Control

by Laura Marie Altom

  “No, you don’t.” Not only didn’t I believe her, but I couldn’t believe her. To accept her words as truth would be inconceivable, so instead, I took a few steps toward her, keeping my hands in my jeans pockets, trying to be as nonthreatening as possible, while at the same time, cutting off any plans she might have for escape. “Deny it all you want, Ell, but we share something special.”

  “No.”

  I stepped closer, closer. “You didn’t feel the electricity from the night we first kissed?”

  “That kiss was a mistake—just like everything else we’ve shared.”

  “Like this?” Fuck it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and I wasn’t letting her off this easy. I hadn’t gotten where I had in life by being delusional, and better than I knew my own name, I knew that Ella wanted me. Believing that ring on her left hand meant nothing, I settled my hands low on her hips, brushing just my thumbs under her T-shirt’s hem.

  “Stop…” Her breathing turned hitched.

  “Or this?” I skimmed my palms under her shirt, following her waist’s slight indent. Her skin felt as soft and smooth as a sun-warmed plum.

  “Please, Liam…”

  “Please, what?” I now stood close enough that her ragged exhalations landed breathy and warm against my collarbone. I returned the favor by kissing that sexy-as-hell indentation at the base of her throat.

  She arched her head back and groaned. “We’re not doing this here. I hate you.”

  “That’s okay.” I kissed her throat and the underside of her chin.

  “No—it’s not okay.” And just like that, she wrenched herself free, shooting away from me to sit in a wheelchair on the opposite side of the room. “You think people are chess pieces for you to play, but they’re not—I’m not. Your actions have consequences, a-and right now, Willow’s paying the price.”

  That pissed me off. “Did I hold a bottle of tequila to her lips? Did I force whatever pills she took into her mouth?”

  Ella hung her head. “You know what I mean. Neither of us should even be here.”

  Yeah, I knew what she meant, but now that I’d had another taste of her, I wasn’t going there. To have not brought her out west with me was unthinkable.

  “What do you even want from me?”

  Nothing. Everything. I wish I knew. “Does it matter?”

  “Yes, because you treat me like I’m a toy you can just leave crumpled on the floor when you’re done playing. For women like Carol, that might’ve been okay. She’s strong enough to deal with your spoiled-rich-boy BS, but I’m not. I’ll bet never once since flying me and Willow out here did you ever think about what we were feeling.”

  I laughed. “Are you kidding me? That’s all I’ve done. Why else do you think I’ve treated you with kid gloves and paid a small fortune just to set you up in a fancy box? I know you’re fucked up inside, Ella, but aren’t we all? You know I wasn’t born with this money. What you don’t know is that while I was never physically abused, my old man had a cruel enough mouth that he might as well have been smashing out his Marlboro butts on my forehead. You don’t have a clue what I’ve been through—what I’ve seen. My own mother—” No. I wasn’t going back there. Never again would I envision that scene. Not even for this woman with bewitching eyes of berry blue.

  “Thanks for making my point.” Her return laugh was caustic. “Yes—you paid me to be here, but why? If only you’d asked like a normal person, I’d be here for free. Since the night you sheltered me from that ice storm, I haven’t been the same. You make me want more. And I’m not talking about anything you could buy me, but in here.” She patted her heart.

  I knew what she meant, because she’d made me crave the same. Only that wanting made no sense. It had no point of reference or beginning or end. It was as if the time I’d met her in Wal-Mart had been hundreds of years ago. I couldn’t remember life before her and I refused to contemplate a life after.

  “Liam…” She looked up at me with that dear face I’d seen in my head a hundred times. Her sooty lashes and high cheekbones and streamlined nose and full lips that looked perpetually just-kissed swollen.

  “You asked what I wanted from you, but let’s flip that around. What do you want from me?”

  She raised her always defiant chin. “The one thing you’re apparently incapable of giving—yourself.”

  Before I’d fully processed her statement, she was up and out of her chair. And heading for the door, and opening it, and then yet again walking away. Her words rendered me speechless. Incapable of even moving. She knew damned well I could literally give her anything in the world. Any exotic travel or yacht or jewel. All she had to do was ask, and I’d make her wildest fantasies come true. What the hell did she even mean by asking me to give myself? Taking a stab by assuming she wanted some indefinable, unquantifiable touchy-feely crap, I found it hard to believe she didn’t already know that when it came to relinquishing control, I had nothing more to give.

  36

  Julie

  When I knew Liam wasn’t following, I ran the rest of the way to Willow’s room. I kissed her good night, promised to be back as soon as I could, then left. It took me twenty minutes to find my way outside, another twenty to find a cab. I’d have to dip into what little savings I had left from the stash I used to store in my frozen peas just to cover the ride back to my apartment. If I’d asked, Liam would have given me a limo, the driver and more gas money than I could burn in ten years, but like I’d told him, I didn’t want his money.

  Being near him again, with him touching me, kissing me, I’d felt out of my mind. He’d transformed my heart into a caged hummingbird, frantically beating against metal bars. There was so much I’d wanted to ask about not just what had gone down with Willow, but why, when things between us had felt so amazingly, incredibly right, had he just vanished? Yet how could I have asked all of that when just being in the same room with him left me searching for air?

  It took everything in my wallet to pay my fare. The next time I saw Willow, I’d have to figure out a bus route. I should have done it this time, but I’d been out of my mind with worry.

  Yeah? And what else?

  Trudging up the stairs, casting a mean glare toward the neighbors who cooked nothing but curry, I refused to admit that part of the reason I’d gone to my friend was in the hope of seeing Liam. What kind of horrible person would that make me?

  He was the devil.

  Holding me, touching me, tormenting me. Kissing part of me, but not all of me…

  My cheeks blazed with heat and other parts ached with longing that could never—must never—be fulfilled.

  Nathan and I lived on the third floor of a four-story walk-up. Before fitting my key into our lock, I sat on the steps. Before seeing him, I needed to collect my thoughts. I’d been a fool to run off like I had, leaving poor Yvonne in the lurch. What was wrong with me? Had I been smart about this whole thing, I’d have waited until after work to see Willow. Nathan and I could have grabbed a bus, seeing our mutual friend together. Most importantly, we could have avoided Liam together.

  But the scary part of all of that was the undeniable certainty that far from wanting to avoid Liam, I’d craved him since the last time we’d held hands outside the boardroom that had jellyfish living in the doors. No—what I felt for him had simmered far longer than that. If I were dead honest with myself, I’d dreamt of Liam my whole life. He’d resided in the fairy tales I’d role-played with costumes and dolls and lost myself in when watching on big screens. I’d always wanted a prince. I thought I’d found him in Blaine, but look where that had led. And then, for those few intense days, I’d hoped that this time I’d gotten things right when finding Liam. But all our brief time together had really taught me was that there’s no such thing as princes or fairy tales. And that I was a fool for ever having thought there was.

  My cheap Timex read ten thirty. I should have been home hours ago.

  Nathan was no doubt worried. He deserved better than to waste time wo
ndering—or even caring—about me.

  I opened the door, expecting to find lights blazing and him pacing. What I found instead was him sitting uncomfortably straight on the sofa, using the remote to switch channels between a football game and hockey.

  “Hey.” I closed and locked the door behind me.

  He didn’t even look my way.

  “Sorry I’m late. I—”

  “Just don’t. I know where you’ve been.”

  A copy of the newspaper bearing the Boy Billionaire Busted headline stared at me from the coffee table. I hadn’t even thought to ask Liam about his time behind bars.

  “How’s Willow?”

  “In a coma.” I hung my coat on the wall rack mounted alongside the door. “How do you think?” I hadn’t meant to be bitchy, but his condescending tone set me off.

  “How was he?” The TV’s glow was the room’s only light, and it cast the stern set of Nathan’s mouth into a cruel cartoon of the good man I knew him to be.

  “Nathan…” I sat beside him, but he scooted farther away.

  I tried talking, but he turned up the TV.

  He had every right to be upset. But in the same regard, he didn’t. I’d never made him any promise. Sure, I’d accepted his ring for Christmas, but we both knew what that had meant. I wore his ring as a sign of friendship and loyalty. He’d been there for me when no one else had, and I’d never forget that. But then in seeing Liam, talking to Liam, arching my neck and moaning with the slightest brush of his lips, hadn’t I already betrayed him?

  That night, for the first time since sharing the apartment, Nathan slept on the couch instead of in our bed. When I realized he wasn’t joining me, I turned on the bedside lamp. My head might be fully aware of the fact that Blaine was out of my life, but my darkest fears weren’t.

  In the morning, by the time I woke from my fitful night’s rest, Nathan was already gone.

  I showered and dressed for work, dreading the conversation to come with Yvonne. Would she fire me for abandoning her at the clinic? I wouldn’t blame her if she did, but I sure hoped she didn’t. I needed something to keep my mind off Liam, and what I’d say when we inevitably met again.

  Outside, I was greeted by an uncharacteristically sunny day. The air held a chill, but it wasn’t anything my thrift-shop peacoat couldn’t handle. I looped my crocheted scarf over my head and ears, tucking the ends into my coat’s raised collar. I shoved my mittened hands in my pockets, checking to make sure I had my wallet and apartment key.

  I’d walked the three blocks to Yvonne’s shop when two black sedans pulled up to the curb. The shock of their sudden appearance on the quiet street made me press my back to the shop windows.

  Had Blaine found me?

  When Liam exited the lead car, I put my hands over my mouth, willing my pulse to slow. Even thousands of miles from my worst nightmare, Blaine still clung to me like black tar in my lungs. Would I ever be free?

  Liam approached. “You okay?”

  My breathing should have returned to normal, but it only turned more erratic. He did things to my body I didn’t understand. “Wh-why are you here?”

  “You need a car. I brought you one. If you’d rather have something sportier, I can—”

  “Stop.” I held up my hands. “Why in the world would you bring me a car? And what are you even doing here? How did you find me?”

  He looked down. “It wasn’t that hard. I won’t apologize for needing to know you’re safe.”

  “You’ve been stalking me?” My voice rose to a shrill note. “You’re no better than Blaine.” The sunny day didn’t match the rain in my heart. I thought Liam was so different from him. Better in every way. He’d already proven me wrong by abandoning me, but this…For this, I had no words.

  “I bring you a car so you can visit Willow, and you compare me to your abusive ex? Christ…” His slumped shoulders, the way he hung his head, told me I might have missed my mark.

  What did it mean that he’d stalked me, yet at the same time given me my space? “If Willow hadn’t overdosed, would I have ever seen you again?”

  He tucked his hands in his pockets before looking to the sky. “Honestly? I don’t know. Probably not.”

  “O-okay…” His candid answer struck like one of Blaine’s punches.

  Why? I’d told myself Liam didn’t matter. I was over him. I’d never even truly been into him. But we both knew all of that was a lie. If I hadn’t been into him, I wouldn’t be standing beside him right now. I never would have gotten on that plane, no matter how far he could fly me or how much money he’d offered. Deep inside, where my darkest fears and unattainable hopes resided, the truth was that none of Liam’s enticements had mattered. All that truly mattered was the way he’d made that Frisbee in my belly soar. The sensation had been a beacon, leading me to a safe harbor. A psychedelic drug, and I needed another fix.

  “If we’re going there,” he met my gaze in such a direct manner that I felt squirmy inside, “I meant what I said to you that night back in your Rose Springs apartment. When I told you I wanted you to beg for my cock.”

  His brash language took me aback. It had been a while since I’d seen that side of him.

  “Don’t bother looking shocked. You and I both remember how hot we can be. But then I found out what that bastard put you through, and I wanted to be so much better than him that I lost myself. What I can’t lose is you…”

  I couldn’t fathom what it had cost for him to make the admission. Tears shone in his eyes and I went to him, wrapping my arms around his waist, resting my cheek against his chest. I didn’t know what the next five minutes held, let alone the next hour or day or week. All I did know was that I’d grown weary of pretending he didn’t play a vital role in my life. From that first day in Wal-Mart when he’d gifted me with his smile, he’d changed everything. While I wasn’t anywhere near whole, I was at least alive. Able to feel the sun warming my hair and hear Liam’s heartbeat strong and steady in my ear. In this moment, in the realization that his virtues would always outweigh his sins, I admitted my own extreme degree of exhaustion, and how very weary I’d grown of running, always running.

  He held me as if I were more precious than a statue of pure gold. He kissed my forehead, stroking my hair back, making me feel safe and protected and adored. I knew all of that was an illusion, that he admittedly didn’t make commitments any more than I was ready for one, but that was okay. For today, maybe tomorrow, I needed his confidence and uncanny ability to make everything okay.

  “Come to the beach house with me,” he said.

  Yes. “I-I want to, but what about Willow? And my work?”

  “Ell…” He groaned. “I’m paying for Willow to have around-the-clock care by the best doctors and nurses in the state—hell, maybe the country. If she so much as even thinks of opening her eyes, they’ll tell me. As for your job—quit.”

  “You make everything sound so easy.” Which only a moment earlier was what I’d claimed to have wanted, right?

  “It is. All you have to do is climb into my car. I’ll take care of everything.” And I knew he would—or, at least try. But there were some things he couldn’t fix. I owed Yvonne an explanation and apology for running out on her. Then there was Nathan. With him, how did I begin to compile the emotional debt I owed? He’d done so much, but then Liam had been the true catalyst for it all. Without him, I’d still be trapped in a crappy job in a forgotten town. I used to think that was exactly what I’d wanted, but now, having had my eyes opened to the limitless possibilities my big, new world offered, I couldn’t go back, only forward. But I refused to leave either Nathan or Willow behind. Ella 2.0 would never again allow herself to be in a position that made her feel controlled. If Liam and I had a shot at making this work, I had to make that clear.

  I was almost afraid to ask. “What if I don’t want you to take care of everything?”

  He drew back. His pinched expression told me he’d read me all wrong. “Fuck this. Fuck you. I’m done.” />
  “No, you’re not. We’re not.” I fisted his suit lapels, dragging him back. “Stop being a hurt little boy, Liam, and listen to logic. I want to try again with you, but let’s get one thing straight—you can’t own me. You can’t have me tailed or bugged or whatever it is you’ve been doing. You have to trust not only me, but yourself, enough to realize that it won’t be your money keeping me with you, but just plain old you. Does that make sense?”

  He cupped my cheek, stroking my lips with his thumb. “You make me crazy.”

  “What do you think you do to me?” Earlier that morning, I never could have predicted the turn this day would make.

  “Will you at least take the car?”

  My stubborn streak wanted to deny him, but what would that prove? I needed a practical way to visit Willow, and realistically, considering my work schedule, taking the bus would eat massive chunks of my days. “Yes,” I said. “Thank you.”

  I glanced in that direction to note that it wasn’t black, but a silvery gray. And it wasn’t merely a generic sedan, but a freaking Bentley.

  “Good.” He forced a breath, looking to the shop, then back to me. “You really want to work here?”

  I nodded. “And you really support my decision, right?”

  He groaned. “You’re killing me.”

  For some perverse reason, his confession made me smile.

  “Think that’s funny?”

  “A little.” I didn’t even try hiding my grin. Was this happening? Was the great Liam Stone conceding a point to me? I was afraid to hope this could be a new beginning for us—if there had ever even been an us. Yesterday, I couldn’t have imagined this happening. Today, it was as if the sun had cast a golden spell over the land. Those fairy tales I didn’t believe in? When Liam graced me with his slow, crooked grin, for the first time since the last time I’d seen him, I exhaled, and allowed myself to tiptoe into a fantastical realm where he might always be there.

  His grin faded, and then he was drawing me back into his arms, kissing the crown of my head. “I’ve been so afraid of losing you that I held on too hard. I’m sorry. Let’s start over—no contracts, no money, just you and me. Simple. The way it was when we first met.”