The Commitment Test (The Marin Test Series Book 2)

by Aksel, Amanda

  “There’s something else,” I said, dropping my head.

  “What?”

  “James and I broke up.” Just saying the words made my heart break again. I tried to hold back more tears. “Well, we’re technically on a break, but I think it’s a permanent one.”

  “Oh, no,” Holly put her arm around me. “What happened?”

  “We want different things, and I told him I needed some time to figure things out,” I cried.

  “I don’t understand. You love him and want to be with him and he loves you and wants to be with you too. That’s why he’s getting a thirty-year mortgage with you. How is that different?”

  “Yeah, but I want to get married and he doesn’t,” I said.

  Telly watched our exchange while scarfing down another bowl of ice cream.

  “I know this doesn’t sound like much coming from someone who’s getting married, but marriage isn’t everything. Look at David and Rachel, they’re married and miserable right now.”

  I let her words sink in as if I was hearing the message for the first time.

  “All you need is love, and that’s what you have with James. Isn’t that what you told me? Movie night in, morning breath, grow old together love.”

  Sniffling, I nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”

  Later that night, I dreamt of James from the moment I fell asleep until I woke up. I dreamed he’d come back to me, with a ring, and that somehow we’d put it all behind us. Waking to the harsh reality that I’d only been dreaming left me feeling paralyzed. Physically and emotionally. I tried to remind myself that it was my decision and that I could make it all go away if I only accepted the life that James was willing to give.

  A life of love but a marriageless life.

  Was there really anything so wrong with it in the first place? Hopefully, time away would give me complete clarity to make the right decision for myself, for James, and for both of us.

  I checked my phone again and again between appointments to make sure I hadn’t missed a call, text, or email from James. So far, he had been silent, which I guess was good. It’s what I’d asked him to do. My patients kept me busy throughout the day and helped take my mind off of things.

  That afternoon as I left work, I opened my middle drawer and pulled out How To Get a Ring on It: Get Him Down on One Knee in 90 Days or Less by Charlotte McQueen. I headed to Neiman Marcus to return the book to Ginger. I found myself at the makeup counter, browsing the array of perfect color pallets and fifty-dollar tubes of mascara.

  “Nice lipstick,” the young woman behind the counter said.

  “Thank you.” That Ginger really could pick ‘em.

  “Can I help you find something?”

  “I’m actually looking for Ginger Cho. I think she works in buying.”

  “Yeah, she’s upstairs. I’ll call her down for you.”

  Moments later, Ginger appeared, dressed like a Neiman Marcus princess with stiletto booties and chunky accessories.

  “Hey, girl, what are you doing here?” Ginger asked as she pulled me in for a hug. Her chest was noticeably firmer than mine.

  “I wanted to return this,” I said and handed her the book. She took it and her smile quickly frowned.

  “What happened?”

  “The McQueen Method didn’t work. James and I broke up,” I said, looking at the floor.

  “Are you serious? What happened? Is it permanent?”

  “I don’t know, but he told me he doesn’t want to get married.”

  “And you told him you needed time?”

  I nodded, trying desperately not to cry. As if I had any tears left.

  “Marin, you totally pulled off Step Six: Break Up to Make Up.” She smiled.

  “No, that’s not why I did it.”

  “It doesn’t matter if it was real or fake. You completed the McQueen Method. Now all you have to do is wait. He’ll be proposing soon. You watch.” She winked at me.

  “Trust me. He was very clear. It’s not gonna happen.”

  “Mind if I test out some colors?” she asked, holding a pallet of eye shadow.

  I shrugged.

  Ginger sat me down in front of the bright counter and began removing what was left of my makeup from the day. She could do whatever she wanted to my face. No amount of makeup could cover my heartbreak.

  “When did you two break up?”

  “Two days ago,” I said.

  “Close your eyes.” She brushed shadow across my closed lids and it helped me relax. “I have total faith that it’s gonna work out for you two. I can feel it.”

  “I hope you’re right,” I said and maybe she was. Maybe it was time to have a little faith. After all, if it was meant to be . . .

  “Are you still coming to my wedding this weekend?” she asked, sweeping my cheeks with blush.

  “Yeah, but it’ll just be me.”

  “That’s okay. Holly and her fiancé are coming. You can hang with them. That’s so crazy that she’s engaged, right?” You’re telling me. “It just goes to show, you never know where your life will lead. Here, look.” Ginger handed me a mirror so I could view her work. My face looked bright with an even tone, as if I hadn’t been crying the last two days. Maybe makeup could cover my heartbreak.

  “Thanks, Ginger.” I handed it back with a smile.

  “See, there’s the hope I was looking for.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Mr. and Mrs. Cash

  That Saturday, I slipped into one of my favorite dresses, the sleeveless navy with the hidden pockets. One of James’ favorites too. He could pull the zipper and the dress suddenly disappeared. I still hadn’t spoken to him, and though it hadn’t even been a week, I missed him like crazy.

  The sun had set by the time I got to the hotel and found the gift pile. I was just in time for the ceremony. Holly and Noom were nowhere to be found among the sea of guests that filled the room. I snagged a seat in the back. Floral garlands and candlelight set the tone in the room. It was classy, romantic.

  Ginger waltzed down the aisle in her gorgeous princess wedding gown that cascaded down, leaving tufts of rose-shaped fabric along the way. That’s exactly what she looked like, a princess with a tiara and all. There were moments when I wanted to flee the painful reality of watching someone else get something that I’d wanted for so long, but I stayed to support my friend. I paid close attention to my emotions and reactions to everything, hoping to gain some insight into my situation.

  As the bride and groom exchanged vows, I felt a strong pull. I definitely wanted that. To stand in front of my loved ones and make a promise to the man I loved. Since Jack had already proposed marriage, I tried to imagine us exchanging vows, just to see how it would feel. Could I be Mrs. Ashbury? There was a time, years ago, when I wanted that so badly. I began to tear up, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of the beautiful ceremony, the fact that I missed James, or the idea that I’d never have my own wedding?

  Later, at the reception, I found Holly and Noom at my assigned table. They both greeted me warmly, but sympathetically too.

  “You okay?” Holly asked. I nodded, wiping a single tear. “If not, I’ll take you home. Just say the word.”

  “I appreciate that, but really, I’m fine.” I took a deep breath and there were no more tears.

  Holly and Noom introduced the three of us to the other guests at our table, none of whom we knew. Most were family members of Jon’s. I didn’t speak much, but used my fork to pick at my food and shielded myself with a glass of red. The more we drank and ate, the friendlier we became with our tablemates. One particular couple at the table caught my interest—Roni and Vinny, who looked to be in their late fifties. It was very apparent that Jon’s Uncle Vinny was madly in love with Roni and that she was, quite possibly, the love of his life.

  I sipped my second glass of wine and listened as the two lovebirds regaled us with stories from their travels, giggling and flirting in between. Common phrases seemed to translate into sexual innuendos for the
m. Between the way they acted and their bare ring fingers, it seemed as though their relationship was fairly new.

  Good for them, finding someone to be crazy about in later life. My lovebird friends, Holly and Noom, had had enough chitchat and headed for the dance floor, leaving me alone with my almost empty second glass of wine.

  I leaned over to Vinny. “Where did you two meet?” The location might make a good suggestion to my pre-retiree divorcee patients.

  “At a wedding,” Vinny said.

  “Recently?” I asked.

  They got quite the chuckle out of my question. “No, Roni and I used to work the wedding circuit. She’s a photographer. I was a videographer. What year was that?” Vinny appeared to be doing calculations in his mind. “Eighty-seven?”

  “It was the end of eighty-six. At that holiday wedding, remember?” She pulled playfully on Vinny’s tie.

  “Yes, I remember,” he said, leaning in and touching his nose to hers.

  “That’s so sweet. How long have you been married?” I asked.

  She scoffed and gave me a dismissive wave. “Oh, we’re not married.”

  “Why do you think we’ve lasted so long?” Vinny said with a big laugh. Roni joined him and he took her hand.

  “Really?” I asked. “Do you have children?”

  “We both have children from our first marriages. My son’s over there,” he said pointing to a man on the dance floor. “We decided years ago that we had a full family.”

  “Wow, so you’ve been together almost thirty years and never got married?” I’d never known any couples like Roni and Vinny, though I may have seen one or two like them in therapy. They were a rare breed.

  “You know, that doesn’t shock people now as much as it used to. You must be one of those old-fashioned types. What about you? Got a boyfriend? Girlfriend? Husband? Wife?”

  I laughed. These days you really could have it all. Well, if you were lucky you could have it all.

  “Boyfriend,” I said.

  “He let you come to this wedding all by yourself?” Roni frowned.

  Normally, I would have made up a polite excuse, but there was something about them that made me feel comfortable with the truth. Also I was a little buzzed. I shook my head. “We’re having some issues right now, about marriage actually.”

  “Let me guess. You want to get married and he’s not ready, right?” Roni asked.

  “Is it that obvious?” I asked.

  “Not obvious, but not unusual. A lot of women feel insecure without a ring.”

  “Well, yeah. Don’t you?”

  “No way! Vinny and I know what we mean to each other.” Roni winked at him, making him blush.

  He turned to me. “Tell you the truth, Roni and I have both felt a little insecure at times, but that would’ve happened with or without wedding vows. That’s just being in a relationship.”

  “That’s true. I’m just so torn between something I want and someone I want, because it doesn’t seem like I can have both.”

  “Listen, honey.” Roni leaned over and put her hand on mine. “The only way to find real happiness is to be true to yourself by following your heart. My love story with Vinny had a complicated beginning, but it didn’t stop us from getting what we wanted, when all we wanted was each other.”

  What they had was so incredible, and it reminded me of what Holly had said—all you need is love.

  “You’re totally right. I need to be true to myself.” I nodded.

  “I’m sure everything will work out great,” she said.

  I gave her a half smile. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”

  A moment later, Vinny stood up and offered to dance with the girl he was still crazy about.

  Now, that’s what I wanted. No wedding, or romantic proposal could compare to the love that was shared between those two happily unmarried people. It had been a fortunate stroke of luck to be seated next to them at Ginger’s wedding. Roni had said the wise words I needed to hear.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  The Decision

  After the wedding, I felt empowered with a fresh outlook on everything. I decided I wasn’t going to be a victim. Instead, I was going to take responsibility for my future and my happiness.

  The next morning, I got a text from James.

  The final walk through is on Thursday at four. I need to know if you’ll be there.

  Part of me wanted to run to him and tell him that I loved him and that I was sorry about taking a break. But I needed more time to know if that was the right thing to do.

  I’m not sure. I’ll let you know.

  My best strategy when dealing with major issues had always been running. Nothing sorted my thoughts better than my feet against the pavement. The steady breathing cleared my mind of unwanted junk. So I ran that afternoon and again that evening and again and again the following days. I thought about everything that I had been through with James, about Jack’s reappearance, and what it all meant. I searched my soul for the things that truly mattered to me, and let go of the things that didn’t. The longer I was away from James and the more I ran, the clearer things had become. After three days of intense mental, emotional, and spiritual deliberation, my decision was made. I wouldn’t apologize for it, not to James, not to my friends, and definitely not to myself.

  After my run that Wednesday evening, I called Jack to come over. My stomach was full of butterflies as I awaited his arrival, and I thought my heart was going to leap from my chest when he knocked on the door.

  “I didn’t think you’d want to see me again,” he said.

  I led him inside. “Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life is full of surprises.”

  “You can say that again.” We settled in awkwardly with the usual niceties, and I served him a glass of iced tea. Neither of us mentioned the kiss or anything that had happened that day.

  “You haven’t finished packing,” he said, seeming confused. My apartment remained somewhere between staying and going, just as I had been that last week. Staying. Going. “Have you changed your mind?”

  “That’s why I wanted to talk to you. About what you said. Did you mean it?”

  “Every word.” He put down his glass and took my hand.

  I could barely look at him. “There was a time when I wished you had said all those things. And I believe you. I think you could give me that life. The life I’ve always dreamed of. Maybe we could be happy together. We once were . . . but that was a long time ago. And despite your intentions or mine, I just don’t know if there’s enough between us, enough to keep us together.”

  “Then why don’t we give it a chance to see what’s there?” He squeezed my hand and I looked into his eyes.

  “Because it’s not fair to you or to me. No matter what, the truth is, I’m in love with someone else, and I can’t change that. You may be the better choice for all kinds of reasons. And there may come a day that I regret not taking a chance with you, but I think I’ll regret it more if I don’t finish what I started with James. I want you to understand that. I want you to find happiness for yourself.”

  He let out a sigh. “What can I do to change your mind?”

  “It’s not my mind that needs changing,” I said.

  “Right. Well, I guess that’s it then.”

  I nodded and he let go of my hand. I could feel that he was letting me go too. We stood and I motioned him to follow me to the door. “I’m really glad we ran into each other all those times,” I said.

  “You are?”

  “Yes.” I smiled. He took me in his arms and pressed himself against me. It would be the last time he’d ever get to hold me like that and so I let him. “You’ll always be special to me, Marin.”

  “You’ll always be special to me too.” I pulled away.

  “Maybe I’ll see you around.”

  “Maybe.”

  I stood outside my door and watched him walk away. Even though I knew I’d hurt him, that I might even miss him a little, I had no d
esire to call him back. As the distance grew between us, it became all the more clear that I had made the right decision for both of us.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  Coming Home

  My patients, Abby and Dylan, sat on the sofa, near one another. I’d been seeing them for over two years. It all started when Abby had felt hopeless about their less than stellar sex life. I’d never forget the two of them screaming at each other in my office. No matter what Abby thought in the beginning, plenty of passion existed between those two.

  “Dr. Johns,” Dylan said. “We believe we’re ready.”

  “Ready for what?” I asked, glancing back and forth between the two of them.

  “Ready to graduate therapy,” he said.

  I smiled and could see the accomplished looks on their faces.

  Abby leaned forward. “You’ve been so good to us, helping us through the separation, then coming back together. Our sex life made a one-eighty, which I never thought was possible.”

  “I totally agree,” I said. “You two put in a lot of work and I can see it’s really paid off. I’m so proud of you both.”

  Abby and Dylan shared a sweet glance, then he turned to me. “Thank you, Dr. Johns, for saving our marriage.”

  I shook my head. “No, I didn’t save your marriage. You two did.” I was always encouraged when a couple graduated therapy. Each time it reaffirmed my belief in love. Real love.

  Abby and Dylan left me with hugs and praise, and I watched them head off on to their new life together. It was almost three-thirty, and I also would be heading off on to my new life.

  Shortly after, I left the office and took a cab to Alamo Square. I pulled out my phone to call James, but he was already calling in.

  “Hey,” I said, my voice a little shaken and my heart pounding so hard I thought I might have a heart attack. It was the first time we’d talked since the break.

  “Hey, I didn’t think you would answer.” He sounded quiet and cautious.

  “How are you?” I asked.

  “I’ve been better. How about you?”