If You Hear Me

by Jenn LeBlanc

  He hasn’t changed a bit. Like cloves and smoke…but from a campfire. Like if you could taste the heat it would be him except his body is bigger, stronger, harder, more determined.

  “Hey! You two get out of here before I call the police!”

  I lean back to catch a breath and find the bank security guard headed straight for us. Daniel takes a step away from me, and I panic…and run.

  I don’t even pause, dodging through the neighborhood until I see a familiar street name and I find my building. I run through the lobby without turning back, get on the elevator and don’t stop to breathe until I’m inside my condo staring back at the closed door. Then I exhale. I go back to the door and flip the lock over the ball and check the deadbolt. Twice. I don’t know why. Then I leave my bag in the hallway and go straight to my bedroom, because I need a cold shower. A really fucking cold shower.

  I let the water slide over my skin, the goosebumps reminding me just how alive I am right now. It saturates my hair until it’s too heavy to stand up and makes a curtain of black-brown in front of my face, blocking most of the light. I feel safer. My heart rate starts to slow, but the rhythm never truly goes back to normal because all I can see is his face, all I can feel is his body pushing against mine, all I can smell is the earth of his skin in my breath.

  I finish, then get out of the shower and dry off before throwing myself on my bed. I don’t have anywhere else to be tonight, so getting dressed is definitely unnecessary.

  I pull the shattered Apple TV remote from my nightstand and turn on the TV, pulling up my most recently watched shows. I tend to start things and not finish them. TV is great for putting me to sleep. If I want to stay awake, I’ll read a book.

  I flip to a new drama centered around a group of women in an affluent seaside town and hit play. Everyone’s been buzzing about how good it is, but a scene at a preschool pickup line has me twitching, so I shut it off and switch to something with vampires. Certainly there won’t be any stupid school scenes in this show. I watch as they argue over who loves whom and what happens when they’re all bloodsuckers and where they’ll live when the city dies, and it’s fine brainless entertainment and I can totally get on board for this. Even Anne Rice vampires don’t visit preschools.

  One of the vampires leaves, and the other is left with the human woman. He smells her, and something shoots through me at the sheer possessiveness of his expression. Just like Daniel’s. It’s a look every woman knows in her bones. It’s a look every woman looks for, but only some women find. The lucky ones. Well, the lucky ones and me, because I certainly don’t consider myself lucky at all.

  What I wouldn’t give to remember what that feels like and be able to lose myself in it. To allow Daniel to look at me like that again and not run away. Like I could burn his world to the ground with the snap of my fingers. I feel the cool of my tears streaking my cheeks before I realize I’m crying and wipe them away. I can’t be with him. There’s nothing there but pain. Nothing but hurt and memories that’ll only kill me if I give them the power to do so. He has no idea what looking at him does to me. He doesn’t understand that I need him to leave me alone. That means I need to tell him. I need to explain. If I’m going to stay here and do this, he has to know.

  I’m the one who came here and I know…I knew he’d be here. I have no excuse. I came willingly, my eyes wide open. What comes next is entirely my fault. If I were being honest with myself, I’d accept the fact that I actually welcome the pain. Maybe because the pain has faded over the years and I don’t want it to. I want to be able to feel it, because the only thing I have left of her is the pain. I have nothing else, not even a photograph. Once the pain is gone I’ll have nothing at all, and she deserves so much better than to be forgotten. She deserved so much better than what she got.

  She deserved so much better than me. I’m nothing but a coward who couldn’t stand up to my parents. I allowed everything that happened. Even if I couldn’t control the outcome, I could have controlled what life I did have with her in it. I could have done something, run away, been happy for at least a little while. I feel my chest hitch without the sob that probably created it and I know I need to pay attention to the damn TV so I can sleep. I need sleep. I need to get my mind away from Daniel and Isabeau and my family and the rest of it.

  Seeing him was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Maybe I should leave. Seeing him… It filled me with a sense of hope I haven’t felt in years. Like all the possibilities of our childhood dreams came rushing back in that moment, and I could almost taste them. I can’t allow it. What have I done? I never should have chased this dream, because no matter how hard I try I’m not going to be able to keep him away from me. We’ll be in the same concert hall all summer once they name the symphony, and I have absolutely no doubt he’ll be named.

  Maybe I won’t.

  Maybe this will end before it begins. Maybe I’ll fail my try.

  Maybe they won’t want me. I’m rusty; I haven’t really found my stride yet.

  Maybe I’m not good enough to be here.

  Maybe I’m just another musician without an instrument.

  I stare at the vampire on the screen and try to concentrate on what he’s doing. The way her eyes follow his hand as it runs up her arm and holds her neck. The way his thumb pushes against her jaw to tilt her head to the perfect angle. The way her eyes close and the camera focuses on the pulse in her neck, so strong it seems impossible. Then he’s leaning toward her, his mouth open, his teeth shining…

  I wake in the dead of night, Netflix shaming me from across the room: Are you still watching?

  Okay, maybe it serves a purpose. But it’s annoying when I’m trying to binge so I can forget I have responsibilities. I roll over and turn off the TV and drift off again, only to have the sun blind me what feels like moments later. I need to remember to close the curtains in my bedroom before I go to bed.

  I roll away from the window and try to sleep more, but all I see is him. Maybe if I get him out of my system, I’ll be able to walk away. But can I see him again? Can I be around him and not want to tell him everything? When I saw him five years ago in Paris, I almost told him, but now my feelings are so heavily tempered with the pain he carries for me. It’s been so long, he may hate me for keeping this secret, and what do I do then? I can’t trust myself around him. I can’t.

  But I want this. I want to be part of this symphony. I want my life back. So somehow I’m going to have to figure this out because this thing—whatever it is—isn’t going to stop me from chasing this one dream I’m trying to recapture. I want it. This one thing for myself, the thing I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. For longer than I’ve known him or Isabeau. I’ve wanted this for longer than I’ve wanted anything. I can’t let this one thing be taken away from me.

  All I need to do is get my emotions and my brain on the same page.

  Three

  Daniel

  I searched for an hour before I went home and tried to sleep. It didn’t work very well, and I ended up pacing most of the night and trying different Google searches to find her. She wasn’t the same girl I remember, except she was. She tasted like oranges and wild berries, so sweet and tart all at the same time. Her body was the same but softer, her mouth wetter, fuller, more insistent.

  She must be living around WeHo somewhere. Or she knows someone in the neighborhood. She wasn’t in any of the stores or restaurants so she had to be in a secure building, because she wasn’t that quick. Really none of that matters when I think about it since I’ll see her at the tryouts. I’ll just have to wait. Unless she leaves again.

  She’s using the DJ name we came up with as kids. I think that might be the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard. She only ever played DJ for conservatory functions. The fact that she’s spinning for real now, that’s just…it’s just way cool. She was so good. I love it. I can’t wait to tell her how amazing I think it is if I find her—when I find her.

  I text Tris and see if he wan
ts to go back to the club today, but he doesn’t answer. He either has his daughter Soso or he’s working. I text Xan, but he doesn’t answer either—not surprising since James has come into his life. I text Bells, but I think the new season of her TV dance show is starting soon so I won’t see her for a couple of months, at least until the show is rolling steady. I pace in front of the windows as the sun heats the room. I’ll need to start pulling the curtains to keep it cooler in here during the day.

  Okay…who else can I bug so I don’t have to be alone? I could always go check out Jonny's. I look at my watch—it’s ten a.m.. None of the bars open this early, and I’m not going to go hang out in front of the club all day. My phone buzzes and I look down. it’s Xan.

  * * *

  X } Yo

  Finally! { D

  X } Hey! What happened yesterday?

  Meet for lunch? { D

  X } Yeah Ok

  Tacos? { D

  X } Guisados

  Yep { D

  X } Okay

  * * *

  An hour later, my nose is buried in one of the best tacos in L.A.. We sit on the patio, watching the world go by but not talking much. I’m suddenly burned out on the whole talking thing even though this morning that’s all I wanted to do. But it’s really just Xan; he’s still a comforting presence to me, and we don’t have to talk.

  He has a skullcap and big sunglasses on, I’m assuming to attempt some anonymity. It’s working okay. Even the people who realize it’s him just wave and smile instead of asking for pics since it’s obvious he’s trying to be incognito.

  “Talk,” Xan says when he pushes the plate away, and I laugh. He leans back in his seat with his horchata iced coffee looking like he walked straight out of a Stumptown Instagram ad.

  I laugh again. “I don’t know what there is to say, man.”

  “Where is she? I haven’t heard from you since you ran after her yesterday. I’m assuming it was Camellia, because you haven’t taken off on me like that since Paris.”

  “Yeah, it’s her. I don’t know where she went. I lost her.”

  “So she ran from you?”

  “She ran when I got distracted.”

  “Distracted. Dude, how could you possibly get distracted?”

  “I kissed her, and a cop yelled. It distracted me, and she bolted.”

  “Uh, how exactly were you kissing her? Wait—don’t answer that. Okay, after Paris, all you did was talk about her nonstop after you ran into her. So how could you let her get away from you again? This is bullshit.”

  “Yeah but…this is different. I don’t think she—I don’t think… I don’t actually know what to think. She bolted.”

  “Like she did in Paris.”

  “She didn’t bolt in Paris. She stood me up. We were supposed to meet and…”

  “And she didn’t show up.”

  “No. She didn’t show up.”

  “Yeah, I remember that. I also remember the next four days we spent wandering around hoping to find her.”

  “Hey, the paparazzi loved seeing us together.”

  “Yeah, sure they did. It must have looked like a true lovers’ getaway. Except for you breaking my heart.”

  “Come on,” I say, and he laughs.

  “That was basically the beginning of the end for us, though. You were so distracted by her after that there was no room for me.” I turn and look at him then, the tinge of worn sadness in his voice. He shakes his head and smiles.

  “Do you think that was it?”

  “What?”

  “Do you think she saw us together and got the wrong idea? I told her we were friends but we didn’t spend much time talking, right? If she saw us together… But how…” My head hurts suddenly and I drop my taco and lean over on my crossed arms on the table. “I have so many questions.”

  “Okay, but will you get those questions answered, going about things the way you’ve been doing?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, when you ran into her in Paris you guys were supposed to talk but instead you ended up kissing her on the banks of the Seine like a French postcard until she had to go meet her parents. There was no talking. Then she was gone.”

  “Oh, so you think that’s all we have between us, then?”

  “No, that isn’t at all what I said, Danny. Is that what you think?”

  “No.”

  “Okay, then don’t put words in my fucking mouth,” he says with a smile and a kick at my foot. “The fact is that you didn’t do much talking. When you chased her out of the bar, did you try to have a conversation with her? Did you invite her to lunch, coffee, anything? Try to get her phone number? Or did you jump on her like a lovesick teenager?”

  “I—don’t remember.”

  Xan leans forward. “Maybe, just maybe, the next time you see her you need to make it clear what you want is to talk to her. To catch up. To find out what happened, to work through whatever it is she obviously needs to work through. Jesus, Daniel, we know the two of you get it on just fine. It’s perfectly obvious that that part of your relationship is sound. If you want more from her, you need to make that clear.”

  “I saw her for all of ten minutes,” I say.

  Xan looks at his watch. “We’ve been talking for five,” he says. “Are you saying you couldn’t stutter your way to a hello, can I get your number inside of five minutes?”

  “A lot of that was chasing and kissing.”

  “Less kissing, more talking?”

  “I just— I can’t keep my hands of off her.”

  “Listen, if you want more from her you’re going to have to give her more. Think about it.”

  I do think for a minute, like I’ve thought about those fleeting minutes all night. She didn’t try to get away from me once I caught up to her. Her body curved into mine as mine searched for contact with hers. No, we don’t have any issues with that part of us, but an actual conversation? It’s been ten years since we had one of those.

  “You may have a point, but I need to find her before I can even try to talk to her. Conversation or not, I can’t do that without her.”

  I look up to see Xan’s gaze over my shoulder. He sits back, a big grin on his face. “I’m glad you could make it,” he says, and I turn.

  “So talk,” she says. She’s standing there, a tray of tacos and an iced coffee in her hand. I stand and so does Xan, but he pulls his chair out and motions to it for her to sit. She smiles at him, then leans toward him and kisses both of his cheeks. “I remember you. You and Daniel made quite the splash in Paris,” she says.

  Xan laughs. “Yeah, but you of all people should know that was all for show.”

  “Not entirely,” she says.

  “No, not entirely, however, you do know the difference between us and you. I’m sure of that.”

  “Yeah, I think maybe I do,” she says and sits the tray and drink down on the table. “Thanks,” she says to him, and he wraps her up in a hug. “Can I get a pic?”

  He laughs again, “for you? Anything,” he says then spins her around and takes his sunglasses off and lets her take a pic. She’s beaming, and it’s so beautiful it hurts. “Thanks, sweetie. I’ll let you guys talk. I’m supposed to meet James anyway. Give me a little head start before you post it, yeah?”

  “Of course, thank you,” she says as she plays with the phone.

  Xan pulls me close and kisses my cheek. “I love you. Get the basics down, okay?” I nod and we kiss like we always do, without a second thought, then he squeezes my shoulder before he walks off down Santa Monica. When I turn back to the table, she’s staring at me and I realize one thing above everything else—he’s right. I know how to hold her, how to make her body shake and her lungs scream. What I don’t know anymore is how to have a conversation, because the last time we planned on having a conversation, she disappeared.

  “How are you here?” I ask, because…this is too much for me to contemplate realistically.

  “Well, your friend, Xan, he ta
lked to Lowblow. Left his number. I texted him.”

  “So this was a setup?”

  “No, it was an invitation, but I didn’t tell him yes or no. I told him I’d think about it.”

  I turn and watch Xan, head down, phone out, “fuck off” written all over him as he heads to his car and I’m reminded why I’ve always loved him so much.

  Meli

  “He is just as beautiful in person,” I say as I watch Daniel watching Xan walk away. I’m thankful he tracked me down and asked me to come. I think I’m actually thankful it was him and not Daniel who tracked me down.

  “Yeah, he is. More than you know.”

  “Oh, I think I have an idea,” I reply, because arranging for us to get together makes it pretty obvious.

  He laughs. “Yeah, well, believe it. He’s even more beautiful on the inside. I don’t know where I’d be without him.”

  “That’s quite a statement.” I’m twisting my straw and if I don’t quit I won’t be able to get anything out of the cup, so I fold my hands in my lap to keep myself from destroying something else with my nervousness.

  “The relationship we had may have been exaggerated for the media, but it’s one of the most important relationships of my life. I learned a lot from him.”

  “I see.”

  “Xan and I…we met just when his career was starting. He needed a friend, and I needed the same. I had no intention of…falling in love with anyone. You were my everything even then.”