson's relationship.

  My mother and father had gone red with rage. My sister had wept, being a soft soul that way. My friends had regaled me with stories of how they thought he was a creep, how he had a wandering eye.

  Instead of coldly taking that all in, stewing on it, internalizing the outrage and embarrassment, I had demanded that in the future, they tell me if I was dating a scumbag, no matter how infatuated I seemed to be with them. Surprised, they had agreed. And just like that, my relationships with them went deeper as well, became more honest.

  After them, it was work.

  Miller was easy. She simply burst her way into my life. Lincoln, too, just forced his way in. Quin was still my boss, still kept a professional distance, but talked to me more, asked about my day, my new schedule with taking an hour off each afternoon to go out to lunch instead of working at my desk like I had every day since I started. Finn had kept his awkward distance, but had thanked me when he had opened his gift, doing so with feeling. Hell, even Gunner had stopped being so gruff with me. Things weren't exactly touchy-feely, but this was me and Gunner we were talking about here; no one could ever accuse us of being touchy-feely. We'd skewer them if they did.

  The lone stranger in the office to me, incredibly, was Kai.

  The one who had always been the closest thing to a friend I had there.

  But since I left his place, all I had gotten from Kai was careful pleasantries.

  He didn't order me lunch, instead going out by himself. He didn't come out to hang at my desk, bugging me while I tried to get work done, something I didn't know I could miss until I was missing it.

  It was a situation that constantly stole my focus away from work. I found myself obsessively thinking about it while I was typing, making me have to go back and delete, then retype it all, something I never had to do before.

  But I couldn't help it.

  It was such a one-eighty from the Kai I had left just a few days before, smiling, telling me I could come back should I ever feel the need to, giving me the code to his place so I could let myself in at any time.

  Now, well, he could barely look me in the eye.

  It hurt.

  Maybe I didn't have the right to feel hurt after how much he had already done for me, but I felt it nonetheless.

  It was a stabbing sensation to the gut.

  I would sit there trying to figure out what had caused such a drastic change.

  But all I could ever come back to was that he was over me.

  It was the only thing that made sense, right?

  He had - for all these years - built up some idea of me, put me up on this pedestal. And then he had gotten a chance to spend some time with me, real time with the actual woman, not the idea he had of me, and he simply... changed his mind.

  That idea had been crippling.

  Prior to it, I was planning to do it.

  What Miller said.

  I was going to make a move.

  It made my heartbeat speed up just to think about it.

  But I would swallow back that anxiety and I would do it. Make a move.

  But there was no way I could ever get up the nerve to do it now that he had gotten so cool toward me.

  There was no way to describe the sensation of disappointment I had felt.

  All these years when I had been clueless or in denial or actively reminding myself why he was a bad idea even when my body and that constant chest-tightening thing said otherwise. And now that I was ready, that I saw things clearly, that I was done trying to lie to myself, that I was fully aware of my feelings toward him, he was no longer into me.

  What a cruel, fickle bitch fate could be.

  "Ugh, stop looking like a wounded puppy," Miller demanded, having left, but run back in claiming she forgot her house keys, and that she didn't want to have to crash at Lincoln's because the chick he was currently seeing was an aspiring - and terrible - singer and Can you imagine dealing with that and a hangover at the same time?

  "I don't know what you're talking about," I lied, tamping down the guilt at doing so.

  "Oh, please. You can't lie to me," she declared, moving down the hall toward her office, coming back waving her keys around her pointer finger. "Where was I? Oh, yeah. I thought you were over the whole denial thing. You know you want to jump him. Go jump him. Or, if you don't like that vernacular, go and rub your bits over his bits until you reach very dignified orgasms."

  "I'm not denying I finally realize how I feel about him. But you've seen how he's been with me since I got back. I think he got a little too much reality with me, and has changed his mind."

  "Oh, for the love of God," she declared, looking up at the ceiling for patience. "Finding out you pick your nose and eat it wouldn't make that man change his mind about you."

  "Then why can he barely look me in the eye lately?"

  "He's being Kai, dumbass," she declared affectionately. Miller, as it turned out, often showed her love by calling you names. "He thinks you need space, need to figure things out, don't need him complicating things for you. Yada freaking yada. He's no less in love with you than he was when he drank himself to freaking oblivion in my living room the night that he found out about your engagement."

  I didn't know that.

  I couldn't imagine that.

  Kai wasn't a big drinker as a whole. I had never seen him so much as tipsy.

  "Stop being such a pussy... and march on in there and show him yours," she suggested on her way out, beaming at me from the other side of the door as she reset the lock.

  Could she be right?

  It made sense.

  Kai was that kind of person.

  Selfless to the point of complete and utter self-denial.

  I could definitely see him doing that, giving me space even if it hurt him. And if he was hurting, it made sense why he avoided seeing me too much.

  Taking a deep breath, I grabbed my purse, going into the bathroom to refresh my makeup, spritz on a little perfume, work some of the tension out of my muscles, then dropped off my purse, squared my shoulders, and made my way down that hall.

  My pulse throbbed in my ears, a whooshing sound that even managed to block out the click of my heels on the hard floor.

  My skin was flushed, overheated, my body flooded with nervous energy, anticipation, and a healthy dose of fear.

  I took a second outside his door, schooling my breath to something that didn't make it seem like I had just run a half-marathon instead of just walking the fifteen feet from my desk to his office.

  When I was relatively sure I wouldn't absolutely pass out from panic, I raised my hand to knock, thinking better of it at the last possible second, then reaching to throw open the door.

  Kai's head shot up from where he was leaning off the front of his desk, a stress ball in his hand.

  Seeing me, his brows creased, but there was no denying what I saw in his eyes.

  Miller had been right.

  He was just trying to be the good guy.

  Because those were moon-eyes if I ever saw them.

  "Jules, is everyth..."

  I briskly moved across the floor, grabbing him by the front of his tee, my fingers balling in the material as I pulled him closer just as my lips claimed his.

  Claimed.

  That was right.

  Mine.

  He was mine.

  I guess he had always been. I had just been too blind to see it.

  And for the first time, I was his.

  Completely.

  "Jules..." he tried, breaking away, trying to be rational, tell me I was hurting, or rebounding, or wh
atever he was going to come up with.

  "Shut up," I demanded, taking his lips again, pressing harder, demanding more.

  When my tongue moved to trace the seam of his lips, any thought of being the good guy seemed to disappear as his hands lifted, framing my face, parting his lips, and mating his tongue with mine.

  The tremble that moved through me was almost violent, something I knew he felt as well as one of his hands left my face, tracking down my spine, landing on my ass, squeezing hard for a second before using it to drag me closer, until there was no such thing as space between us, until I could feel his hardness pressing against my belly, something that made a low moan escape me.

  My restless hands moved over his body, up the sides of his stomach, feeling little etches of muscles beneath, a hint of rib cage, then over to his arms, moving upward, finding his biceps tense, corded in his desire, something that made mine burn all the hotter as my fingers slid under his arms, moving down his back, getting close to their destination before Kai suddenly pulled away in an action that felt all-too familiar.

  I knew what would follow next.

  The rejection he tried to soften with excuses. Excuses I didn't want to hear. Excuses that were not relevant anymore.

  I reached up, pressing my fingers against his lips for a second before dropping them, moving back a few feet, summoning every bit of self-confidence I had ever possessed in my life, and reaching to slowly start to lift my shirt, exposing my belly inch by inch before discarding it to the floor at my side, standing there in my slacks and a simple strapless nude bra.

  Taking a deep breath that made his eyes lower from my face, I reached behind my back, unfastening the clasps before I could lose my courage, and pulling the bra free to fall with my shirt on the floor.

  The cold air made my nipples twist tight, making my already desire-heavy breasts feel all the more sensitive to the way the air was washing over them from the fan overhead.

  My hands went to my slacks, seeing his eyes almost begrudgingly follow, like he hadn't gotten enough of an eye-full of what I had shown him already.

  I unfastened them, pushing them down, stepping out of the feet.

  I wanted to go all-in.

  I wanted to be brave enough to stand there completely naked.

  But at the last second, I couldn't seem to force my hands to hook my panties and yank them down.

  Kai's breath shuddered out of him, his gaze slowly moving down my legs, then back up, over my belly, up to my breasts, then finally finding my face again.

  All I found there was a need so strong it made my sex tighten painfully, made me sure I had done the right thing, made it possible to muster just a bit more confidence to take the few feet back I had put between us, pressing my front to his, taking a second to soak in the sensation of his scratching t-shirt on my hardened nipples before I leaned in, my hand going to the back of his neck, my lips going to his ear.

  I hadn't been sure what I was going to say. I had hoped on something R-rated, something sexy enough to break any last threads holding together his control.

  But all that could come out was the truth.

  "I'm yours, Kai."

  The words sounded soft, choked, but there was no denying the sincerity behind them. Not even Kai could find a reason to discredit them.

  He didn't grab me and ravish me like I might have hoped, but his arms went around me, squeezing tight enough to make it hard to draw in a breath. His head pressed down on my shoulder, taking a deep breath like he was trying to draw my scent in, or find strength, or maybe a combination of the two.

  "Don't just say that," he demanded, lips pressing into my shoulder as if to soothe over the words. "Don't say you're mine just because you want me right now."

  My eyes closed for a second, taking a breath, everything in me responding to the raw vulnerability in his tone.

  I pulled back, waiting for his gaze to find mine, seeing nothing but openness there.

  "I wouldn't do that to you," I told him, voice a little fierce. "Ever since we met, I have gotten this... thing," I said, pressing a hand into my chest.

  "Thing?"

  "Right here," I explained, sliding my fingers to where they met the center of my chest, fingers brushing my clavicles. "I never understood it. Or I just refused to try," I allowed, knowing that was the more likely story.

  "What kind of thing?" he asked, brows drawn together.

  "It gets tight. My chest gets tight. And... I just never understood it until recently." I paused, looking down for a second, shaking my head. "It has only ever happened with you. I didn't know what to think of it."

  "It's only ever happened for me?" he asked, pressing his forehead down to mine.

  I nodded a bit, reaching down to grab his hand, pressing the palm against my chest under mine.

  "Only you," I confirmed, feeling my belly go a bit swirly at the admission.

  Under mine, his fingers tensed for a second before relaxing.

  "But Kai?" I started, feeling emboldened, feeling the absolute rightness of this moment, knowing that nothing I could do when we were like this could lead to rejection, that there was no place safer to act on my impulses than with him.

  "Yeah, honey?" he asked, voice deeper than usual.

  I reached to close my hand around his wrist, slowly pulling his hand down, between my breasts, over my belly, past my navel, then finally, quickly pressing it into the piece of material between my thighs, feeling his breath catch at finding it damp with desire. "I want you too," I added, smiling a bit when he let out this choked sound that seemed almost like a chuckle, but was drowned in too much need.

  His forehead lifted from mine, eyes heavy as he met my gaze.

  As soon as he did, his finger shifted upward. Perfectly. Expertly. As though he had known my body for years. His finger brushed over my clit, making a tremble rack through me as my air exhaled hard on a choked moan.

  At the sound, his eyes closed for the barest of seconds before they opened again, his free hand moving to my lower back, using it to guide me as he turned, lowering down into the chair, pulling me down on top of him, knees straddling both his legs, leaving me completely open to him, a fact he was all-too-happy to exploit as his finger did another swipe, making the swollen bud pulse with the need for release.

  Feeling so open, so utterly laid bare, my mouth moved to find words again, to find admissions, to tell him something I had never told anyone before.

  "You made me feel like this before," I told him, feeling his fingers still as he gave me his full attention.

  "At the hotel," he concluded.

  "Then, too, yes. But before that. A long time ago."

  "When?" he demanded to know, his hand sinking into my ass, the only sign that he was just barely holding onto his control.

  "The first night you rubbed my shoulders," I admitted, watching as his lips curved up slowly, sweetly, like it had been a fond memory for him. "It was overwhelming," I added, it feeling so good to share it. My secret little truth. "I had to go to the restroom and... ah..."

  Okay , so maybe I wasn't that bold yet.

  "Do this?" he asked, letting his finger swipe once again. But just once. A little harder than before.

  "Yes." The word came out more like a moan than an affirmation. Maybe it was both.

  "I barely ever let myself hope that could happen," he admitted. "I wish you had told me," he added, swiping my clit once more. "But this was worth the wait," he concluded, fingers moving away to slip into the side of my panties, his finger raking up my slick cleft with nothing between us, the realization of that alone enough to make me shudder.

  "Kai, please," I pleaded, fingers gripping his shoulders, holding on as though I was afraid I would fall without doing so. My thighs were shaking with the intensity of my need for release.

  A muscle ticked in his jaw as his finger pressed down into my clit, making the orgasm crash unexpectedly through my system, pulling me under wave after wave as I buried my head in his neck, crying out through
it all.

  I stayed planted there even after the orgasm finally released its grip on my body - made ravenous after so long without - as aftershocks made my body tremble slightly, making Kai's free hand leave my ass, stroking gently, soothingly up and down my spine, giving me time to come back down.

  As soon as I pressed back to look down at him though, his fingers moved suddenly, one thrusting unexpectedly inside me, making my walls tighten around him, beg for more of the invasion.

  "Oh, my God," I whimpered, trying to take in a deep breath, finding it impossible as the need slowly build back up inside me.

  "Can't tell you how many times I thought of this," He told me as his finger got faster, more demanding. "Dreamed of this a million times, but even my imagination couldn't let me imagine you as wet as you are for me right now." The declaration made my walls tighten harder still, something that made a sexy little smirk pull at his lips.

  All these years.

  All of them.

  Thinking Kai was a sweet little puppy dog.

  And he was.

  But it had blinded me to the possibility that he might also be sexy as hell, that he could make me wanton with desire just from his words.

  "Kai, please," I demanded again, hips grinding down onto his hand, feeling his palm press my overly sensitive clit again. "No?" I asked, a crushing hopelessness moving through my chest as he shook his head at me.

  "No," he confirmed. "The next time you come, I want it to be on my lips," he declared, closing an arm around my lower back as he surged to his feet, taking me with him, moving until my back hit a wall.

  I lost his finger as he urged my feet to touch the ground.

  The second they did, he yanked up one by the knee, pinning it to the wall, moving in close, and grinding his hard cock against my heat. My head slammed back into the wall, making pain shoot across my skull, but it was overwhelmed by the way his cock pressed into my clit, then slid down, teasing at the entrance to my body, promising an end to the primal, overpowering need within.

  "Not yet," he reminded me as he ground against me, as my whimpers became moans that turned into choked gasps for air.

  "I can't sto..." I started to object when suddenly his cock was gone, and my foot hit the ground with a slam as he released it.