If You Hear Me

by Jenn LeBlanc

  “Of course you are.”

  “So are you.”

  “You know I am. So how is Camellia? I assume she’s coming with us?”

  “She is, yes, and she’s been…God, Tris, it’s been amazing.”

  “Good. It’s about time, I mean…” He takes a deep breath like he’s clearing the slate, then starts over. “I’m glad. I’m sorry I never believed you.”

  “You never had to. I did.”

  “I know, but still.”

  “Yeah, well. No worries, now it’s here and she’s here and we’re good and there’s nothing left to believe about it.”

  “Why do you sound unsure?”

  “I’m not so much unsure as I am nervous about Saturday.”

  “Why is that?”

  “I have to tell my mother that she had a grandbaby, Tris. Don’t start thinking too far into that, but that’s…the gist of it right there. My mom, this woman who loves kids so much that once she had her freedom she went out and adopted another kid to start over with.”

  “Yeah that’s not going to be easy. But I’ll be there for you. We’ve got you.”

  “I know. That’s why I’m waiting for Saturday, to be perfectly honest.”

  He nods and we fall silent, but my mind just can’t stop thinking about having to tell my mom about my daughter.

  “Are you sure we don’t need to stop for anything?” she asks, and I shake my head for about the millionth time that morning.

  “You’ve met my mom. I told her there would be four of us, which means she’ll be making enough for forty plus doggie bags.” She laughs and turns out the window. “Cam, I’m going to tell her while we’re there. I have to tell her. I just wanted to warn you first because I need to do this myself but after…you know she’s going to track you down and hug the daylights out of you, right? She won’t be able to help herself.”

  “I understand. I’m prepared. I was actually wondering about that. Just give me a heads up before you go talk to her so I can…I don’t know, just be ready. Er. Readier. I guess.”

  “I will.”

  I pull into the driveway and get out of the car. My mom hasn’t heard us yet or she’d be running out to greet us. I walk around the car and open Camellia’s door and hold my hand out to her as Tris and Soso get out of the back. Meli looks up at the front of the house and smiles.

  “What is it?” I ask, putting my hands on her hips and pushing her back against the car door, because her smile does crazy things to me.

  “Which window is yours?”

  I turn and point. “That one, on the end. Why?”

  She shrugs. “I just feel very close to you here. Not exactly you, to…former you. Young you. I don’t know. Knowing you grew up in this house, I feel a connection to the boy I fell in love with. Does that—does that make sense?”

  “Yeah, it does, actually.” And I get it, and the more I think about it, the more I feel it. That connection to young me and the young her I fell in love with. Then there’s nothing I can do but to kiss her. I hear the front door open and my mom screech. “You ready?” I ask and suck on her lower lip giving her as many tiny kisses as she’ll allow.

  “As I can be.”

  I turn around and reveal Meli to my mother, who’s running down the walk. When she sees her she comes to a dead stop then turns back toward the house and yells my father’s name as she covers her face. Maybe she feels like she saw a ghost.

  “What’s going on?” Meli asks quietly, and I take her hand and squeeze it.

  “She’s probably excited. I didn’t give her any warning, you know.”

  My dad appears at the door, and the shock on his face when he sees Meli is odd. Mom straightens her clothes and turns around, a too-big smile on her face as she walks toward us, my father watching with concern.

  “This is such a surprise, Camellia. I never… I didn’t think we’d see you…” she says.

  “A good surprise, right, Mom?” I ask, and she sort of nods.

  “Yes, of course. Of course.” She takes Cam’s hands and squeezes then gives her a big hug and seems to pull herself together. “I apologize. I just wasn’t expecting… I’m so happy to have you here and in Daniel’s life, of course I am. We have so much—so much—” She leans back and runs her hand down Cam’s cheek and smiles at her. “Just as beautiful as ever,” she says.

  My dad, who never left the front door, turns and walks back into the house. I look at Tris, who looks back at me with this what the fuck is going on? Expression, which I can do nothing but shrug to in response. These people aren’t acting like my parents.

  “I guess we should…um.” Mom stops talking, and Soso comes over and grabs her hand.

  “Where’s Izzy?” she asks.

  “Oh Iz…Izzy, she’s out back, with George,” my mom says. “I imagine he just went to get her. Why don’t you go on in and…find her while I talk to Daniel and Camellia?” As she says it, another car pulls up, and Xan and James get out and come over and hug my mom and exchange perfectly normal hellos. I watch this, wondering why our welcome wasn’t something more similar to this. Then we’re all just standing there staring at each other.

  “I’m going to go find Soso and Iz,” Tris says. “Hey Xan, James, come on. George is out back…or something.” He finishes then smacks Xan in the shoulder, and the three of them walk toward the house.

  My mom turns back to me. “We should…we should go talk. For a minute. We should go talk,” she says, and I’m suddenly reminded about the conversation we need to have.

  “Yeah, but I need to say hello to Iz first or she’ll be pissed. Then I need to talk to you alone.”

  “No, no, I think we should talk first, the three of us. I need to talk to the both of you. Come on.”

  We follow my mom, and Meli latches onto my hand with both of hers, whispering, “What’s happening?”

  I just shake my head.

  We get inside and my mom pauses as though she’s listening for something. “The study, let’s go to the study.”

  “Okay.” I nod and follow. We get in the study, and my mom closes the door quietly behind her as I lead Meli over to the sofa.

  “So Camellia,” she says as she sits in the chair next to us. “Wow, how…” She stops and her gaze floats out the window, and now I’m really starting to get concerned.

  “Mom, are you okay? You’re starting to scare me.” She shakes her head and closes her eyes, and I see a tear streak her cheek. “Mom, what the hell?” I say and I lean toward her, taking her shaking hands in mine and getting her attention.

  “Son, I love you so very much. So very much. Everything I’ve done…” She doesn’t finish her thought.

  “What have you done? I love you too, you know that, but what’s going on? What is it you need to tell me? Am I adopted, too? You’re freaking me out,” I say, and something starts to churn in the pit of my stomach.

  “No, nothing like that nothing…I just, oh my God, I—need a second.”

  “Okay,” I say.

  Camellia’s hand runs up my arm to rest on my shoulder. Maybe I should tell her what we need to? Maybe I should get that out of the way and then whatever she has to say will just pale in comparison and she’ll feel better. I look over to Cam.

  “Go ahead,” Meli says, and I nod.

  “Listen, Mom, we need to tell you something,” I start.

  “I know,” she says and she finally meets my gaze with a smile that breaks my heart.

  I shake my head and continue. “Camellia’s parents took her out of the country because she was pregnant,” I say quietly, and I reach up and put my hand on her shoulder. “Mom?”

  She shakes her head. “What I meant was…I know. I know about the baby.”

  I pull my hand back reflexively, because…my mom knew and…and she never told me. My brain is very rapidly trying to reconcile all possibilities and how she’d have determined not telling me to be the absolute best option in the situation. It isn’t working.

  She looks at me a
nd her mouth drops open to say something, but the door flings wide and my little sister Izzy comes screaming into the room, throwing herself at me.

  “How come you didn’t come say hello first? I’m the most important person in the world, Daniel. I am,” she says, and I laugh but my thoughts are somewhere else—until she pulls back and I meet her gaze.

  I can see Camellia out of my peripheral vision, her hands over her mouth, her eyes wide. My mom is shaking her head, crying in earnest now. Izzy turns and sticks her hand out to Camellia, who takes it like it’s a piece of spun glass. I look between the two of them and I see something I never noticed before. My heart drops through my stomach and I suddenly feel ill.

  Meli

  She’s mine. She’s mine. It’s the only thought I have, the only words that come to mind as I look into eyes so like mine, yet so like Daniel’s. I can’t take my gaze from her. My hands are running over her as though I have every right to touch her however I want to, because I do. I have every right to touch this child, because she’s mine. She’s mine.

  I take one of her small hands and turn it over in my own, running a finger along the line across her palm, and she laughs.

  “That tickles,” she says, and my face hurts because I’m smiling so hard. “I know you, you’re my brother’s friend.”

  “How do you—”

  “He always talks about you. He has pictures of you in his room. But I’m not supposed to go in there.” She cuts a quick glance at Daniel.

  “Oh. I am, an old friend, yes.” Then I’m not sure what else I should say. I run my hands up to her shoulders and back down, and I know I’m being too forward with this child who doesn’t know me at all and I should stop but I can’t seem to make myself let go of her. Because I know her. Because she’s mine. My Isabeau.

  “Mom?” Daniel asks, but there’s no answer.

  “What’s your name?” she says as she shies away, and I twist my fingers together against my knees to keep from touching her again without her permission.

  “My name…you can call me Cam,” I say quietly. “Can I give you a hug? Is that okay?” She nods, and my heart jumps as she falls against me. I wrap my arms around her and then I can’t hold back my emotions anymore and I cry, like I haven’t cried in years. I cry and cry. I try to keep myself silent so as not to scare her, because I want this to last for as long as possible. But I can feel my chest heaving against the stifled tears and I’m afraid she’ll be frightened. Someone touches my shoulder, and I know I have to let go of her. I lean back but don’t quite let go. My parents lied to me. To my face, my parents told me she was dead. Everyone I interacted with at the hospital was complicit in that lie. Daniel’s parent’s—

  “Are you okay?” she asks, and I smile.

  “I am, I just…I didn’t know what a sweet girl you’d be and I’m so very happy to meet you. So very happy that it hurts a little.”

  “It’s because I’m so special, right? Momma says I’m super special. So does Daniel.” Daniel. Did he know?

  I turn to look at him but remember the moments after we talked about her the first time and I see that shock on his face again as he looks at his sister and I can see him processing his knowledge in a completely different light. He slid to the floor and he’s leaning back against the sofa, his knees up, his hand over his mouth, tears streaking his cheeks as he watches us.

  “Everyone’s upset,” she says then her smile turns to a frown and every single atom in my being wants for her to smile again. It’s this overpowering need to fix whatever is broken for her.

  “We aren’t upset. We’re just very overwhelmed because we’re old friends, and I’ve just come back, and we’ve missed each other so much. So it’s a very happy sort of sad. Does that make sense?”

  “Kinda but not really,” she says. “Daniel, I’m going to go find Soso. I think she’s lonely,” she says and backs away slowly, and I know I should just let her go even though I have this need. This…rope that pulls me toward her like she an anchor and I’m the hull of a boat in a storm.

  Daniel nods, and this beautiful child with the wild blond hair and the bright green eyes smiles at me, kisses my cheek, and then turns and runs from the room.

  I slide to the floor and lean against the sofa next to Daniel, taking his hand and squeezing it.

  “Are you—how are you?” he asks.

  “I don’t know. I don’t. You?”

  He shakes his head, both of us staring at the door she walked out of. “She… How did I not notice how much she looks like you?” he says. “Her eyes…they’re yours.”

  “Because she looks too much like you,” I say and I know it’s true. Daniel was only a boy himself and he wasn’t looking for child. Neither was I.

  “I imagine you both have questions,” his mom says, and we both turn to look up at her sitting in the same place she was when Iz came running in.

  “You kept her name?” I ask.

  “You named her, and we wanted her to have that. She’s always gone by Izzy—that was Daniel’s doing,” his mother says.

  “Isabeau is too formal for a kid,” he says, but he pronounces it with the hard American z sound, not the soft s of the French. Then the color drains from his face as he turns to me. “God, you even told me her name and I didn’t—”

  I shake my head, and he stops.

  “Camellia, I’ll answer any questions you have and…we’ll need to figure out what happens…what we do next. I don’t want to traumatize her.”

  Traumatize… The word breaks me, and I stand. “Do you think I’d do anything to hurt my child? She’s my daughter! If I was going to doing something rash, I’m pretty sure I’d have already done it. You maybe need to take a step back, because from where I’m standing I’m the one in control. My daughter died…I mean, I thought—I thought she died. I thought. Do you know what that did to me? Do you understand what it feels like to lose your child? Did you have any concern for me at all?” I only realize I’m screaming when Daniel stands and wraps his arms around me, trying to comfort me.

  “Yes, Camellia, I love you, we were thinking of nothing but you, and Iz, and that’s one of the reasons we did what we did. Your parents… I don’t want to speak ill of the dead.”

  “Then allow me.” My voice is shaking so bad now I’m not sure anyone will understand. “They told me my child had died and they wouldn’t let me see her, bury her, memorialize her, nothing. They were angry with me whenever I cried or mentioned her. Before that, I spent six months in complete seclusion from the world because they didn’t want anyone to know she was mine. They’d already decided we’d raise her as…a sister or cousin or something else nobody would really believe. I lost my life and then I lost my child, and when I lost my parents, every possibility in life was given back to me, but this…I never once thought I’d ever be given my daughter back. They gave my child away and never once did they show an ounce of remorse for doing so. I’ve never been so hurt, so angry, so happy… And you…” I shake my head as I’m suddenly weak. Daniel helps me to the sofa. “She’s alive, Daniel. Our baby, she’s alive. Just yesterday she was dead, but now—”

  I feel him nod against the top of my head as he holds me, and I just collapse against him in tears. How do I ever come back from this…whatever this is?

  “Mom,” he says. “What the hell?”

  “Daniel, we didn’t think we had any choice. Saving Iz was the best thing we could do in the situation. They intended to give her up for adoption. We swore to them that we’d never tell you. We swore we’d keep you from tracking Camellia down. We promised. There are legal documents. They threatened us—”

  “But they’re dead.”

  “Yes, they are. And we’ve been trying to figure out how to go about…all of this,” she says as she waves a hand around in a circle. “I’m sorry, I just honestly had no idea how to do it. I don’t want to hurt Iz…and I didn’t want you to hate me either.”

  “Hate you? Mom, come on, you—apparently—saved my daughter. Why
would I hate you? But you have to explain how this…”

  “Not right now,” I interject. “I want to see her. I need to be around her. I don’t want to know these details right now. Maybe not ever. It doesn’t matter anymore, none of it does. She’s here and she’s beautiful and she’s mine.”

  “Now, wait a second,” his mom says, and her face looks worried again.

  “Hey, I’m just stating a fact. I’m not going to do something to hurt my child. She must know she’s adopted though. She’s quite obviously mixed race even if she is pale and blonde. That’s something to build on, though learning Daniel is her father—”

  “Oh God,” he says, and I look at him—he’s gone completely pale.

  “Daniel?”

  “Yeah,” he says quietly. “I mean, I just got used to… And then… And now… I’m going to need a minute. But look, I think I may just try to ignore it for the moment. That might be…easier actually. So whatever you need, I’m here, I’m—goddammit, Mom, what the fuck!”

  The room is instantly silent as shock and hurt cross his mother’s face, followed swiftly by remorse.

  “Daniel, I’m sorry,” she says, and I look at her, really look at her for the first time. This woman was like a mom to me, more so than my own mother ever was. Losing her was nearly as hard for me as losing Daniel at the time. I think about what she said. I realize she was put in a perfectly impossible situation, but in the end, she did what she thought would be best. I loved her then and I still love her now. I stand and hold my hands out, and she comes to me and we hug.

  “Thank you,” I say. “For saving my child.” We stand there together for a while, then she leans back and takes my hand. “The rest of it can wait.” And it will. I pack up all these other emotions for the moment, because I want to see my girl.

  “Camellia I’m so grateful to have you back in our family. I should have sought you out sooner. I’m so sorry.” She leans back, and I smile. I can’t help it. My daughter is alive. “Let’s go find her,” she says. “I’ll tell you everything.”