"Actually, Michele," I said, pushing myself off my locker and turning to face her, "you'd be surprised to know that not everyone is as promiscuous as your boyfriend. Not everyone hops into bed with someone the moment they see him. Some people like to wait. I haven't slept with anybody and you know that. As my best friend, you should. No, I did not sleep with Colin. I have not thought about sleeping with Colin, nor do I have plans to sleep with Colin any time soon." I glared at her, turning on my heels and walking away. I risked a glance back at her, shaking my head and rolling my eyes. "And if you really want to know, Michele, I haven't even kissed Colin yet."
I stormed away, fuming.
I couldn't believe that that conversation had even just happened. I couldn't believe that my sex life was up for discussion when she was dating the most notorious man-whore in the history of Valley High. My rage was almost too much to contain. I wanted to punch something—in fact, I wanted to punch her, but I knew if I did, that would open up a whole can of something I didn't want to think about. To be frank, a whole can of Whoop-Ass would be opened up on Tiny Tot Taggaro and that was not what I wanted after 14 years of friendship.
I shook my head, trying to shake the anger out of my head. I needed to calm down. The last thing I needed was to let my emotions get the best of me and blow the situation up into something that it didn't need to be.
I rounded a corner, ready to hit the second floor for my AP English class with Colin, and the minute I did, I bumped into someone, knocking my books and his onto the floor as I did so.
I scrambled to pick up my things, handing him his, looking up to apologize. When I did, I looked up into the ever-hypnotizing eyes of Kyle York.
Five.
For a second, I was dumbfounded. Before me stood the demon that haunted me, in the flesh, much too real to be a dream. His eyes pierced into me, the same eyes that had captured my heart and then gone on to torture my soul. His grin was free, happy, and so different from the expression of triumph I'd seen last time I saw him. He looked almost--serene. Oh, but I of all people knew what lay behind that smile. What lurked there was wicked, gruesome, and much too painful to even express.
I knew that I should run, that I should remove myself from his presence as quickly as was possible, but I remained frozen, unmoving, unable to bring myself to look away from my own personal version of Hell.
I examined him closely, this man before me. He didn't look terrifying, or evil. He looked like the Kyle I thought I was in love with. He looked like the Kyle I thought loved me back. He looked like the Kyle who I thought would protect me without a second thought.
Oh, but I knew who he really was. I knew a different Kyle, one that lurked in the shadows, watching, waiting, like a predator waiting to pounce at his prey.
"Nickayla," he said, making me jump.
That voice. That voice brought me back to where I was. It was snippy, arrogant, impatient, the same voice that had peeled my clothes off of me without a second thought and tossed them to the side as though he owned them, and then leered down at my body with a look of satisfaction and saying my name as though he owned me.
I knew at that moment that I had to get out of there. I dropped my books, running away from him the fastest my legs would take me. I didn't bother looking back, didn't bother trying to get my things. The only thing that I was worried about was getting away from Kyle York.
"Nickayla, what the FUCK is your problem?" he yelled as he chased after me.
I weaved through the swarms of students, the only thing standing in the way, blocking any advances I might be able to make. I tried to be as polite as possible, muttering "excuse me" each time I might have bumped into someone. I may have been frantic, but manners weren't lost on me.
I rounded another corner, finding the girls' bathroom. Jackpot! I ran inside, finding an empty stall and closing myself in it. I leaned against the door, confident and secure in the fact that Kyle would never set foot in the girls' restroom.
"Nickayla!" his voice roared as he banged on the bathroom door. "You know I can't fucking go in there! Get out here, NOW!"
I jumped, shaken by how angry his voice sounded.
"NICKAYLA!" he yelled, pounding on the door some more.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed, finally allowing the tears to fall.
I didn't know how long I would be there, but I knew that I damn sure wasn't going to leave until Kyle was gone. I closed my eyes, shaking my head and trying to think my way out of there.
I'm not here. I can't be here. I can't be here. I can't be here.
My heart was beating faster than it ever had in my life. It was just my luck. Of course I'd have a fight with Michele and run into Kyle on the first day back to school. Something told me that the day wasn't going to end well when I woke up in the morning, but I tried to push all those thoughts from my head. So much for a "New Year, New Me". All that I could hope for was that Kyle would get the hint and leave sooner rather than later. I really didn't want to face him--not yet.
I heard a small scuffle outside the door, and I opened my eyes, afraid of what would happen.
"What the Hell is going on here?" a voice said.
Colin. Colin!
Words couldn't possibly describe how relieved I felt to hear that voice on the other side of the door. I knew that I didn't need saving, but there was something about Colin...there was something about him that made me let down all my defenses. I wasn't in distress, but I was most definitely lost, and slowly but surely, Colin Westwick had begun to help me find myself again.
"Who the fuck are you?" Kyle replied, clearly irritated.
I wrung my hands, unsure of what to do. Would they fight? Would they argue? What was going to happen out there if I wasn't there to stop it?
"I'm Nickayla's boyfriend," Colin said. "So move out of my way or I'll make you wish you had."
My heart fluttered, swelling up with pride as I heard how he defended my honor. I closed my eyes again, thankful for Colin. My body and my heart reacted to him in a way that I didn't think was possible.
I heard the door swing open, and my entire body went rigid. My heartbeat quickened, overtaken by fear.
"Nickayla, it's Colin."
Those three words were all it took to make my knees go weak. I opened the door to the stall, collapsing into Colin's arms. He cradled me against his firm chest, ushering me towards the door. Tremors overtook me, the same fear from before overshadowing the comfort that I felt being in Colin's arms. I didn't know what lurked behind that door, and I definitely didn't want to. I was perfectly fine where I was, shut inside my own small piece of Heaven where I knew the only person there with me would never hurt me.
"No," I cried. "I can't go out there. Please, don't make me go out there."
He turned so he stood in front of me, placing his hands on either side of my face and staring intently into my eyes, damn near hypnotizing me.
"Nickayla, breathe," he said. "Come on, breathe for me."
I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. I took another deep breath, then opened my eyes and looked at Colin. His mouth stretched into a thin line, and he was visibly angry.
He turned my face toward his chest, shielding me as though the people outside were paparazzi. He kissed the top of my head, rubbing my back in small circles.
"I'm going to get you out of here," he said, matter-of-factly. "We're going to go to the office, and you're going to get someone's permission to go home early and so am I. Whatever happens next, I'm right beside you, I promise."
I nodded, still unsure of whether or not I was ready to face everyone outside. When Colin opened the door, I could hear a large crowd whispering among themselves, but he held me so that I was unable to see them. I wrapped my arms around Colin, unwilling to let go of him--he was what was keeping me grounded.
"Nickayla!" Kyle yelled. "What the fuck is going on? Talk to me, God dammit!"
Colin ushered me to a line of lockers, leaning up against them and staring into my ey
es. "Stay here," he said. "I'll be right back."
I nodded, hyperventilating. I hadn't been this close to Kyle since that night, and I really didn't like the way it felt.
I placed my hands on my knees, bracing myself as I struggled to steady my breathing. I looked up, watching Colin walk right up to Kyle. To me, Kyle had always seemed gargantuan, but Colin easily towered over him, their faces mere inches apart. I watched horrorstruck as Kyle shoved Colin, staring him down.
"Who the fuck are you?" he asked, repeating his question from earlier.
Colin shoved him back, and suddenly I was frightened of the outcome of the intense confrontation.
"I told you before, I'm Nickayla's boyfriend, and I'm your worst nightmare," Colin said, his voice dropping to a low growl. "You're going to stay away from her, and if you EVER speak to her like that again, I promise you, they'll be the last words to come out of your mouth. You got that?"
Kyle looked as though he was about to say something smart in retort, but Brody was between the guys within seconds, catching my eye as he pushed Kyle away from Colin. Brody and his football player's build held Kyle back with ease, and I was more than thankful for his interference.
"Colin, get Nic out of here," he said through gritted teeth.
Colin nodded, then strolled casually over to me with his fists clenched, wrapping an arm around my waist as he led me to the attendance office.
We sat on the porch in front of my house, Colin sitting next to me, his anger from the events of the past hour emanating from his skin. We hadn't spoken on the entire car ride, and I was glad for that. If I was going to explain anything, I didn't want it to be in the car. I wanted to be able to look at Colin, to face him, to touch him if I wanted to--and furthermore, I didn't want to say anything that would make him even angrier.
I had called Hannah from the attendance office, and rightfully so. We had an agreement that if I ever needed anything and I couldn't call Mom, to call her and she'd either come get me or give me permission to go home, no questions asked. Even though she was my older brother's wife, she'd been there with me through the roughest part of my depression after Kyle raped me, and the best part was, she never told Nathan any of it.
I smiled, thankful that I had someone like her in my life. I looked at Colin, thankful for him as well. I wanted to touch him--needed to touch him. I needed to fold myself into his arms and feel the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. I touched his hand softly, taking it into mine.
"Nickayla, who was that asshole?" he asked, looking at me with a pained expression on his face.
I closed my eyes. I knew that "asshole" wouldn't be my first choice for Kyle, but I definitely was glad that Colin didn't choose another choice word, because then I'd have to agree with him.
"That asshole was Kyle York," I said. "He was a good friend of mine. Actually, he was my best friend." I paused. "Remember how I told you something really bad happened to me last year that I can't talk about yet?"
I watched as Colin nodded, his eyes locked on mine.
"Well, Kyle was the one who did it to me," I said. "I can't tell you what exactly he did...but he hurt me pretty bad. I was so fucked up after it happened that I had to see a shrink for my mom to trust me to leave the house by myself, because she was scared I'd drive off a road or--"
"--or jump into a lake and try to drown yourself?" Colin finished.
I sighed.
I hadn't expected the conversation to be easy, but it had proved to be much more difficult than I ever could have anticipated.
"Yes," I said, solemnly. "Or that."
I stared at him for a moment, assessing his posture. He was rigid, his hands clenched into fists much like they were when he confronted Kyle, and his eyes were squinted, his expression pained as he looked down at his feet.
"Is there anything else?" he asked.
I shook my head.
I knew that it would be hard getting to know each other. If I was being honest with myself, I wasn't treating Colin the way that I should: I'd learned everything there was to know about his romantic history, and I couldn't tell him the most important piece of mine. It was unfair, and I hated that I wasn't mentally ready to divulge my secret just yet.
"Colin, while I'm being honest, I really am sorry that you're caught in the middle of this," I said. "You've already come to my rescue three times, dealt with my lunatic best friends, and almost got into a fight with my ex best friend--all on the first day of school. It's unfair to ask any of this of you when you don't even know me."
Colin's head snapped up, looking at me with a fierce intensity as he moved closer to me to wrap an arm around me and kiss me on the forehead.
"That may be true, but Nickayla, I want to know you," he said. "The way I feel with you is totally new to me. I've never felt anything like this. I'm trying my best to be a friend to you, but if you'll allow me to be honest for a second, I want you to know that I don't really want to be your friend. I want to be more than that."
I sighed, staring intently at him.
"You mean you want to be my boyfriend like you told Kyle you were," I said, nudging him gently, "twice?"
He chuckled softly, kissing my temple, sending shivers down my spine.
"Of course I do," Colin mused.
"Just to be able to kiss you whenever I want to," he said, kissing me on the cheek, “reach out and pull you into my arms whenever I want to," he gave a kiss to my other cheek, "tell you that you're my entire world whenever I want to." He paused, taking my hand in his and kissing it softly. "But first, I need to know something."
My heart stopped. So many different scenarios raced through my mind, and I didn't know if I was prepared to find out what he needed from me. I kept my secrets close and my heart even closer. I wasn't ready to let either of those out of my grasp yet.
"Wh-what's that?" I asked, my voice shaking nervously.
He watched me for a moment, then stood up, pacing back and forth in front of me. He shook his head, rubbing his hands together as he looked from me, to the ground, and back to me again. I was awestruck. I didn't know Colin very well, but just from the time I'd spent with him, he'd always emanated an air of confidence. He was completely carefree nearly every time I'd seen him, but at that moment I was reading that he was...nervous? What could he possibly want to know that was making him uneasy?
He was acting almost as nervous as I felt.
"Colin, what is it?" I asked, suddenly worried.
He ran his fingers through his hair, then walked carelessly over to me, crouching down in front of me as he took my hand.
"Will you go on a date with me?" he asked.
I sat back, taken by surprise as a smile crept up on my face.
"Of course I will," I said, standing up and wrapping my arms around him.
"Geez, Kales, I'm so sorry about what I said," Michele said, squeezing my knee as she stared at me sympathetically. "Brody's been trying to tell me something happened with Kyle, and I still don't know what, but seeing you in the hallway cowering like that--it really put things into perspective. I've never seen you like that, and it just occurred to me that since Ben's party, plus how you reacted to what I said, I don't really know you at all. That's really not okay with me."
After Colin left my house, Michele came over to my house to make up with me and bring me the things I'd left at school. The one thing I knew about Michele is that she hated to be wrong, but when she was, she admitted it in a heartbeat.
"Michie, it's really okay," I said. "There's a lot maybe I should tell the both of you, but I'm waiting for the right time. I promise, I will tell you though."
I reached for my best friend, wrapping her in a hug. We weren't really good at staying mad at each other, so I knew better than to try.
"Well, make it soon, Nickayla," she said, still hugging me, "because you really had us scared shitless back there." She looked up at me as we pulled away, standing up to smooth her skirt and re-cross her legs. "Brody and Kyle got into a huge fight over you
r honor. It was pretty brutal: some things were said, some punches were thrown and well--Kyle's got a black eye and a busted lip, and Brody's got a week's suspension."
My eyes widened, and I groaned, burying my face in my hands. The last thing that I wanted was for Brody to get into a fight with Kyle--again--because of me. It wasn't right for me to keep putting my friends through things like this. It wasn't fair for them to fight for me and they didn't even know why.
"Michele, Brody shouldn't have fought for me," I said, staring up at her.
She uncrossed her legs and scooted closer to me on my bed, taking my hand.
"Nickayla Quinn, Brody is your best friend," she said. "He was defending your honor. And more than that, he's my boyfriend, and if he hadn't stood up for you, I'd have been the one kicking Brody’s ass. So don't even worry about it."
I shook my head, tears springing to my eyes. I knew that I had the most amazing friends in the world who would have done anything for me, but it was getting to be too much. Brody had fought Kyle twice so far, and God only knew how many more times it would happen once I actually told him what the truth about everything.
I knew what I had to do to make things almost right again, at least for a little while.
"Michele, if I tell you what happened with Kyle, you can't tell Brody," I said.
She looked up at me, bewildered as she shook her head.
"Kales, I have to tell Brody. He's my boyfriend--we talk about everything. Plus, he's your best friend! You've known him longer than you've known me! Don't you think he deserves to know?" she said.
I nodded, standing up and walking over to my closet. I got on my knees and reached to the back, where there was a small box that held a part of my secret.
"Michele, he does deserve to know," I said, grabbing it and holding it to my chest as I walked back over to my bed. I held the box tightly as I looked up at her. "But if he knows now, he'll want to kill Kyle. I need to be the one to tell him, and I need to tell him in my own time." I paused, taking a deep breath. "I'm only telling you because I need you to know. I've never told anybody, and I need to get it off my chest to move forward."
Losing Me Page 6
