Yar and the Orgasmizer 9000

by Angelique Anjou

  Adrianne frowned. “You don’t sound at all certain.”

  “This was not the answer you wanted, Mistress?”

  Adrianne sighed gustily. “I asked what you wanted … never mind. Just go to sleep.”

  Yawning, Adrianne went to the phone and dialed her office, punched the buttons for her boss’s voice mail and left him the message that she wouldn’t be in for a few days because she was consulting with a lawyer, then hung up. Let the bastard stew on that one! If things didn’t work out with Yar and the Orgasmizer9000, she was going to be looking for another job, but she wasn’t going without a hell of a recommendation from that son-of-a-bitch. He’d be worrying about a lawsuit until she got back.

  She dialed Darcy’s number next and left a message on the answering machine. “Hi, Darcy! It’s me, Adrianne. I need your help. Bring your sewing kit and anything you have in the shop in a man’s size….” She broke off and thought about it for several moments. “I guess it would be tall, 44 or 46 in the chest. 34 or maybe 36 in the waist and at least a 35 or 36 inseam. Don’t forget the sewing kit. You’ll probably have to make some adjustments. Oh. Bring men’s boxers, too. Thanks bunches, girlfriend. See you in the AM.”

  That done, she hung up, turned the light off and lay down.

  As weary as she was, it was still difficult to ignore the huge mound of man lying beside her. Finally, however, weariness began to take the upper hand and Adrianne was just drifting to sleep when Yar spoke again.

  “Did you mean what you said?”

  Adrianne couldn’t come up with a clue of what he was asking. “The clothes?”

  “That I could say what I wanted?”

  “Oh. Sure, sweety. Whatever,” Adrianne responded, yawning again.

  He was silent for several moments. “I … would like … to service you.”

  Adrianne’s eyes popped open and she turned over. “What did you say?”

  His eyes widened in alarm. “You said I was to say what I wanted.”

  She nodded. “I’m just curious to know why you changed your mind.”

  “I did not change my mind. I decided.”

  She couldn’t help but smile. “And what made you decide you wanted to … uh … offer your services?”

  Yar frowned, obviously thinking it over carefully. “Your are beautiful, and clever and kind. My body wants you. My head, too.”

  Adrianne stared at him blankly for several moments. “Why, Yar! That’s just the sweetest thing anybody’s ever said to me!”

  He reddened.

  She leaned over and kissed him on the lips, lightly. “Now, go to sleep. We’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.”

  He looked confused, but settled down and closed his eyes.

  Adrianne settled as well. Her last thoughts as she drifted off was that she was going to have to try to teach Yar how to blend in a little better.

  * * * *

  Yar prepared their breakfast the following morning. Adrianne was alarmed when she woke and discovered that he was gone. Still more than a little groggy, she was trying to decide whether everything she remembered had actually happened, or if it was one of the most bizarre dreams she’d ever had--brought on, possibly, by the combination of seafood and her client’s determined efforts to seduce her. How she could have exchanged the short, fat, balding Mr. Blanton with a man like Yar was a mystery, but she had to wonder.

  When she woke enough to have her wits about her, however, she turned over. Sure enough, there was a very definite imprint in the bed beside her. Lifting the pillow, she sniffed. Immediately, a rush of warmth filled her. The man was a walking, talking aphrodisiac.

  Panic shot through her and she sat bolt upright. Before she could launch herself from the bed and race out to find him, however, he tapped on the door and entered carrying a makeshift tray filled with plates of food. Adrianne stared at him blankly. “You cook?”

  Yar was concentrating on balancing the tray. He said nothing until he’d carefully set it on the chest beside the bed. “Yes, Mistress.”

  “Adrianne.”

  “Mistress Adrianne.”

  Adrianne shook her head. “You can’t go around calling me Mistress Adrianne. It’ll attract too much attention. You must call me Adrianne.”

  He looked a little doubtful. “I will not be punished?”

  Adrianne gaped at him for several moments before a surge of protectiveness went through her. She discarded the urge to cuddle him. “Oh course not, sweety! Here,” she added, patting the bed beside her. “Sit down and eat with me.”

  He looked torn between pleasure and doubt. “I only prepared enough for you.”

  Adrianne gaped at the heaping plates. “Good God! I couldn’t eat a tenth of that if my life depended upon it! Sit down and eat.”

  He looked at the bed but finally sat cross legged on the floor, took a plate and began eating. Adrianne picked up a piece of toast. “You seem very familiar with Earth food for somebody from another planet.”

  “My mis--Mistress Serena is very fond of Earth food. I learned to prepare it to please her.”

  “What else do you know how to do?”

  He thought it over and finally shrugged. “Whatever must be done to keep a household running smoothly. Mistress Serena is a very important and busy woman. She does not have much time for me. She allows me to do whatever I like most of the time, as long as it is not forbidden.”

  “She is … kind to you?”

  Yar nodded. “Much more than my other mistress’ were. But she is not as kind as you. You are not a warrior, mistress?”

  Adrianne almost choked on her toast. “A what?”

  “Warrior?”

  “Certainly not!” She thought about it for several moments. “I suppose, in a way … Business is a bit like battle. You just use different weapons to conquer.”

  He nodded. When he’d cleaned the plate and set it down, Adrianne handed him another one. After a moment’s hesitation, he took it.

  “I have a friend coming over in a little bit with clothing for you. I’ve been giving it some thought and I think the best way to introduce her to the Orgasmizer9000 is to give her a free sample. She’ll never believe it, otherwise.”

  Yar looked at her curiously.

  “I’m thinking … if all goes well and I get your mistress back, and you give me the Orgasmizer9000 … then Darcy would probably like being my partner marketing it. So this is what I want you to do when she gets here….”

  When she was certain Yar understood what she had in mind, she led him downstairs, parked him in front of the TV and then handed him the remote and taught him how to use it. “What is the purpose of this, Mistress?” he asked curiously.

  “Ordinarily, it’s purely for entertainment. Right now, though, I want you to watch for news reports. If your mistress crashed anywhere around here, there’ll be something about it on the news. They’re not going to say a space ship crashed, mind you, or … What was it you called it? A pod? They might say a small plane crashed, but most likely they’ll say something about a meteor. Or maybe they’ll just call it a small explosion from some gas leak. Anyway, if they start talking about something like that, you need to listen very closely and remember the name of the place where they say it happened. OK?”

  He nodded, staring so raptly at the TV screen Adrianne had to wonder if he’d remember what she’d said, or notice if there was a report. She decided they must not have TV where he was from.

  Mentally, she shrugged. To her way of thinking TV was the least likely to offer up any clues. Taking her portable phone and the phone book, she flipped to the list of radio stations and began making calls. The doorbell rang while she was on her second call and she ended the conversation, hung up and turned to Yar. “It’s probably Darcy. Remember what I told you?”

  Yar nodded. “I’m very clever, Mistress. I never forget anything.”

  Adrianne looked at him a little doubtfully. “That must be nice. I’d forget my head if it wasn’t attached.”

  Ignoring the curi
ous look he gave her, she went to answer the door. Darcy stood on the stoop, her arms full of clothing, her eyes wide as saucers.

  She was almost Adrianne’s complete opposite--short, a little on the plump side, blond and shy. Not that she was tall, but she was at least average in height and poor Darcy was barely five feet tall-- and mostly boobs. Not that Adrianne would have minded having such an impressive ‘bumper’ herself, but on Darcy the boobs only made her look shorter and fatter.

  “Did you hear the news this morning?” Darcy gasped excitedly.

  “Missed it. I slept late.”

  “Somebody saw a UFO over Vegas last night!”

  Adrianne suppressed a grin with an effort. “No! Really? Come on in. You’ll have to tell me all about it, but first I want you to meet somebody.”

  Darcy followed her into the living room, chattering about the reported sightings. “Actually, I heard they sighted one ….”

  Darcy broke off and stared up at Yar when he stood up from the couch, slowly turning as red as a tomato. Adrianne grasped Darcy’s shoulders. “This is my very best friend, Darcy. Darcy--this is Yar. He was flying in that UFO everybody saw last night.”

  She gave Darcy a little shove in Yar’s direction.

  Yar glanced at her, almost seemed to shrug, and held out the Orgasmizer.

  Darcy, moving like a sleepwalker, her gaze fixed on Yar’s face, held out her hand. The moment she touched the devise, she just sort of wilted to the floor in slow motion. Adrianne caught her friend and lowered her carefully to the couch, feeling more than a little concern as she watched Darcy twitch and moan. She frowned. “Is it supposed to be like this?”

  Yar nodded.

  “I looked like that?” Adrianne said, embarrassed and more than a little repulsed.

  Yar shrugged. “Not exactly.”

  “You OK, Darcy?”

  “Ohhhh,” Darcy moaned.

  “I think she’s OK,” Adrianne said, half to herself. “Maybe we should just give her a few minutes?”

  Yar didn’t take the hint and Adrianne reached for his arm and led him from the room. They waited outside the door for several minutes until Darcy’s moaning seemed to subside. Finally, Adrianne peered into the room. Darcy was sitting up on the couch, looking around as if bewildered, her glasses cocked crazily on her face. “Better?”

  Reaching up, Darcy straightened her glasses. “What was that … thing?”

  Adrianne grinned and went back into the living room. “The Orgasmizer9000. Wasn’t that just … the best?”

  Darcy still looked more than a little confused. “The best what?”

  “Orgasm. Wasn’t that the best orgasm you ever had in your life?”

  “That’s what an orgasm feels like?” Darcy gasped.

  Adrianne felt a moment of doubt. “It didn’t feel like an orgasm to you?”

  Darcy turned red. “Uh … well … I never had one before. Is that what it feels like?”

  Adrianne didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “You poor thing! I’m so sorry, Darcy! I just wanted you to experience it so you’d believe me. I mean, it’s just so fantastic I wouldn’t have believed it myself if I hadn’t.

  Yar’s promised to give it to me if we help him find his mistress. That’s why I called you over … well, part of it. I needed some clothes for him so we can go looking. And I wanted to invite you to be my partner to market this … once it’s ours, of course.” Grabbing Darcy, she hugged her friend excitedly. “Can you just imagine the magnitude of this thing! We’ll be rich!”

  Darcy smiled a little hesitantly when Adrianne released her. “He’s an alien?”

  Adrianne nodded. “Come on back in here, Yar.”

  “He looks … dangerous,” Darcy whispered, her eyes wide as saucers. “Are you sure he’s … safe?”

  Adrianne giggled. “Don’t let his size fool you. He’s tame as a kitten … like a big old teddy bear. Aren’t you, Yar?”

  Yar looked confused. “What is a teddy bear, Mistress?”

  Adrianne frowned. “You can’t go around calling me that. People will notice.”

  “Adrianne?”

  “Never mind. It just means you’re sweet and wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

  “What is a fly, Mis … Adrianne?”

  “Forget it. We need to get some clothes on you. Why don’t you tell me what you heard about the UFOs while you’re fitting him for clothes, Darcy?”

  Darcy looked down at the mound of clothes she’d dropped on the floor. Grabbing them up, she held them toward Yar. When he reached for them, however, she released them and jumped back nervously. Yar managed to catch a shirt.

  “That’s good. Put that on and let’s see how it fits,” Adrianne suggested as she gathered up the rest of the clothing and deposited it on the couch.

  Yar held it out, frowning as he turned it several times and finally put his arm in the wrong sleeve. Adrianne took it from him and helped him put it on. Unfortunately, the moment he shrugged his shoulders, the shoulder seams popped and a small tear appeared in the middle of the back. “Too small,” Adrianne said and helped him out of it again.

  “Uh, do you think you could put some … uh … shorts on him?”

  Adrianne bit back a smile, but didn’t turn to look at her friend. “Sure. I really hate covering up something that purdy, but I guess we have to, huh?”

  “Pretty?” Darcy asked faintly.

  Adrianne glanced at her but decided she’d teased her friend enough. “I think so, but you’re right. Can’t just leave him swinging in the breeze. Let’s just hope the shorts you brought fit and his … uh … love muscle doesn’t bust the seams.”

  The shorts fit, much to Darcy’s relief. Once he was ‘sheathed’ she got up to help, but they discovered none of the shirts Darcy had brought fit him except the stretch knit and it couldn’t really be said to have fit as it had been intended. The jeans fit him like a glove. Yar looked torn between happiness and discomfort once they had him dressed.

  “I am overwhelmed with gratitude for your gifts, Mis … Adrianne. But I do not think I like Earth clothes. It is very hard to move.”

  Adrianne patted his arm. “You’ll get used to it. Why don’t you practice moving and sitting in them while me and Darcy discuss strategy?”

  By the time Darcy had recounted the news reports, Adrianne was fairly certain she had a clear picture of the situation, and it wasn’t good. “The FEDS have got her, sure as hell! Yar said he saw an explosion. They must have shot her down, in which case they were probably on top of it before she even landed.

  “Sounds like she must have come down in Arizona, or maybe New Mexico. Which means they probably took her to that secret base close to Roswell that nobody’s supposed to know about. Of course, from what Yar has said about her, she sounds like a pretty resourceful female, so she might have eluded them. We should take your van.”

  Darcy didn’t look particularly happy about it. “But … it’s new!”

  “Well we can’t all squeeze into my little compact. Come on, Darcy. If we pull this off, we’re going to be rich. It’s the find of the century. Think about it.”

  Darcy looked glum. “And if we don’t pull it off, my van’s probably going to be full of bullet holes!”

  Adrianne was taken aback. “You think they’ll use guns?”

  “You think they won’t? Don’t you think they’ll think they have the find of the century? In which case, they’re not going to want to give it up.”

  “Well, it isn’t like we’ll be trying for the ship … the pod. We just need to break his mistress out.”

  “Just…!” Darcy exclaimed faintly.

  Chapter Four

  Adrianne had forgotten about shoes when she’d asked Darcy to bring over clothes for Yar. They stopped by a discount department store on their way out of town and bought him a pair of sneakers. He was pleased with them until he discovered he couldn’t wiggle his toes.

  Almost as an afterthought, Adrianne bought a backpack and every item she ran across that
she thought might be helpful in a jailbreak. Unfortunately, explosives weren’t readily available, so she purchased an assortment of tools she thought might be helpful in picking, or breaking, a lock, a set of wire cutters, lock cutters, rope in case they had to scale a wall or tie anybody up and flashlights.

  It was mid afternoon when they reached the county in Arizona where the purported meteor had crashed. After getting rooms for the night, the three set out to grab a bite to eat and pump the locals for information. Adrianne decided a truck stop might be the best place to go for information so, although Darcy wasn’t terribly happy about it, they drove around until they found what looked to be the most popular truck stop and pulled in.

  A lull fell over the room as they reached the entrance to the restaurant. Yar seemed completely unaware of it, looking around with interest, but Adrianne and Darcy exchanged an uncomfortable glance, wondering if they should have put a little more effort into making Yar blend in. On the other hand, what could you do with a man well over six feet tall that was built like Conan the Barbarian?

  Adrianne supposed they should have considered cutting his hair, but she hadn’t been able to bring herself to suggest it. He had such beautiful hair!

  The lull, thankfully, was short lived and everyone in the restaurant made a point thereafter of ignoring them. A booth would have been more comfortable, and far more private, but Adrianne opted for stools at the bar for the simple reason that she was more interested in information than food.

  A waitress rushed over almost the moment they settled. “Can I get you folks some coffee?”

  Adrianne preferred her caffeine in cola form and ordered one for herself and one for Yar. Darcy opted for the coffee. The waitress was back in a few minutes with their drinks. “You folks been traveling long?”

  Adrianne smiled. “We’re going to Florida. But we heard there was a meteor crash somewhere around here and decided to take a little detour to have a look at it.”

  “Where are ya’ll from?”

  “California,” Adrianne lied promptly.

  The woman had barely taken her eyes off of Yar since they’d sat down. At Adrianne’s remark, a look of comprehension skated across her face, as if that explained everything. “Not much to see, from what I heard. What’ll ya’ll have?”