The Bull Rider's Secret

by Marin Thomas

  “Does the same go for girls?”

  “’Fraid so.” Brody shook his head. “Sorry, kid, but adolescence sucks.”

  “If you break up with a girl can you still be friends with her?”

  “That depends.” At the teen’s frown, Brody clarified. “Sex messes up relationships. It’s easier to remain friends with a girl if you haven’t slept with her.”

  “How come all this boy-girl stuff is so complicated?”

  “It’s been that way for centuries, Ricky, and I doubt it will ever change.”

  “I like Stevie because she’s good at fishing. And she doesn’t get all grossed out when she touches the bait.”

  “She sounds like the perfect kind of girl to be a guy’s friend.”

  “Yeah, maybe you’re right. We should stay friends. If we break up, I won’t have anyone to fish with.”

  “Sounds like a plan.” Brody checked the time. “It’s getting late.”

  “I better finish my math homework. Pretty soon I have to take a placement test for school next fall.”

  “Good luck with that.”

  Ricky took two steps then stopped and faced Brody. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

  Kat’s face popped into Brody’s mind. If he ever wanted a girlfriend, she would be the one he’d pick. “Nope.”

  “Do you think my mom would make a good girlfriend, because she does a lot of the same stuff guys do?”

  Caught off guard by the question, Brody took his time answering. “Your mother’s a nice woman and she works hard. She’ll make some lucky guy a great girlfriend.” More than a girlfriend. Kat would make the perfect life partner. “Why do you ask?”

  “I guess my mom and dad aren’t ever going to be together.” Ricky’s gaze skipped over Brody. “I thought maybe you and her…”

  “I’m not the right man for your mother, Ricky.” Brody flashed a smile, hoping to lighten the mood. “Your mom’s a special woman. One day the right man will come along.”

  “Yeah, okay. ‘Night, Brody.”

  “’Night, Ricky.”

  Brody stood in the dark, wishing with all his heart he could be the right man for Kat. It didn’t take much imagination on his part to picture him, Kat and Ricky living together as a family. The more time he spent with Kat and Ricky the more he yearned for a foothold in their lives, but Ricky and Kat deserved better than a cowboy who was broken on the inside.

  MIDNIGHT.

  Kat paced the length of the kitchen. She hadn’t spoken to Brody since they’d retrieved the horses from the side of the road. By the time she’d finished tending the gelding’s injury, Brody had retired to the trailer. She’d returned to the cabin and too wound up by the day’s events to sleep, she’d washed and dried a load of laundry, balanced her checkbook, then had taken a shower and slipped into her nightgown. Bedtime came and went, Brody still on her mind.

  Tonight she’d realized how much she’d come to rely on Brody—not just for his help mucking stalls but his moral support, too. She knew he was attracted to her—she’d felt his eyes follow her when they’d worked side by side in the horse barn. It had been longer than she cared to admit since she’d been intimate with a man. Day after day she focused on being a good mother, working hard to provide for her and Ricky. Then one look from Brody and all of a sudden she craved tender caresses, whispered words and steal-your-breath kisses.

  What would it be like to forget her troubles, the future, the past—living only in the moment with Brody?

  Before she second-guessed herself, she slipped on a jacket, slid her feet into her flip-flops then left the cabin, closing the door quietly behind her. When she reached the trailer, she discovered Brody sitting at the top of the steps.

  “Can’t sleep?” His husky whisper sent shivers down Kat’s spine.

  “No. You either?”

  He patted the space next to him. There wasn’t much room, but she managed to wiggle her hips between Brody and the handrail. Their bodies touched from shoulder to calf and she soaked up his warmth.

  Neither said a word for the longest time. They both knew what was happening between them. They’d danced around their attraction to each other since the day they’d met. She slipped her arm through his and leaned her head against his shoulder, then closed her eyes.

  Brody’s hand moved to her knee. His fingers rubbed her cotton nightgown against her skin. “I don’t want to hurt you, Kat.”

  “You won’t.” Brody couldn’t hurt her. As much as she wished things were different between them, Kat understood that when the Bakers returned from Europe, Brody would hit the road. From now on Kat would cherish every minute left with him.

  Brody trailed his finger down her neck, then beneath the collar of her jacket. Kat wasn’t aware of who moved first, but suddenly her breasts were crushed against Brody’s chest and their mouths were locked in a heated embrace. When they came up for air, he whispered, “Tell me to stop.”

  “No.”

  He kissed her again, then stood and held out his hand. They went inside and Brody walked her backward through the trailer to the bedroom, where she collapsed on the mattress.

  “I want you, Kat.”

  She curled a finger in invitation and Brody settled on the mattress next to her. Their caresses started out soft and tentative then grew bolder and surer. Clothes were discarded, strewn about the bedroom. Brody worshipped Kat’s body with his hands and mouth until she feared she’d faint. Time passed in a blur of sensation then the room spun and Kat felt herself splinter into a million pieces. When she floated back to earth Brody lay next to her nuzzling her neck.

  “That was incredible,” she whispered.

  He responded to her praise with more kisses, leaving a trail of heat across her breasts and belly. This time was for Brody. Kat slid her leg between his thighs and shoved, rolling him onto his back. Mindful of his healing toes, she acquainted herself with his body, searching for places that were ticklish or sensitive—giving those areas special attention. It wasn’t long before Brody had reached his limit. He tugged his wallet from his jeans pocket and removed a condom, then sheathed himself.

  “Are you sure, Kat?”

  She clasped his face between her hands and pulled his mouth closer. “Very sure.” This time when the end came, Kat wasn’t alone. And for once that was okay with her.

  “You’re the best thing that’s happened to me and Ricky in a long time.” She snuggled against Brody’s side.

  “You wouldn’t say that if you knew the truth about me.”

  “There’s nothing you can tell me that will change my mind about you.” She kissed his shoulder. “You’re a good man, Brody Murphy.”

  They cuddled for the longest time. No words were spoken—they did all their talking with kisses and caresses. Then out of the blue Brody spoke. “Kat.”

  “What?”

  “I had a daughter.”

  Had? The breath in her lungs froze.

  “Angel had been coughing for a week when my wife, Kelly, asked if she could take her to the medical clinic in town. We couldn’t afford health insurance on my salary, so I told Kelly to hold off a while longer to see if Angel got better. I thought she’d just come down with a bad cold.”

  Brody sprang from the bed, startling Kat. He paced across the room, then faced her. “My daughter died because of my selfishness. Every day was about me.” He stabbed himself in the chest with his finger. “About what I wanted in life. My goals. My desires.”

  Kat sat up in bed and tugged the sheet against her breasts. “I don’t understand.”

  “Kelly wanted me to quit my job as a ranch hand and hire on at the meat processing plant in town. The job came with medical benefits. Kelly was smart like that—she considered the future and what was best for our family. I only thought about myself and what was best for me.” Brody bowed his head.

  “If I’d allowed Kelly to take Angel to the doctor right away our daughter would be alive today.”

  Kat’s eyes burned with empathy.
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br />   “Angel grew worse and Kelly finally got it through my thick skull that our daughter was in real danger.” Brody met Kat’s gaze, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “I’ll never forget Kelly’s expression when the doctor told her they hadn’t been able to save Angel.”

  Brody covered his face with his hands. “My daughter died because I wanted to be a cowboy instead of a meat packer.”

  A tear dribbled off Kat’s chin and plopped onto the back of her hand. She searched for words to comfort Brody, but there were none. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “There’s nothing to say, because no matter how you twist the story it comes out the same—I caused Angel’s death.”

  Kat finally understood why Brody had insisted she notify the sheriff about the hay fire. He’d seen her actions as selfish. As caring more about proving she could handle the job at the Wild Rose than keeping her son and the ranch safe. Kat’s stomach churned with shame.

  She’d worked hard to make something of herself but in her quest to prove she was qualified for the foreman position at the Wild Rose, she’d lost sight of what really mattered—Ricky.

  “I can’t imagine the pain you feel, Brody. And to be honest, I can’t even sit here and tell you that it wasn’t your fault. Or that you shouldn’t blame yourself.” She’d condemn herself, too, if she was in his shoes. Kat left the bed, dragging the sheet with her. “What I can tell you is that even though you may have made bad choices, you aren’t a bad person. You loved your daughter with all your heart. Angel knows you’re sorry. She knows you love her. And she forgives you.”

  “I’ve heard all that bullshit before. Repent, forgive and move on. What about Kelly? Kelly has to live the rest of her life with guilt, too, because she didn’t defy me and take Angel to the doctors when she’d wanted to.”

  Kat ached for Brody, but at the same time she felt blessed that she’d never experienced the pain of losing a child. At seventeen she hadn’t been ready for motherhood, but she couldn’t imagine her life without Ricky. “Everyone makes mistakes. If we could travel back in time we’d make amends to those we’ve hurt. But life doesn’t work that way. We learn from the past and move forward.”

  Brody pressed her palm against his chest—his heart thundered beneath her fingertips. “Don’t you see, Kat? I can’t allow myself to care about anyone ever again.”

  “You can’t keep punishing yourself.”

  “You make me feel things I don’t deserve to feel,” Brody said.

  Her spirits soared at his confession.

  “I’m no good for you and Ricky.”

  “Let us be the judge of that.” Kat lifted her mouth to Brody’s. If he let her, she’d heal his pain and soothe his wounded soul.

  BRODY LAY IN THE DARKNESS, Kat snuggled against his side. She slept soundly and for that he was grateful.

  A tear escaped his eye. He brushed it aside and clenched his jaw until pain shot through the bone. Why? Why had the Fates conspired against him by bringing Kat and Ricky into his life?

  Had he been so desperate to make amends for Angel’s death that he’d mistakenly believed helping a teenager and his mother would absolve him of his sins? Kat was the devil in disguise—taunting him, tempting him to forgive himself and reach for happiness.

  Kat slid her leg between his thighs and pressed herself against him. He never imagined he’d feel this connected to another human being again. Her caresses melted the icy coating that had formed on his heart the night Angel died. He had to leave before Kat succeeded in convincing him to turn his back on the past.

  Kat was too vibrant a woman to attach herself to a battered veteran like Brody. He couldn’t say for certain when or if he’d stop waging war against himself. Kat was generous and kind with a heart of gold—a woman who deserved a strong man by her side. Brody wasn’t strong—he was weak and full of holes that refused to scar over.

  He savored the weight of Kat’s body on his and nuzzled her hair. Breathed deeply of her almond-scented shampoo. He trailed his fingertips along her arm and burrowed his face in her neck, then rubbed his nose against her soft skin. Last but not least he rested his palm against her heart.

  The clock on the nightstand read 2:30 a.m. He should leave. Before Kat woke. Before the awkwardness set in. Before she convinced him to stay.

  He’d told himself that he could remain at the Wild Rose as long as he kept his hands to himself. Tonight he’d crossed the line and had broken that promise.

  Easing a leg off the side of the bed, he dug the toes of his uninjured foot in the carpet for balance, then he pulled his arm free from beneath Kat’s shoulders. She moaned in her sleep and flipped onto her side. He stared at her silhouette, envying her strength. Fortitude. Resolve.

  After he gathered his clothes from the floor, he escaped to the bathroom and dressed in the dark. What about Ricky? Brody should stay until the morning to say goodbye to the kid.

  No goodbyes.

  He left the bathroom and stopped at the foot of the bed. Even though God quit listening to him, he sent up a silent prayer, asking Him to keep Kat and Ricky safe. Then he packed his few belongings, scribbled a message to Kat and left the trailer.

  As long as he put one foot in front of the other and moved forward, to nothing and to no one, Brody would survive.

  Chapter Ten

  “Things are going great, Mark.” Kat crossed her fingers behind her back as she spoke on the phone to her boss. She stood on the front porch of the cabin staring at the empty spot in the driveway where Brody had parked his truck. Two weeks had passed since she and Brody had made love.

  Fourteen long, lonely days.

  “The weather’s warming up. I heard on the news that temps might be above average for most of May.”

  Kat had trouble concentrating on the conversation because her mind wandered to Brody. She’d known all along that there could be no forever with the bull rider, but she deserved better from him than his sneaking out in the middle of the night without so much as a goodbye. They’d made love—connected on an emotional level, which made his actions sting even more. The note he’d left tacked to the trailer door had left a hollow ache in her chest.

  I’m sorry, Kat. B.

  Not even a please say goodbye to Ricky for me.

  Brody might be gone physically but he still tormented her sleep. Each night when Kat fell into bed, visions of Brody and a faceless little girl disturbed her sleep.

  Brody pushing his daughter on a park swing, then the child vanished, leaving him standing alone clutching a rag doll.

  Brody standing at his daughter’s hospital bedside, the little girl’s skin cold and blue.

  Brody walking through the mist calling Angel’s name.

  The love in Brody’s eyes when he’d spoken of Angel haunted Kat. She was a healer and her first instinct was to ease his pain. But the grief of losing a child lasted a lifetime.

  She couldn’t imagine how she’d live without Ricky. Her son was her whole world. Everything she did was because of him. For him. She looked forward to watching him mature into a decent, productive, honest young man. All her hopes and dreams lived in Ricky. How Brody had found the strength to go on after Angel had died was beyond her understanding.

  As much as she wanted to be the one to heal Brody’s broken heart, the risk to her and Ricky was too great. If Kat ever found the courage to take a chance on loving again, she wanted to be the center of that man’s universe. Because of what had happened to Angel, Brody would never allow himself to love another human being with all his heart and soul. She didn’t want to have to fight for a man’s love only to be rejected in the end.

  She’d grown up never knowing her father, and looking back on her relationship with Dwayne, Kat supposed she’d expected him to fill the void in her heart. Dwayne had only cared about himself. Years later, after she’d matured and had met Seth, she’d been positive he’d felt the same love for her that she’d felt for him. She’d been disappointed again. Seth had decided he wasn’t cut out for fat
herhood after being in a relationship with her for almost a year. Ricky had been nine at the time and devastated when Seth had left. As much as it pained her to do so, Kat would mind her own business and leave Brody to wrestle his demons by himself.

  Mark changed subjects and asked about the hay crop. “We brought the hay in before the rain and Tiger’s hoof is beginning to heal now.” Kat considered confessing that Clyde and Roger had walked off the job, but feared the Bakers would cut their vacation short and return to the ranch. Wes had yet to find any breaks in the fence line, which meant the perpetrator had opened the pasture gate and set the horses free to wander onto the road.

  Mark mentioned touring the Eiffel Tower and Kat listened with half an ear. Five minutes later he ended the conversation. The instant she snapped her cell phone shut, Ricky opened the cabin door and rubbed sleep from his eyes. “How come you didn’t wake me up this morning?”

  “I thought you could use the extra rest.” She ruffled his hair. Ricky had put on a brave face when he’d learned Brody had departed, but Kat sensed her son was deeply hurt that Brody hadn’t cared enough to say goodbye in person.

  “Hungry?” Most mornings Ricky fended for himself because she was out with the horses, but today Kat was the needy one and wanted her son by her side. “Are you in the mood for pancakes?”

  “Sure.” Ricky followed her into the kitchen, then pulled out a chair and sat at the table. “Did Brody call?”

  The same question every morning. “No, honey, he didn’t.”

  “You think he’ll come back?”

  She swallowed a sigh. “No. Brody was eager to get back to riding bulls.”

  “I thought he was gonna stay at the Wild Rose until the Bakers came home.”

  Me, too, honey. “Guess he had a change of heart.” Kat poured the batter on the grill, then set the table and warmed the syrup. “What’s the matter?” she asked, alarmed by her son’s despondent attitude.