The Opposite of Spoiled

by Ron Lieber

  Valerie Lapinski didn’t think twice when I wanted to rent her second bedroom as an office, and she proved to be one of the best roommates I’ve ever had. Amato Nocera tracked down Family Guy scripts and obscure academic articles, and always had faith that it was all going to add up to something. Elizabeth Lefever helped me build an incredible list of books for kids of all ages about money and social class; look for it on my website soon. And Steve Burwell, Heidie Joo, and Alan Wenker put their eyes to parts or all of the manuscript and asked me tough questions of all sorts.

  You will find my agent Christy Fletcher on Wikipedia under the “Has It All, Does It All, Wins the Day, Has Fun Doing it, Generalized Ass-kicker” entry. It’s a joy to watch her work and to see the wheels of her brain turn as she cuts through nonsense and makes amazing things happen. Sylvie Greenberg in Christy’s office handles speaking requests three times as well as I ever did and four times as well as most of the lecture agents with five times her experience.

  When Christy and I sat down to plot this project, Gail Winston was on top of our list of hoped-for editors. It felt like too much to wish for, getting to work with someone who still puts (lots of) red pen to paper over repeated drafts and knows exactly how to make a book like this help readers most. I’ve been blessed by her experience, patience, and keen ear for tone and tone-deafness. Maya Ziv answered every insane question and lapped me at various road races just to keep me in my place, and Emily Cunningham ably picked up where Maya left off. Thanks also to Stephanie Cooper and Leah Wasielewski for the ace marketing work, and Kathy Schneider for air cover. Leslie Cohen was kind enough to entertain all my nutty publicity ideas without laughing too hard. As you read this, Leslie, I intend to be living in a sleeping bag in your office, just so you know.

  My 40-year-old collection of dozens of loyal friends took a keen interest in this book, and I felt intensely lucky every time you told me your stories, asked about my latest discovery, and tolerated my rambling soliloquies over dinners and at drop-offs. A special thanks to my Chicago, Amherst, and Brooklyn people for your unending enthusiasm and support.

  The use of the terms we and us throughout this book is meant solely in the spirit of community building. Blame not my parents, siblings, or other relatives for any unconvincing pronouncements. Please do, however, credit my father, Fred, with seeding my first mutual fund investment and my mother, Charlene, for letting me tag along on the financial-aid negotiation journey. My siblings, Stephanie and David, and I are solvent and (mostly) sane, thanks to what we picked up from them along the way. My in-laws, Wendy and Harry Kantor, remain a model of unending generosity. And I could not do what I do without Donna Mitchell. Thanks to her, I never worry about my daughter for a single second when my wife and I are not around.

  And Jodi. Nothing makes me happier than all the things we get to do together. In the newsroom, my best friend is a staircase away. On rides home over this long stretch, you’ve taken my words and made them sound more like me without needing to ask what I’m trying to say. It seems miraculous when it happens, yet it happens all the time.

  Our most joyful joint effort, meanwhile, continues. Talia, as lonely as reporting and writing can sometimes be, I thought of you happily as your chalk drawings on the wall behind me and your painted banners on the wall in front of me urged me on. Your every question is thrilling; please don’t ever stop asking them. Thank you for being my pride and joy and test subject and inspiration. I am the luckiest.

  Notes

  The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was made. To locate a specific passage, please use the search feature on your e-book reader.

  1 | Why We Need to Talk About Money

  6This shift—moving the risk and the economic burden from employers to workers—has taken decades . . . but it’s now nearly complete. Hacker, The Great Risk Shift.

  7One comparison of the earnings. Data compiled by Bhashkar Mazumder, senior economist at the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago, and Jonathan Davis, a University of Chicago doctoral student, at the request of the author, 2013.

  8epidemic of silence. Several of the questions in this chapter are inspired by similar ones asked in Furnham, Economic Socialisation of Young People, 158–203.

  10the assembled writings. Fogarty, Overindulged Children: A Parent’s Guide, and Fogarty, Overindulged Children and the Adults They Become.

  11A 1998 academic journal article. David J. Bredehoft et al., “Perceptions Attributed by Adults to Parental Overindulgence During Childhood,” Journal of Family and Consumer Sciences Education, vol. 16, no. 2, Fall/Winter, 1998, 7.

  2 | How to Start the Money Conversations

  17describes in his memoir. “Cheerful Money,” Friend, Cheerful Money, 96.

  18described childhood innocence. Schor, Born to Buy, 15.

  20described the potential predicament this way. Fogarty, Overindulged Children: Parent’s Guide, 96.

  21our daughter had put it together. The Haggadah my daughter made was based on Francine Hermeline Levite’s My Haggadah: Made It Myself (New York: Made It Myself Books, 2012).

  21“place of intrigue.” Simon, Moral Questions in the Classroom, 16.

  24A number of polls and studies. Charles Schwab . . . released the survey on May 24, 2011, and it has not produced a similar one since. The data I cited is accessible here: http://bit.ly/1aLRYOo.

  31an authoritarian parent. This framing comes from Baumrind, “Authoritative Parenting for Character and Competence,” in Parenting for Character, 17.

  38But when I wrote about the “How much do you make?” question. New York Times, Motherlode blog, “What to Do When Your Child Asks About Your Income,” last modified October 13, 2013, http://bucks.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/07/20/kids-money-questions-why-is-that-person-asking-for-money/.

  3 | The Allowance Debates

  47a 2011 one out of New Zealand. Terrie E. Moffitt et al., “A gradient of childhood self-control predicts health, wealth, and public safety,” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, vol. 108, no. 7, 2011, 2–3, doi:1073/pnas.1010076108.

  54as David Owen put it. Owen, Bank of Dad.

  66The American Institute of Certified Public Accountants ran a survey. The survey was released on August 22, 2012, http://www.aicpa.org/press/pressreleases/2012/pages/aicpa-survey-reveals-what-parents-pay-kids-for-allowance-grades.aspx.

  66T. Rowe Price ran its own survey. The survey was released on July 3, 2012. The allowance data is on slide 25, http://media.moneyconfidentkids.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/PKM-Survey-Results-Additional-Slides-FINAL-07-03-12.pdf.

  67Blanche Dismorr used data she drew. Blanche Dismorr, “Ought Children to Be Paid for Domestic Services?” in Studies in Education, 1896–1902, vol. 2, Earl Barnes, ed., Publisher unknown, 1902, http://bit.ly/1f5LuBd.

  69he wrote in an online essay. Jake Johnson, “Raising Entrepreneurs: Fostering the entrepreneurial spirit in your kids,” Medium, 2013, http://bit.ly/1lovUB1.

  4 | The Smartest Ways for Kids to Spend

  73What’s been lost over the years. The connection between thrift and thriving originates in Yates and Hunter, Thrift and Thriving.

  76Which one does the most good and the least harm? Weil, Power and Promise, 16.

  77“Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.” Benoit Denizet-Lewis, “The Man Behind Abercrombie & Fitch,” Salon, January 24, 2006, http://www.salon.com/2006/01/24/jeffries/.

  5 | Are We Raising Materialistic Kids?

  92“once reserved for royalty.” Damon, Greater Expectations, 14.

  92never had a hot shower. Kasser, High Price of Materialism, 58.

  93“economy of dignity.” Pugh, Longing and Belonging, 6.

  93“a sort of unwelcome invisibility.” Ibid., 18.

  93“matching.” Ibid., 51.

  93“patrolling.” Ibid., 69.

  94“dignity gauntlet.” Ibid., 96.

  94“full provisioning.” Ibid., 98.

  94And the fallout is u
npleasant in countries all over the world. Tim Kasser has catalogued the ill effects, which include higher levels of depression and anxiety; headaches, backaches, sore muscles, and sore throats; more drinking, pot smoking, and use of hard drugs; social isolation; separation from one’s parents; attention deficit disorder; paranoia; aggressiveness in dating relationships; Machiavellianism; and the desire to hang out with like-minded materialists. These correlated traits turn up in young people and old people; wealthy people and poor people; and among Romanians, South Koreans, and Danes, among many others. Kasser, High Price of Materialism, 5–22.

  95One of the most eye-opening studies. Marvin E. Goldberg and Gerald J. Gorn, “Some Unintended Consequences of TV Advertising to Children,” Journal of Consumer Research, vol. 5, no. 1, June 1978, 22–29.

  103declared the rising handout a bubble. Dan Kadlec, “Baby-Tooth Bubble: Has the Tooth Fairy Lost Her Mind? Time, August 30, 2013, http://business.time.com/2013/08/30/baby-tooth-bubble-has-the-tooth-fairy-lost-her-mind.

  103wrote about his disgust. Bruce Feiler, “Curtain Up on Act II for the Tooth Fairy,” New York Times, December 9, 2011, ST2, http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/11/fashion/act-ii-for-the-tooth-fairy-this-life.html.

  112decided to find out. Tim Kasser, Katherine L. Rosenblum, Arnold J. Samaroff, Edward L. Deci, et al., “Changes in materialism, changes in psychological well-being: Evidence from three longitudinal studies and an intervention experiment,” Motivation and Emotion, vol. 38, no. 1, February 2014, 1–22, doi 10.1007/s11031-013-9371-4.

  6 | How to Talk About Giving

  119ran a poll. Themint.org Poll: Kids Are Clueless About Parents’ Charitable Giving, last modified December 22, 2010, http://www.northwesternmutual.com/news-room/122629.

  120research on happiness shows. Dunn and Norton, Happy Money, 109–10.

  121One delightful study that makes this point is. Lara B. Aknin, J. Kiley Hamlin, Elizabeth W. Dunn, “Giving Leads to Happiness in Young Children,” June 14, 2012, PloS ONE 7(6): e39211, doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0039211.

  124according to Susan Engel. Susan Engel, “Open Pandora’s Box: Curiosity and Imagination in the Classroom (The Thomas H. Wright Lecture, Child Development Institute, Sarah Lawrence College, Summer 2006), http://issuu.com/gfbertini/docs/open_pandora_s_box_-_curiosity_and_imagination_in_/1.

  126a blog post I wrote. Children’s Money Questions: Why Is That Person Asking for Money?, last modified October 13, 2013, http://bucks.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/07/20/kids-money-questions-why-is-that-person-asking-for-money/.

  126put it in their book. Gallo and Gallo, Silver Spoon Kids, 155.

  130somebody else is watching. Kristin L. Leimgruber et al., “Young Children Are More Generous When Others Are Aware of Their Actions,” October 31, 2012, PLoS ONE 7(10): e48292, doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0048292.

  131About one-third of all charitable donations. Giving USA Study, 2014, http://www.philanthropy.iupui.edu/news/article/giving-usa-2014.

  136a large Mercedes. Salwen and Salwen, The Power of Half, 24–25.

  136“Soulless.” Ibid., 36.

  136she asked her daughter. Ibid., 32.

  7 | Why Kids Should Work

  151as Princeton sociologist Viviana A. Zelizer wrote. Zelizer, Priceless Child, 4–5.

  154is the answer to this question. Angela L. Duckworth et al., “Grit: Perseverance and Passion for Long-Term Goals,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 92, no. 6 (2007), 1087–1101, http://www.sas.upenn.edu/~duckwort/images/Grit%20JPSP.pdf.

  154a short essay that appeared in 2013. Angela L. Duckworth and Lauren Eskreis-Winkler, “True Grit,” The Association for Psychological Science Observer, vol. 26, no. 4, April 2013, 1, http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/publications/observer/2013/april-13/true-grit.html.

  155a drive for competence. Damon, Greater Expectations, 128–30.

  155default to the assumption. Ibid., 36.

  156who filled me in on the backstory. These quotes are taken from a post I wrote for the Dinner: A Love Story blog on November 8, 2013, http://www.dinneralovestory.com/how-young-is-too-young/.

  156“honorable Mealtime.” The quotes that follow are from Reid, Confucius Lives Next Door, 147–49.

  157In national surveys. Damon, Greater Expectations, 37.

  8 | The Luckiest

  173she showed 3-year-olds a series. Patricia G. Ramsey, “Young Children’s Awareness and Understanding of Social Class Differences,” Journal of Genetic Psychology, vol. 152, no. 1, 1990, 71–82, doi: 10.1080/00221325.1991.9914679.

  175found strong correlations. Jeffrey J. Froh et al., “Gratitude and the Reduced Costs of Materialism in Adolescents,” Journal of Happiness Studies, vol. 12, no. 2, 2010, 289–302, doi 10.1007/s10902-010-9195-9, people.hofstra.edu/jeffrey_j_froh/spring%202010%20web/10.1007_s10902-010-9195-9[1].pdf.

  175a series of experimental “gratitude interventions.” The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley, has a list of links to various gratitude studies about adults and children, http://bit.ly/1huxqPw.

  175Homer wrote. As cited in Henry Lancelot Dixon, “Saying Grace” Historically Considered: And Numerous Forms of Grace Taken from Ancient and Modern Sources; with Appendices (Oxford: James Parker and Co., 1903), 3.

  175Deuteronomy 8:10 commands. As referenced by the online Bible Gateway, http://bit.ly/1as4brq.

  175An Egyptian inscription. A. M. Blackman, “The King of Egypt’s Grace Before Meat,” Journal of Egyptian Archaeology, vol. 31, 1945, 57–73.

  175Just 44 percent. Robert D. Putnam and David E. Campbell, American Grace: How Religion Unites and Divides Us (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2010), 10.

  177“not-so-public” schools. Pugh, Longing and Belonging, 179.

  181At Manhattan Country School. Some of the descriptions of the school’s home visits program come from a column I wrote about it. Ron Lieber, “For Lessons About Class, a Field Trip Takes Students Home,” New York Times, May 31, 2014, B1, http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/31/your-money/for-lessons-about-social-class-a-field-trip-takes-students-right-back-home.html?_r=0.

  185a post I’d written. Ron Lieber, “A Daughter, Her Dad, and the Debate Over Pricey Teen Volunteer Trips,” last modified March 6, 2014, http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/03/06/a-daughter-her-dad-and-the-debate-over-pricey-teen-volunteer-trips/.

  185a post that she had written to explain. “The Problem with Little White Girls and Boys,” last modified February 18, 2014, http://pippabiddle.com/2014/02/18/the-problem-with-little-white-girls-and-boys/.

  187“symbolic deprivation.” Pugh, Longing and Belonging, 9.

  9 | How Much Is Enough?

  201Joshua Gans has noted. Gans, Parentonomics, 145.

  Bibliography

  These are the books that had the biggest impact on me as I was preparing to write. You’ll find essential wisdom in every one of them.

  Aries, Elizabeth, with Richard Berman. Speaking of Race and Class: The Student Experience at an Elite College. Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 2013.

  Baumeister, Roy F., and John Tierney. Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength. New York: The Penguin Press, 2011.

  Baumrind, Diana, et al. Parenting for Character: Five Experts, Five Practices. Portland, Oregon: The Council for Spiritual and Ethical Education, 2008.

  Bissonnette, Zac. How to Be Richer, Smarter, and Better-Looking Than Your Parents. New York: Portfolio, 2012.

  Bronson, Po, and Ashley Merryman. Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children. New York: Twelve, 2009.

  Brosnan, Michael, editor. The Inclusive School: A Selection of Writing on Diversity Issues in Independent Schools. Washington, D.C.: The National Association of Independent Schools, 2012.

  Calhoun, Ada. Instinctive Parenting: Trusting Ourselves to Raise Good Kids. New York: Gallery Books, 2010.

  Coles, Robert. The Moral Life of Children. New York: Atlantic Monthly Press, 1986.

  Damon, William. Greater Expectations: Overcoming the Culture of Indulgence in
Our Homes and Schools. New York: Free Press, 1995.

  ———. The Moral Child: Nurturing Children’s Natural Moral Growth. New York: Free Press, 1988.

  Dungan, Nathan. Money Sanity Solutions: Linking Money + Meaning. Minneapolis: Share Save Spend, 2010.

  Dunn, Elizabeth, and Michael Norton. Happy Money: The Science of Smarter Spending. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2013.

  Durband, Dorothy B., and Sonya L. Britt, editors. Student Financial Literacy: Campus-Based Program Development. New York: Springer, 2012.

  Dweck, Carol. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Ballantine, 2006.

  Eisner, Michael. Camp. New York: Warner Books, 2005.

  Eyre, Linda, and Richard Eyre. Teaching Your Children Values. New York: Fireside, 1993.

  Feiler, Bruce. The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More. New York: William Morrow, 2013.

  Fogarty, James A. Overindulged Children: A Parent’s Guide to Mentoring. Egg Harbor, New Jersey: Liberty Publishing Group, 2003.

  ———. Overindulged Children and the Adults They Become: Narcissistic, Antisocial and Dependent Behaviors. Brentwood, Tennessee: Cross Country Education, 2009.

  Friend, Tad. Cheerful Money: Me, My Family, and the Last Days of Wasp Splendor. New York: Little Brown, 2009.

  Froymovich, Riva. End of the Good Life: How the Financial Crisis Threatens a Lost Generation and What We Can Do About It. New York: Harper Perennial, 2013.

  Furnham, Adrian. The Economic Socialisation of Young People. London: The Social Affairs Unit, 2008.

  Fussell, Paul. Class: A Guide Through the American Status System. New York: Touchstone, 1992.

  Galinsky, Ellen. Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs. New York: William Morrow, 2010.

  Gallo, Eileen, and John Gallo. The Financially Intelligent Parent: Eight Steps to Raising Successful, Generous, Responsible Children. New York: New American Library, 2005.