Overwhelmed

by Marita A. Hansen

  Leaving the front door open, I headed for our room, pulling out my Navy duffle from under the bed. I tore up the wardrobe and cabinet, filling the bag with clothes and shoes, then went to the bathroom for my toiletries. I stopped for a moment to look in the mirror. My anguished face stared back at me. I was broken—Kelly had broken me. She had been the sweetest girl I’d ever met, our wedding one of the happiest days of my life. And today was the worst.

  Unable to help myself, I swiped out at everything on top of the basin, knocking it all off, the soap dish breaking in two as it hit the floor. I picked up my toiletry bag and jammed it into my duffel, then left, willing myself not to break anything else.

  I headed into the sitting room, stopping at the sight of Kelly entering the house. It looked like she’d been crying. She was wearing the same clothes I’d seen in the photo, which cemented what she’d done.

  Her eyes moved to the bag in my hand. She started shaking her head. “No, don’t leave, I didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t how it looked.”

  I stiffened at her words. She knew I’d found out she was a cheat. I tightened my grip on the bag, willing myself not to yell, but it came out anyway, my pain being a catalyst to my anger. “How could you do that to me?! You swore you’d never cheat on me.”

  “I didn’t cheat.” She headed for me, holding her hands out, the same hands that had been touching Eric.

  “Don’t touch me, you liar!” I yelled, backing up.

  She stopped, her expression devastated, but she couldn’t be, because she’d chosen him over me. I was the one who supported our family, worked hard while she pottered away at her writing. I hated the time it took her away from me, hated that I had to hold in so much anger when she ignored me for it, but I did it because I loved her. Then she did this to me? It hurt beyond compare.

  “You can deny it all you want,” I spat, “but I saw that text, saw Eric fucking you up against the cabinet.”

  “He wasn’t fucking me, he—”

  “Like hell he wasn’t!” Having heard enough of her excuses, I turned and headed for the back door, unable to be around her. I opened it, feeling her hand on my arm, her voice pleading with me that she didn’t cheat, that the picture didn’t show what really happened. She started crying, her words becoming blurred by her tears, making it impossible to understand anything she was saying.

  I jerked my arm away from her and spun around. “He was fucking naked!” I yelled, getting more and more worked up that she was trying to play me. This wasn’t the Kelly I loved—still loved, this was someone else. A lying cheat, who didn’t give a fuck how she’d torn my heart out.

  She shook her head, making me realise I was speaking out loud. “I didn’t do it!” she screamed. “He forced himself onto me!”

  “Don’t lie! You were kissing him back.”

  “I was not!”

  “You were, and remember what I said to you when we were teenagers?” I breathed out, knowing this was it—the end of our marriage. “I said if you cheat on me, no matter how much I love you, I will leave you.” I turned away from her and headed around the house, the promise I’d made to her all those years ago now coming to fruition.

  27

  KELLY

  I didn’t run after Tom, I just stood there, knowing no matter how much I cried or begged him to believe me, he wouldn’t come back.

  But, I didn’t cheat.

  He just thought I had.

  Though, the result was the same: I’d lost him.

  For the second time in my life, I went into a stunned state of disbelief. I could hear his engine start up, but instead of trying to stop him, I walked back inside, unable to cope with what was happening. I stared at my surroundings as though they weren’t real: the mess on the floor, the clothes on the couch, the paintings on the walls... I’d only felt like this once before, after I’d miscarried my second pregnancy. I had known something was wrong with that pregnancy, but never suspected I would lose my child. I had walked out after the ultrasound in disbelief—alone, like I was now, with no support, only heartbreak holding my hand. I’d lost my child, which was a part of me. Tom was a part of me too, had been for twenty years, and now I’d lost him as well.

  I walked into our bedroom, finding the mess he’d left behind, no doubt from packing his bag. I picked up one of his shoes that he’d obviously decided he didn’t want, a pair I’d bought him. Without thinking, I threw it at the wall, yelling out in anger and pain. “I didn’t cheat!” I screamed, although it felt like I had. I should never have slept with Eric. I may have lusted after him, but I loved Tom, always had. I just didn’t realise how much a physical part of me he was until now.

  I sat down on the bed and yelled out again, angry with life, furious at everything in it. I continued yelling, wanting to get all my roiling emotions out. “I didn’t cheat!” I screamed. “I didn’t fucking cheat!”

  My phone started ringing in my pocket, snapping me out of my screams. With tears rolling down my face, I clicked it on. There was no thought involved, just an eerie surreal quality wrapping itself around me like it had after my miscarriage.

  Eric’s voice came over the line, a barrage of words assaulting my ears: “Did Tom get the text?” “Have you seen him?” “What did he say?” “Kelly, are you there?”

  “Leave me alone.” I hung up. My hands began shaking, the dawning realisation that I’d almost been raped hitting me all at once. I’d been too caught up with getting to Tom that I hadn’t fully grasped what Eric had done. But he’d stopped just short of it, his drunken state of mind probably confusing him into thinking it was consensual... No! I was making excuses for him. Even though he’d begged for forgiveness, he’d still tried to rape me.

  The shakes moved down my body, my mind unable to handle Eric’s actions or Tom’s misunderstanding over it. I felt like I was being punished twice, the two men I cared for both hurting me. And I did care for Eric, which was why I didn’t attack him when he had assaulted me, just using my hands and voice to get him off me.

  And Tom. I’d told him that Eric had tried to force me, yet he’d called me a liar. He had been enraged with me, not Eric, all that anger directed my way. I’d never seen that before—until now.

  My phone went off again. I clicked it on without thinking. “Please, Kelly,” Eric said, “I didn’t mean for this to happen. Please forgive me.”

  “You tried to rape me!”

  “Oh God, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking, I was drunk, still am.”

  “That’s no excuse.”

  “I know, I know. I didn’t realise what I was doing, I didn’t realise how I was upsetting you. I thought you wanted it.”

  “I didn’t!”

  “That’s why I stopped when I realised. Your shout stopped me. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world, I love you.”

  “You can’t love me!”

  “I do, oh God, I do. Please, Kelly, please forgive me.”

  “Tom left me! You caused that, Natalija caused that.” I let out a sob, my kids coming to mind. “What am I going to tell my kids? What am I going to tell Nicky? She’s still vulnerable.”

  “I’ll come over.”

  “No! I don’t want to see you ever again!” I hung up and flopped back on the bed, unable to stop the flood of tears.

  ***

  I couldn’t bring myself to tell the children that their father had left. Instead, I told them he had to get away for a few days, hoping I could make Tom see that I hadn’t cheated, so he would return home.

  I got out of my car and walked up to his office, praying he was there and not working on the house. I needed to talk to him in private, not where his employees could hear us. I opened the door without knocking, finding Tom’s best friend and business partner behind the desk. Dillon glanced up from some paperwork as I stepped inside. The man looked more like a member of a biker gang than a businessman, with his casual clothes, messy blond hair, and goatee.

  I closed the door behind me. “Where’s Tom?�
�� I asked, knowing Dillon would’ve been told what had happened.

  Dillon sneered at me. “Signing the contract to work in Tauranga so he can get away from you.”

  I inhaled sharply, my chest hurting. “He got the contract?”

  “Yes, which means you can fuck whoever you like without him getting in your way.”

  “I’m not fucking around!” I snapped, unable to rein in my temper.

  Dillon’s blue eyes flashed at me. “Tom saw picture proof, so piss off.”

  “He saw wrong. Eric forced himself onto me.”

  Dillon sniffed. “I’m not interested in your lies, nor is Tom, so why don’t you save him even more pain and leave before he returns.”

  “I’m not lying! Eric was drunk and accosted me. I tried to push him away.”

  “Tom said the prick was naked.”

  “Because, when I went over to arrange the book tour, he’d just come out of the shower,” I said, giving him an abbreviated version of the story. “He was drunk and wouldn’t take no for an answer. That bitch Natalija took that photo because she was pissed off with Eric. She also said she was going after Tom.”

  Dillon frowned. “You’re bullshitting me just to get to Tom.”

  “No! I mean it. I love Tom, not Eric. I wouldn’t cheat on him.”

  Dillon continued to stare at me, looking like he was trying to work out whether I was lying or not.

  “I swear I’m not lying, Dillon. You’ve known me all these years. I’m not like that. I didn’t even want to go to that damn club, Tom did.”

  Dillon’s frown deepened. “You still instigated that threesome.”

  I went still, shame making me pause. “Tom told you about it?” I finally said.

  “Yeah, he didn’t like having to watch another man fuck his own wife.”

  My heart tugged painfully. “I didn’t like it either.”

  “You were the one being fucked,” Dillon snapped.

  “He said he was fine with it.”

  “He lied. He didn’t think he could say no, since he was the one who suggested going there. He just never expected what happened.”

  “If he had told me, I wouldn’t have done it. It was weird, it didn’t feel right.”

  “It felt like cheating, didn’t it?”

  “Get it into your head that I didn’t cheat! And what about you? You bloody recommended the club.”

  “Julie didn’t fuck any other men.”

  “Did you fuck other women?”

  His jaw tightened.

  “You did, didn’t you? Was it a threesome?”

  He nodded.

  “So, you’re judging me when you did the same thing?”

  He breathed out. “I didn’t see the woman again. It was a one-off.”

  “I never went after Eric, he contacted me, made me think he wanted to publish my books.”

  “Obviously he was just doing it for a fuck.”

  “He gave me a million dollar contract!”

  “An expensive fuck.”

  “He wouldn’t have done that for sex.”

  “I looked him up, he’s a billionaire. You can’t tell me that a million dollars to him would be the same for us.”

  “He’s a billionaire?” I said, surprised.

  Dillon pulled a face. “Are you kidding me? You didn’t know?”

  “No. I knew he was wealthy, but a multi-millionaire at the most, and he said it was the shareholders’ money I was being paid with.”

  “I say he’s a lying douchebag who thinks he can buy you.”

  “I can’t be bought.”

  “Then why do you keep going back to him?”

  I wiped my eyes. “I work with him, business only.”

  “Tom told me about that foursome, and the swap.”

  “For Christ’s sake! Stop judging me. Tom and I both went there together.”

  “Then why did you go see that prick yesterday?”

  “To finish off the arrangements for the book tour.”

  “Or a fuck.”

  “Stop being a bastard! I didn’t cheat, and if I could turn back time, I wouldn’t have gone to the club.”

  “Even if it meant losing that contract?”

  “Yes!” I cried. “Tom’s more important than all the money in the world.”

  “Then turn down the contract.”

  “I’ve already signed it.”

  “Tell this rich prick you’ve changed your mind, and that you can never see him again.”

  “If you think that will save my marriage, I’ll do it.” I pulled out my phone and dialled Eric’s number, my gaze firmly fixed on Dillon.

  Eric picked up after a few rings. “Kelly?” he said, his voice making me hesitate for a moment. “Can I please see you?”

  “No, and I want out of the contract.”

  “What?”

  “The contract for my books, I want out.”

  “That’s ridiculous talk. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Just because you’re mad with me doesn’t mean you should throw this opportunity away.”

  “If I turn it down and never see you again, I might get Tom back.”

  “Or you might lose Tom and ruin your career. Please think this through.”

  “I have. I’ll do anything to get Tom back.”

  Silence answered me. I knew I was hurting Eric, but I meant it: I would do anything to get Tom back. Plus, I shouldn’t feel sorry for him after what he’d done to me.

  Eric finally answered. “You don’t need Tom. I can be everything he is, plus so much more.”

  “No, Eric. I’m married and I want it to stay that way.”

  “I would make you happier.”

  “Tom makes me happy.”

  “It doesn’t appear that way. I know it’s hard to let go of a relationship even when it’s going wrong. I held onto my first marriage for much longer than I should have, but I eventually had to let go, like you have to let Tom go.”

  “No! I love him. Why can’t you get that into your head?”

  “Because I love you.”

  I breathed out, his words dulling down my anger. I didn’t understand his fixation on me. It had taken a while for me to fall in love with Tom. Yeah, I liked him a lot in the beginning, but I’d gotten to know him before I said those words, whereas Eric hardly knew me.

  “This is just a twisted infatuation,” I said.

  “No, it’s love. I need you, Kelly. Please don’t do this.”

  I went silent again, just staring at Dillon, who was watching me intently.

  Eric continued, “I will do anything for you, whereas all Tom’s doing is running. If you ever cheated on me, I’d give you another chance.”

  “I didn’t cheat!” I snapped. “You forced yourself onto me.”

  “I apologised for that.”

  “Not to Tom.”

  “I don’t give a shit about Tom! I love you! I want you! And he’s in my way.”

  “You can’t love me, because all you’re doing is ruining my life.”

  “I’m not trying to ruin it, I’m trying to make it better, and don’t tell me what I feel. I’ve only told three women in my life I loved them. I loved my first wife, but was too young and stupid to make things work, then I found my second wife. I loved her with all my heart and soul, yet death stole her from me. You’re my final chance at happiness. I haven’t felt like this about anyone since Victoria. Please reconsider. You will always have a place to stay with me, you will always have loving arms to hold you, and a man who will never judge or put down your passion for writing. I will help, not hinder you like Tom did.”

  “He didn’t put me down; he supported me when I was fucking useless.”

  “He made you feel useless, but you’re not, you proved that with your writing. He doesn’t have the same faith in you as I do.”

  “I haven’t proved myself to him.”

  “If he took the time to read your books that would be enough proof. He doesn’t love you like I do.”

  “I’m s
orry,” I said, now unable to stop from crying, Eric’s words hurting me. “I need Tom. I’ve loved him since I was a teenager.”

  “And I’ll love you until death takes me.”

  “People don’t talk like this after knowing someone for such a short time.”

  “When I first set eyes on your lovely face, I knew I could easily fall in love with you.”

  His words struck me, the line so similar to what Tom had told me as a teenager. I breathed out, unable to handle talking to him anymore. “I’m sorry, please destroy the contract.” I hung up, feeling even more wrecked than before. Eric may have dazzled me, but I was thunderstruck by Tom, a word I fully understood now.

  Dillon frowned at me. “What was that about?”

  My phone started ringing. I turned it off, knowing it would be Eric. I pocketed it and wiped my eyes again. “I had no idea Eric loved me.”

  Dillon shook his head. “You were always clueless. You don’t see what’s happening around you, how you affect people. You shut yourself off in your own little world and forget about others.”

  “That part’s not true. I look after my family.”

  “Maybe your kids, but not Tom. He often comes to my place looking shattered, telling me you’re more in love with writing than him, and that when he tries to spend time with you, all you want to do is play on your computer.”

  “I’m not playing, I’m writing.”

  “It still leaves him feeling unloved. He never thought another man would steal you from him, he thought your writing would. That’s why he hated it so much. It was like another lover, someone you loved more than him.”

  “I was trying to make a living. I was trying so hard.” I screwed up my face. “But no matter what I did, it was never good enough.”

  “Tom never thought he was good enough for you.”

  I jabbed at my chest. “I’m the one who’s not good enough. I can’t keep a job, and I waste our money on my books—until now, but obviously that wasn’t for my writing,” I said, upset that Tom had been right, that I’d only gotten the contract because Eric wanted sex. “Tom does so much for the family. He does everything for us. I’m the disappointment, not him.”