Next Year I'll be Perfect

by Laura Kilmartin

  I was pleased to see he didn't refuse me out of hand. If anything, the fact that he took a step closer appeared like he might even be mildly interested in the invitation.

  I chalked it up to hunger, and tried to quickly erase any lingering doubts that I was offering anything more than friendship. “That was my Uncle Jeremy. Gloria is at his place and they're planning a barbecue. She told me to invite Frank. I thought you might like to come, too.”

  “Oh, um…I don't know.” I was surprised when Morgan's initial interest seemed to wane and he stepped back to his former position.

  Realizing that this was going to be trickier that I originally thought, I wracked my brains trying to remember the tactics Marlin Perkins used to employ when cornering a scared, wild animal. I cast my eyes downward, kept my hands in sight at all times and spoke in calm, even tone as I reminded him, “You said you have nothing better to do today.”

  “I know, but…”

  While Morgan didn't finish his sentence, I tried to imagine what the unspoken “buts” could mean.

  “…but I don't want to socialize with you outside of work…”

  “…but this sounds suspiciously like a date and that didn't work out well the last time…”

  “…but you're a complete and utter fruitcake and I left my ninja throwing stars at home….”

  “It's just burgers on a grill. Even I can be well behaved and conduct myself in a socially acceptable manner for one afternoon. Especially in front of my uncle and my boss.”

  “I don't want to intrude.”

  “You're not intruding. Look, if you don't want to come, that's fine. No harm no foul. But, I wouldn't have invited you if you weren't welcome.”

  Finally I got a nod in return. “Sounds good.”

  I wrote down Jeremy's address and handed it to him. “Here. Show up at five with your favorite beer. We'll take care of the rest.”

  Having accomplished the hard part, I walked back in the corner office. “Frank!”

  “What?”

  “You've got two hours then you're shutting down your computer. Jeremy's having a barbecue and you're invited.”

  “I'm in the middle of something here, Bennett. I can't just pick up and…”

  I held up my hand and took out the big guns. “Gloria told Jeremy to invite you. She said in no uncertain terms you are to show up.”

  “Oh. Okay, then.” Matter settled, Frank put his head back down and I turned back to the reception area to finally get some work done when I was called back with a shout.

  “Bennett!”

  “What?”

  “Why is Gloria inviting me to Jeremy's house?”

  Oh, this was just delicious.

  I turned on my full wattage smile and gestured for Morgan to follow me into Frank's office. This was going to be too fun not to share with someone.

  I sat down and smoothed my skirt over my legs with slow, deliberate motions. “You mean you don't know?”

  “Know what?”

  “Jeremy and Gloria are dating. It's a full-fledged romance as a matter of fact.”

  I waited a beat. Two. Three. Finally, Frank regained the power of speech and spluttered, “My Gloria?”

  “No, Frank.” I smiled sweetly. “Apparently she's Jeremy's Gloria.”

  “But, but…when did this happen?”

  “I've known for a few months, but I think they were dating secretly for a while before that.”

  “This is a law office. This shouldn't be…” I'd never seen my boss so seriously unhinged that he was unable to express a thought. “A law office should be filled with serious professionals.”

  “Did you know about this?” Frank turned his attention to Morgan who looked both amused and just a little afraid.

  “Are you kidding?” He held up his hands in supplication.

  Taking pity, I tried to explain in simple terms. “Gloria is a serious professional, Frank. She's also dating my uncle. People are allowed to have lives.”

  I got nothing in return but a blank look. Reminded that life outside of work did not register as a known quantity in Frank's world, I tried again. “You love Gloria and you're also very fond of Jeremy. They're good people.”

  “Of course they are,” He bristled. “Didn't say they weren't.”

  “This is a good thing, then.”

  He looked at me with mistrust, but still as if a small part of him wanted to believe. “It's a good thing?”

  “Yes, it is,” putting as much conviction as possible into my voice.

  “How can this be a good thing? People need focus and I want my employees to focus on their jobs, not their lives.”

  “That's a lovely sentiment, Frank. Thank you for that.”

  I really wanted to be partners with this man?

  “Seriously, though,” I continued. “People focus better on their jobs when they are happy in their lives outside of work. This is a good thing.”

  Frank's eyes narrowed. “This is a good thing?”

  “Yes, Frank.”

  “Well, it better be. It things don't work out with Gloria and Jeremy and her productivity suffers, I am holding you personally responsible.”

  “You're holding me personally responsible?”

  “Yes.”

  “Frank, I can barely hold together my own life. You can't hold me personally responsible for the well-being of two consenting adults.”

  “You said it was a good thing.” Frank pointed a menacing finger in my direction.

  “You did say that.” I turned to find Morgan nodding, with innocent, yet utterly insincere eyes baling down at me.

  When had I become outnumbered?

  “Fine.” I knew when I was sunk. “I am personally responsible. If something goes wrong between Gloria and Jeremy, you can dock my pay. Does that make you feel better?”

  “Much.” Frank said with a predatory smile, insanely happy that he now had someone to blame and the possibility of monetary compensation for punitive damages. “Now get out of my office. I have work to do.”

  Morgan and I walked through the reception area, neither of us quite sure what we'd witnessed, but I did know one thing. “You know, one good thing about working here is that on the emotional evolutionary ladder, I feel very secure I'll always have a few rungs up on Frank.”

  “One or two maybe.” Morgan said with a mock seriousness, lightened slightly by his light bump of our shoulders and wink to take away the sting of his words. “One or two.”

  June

  “IT IS NOT A STUPID LIST.” I argued on the phone with Livvie for what must have been the millionth time, and quite honestly the refrain was getting old, even to me. I wasn't sure what had set my friend on her most recent tear. I had merely mentioned that I was grocery shopping after work for the ingredients needed to start my new cabbage soup diet. I was in a bit of a slump since realizing my brilliant idea of ‘eat less, exercise more’ only worked if a person did, in fact, eat less and exercise more. Since I hadn't worked very hard at either activity, I was ready for a more drastic alternative.

  “It is a stupid list if it's going to lead you to existing on nothing more than hot water for three days.”

  “Hot water and cabbage.”

  Looking up from the chair in my office where this inane conversation was taking place, I was surprised to see Morgan lurking in my doorway. “Sorry, Liv. I've got to go do actual work.”

  Disconnecting the call, I waved Morgan all the way through the door and gestured toward my visitor chair. “Come on in. What do you need?”

  “Was that Livvie? What were you two talking about?”

  “Nothing. It's stupid.”

  Morgan smirked his reply. “That's funny. I thought I heard you adamantly defending the fact that something was not stupid. Did I hear something about a list?”

  I remained silent in an attempt to hold onto my dignity when Morgan's next words brought me up short. “I thought we were supposed to be friends.”

  Now that was a low blow.

&nb
sp; “Fine.” Most of my other friends knew about my list already. It shouldn't be that different to share the information with Morgan, should it? “A few years ago, I wrote up a list of things I'd like to accomplish by the time I turn thirty. A deadline which is rapidly approaching.”

  “What kind of things?”

  “Oh, you know. New Year's resolution kind of things. I want to lose weight, have a certain measure of success in my career and with my personal relationships. It's just a list of random goals.”

  “Personal relationships?” He parroted back at me. “Like maybe having a boyfriend?”

  Like driving a car that hits a patch of ice at a stop sign, I could see where this was going with absolutely no control over the outcome. “Well, yes. I suppose finding a boyfriend might be on my list.”

  Morgan stood up, the tone of his visit suddenly and undeniably less friendly than it had begun. “Is that the reason you went out with me? Because you needed to check an item off a list?”

  “No.” I rushed to assure him. “Well, not really. I guess kind of. But only in a roundabout way. Maybe.”

  “Well that's as clear as mud.” Morgan quirked an eyebrow, a minute, but important, shift from annoyed to intrigued.

  “I went out with you because I wanted to. I didn't know I wanted to until you asked me. You asked me because of the singles party and the party was thrown so that I could meet a new man that might turn into a relationship. So, I guess I did go out with you because of my list, but only in a roundabout way.”

  Morgan sat heavily back into the chair. “You are one of the most confusing women I've ever met. Just for the record, though, I didn't ask you out because of the singles party. It just presented me with an opportunity.”

  That was news. I had figured the scene with Ryan and forcing Morgan to pretend to be my date had planted the seed, and never considered Morgan might have wanted to date me out of his own free will. I was so busy mulling over that new piece of information that I had to ask my co-worker to repeat his next words.

  “I just asked if your questions in the car at the end of our date – about wanting to be my girlfriend – were because you have a deadline to be someone's girlfriend by the time you're thirty. Anyone's girlfriend.”

  Yikes. Stated in black and white terms, that sounded pretty pathetic. Perhaps because it was pathetic. I dropped my head to my desk, my words probably muffled by my arms which had come up to cover my head. “Can we please drop this conversation? I'm sick of being embarrassed every time I talk to you.”

  “I'm not trying to embarrass you. I'm just trying to figure some things out.”

  “Well, figure it out on your own time, okay?” I replied, getting a little cranky. After all, I had already apologized and paid my penance. “Besides, it wasn't entirely my fault. I took some very bad advice that night.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Nothing.” I sighed, diverting the conversation. “Let's just change the subject. Did you have fun at Jeremy's barbecue?”

  Lucky for me, the fish decided to take the bait, but with a long pause that showed me he was fully aware he was being reeled in. “Yes, I did. Thanks again for inviting me. It was cool to see Frank and Gloria in a social setting, and Jeremy is a terrific guy.”

  At his words, Morgan stood again and began wandering around my office. One wall was the huge bookcase which housed most of the firm's research library which he had seen many times before. Directly behind my desk was a window that looked out on the courthouse, and a small bulletin board to my left housed the only personal effects in what was otherwise a very professional space. Morgan zoomed immediately on the board looking at random snapshots of me, Livvie and the Thornton boys, a ticket stub from the last Red Sox game I'd attended and a small floral card.

  Pulling the card from behind the ribbon that held it secure, he asked, “Is this the card that went with the tulips you got right after our date?”

  I nodded, not sure where the interest in these flowers came from.

  “You know,” Morgan tapped the card to his chin, “you never did mention what your friend David was apologizing for.”

  “No, I didn't.”

  “You must be a bitch to come up against in court.” Morgan laughed at my simple response, his open admiration softening his words. Clearing his throat, he stood tall, clasped his hands behind his back and launched into full-on lawyer mode. “So, counselor, in the interest of full disclosure, and the fact that we are now supposedly friends, would you please describe for the court exactly what your friend David was apologizing for?”

  “Fine.” I sighed, worn down, and not sure anymore why I was protecting David in the first place. “It was David's idea that I tell you I wanted to be your girlfriend. It was his idea that I tell you I was looking for a relationship. He thought you'd appreciate my honesty and assertiveness.”

  “Honesty and assertiveness? Really? David suggested that you lay all that on a guy on the first date.”

  I nodded.

  “This friend of yours,” Morgan continued, “he's actually been on a date with a woman, himself, and isn't like mentally challenged or anything?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  Morgan nodded slowly and again tapped the card, this time against his lips. Turning to me he smiled, “I agree. I think your friend David is very, very smart indeed.”

  Walking toward the door, I expected Morgan to exit and was therefore very surprised when he instead shut my office door, flopped once again in the visitor chair and announced, “Cory Latham is dating my friend Larry.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “That night at the bar. Cory was there with my group because Larry brought her. He's starting his third year with me this fall and is interning with Branson, Higby & MacLean. They met at the courthouse a few months ago.” He leaned forward, hands on the edge of my desk and shrugged. “I just thought you might want to know.”

  I might want to know that Cory had her sights set for someone other than Morgan? Yes, I really did want to know that. I felt a momentary twinge of sympathy for poor dumb Larry, but that disappeared in moments.

  “So, are you almost done here?” Morgan asked, gesturing to the work still scattered across my desk.

  “Just about.”

  “Great. Let's get a bite to eat.”

  My mind froze, unable to fully comprehend the meaning behind the words just spoken. Did Morgan want to grab a bite to eat as friends and co-workers at the end of a long day or was there a larger purpose behind this request? If there was a larger purpose at work, what was it? And what did it have to do with all the questions about David and his random revelation about Cory? Above all, if Morgan truly was asking me out socially, how would I keep myself from once again screwing it up?

  I was torn from the cluttered thoughts in my head by a bark of laughter. “Stop, Sarah.”

  “Stop what?”

  “Stop doing whatever you're doing or thinking. Whatever you're thinking that is responsible for the pained look on your face.” Morgan plucked my coat from its perch on the hook behind my door and held it out to me. “Let's go get some dinner.”

  “I don't look pained.” I hotly denied, although I had a very strong feeling that I was probably lying. The truth was that I felt pained, and had every reason to believe that feeling was easily viewed by others.

  Plunging in before my brain could stop my mouth, I questioned, “Is this a date?”

  I hated to ask, hated to ruin the moment. Morgan was smiling and I had that warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach that usually followed consuming a warm apple cobbler, but I had to know.

  “Always with the questions.” Morgan remarked, shaking his head in a manner I could only describe as fondly. “Yes this is a date. I think our last outing was purposely sabotaged and I call a do-over. This whole ‘friends’ thing isn't working out for me. I think we should give dating another try. Tonight. Dinner. Possibly a movie. Definitely a good night kiss.”

  “A do-over?” Could someone actually cal
l a do-over on a first date? Weren't there rules against such a thing? I debated this while tabling the other words Morgan had spoken. I didn't have the brain power necessary to contemplate the possibility that David had actually sabotaged my date on purpose. If I went down that road, I would have to try to determine why he would do such a thing, and I wasn't ready to face the answer that I probably already knew.

  “But what about what happened last time?”

  “Yes, about that…Here's the deal, Sarah…” Morgan cupped the back of his neck and squinted, a pained expression of his own coming across his face. “I don't know if I want a relationship right now and I don't know if I'm ready for a girlfriend. If that's what you need – to fulfill some wish list, then you shouldn't go out with me. I'm a full time student with a part time job who can't work up the courage to tell his father what he really wants to do for a living. I'm not in any shape to bring another human being along for that ride right now. But, if you like me and you had as much fun as I did the last time we went out, then I think we should give it another shot.”

  “I wanted to ask you upstairs.” I blurted, apropos of nothing except that the belief that one heartfelt speech deserved another.

  “Huh?”

  “That night. After our date I wanted to ask you upstairs, but I was afraid of what you would think it meant. So, I started to get all worked up in my head, which you probably notice I tend to do, and ended up ruining the whole evening.”

  Morgan seemed to consider my words for a moment before he said, “Just so you know, when a girl I like invites me upstairs, I generally don't think anything beyond ‘yay’.”

  That was good information to file away for later. Perhaps even later tonight. I was almost ready to accept Morgan's offer until I looked down at my wool plaid suit and ribbed beige turtleneck. It was my least attractive outfit, pulled out only at the end of a week when I hadn't visited the drycleaner during the prior weekend.

  “I can't go out with you tonight. I'm not dressed for a date,” I whined.

  Morgan looked me over with a critical eye. “No. You're right. I couldn't possibly be seen with you in public.”

  As he turned to hang my coat back behind the door, I leapt up in outrage. “You're seriously going to take back your invitation and cancel our date because of what I'm wearing?”