The Final Piece

by Maggi Myers

  I would sacrifice myself, without hesitation, to have another minute with you. Life is cruel and unjust that you should die while I can think of many people more deserving. I know that’s terrible, and I am probably going to hell for that. I just miss you. There will never be a day that I don’t ache with missing you, T. Never a day.

  I Will Love You, Always,

  B.

  ***

  The gravel from the shoulder of the road digs into my hands and knees. My letter is crumpled in the grass. Screaming releases the desolation and anger coursing through me. I rock back and forth in a pitiful display of grief. I don’t care that I probably look like a crazy person. My heart is in pieces that will never fit together again. A feral moan erupts from my mouth, sending wave after wave of tears.

  I’ve lost track of the time I’ve spent kneeling by the side of the road, wailing for Tommy. I only know that my throat is raw and my knees are sore. The discomfort it causes can’t come close to the pain Tommy’s absence creates. Part of me wants to curl up and die right here, but Tommy would never forgive me for leaving our family behind. I know he would be here if he could. I pick up my crumpled letter and place it back in its envelope. There is a nook between a statue of an angel and a cross with Tommy’s name. I tuck the letter there. When I get off my knees and walk back to the Lincoln, I don’t feel any relief. I know this is only one of the many times I will be saying goodbye to Tommy today.

  When I pull up to the house, Ryan is waiting on the porch swing. He stands when he sees me and walks to the front steps to greet me. My sore eyes linger on him. He’s beautiful in a dark grey suit and navy blue tie. I brush the remaining dirt from my jeans and do my best to act like I was just out joyriding.

  “Good morning,” I croak, forgetting my raw throat. He watches me suspiciously from the top of the stairs. I know I must look like a wreck, but I don’t want an interrogation, so I continue to play dumb.

  “Where’d you run off to so early?” He places his hand in the small of my back as he opens the door for me. I give him a quick smile and pick up my pace toward the kitchen. Gran and Pops are at the dining room table and when they see me fly through with Ryan hot on my heels, Gran’s hand freezes with her coffee cup halfway to her mouth. Her eyebrows shoot straight up and Pops’ pinch together.

  “What the hell?” Pops mutters.

  “Beth, wait,” Ryan stops in the kitchen doorway.

  I continue on my quest, grabbing a glass from the cabinet and filling it with water from the sink. I gulp down the tepid water, letting it soothe the burning in my throat. I wasn’t counting on having to face him already. My back is to Ryan and I can feel him boring holes into the back of my head. The glass in my hand shakes as I turn on the faucet to refill my glass. I am not above blatant stalling; I’m desperate. Ryan’s hand shoots around me and turns the faucet off. I can feel the heat of his body against my back making my heart leap. Damn him!

  “You’re running again,” he whispers, as he rests his hands on my shoulders. I tense, getting ready to play defense against whatever questions he’s about to hurl at me. Ryan ignores my posture and rubs my shoulders with tender care.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” My voice is still hoarse. I place my glass in the sink and lean my hands on the countertop, trying to put a little distance between us. His hands go a long way to soothing the angst from my visit to the site of the crash. Instead of fighting, I comply when he turns me around and pulls me against his chest. My eyes close, and I let the comfort he’s offering wash over me.

  “You don’t have to talk about it. You don’t have to say a word, just let me be here,” he whispers into my hair. I heave a heavy sigh, letting the rest of my apprehension go. Grateful for his patience, I hold him tight to my body. No, I don’t want to talk about it, but I still want him to know that I care. I won’t let another person in my life go on without showing how I feel about them.

  Chapter 36

  After a hot shower, I almost feel human again. The turntable spins an old school James Taylor album while I get dressed for Tommy’s funeral mass. I slip on a simple black wrap dress with high-heeled Mary Janes. I am smoothing out the front of my dress when there is a knock on my door.

  Gran sticks her head in and smiles when she sees me. “Beautiful, Blossom. You look so beautiful.” The creases around her eyes deepen with her smile.

  “Will you braid my hair, Gran?” I hold out my hairbrush and sit on the edge of my bed. Ever since I was little, I have loved it when Gran braids my hair. It is something so simple but very calming to have her play with my hair. She takes the brush and runs the bristles from my crown down to the ends. “Tommy would be very happy that you and Ryan are leaning on each other,” she minces no words and moves in straight for the kill. With her fingers interwoven with my hair, I can’t exactly run for the hills.

  “Gran,” I warn.

  “Don’t you sass me with that tone, young lady. Tommy realized how much that boy adored you the second you were gone. He felt the fool for giving you two so much grief. Poor Ryan moped around here like a lost pup when you went back to Miami. He even tried to give your concert tickets to Lori across the street. She was ecstatic until she realized that he was trying to give her both tickets.” Gran chuckles while she is twisting the strands of hair into a French braid. I don’t think she notices my slack-jawed response to her statement. The image of Ryan at seventeen pops into my head, making me smile in reverie. “What are you grinning at?” Gran teases.

  “It’s just hard to imagine Ryan moping around anywhere. It goes against his nature,” I laugh.

  “Exactly,” Gran emphasizes. “That’s how Tommy knew. That’s how we all knew.” She takes the elastic from the dresser, fastening it to the bottom of my braid.

  “Gran?” I ask tentatively.

  “What is it, Blossom?” She sits next to me on the bed and grabs my hand.

  “Was Tommy happy?” I whimper and suck in a ragged breath.

  “Yes, he was,” Gran sniffles, “he had a good life and was happy where he was.”

  “I’m so glad,” I give her a weak smile and squeeze her hand. Gran and I both turn our heads at the soft knock on the door.

  “Knock, knock.” I hear my mom’s voice, “Can I come in?” Her beautiful blond head peeks around the corner. I jump off the bed to go hug her.

  “Mom,” I smile, “I’m so sorry I missed you last night, I passed out early.”

  “I know, when I came upstairs you were out cold, so I covered you up and turned out your light.” She brushes my cheek with her hand. She laughs softly at my surprise and kisses my forehead. I pull her into another embrace and drink in the smell of her perfume.

  “I love you so much, Mom,” I whisper, “I’m so glad you’re here.”

  “Me too, Beth,” she says. Her eyes are glassy as they assess me with maternal concern. She strokes my cheek as she says, “Your dad and I are headed out with Rob and Melissa.”

  “Pops and I are going to head over to the church to help out the Cantwells.” Before I can question, Gran adds, “Ryan said he would give you a ride to the church.” She gives me a wry smile and my mom gives her a conspiratorial glance. I get the feeling that I am walking directly into a trap.

  ***

  “Will you miss me?” I whisper against Ryan’s mouth. Beneath the cherry tree, we are snuggled together in the grass.

  “Every day,” Ryan promises, rubbing his nose against mine. He props himself on his elbows, drawing his face away from mine. ”You know that, right?” His brows pinch together as he searches my face. His eyes lull me into a trance. I could stare into them forever. Their green is a perfect match to the grass we’re laying on. “Beth?” He cocks an eyebrow, waiting.

  “You’ll miss me until some hottie comes along and steals your heart.” I tease. I don’t want to be the girl whose head gets so wrapped up in the clouds she can’t see straight. Some beautiful girl will come along and replace me before my plane hits the runway in Miami. Th
is is the last afternoon I have to spend with him, so I push those thoughts far away. The only things I want to think about are Ryan’s kisses and the way they make me tingle.

  “I don’t want another hottie,” he teases back before leaning in to kiss me. His lips brush mine with the tender promises of his heart. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him against me. His hair winds through my fingers as my tongue grazes his. I like how he shudders when I take control. The warmth of his breath washes over my face when he pulls his mouth away from mine. His lips are puffy from our kisses; the look on his face chases the air from my lungs. He’s taking me in like I am a treasure he’s found, pure adoration. He smiles down at me, making those jade eyes twinkle, “You’re unforgettable, Elizabeth Irene. I’d be a fool not to miss rolling around in the grass with you.” He laughs, rolling onto his back. I smack his stomach playfully and cover my face with my hands. “Don’t be embarrassed, that’s a compliment,” he chuckles.

  “You’re an ass.” My voice is muffled from beneath my hands.

  “Maybe, but this ass will miss you every day. Every day, Beth.” He peels my hands back, pinning them outstretched and my breath catches in panic. Before it can bloom, he runs his nose along my jaw, peppering kisses as he makes his way to my mouth. I am lost to the sensations, my panic forgotten as his lips trace mine, memorizing every curve.

  ***

  Ryan sits in the armchair by the window, staring out at nothing. Forlorn, he sits bent at the waist with his forearms resting on his knees. The pain etched on his face is a reminder of why we’re here and who isn’t here with us. Tommy’s vacancy looms in the living room as I walk near Ryan. His head swings toward me and the desolation becomes wistful as the corner of his mouth tips up. If I had any hope of keeping him at arms length, it’s gone into hiding. My heart cries for the years wasted on pushing everyone away, for never coming back to the boy I could never forget. What stings the most is how easily I believed that living that way was living at all. If Gran is right, I’m not the only one who’s been pining.

  Ryan’s eyes don’t leave mine as he crosses the room. The intensity of his stare strips me bare. He wraps his arms tightly around my waist and kisses my forehead.

  “Pretty.” That word and the smile stretching across his face remind me of the boy I used to play with on the lake. It takes me back to the last time Tommy, Ryan and I were together there on my fifteenth birthday. The first time I confessed the depths of the abuse I suffered. The first kiss I took back from Drew—I was so certain that it would be a struggle to separate the two. What I couldn’t possibly understand until it happened was how kissing Ryan would make me feel. There was never a question after his lips touched mine for the first time. Kissing Ryan stirred an array of emotions in me from desire to contentment.

  “Whenever I hear that word I can’t help but think of you.” I smile up at him.

  “Well, it is a pretty common word, Ms. Bradshaw,” his voice is a deep rumble that sends chills over my skin. ”How often did you think of me, exactly?” His mouth is so close to mine, I can’t tear my eyes away from it.

  “All the time,” my voice is barely a whisper as the confession pours out of me. “More than I want to admit.” There, now it’s all out there. I hold my breath never taking my eyes from his perfect lips, and hope I haven’t just laid myself out for slaughter.

  “What would happen if you admit it?” He tips my chin up, demanding me to face him. “I always thought about you. I always wondered what it could’ve been like if our timing had been different.”

  I close my eyes as tears tumble silently from the corners of my eyes as bittersweet relief washes over me. He never forgot me, but he never really knew me either.

  “I tried so hard to let you go, but I never could. You were always with me, Ryan.” Shame colors my cheeks as I weep. “There are so many things that you don’t know that you could never accept about me. If you really knew me, you wouldn’t have wanted me at all.” I try to pull away from Ryan but he only holds onto me tighter.

  “Beth, look at me,” Ryan pleads. I peer at him through wet eyelashes. He locks his emerald gaze with mine as our lips meet in a feather light kiss that marks my heart as his forever. My eyes flutter closed as the sensation overtakes me. His breath tickles my face with his next words, ”Losing Tommy the way we did is a wake up call, Beth. He wouldn’t want us to waste time on things we can’t change. He would want us to have each other.”

  Fear and sorrow ignite a desire in me that threatens to burn us both to the ground. The sweet smell of cedar engulfs my senses, as I run my fingers through Ryan’s hair and pull his bottom lip into my mouth. A growl rumbles through Ryan’s chest as his tongue sweeps into my mouth. His touch stokes a flame that reduces my grief to ashes. He splays a possessive hand across my lower back and presses me against him. My hands are skimming down the sinewy muscles of his back when I hear someone clear their throat.

  I gasp in horror at being caught making out in Gran and Pops’ living room. My back is to the intruder but the look on Ryan’s face isn’t guilty, it’s irritated. I spin away from Ryan to face whomever has trespassed on our private moment. I stare in shock at Lori from across the street and stumble as Ryan pulls me to his side.

  “I saw your car, Ry.” She gives me a critical once over. “I was hoping to get a ride to the church.” She completely ignores me to bat her eyelashes at Ryan. A surge of protectiveness comes out of nowhere.

  “We have obligations with our family so I wouldn’t be the best person to ride with.” Ryan’s tone is cool and dismissive. I almost feel sorry for the poor girl. Her long black curls frame her lovely face as her hazel eyes dart back and forth between Ryan and me.

  “That’s not what I hear,” she purrs and raises a challenging eyebrow. The hairs on the back of my neck prickle at her tone. I’m not so stupid to allow myself to be baited by her, but it pisses me off, nonetheless.

  “Get over yourself, Lori. This isn’t the time or place for your bullshit.” Ryan spits. I’m taken aback by his lack of patience with her.

  “Oh and tonguing Beth in the living room on your way to Tommy’s funeral is more appropriate?” She sneers at us. “Whatever, I’ll see you there.” As she storms off, I have a vision of her bending the ear of anyone who’ll listen about how she caught us making out like teenagers.

  “Oh, no you don’t,” Ryan murmurs. He cups my face in his hands and gives me a tender, chaste kiss. “Don’t you let her jealousy get under your skin. She’s been pouting ever since I wouldn’t go to Brutal Strength with her.” I chuckle as he repeats Gran’s story back to me.

  “There aren’t going to be any more scorned women waiting to kick my ass in the parking lot at church, are there?” I tease but Ryan knows I am fishing and his smile is devilish as he tugs my braid.

  “No, I don’t have a girlfriend, if that’s what you’re asking,” he laughs, “but I can’t help it if the ladies pine after me.”

  “You smug ass.” I scoff, disentangling myself from Ryan.

  If we are late, we will never hear the end of it. When I pause to open the front door, Ryan’s hand slips around my waist and pulls me back against his chest. He sweeps my braid over my shoulder and plants a tender kiss at the base of my neck.

  “You were the only one I wanted pining after me, pretty girl,” he whispers.

  Chapter 37

  The parking lot is full at St. Louis Catholic Church. The community has come out in droves to mourn the loss of one of its sons. Ryan pulls his truck into the parking area marked off for family members. I don’t feel like I deserve to be considered as such—I abandoned my relationship with Tommy when I should have cherished it. Ryan opens my door and holds out his hand, pulling me into a hug when I climb down from the truck’s cab. Sensing my remorse, he cradles my head against his chest.

  “Stop beating yourself up, sweetheart, he knew how much you loved him. Everyone grows up and moves away, it’s a part of life. He never held it against you,” he murmurs. Hearta
che rips my chest open as I cling to Ryan. I didn’t deserve Tommy’s adoration and I certainly don’t deserve Ryan’s understanding.

  Ryan shuttles me through the front doors into the vestibule where people are slowly gathering in the sanctuary. Keeping a protective arm around me, he braces me against the crowd. I am so grateful for the steadiness of his strength because my own is fleeting. My gaze stays transfixed on the floor, unable to meet the faces of our friends and family members. We pause at the holy water font and I watch Ryan dip his finger and make the sign of the holy Trinity. His head is bowed in reverence and I envy the look of peace that washes over his face. Stepping aside, he makes room for me to move closer. I shake my head, keeping my feet cemented in place.

  “I’m not a real Catholic, Ryan. I was never baptized,” I whisper frantically, not wanting to make a scene.

  “That’s not true.” He has the nerve to smile. I scowl in return. “Your baptism is legendary,” he whispers.

  “Stop it, Ryan.” I gasp when Ryan dips his hand into the font and blesses me. To my surprise, the earth doesn’t shake in protest. ”I have never taken communion or been confirmed. That’s not funny,” I hiss.

  “It’s a blessing, Beth,” he kisses the top of my head, “no confirmation required.” He chuckles and I want to kick him; I feel like an idiot. “Tommy loved to tell the story of your baptism,” Ryan sighs. “I could always picture Gran’s ashen face when your parents told her and Pops that they weren’t going to have you christened. Of course, the best part was when Gran took it upon herself to baptize you in the kitchen sink when she was babysitting.” The memory of Tommy’s face lit up with laughter flashes in my mind. His arms are thrown wide in an animated gesture while he tells his story. I would give anything to hear one more story.