Never Me (TAT: A Rocker Romance #5)

by Melanie Walker

  I was sick of the bullshit. All of it. I am sick of feeling guilty for having a friend. I was sick of feeling guilty for trying to find comfort from anyone but Carrie. I was tired of trying to pretend I wasn’t pissed off at her bullshit attitude. She had Chad and the rest of our group holding her up I had to hold me up and I couldn’t stand seeing her suffer. I had seen it enough in our lives that in that moment I could not. I am broken, but for fucks sake if I would have had to hold her up through it all I would have been ruined and they’d have buried me right after Candey.

  “What about Cassa? How you gonna manipulate that one all-knowing Messiah that you are?” I know she is making light of my irritation, but with that question it just had to play itself out.

  “I can't help with Cass, only Cass will decide if she can accept you.” I see the sadness and the flinch from my words and it sucks knowing what I said hurt her. I cup her chin and force her to see me.

  “I can't know the place you were in back then Jen, but I can understand it. I am proud of you everyday even though you lie your ass off in meetings.” I smirk and she laughs through her tears.

  “It helps me. I hate meetings they are definitely not for me like they are for others. Besides I only lie about my sobriety dates.”

  “I’m Jenny Pope and I am an alcoholic. I have been sober three years.” I say it in a mocking tone and she playfully punches my arm.

  “My point is that yeah, you lie in meetings to feel comfort however you need it, but you don’t lie to us when you face it. You were straight with me and Cal and T. You’ll face it with Carrie if you have too. Cassa has a different fight with you and babes, I don’t begrudge her it and neither do you. All you can do is be you, new and improved sober for six months Jenny and accept what is thrown at you and know I got your back.”

  Waste time with a masterpiece, don't waste time with a masterpiece

  You should be rolling with me, you should be rolling with me, ah

  You're a real-life fantasy, you're a real-life fantasy

  But you're moving so carefully; let's start living dangerously

  DNCE ~Cake by the ocean

  Chapter three

  Bright Kellerman

  I walked into the twenty-three story high rise in the heart of LA for the three-on-the-dot appointment I had with the PR manager for the band Thick as Thieves. I knew enough about them, I am more of a top 100 type, my depth is found in coffee house poetry Open Mic nights as opposed to a packed venue reeking of sex drugs and rock and roll.

  Give me some Timberlake or Pink and I am all over a packed venue.

  I had been in recovery for four years and after seeing the strange add in the online forum I was intrigued, but still have no clue what it is I have applied for.

  I took a seat near the front desk of Hessian Aggression records. This place was insane, not your typical fancy pants office. There were gold records all over the walls, rock music playing low on the speakers overhead. I am a barista so it's not like I am offended by the tattoos or dreads or piercings, I am just not prepared to see it in an office.

  The receptionist had more piercings in her face than the three I had in each ear and everyone I saw thus far had tattoos.

  I look at my arm and love the burn that came from this mornings impromptu tattoo. And the seriously hard part of staring for two hours at the eye candy that ran Paradox Ink. Just the look of Jer made me wet. Seeing him though, all that sexy, bad ass, fuck-all-night look of his reminded me that even four years sober, I was always going to fight my need to go back for just a little fun.

  Not the best thought to have before interviewing to be a sponsor.

  Very unheard of, but I guess with high profile addicts like this one needed a better crop than an NA meeting from the street corner.

  Then, like I was mind blown enough, I look up and see Carrie Beckett Blake and another woman with a purple faux hawk and tats everywhere. Both of them are so beautiful I feel so much better about this. I realize that I might actually fit in here better than I thought, I see the name brands on their handbags, know the fashion from Vogue alone, and yeah I would fit.

  I had dressed down, wearing an off the shoulder cream sweater and torn boyfriend jeans, both from Target because there is no place for high maintenance in my line of work. That and knowing I would be dealing with an addict, I didn't think coming in dressed to the nines was appropriate.

  It's not like I judge so freely, I just try to help people.

  I know, total contradiction to the spoiled little rich girl I described.

  “You must be Bright Kellerman?” The woman with purple hair said and I stood to shake her hand.

  “Yes ma’am.” My voice cracked like it always does when I am nervous, and here I stand on a possible interview, I think in front of a famous author no less. I knew very little about the band, but what I did know was courtesy of Mrs. Beckett-Blake because she was married to the lead singer and one hell of a bad ass writer.

  “So nice to meet you Bright. I am Tayla Livingston, I’m the Public Relations Manager for TAT.” She was already shaking my hand and smiling a genuinely kind smile, Carrie was too. It was like the twilight zone how nice they were to a stranger and it was a bright neon flag they were not from LA.

  “Who?” I asked confused. I had a feeling this all got messed up because I had no clue who or what TAT was.

  “Sorry. Thick as Thieves. We all call them TAT.” She laughs a sweet laugh. “Trust me sweetie once you see them you’ll get it.”

  “Noah and Chad both were tattoo artists before becoming big and famous so it’s been an ongoing nickname for years to call them TAT.” Carrie said and held out her hand. “I’m Carrie, Chads wife and Noah’s sister. I honestly am here for shits and giggles so don’t mind me.”

  We all start making our way down a long corridor all lined with more records and framed photos of some of the biggest bands.

  “She’s full of shit, but you’ll learn one thing about Carrie and Noah, nothing happens to one if the other isn’t close by for protection.” Tayla says and holds the door to her office for me as I sneak in, trying to not trip over my feet. I had a sibling I was as protective over once.

  The only wall in the office was the one dividing the office next door, and the one we just closed the door on. Windows lined the other two walls providing a panoramic view of downtown Seattle like I had never seen it before.

  I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz desperate to get back to Kansas. This was not my world. My world was small and how I liked it. My addiction cost me everything and I was glad it had. I was happy to not be the spoiled rich bitch I had been up into my twenties when the real world decided I had fucked up enough. Now I worked hard and kept my nose down. I loved my life and this was not where I wanted it to go.

  I was most definitely in the wrong place.

  Now, the inner bitch that was handed a silver spoon at birth wanted to tell them I was not interested and bail out. The other side of me, the better side that wasn’t entitled or demanding sat in the chair across from the large oak desk and waited to see why on earth they were looking for addiction sponsors.

  I look at the pictures on her desk, a few of them have Tayla in them and clearly she is with clients in them. One of the guys in a few of the pictures must be her husband or something because there are various photos of them together with what look like their son.

  My heart warms toward her immediately because you can see the love in her eyes, it’s a presence in her smile. I vaguely wonder if I will ever find anything like that, but am swiftly reminded of why I belong with no one and never will.

  I have my best friend Raleigh, successful businesses and money to last me three lifetimes. I am somewhat self obsessed with shopping and designer clothes, pretty things. But what I spend on me I give back to my small town of Yorba Linda in any way I can.

  “So I probably have you wondering why we were posting in addiction anonymous forums?” Tayla asked as she leaned back in her chair across from me, C
arrie beside me.

  “Can't lie.” I say with nervous laughter. “ I answered the add because I want to help but I didn’t know it was for something like this. I assumed it was someone needing anonymity and nothing more.”

  Carrie and Tayla both share a knowing look to one another before looking at me. “Do you know who my brother is Bright?” Carrie asks as she twists the lid off a smart water.

  “I feel like this is a trick question.” I say and tuck my long hair behind my ear waiting for the punch line that doesn’t come, realizing that I am bombing this interview. Recovering addicts aren’t interviewed for sponsorship because most of us hate being judged or on display and this feels like an interview.

  “Noah is the bass guitarist for Thick as Thieves. He has a file bigger than the bible and he’s been in the press more than his fair share these last few years.” Tayla hands me the file that is as thick as she said and hands it to me. “Every fact based article about him is in that file. News clips as well in the email I am sending you in a few minutes. He is a recovering heroin addict and about to go on tour for the first time since getting completely clean. Hessian Aggression records has demanded that he have a sponsor with him at all times unless he is on stage or in the bathroom." She holds up a hand, seeing I was about to protest. "Yes, they mean it.”

  I really didn’t know how to follow that. Part of me was offended by the bullshit demand by the record label but also by the way they weren’t letting him pick his own sponsor.

  “There is a trust between sponsor and addict that you can't find in any interview Miss Livingston. It’s wildly inappropriate for you to interview a sponsor.” I couldn’t believe the ego on rich people, something I could openly comment on since I was just as crummy to people and saw them as disposable playthings once. Until I learned the hard way how valuable life is.

  “Miss Kellerman, it is bullshit, I know it; so does Tay. The label is adamant however, and they won't budge. Noah tried telling them that I would be there as well as his oldest and dearest friend Sam. The label thinks that Noah has poor judgment, which is also bullshit. My brother is an addict, I won’t deny it. What he isn’t, is how they are painting him. He needs a sponsor, he does, I don’t deny that either, but Tayla has been tasked with finding the right fit for an impossible man. That’s why I am here.”

  “Are you close?” I ask and take the smart water Tayla is handing me.

  Tayla and Carrie both laugh at my question, but it wasn’t so much bitchy as it was actually funny to them.

  “Carrie and Noah are very close, split from the same cloth. There is no other soul on this planet Noah trusts implicitly outside of Carrie. They have a language that is all theirs and its one you'll learn in time, but for now I really need you to have an open mind about this. I have had twenty fan obsessed, not so sure they were sober sponsors in here today and you are a breath of fresh air in comparison.”

  I try to take in what they are both saying and I just keep drinking from the water bottle buying myself time, not sure how to tell them about my addiction. I twist the cap back on and take a deep breath… “My addiction wasn’t of any substance.”

  I shit you not they both looked at me like I spoke a different language. A strange mixture of hope and defeat all at once in their stares. “What?” Carrie asks, a sharp bite in her tone and I know she thinks I am some obsessed fan about to go crazy on her so I hurry and explain.

  “My addiction isn’t substance based. It is all about the flesh. I am a sex addict and I have been celibate for almost four years now.”

  I take a deep breath and wait for her to ask me to leave, nicely of course because they are both sweet as pie, what she says though… I was not prepared for.

  “What do you mean perfect?” I ask and set the bottle on the floor beside my purse.

  “I mean that’s perfect. Jesus I was so scared that it could go south if we got the wrong sponsor with images of you both using together. This is perfect though. It will help Noah stay out of any sticky situation with fangirls and the bad rep fans.”

  “What is a fangirl?” I ask and, ok yes I knew it was most likely a crazy fan.

  “Oh, they are the whores.” Carrie says as if she were discussing the weather.

  I can't help but laugh. In another life I would have hated them for everything they stood for. I would have said to let the junkie suffer. Today though, today I could see myself friends with these women. It didn’t change the fact that there was no way I would be responsible for a heroin addict only six months clean.

  “Well?” Tayla says and looks at me with such hope I felt bad knowing I was bursting her bubble.

  “I cant.” I look at Carrie, seeing the sadness in her eyes instantly. “I am so sorry Mrs. Blake, but I know nothing about heroin or the draw to it, or the lasting effects. I have no way to relate to that sort of addiction. I was raised in a very wealthy very prominent home where I was ignored and raised by staff not my parents. I rebelled by throwing parties and drinking a little too much but not enough to become addicted. Just enough to start sleeping around when I was thirteen, and I didn’t stop until I was twenty-two. I am twenty-six now and have severed every tie to that life. There is nothing in my experience with addiction that qualifies me to help him.”

  “You are qualified though-“ Carrie started and I immediately shook my head and bent to get my purse when she continued, even louder and grasped at my arm, in desperation? I don’t know, but it stopped me and I knew I had to hear her out. “Noah is not your average drug addict Bright. He is one of the most self assessing human beings I have ever met. He makes no excuses for his behavior or his addiction even though, God knows he has them. A quick run through of his life? Our dad was mentally and physically abusive and one of the worst cases documented in Washington State history. Noah and I escaped after our dad passed out and ran to a little town called Gig Harbor in Washington where our Aunt and Uncle lived. He was seventeen, I was fourteen and we had fifty dollars between us. Once there he apprenticed in a tattoo shop and within six months he had rented the apartment above the shop for us both until he could a bigger place for us. He fed me, clothed me and became both my mother and father. He saved my life in so many ways, ways I can't get into or we will be here all day. He had trust issues before he was an adult, but now he is terrified of letting anyone in. He recently lost his fiancée in a car accident in which he was the driver and almost died in himself. That sent him over the edge and it was Cal, the lead guitarist and Tayla’s fiancée that pulled him free. He needs to not have a commonality with his sponsor, he simply needs you to understand the uncontrollable draw, which you do. “

  My heart broke hearing his sister tell me his choppy version of life, and I wondered how I had been so checked out of the media that I had no idea when this was obviously news worthy.

  “Noah will naturally avoid hurting you, it's in his nature, his fabric. If he knows that a sexual scene would somehow make you uncomfortable he will all together avoid it, and we need him avoiding that scene. His focus needs to be on staying clean, touring clean and learning to live again. You really are perfect for this Bright.”

  It dawns on me then that she knew exactly who I was before I even walked in the door. “So how far did you dig on me before calling me to come in for this interview?” I can hear the edge in my tone but I don’t care because they had no right to go looking.

  “Quite a bit, and yes I know it all. It’s my job, but I assure you it is confidential.” She looks at Carrie, who looks completely lost. “Nobody but myself and the heads of the label know everything Bright and it will stay that way. We have to be thorough and protect our investment.”

  I don’t know what to say to them. I don’t think that I am the best fit, but I know how it feels to be worried sick and alone in recovery. They know him better than I do and honestly after seeing the care and concern they take with his every need I believe them if they think I have what it takes, the problem is that I don’t want the responsibility.

 
“Please just think on it? The tour starts next week. We don’t need an answer for a few days. If you do decide to do this I would like for you to meet one another before you are on a tour bus for three months.”

  “Three months?” I ask and let's be honest these girls aren’t winning here. My life is in California, the Brew and apartment, my friends. All of my friends and the Sage, oh I would miss the Sage and reading on Open Mic nights. My life is here and a three month check out isn’t the responsible thing to do.

  “Yes. It’s a national tour, could be international depending on the dates that are lined up. Cal and I have our family to think of as well as Carrie and Chad. Now with this deal for Noah, it’s too much to overwhelm everyone at once, so we are starting slow this tour.”

  I meant to tell them no, I did. “I need to get my life situated. Oh shit, the Sage and the Brew…” I am rambling as they both sit antsy and excited listening.

  “We are paying a substantial amount, and any help you need to at your apartment or with work we will cover, I will negotiate it in the contract. Whatever you need Bright.”

  “I have one stipulation.” I say and this is a hard limit. I will walk if they don’t give me this.

  “What's that?”

  “If he isn’t comfortable with me, if he doesn’t feel like we can connect then I am let out of the contract no if’s and’s or but’s. His sobriety is the only factor I care about here and I will not endanger his sobriety over a corporation’s greed and unrealistic demands.”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Yes, of course.”

  They both agree in unison.

  “I also want to go on record that I think this is unfair that he was robbed of a sponsor he chose for reasons that comforted him. I am only doing this because I have my own atonement and I want to help.”