by Beck, J. L.
I hate myself a little more each day. I’m alive. I get to go to classes. Get to experience life, fall in love, get married, have kids. I get to do everything my sister never got to. My chest aches so badly it feels like something is trying to rip its way out, and the only way I can stop it is to get some more to drink.
There should be another bottle around here somewhere, but I don’t remember where I hid it, so I start digging through the room, opening every drawer, every cabinet. Aimlessly, I tear the room apart, looking in every nook and cranny, getting more aggravated by the minute, the longer it takes me to find it.
Spinning around quickly, I knock over a side table, another surge of anger grips me, sinking its claws deep into my flesh. Fury overtakes me, and I kick the stupid table. The flimsy piece of plywood fly’s through the air and crashes into the door with a loud bang. I’m too far gone to care though.
When I finally find the bottle of wine tucked under my bed, my dorm room is ripped to shreds, kinda like my heart, right now. Tattered. Bleeding. Broken. Ignoring the destruction entirely, I settle down on the bed, and unscrew the wine bottle, and start taking big gulps. I’m so enthralled by the alcohol that I almost miss the knocking at the door.
Annoyed by the interruption of my self-pity, I stomp to the door, and rip it open with an angry, “What?” The word gets caught in my throat when I see who is standing in front of me.
Shit. Fuck. I’m so fucked.
“Ms. Kline,” the dorm monitor scowls at me. It’s the same lady who wrote me a warning just yesterday. Her gaze drops to the wine bottle in my hand before she leans over to look past me, and into the room. “Pack your things. You are expected to leave the premise immediately.”
“You can’t….” I’m floundering, mouth gaping open like a fish caught on a line, “I have nowhere else to go.”
“I guess you should’ve thought about that before you decided to break the rules. This isn’t high school, and we’re not your parents, Ms. Kline. We will treat you like an adult here because you are an adult.”
Like a small child, I feel the need to stomp my foot and throw a tantrum, scream that I don’t have parents anymore, but even I know that won’t change anything. I’ve broken the rules and just like everything in my life, I will now have to live with the consequences.
“Whatever,” I growl, heading for the closet. I’ll just have to find a new place to stay. How hard can that be? I find my suitcase, and head over to the dresser stuffing my clothing inside of it, I throw a few more of my belongings haphazardly inside until it’s full, then, I zip it up. Grabbing my backpack on the way to the door.
“Anything else I will have your roommate package up for you.”
“Thanks...” I wait for her to move, and when she does, I bolt from the room. Halfway down the hall, I hear a cackling from a group of girls. I don’t know why since I’m already in a heap of bullshit, but I turn around and look at them. Arabella and the slut barbie brigade are standing there laughing at me, while I’m forced to leave the dorms.
“Buh, bye.” One of them taunts, waving goodbye.
“Bitches,” I mumble under my breath as I descend the stairs, pulling the suitcase down the stairs behind me carelessly. I’ve got more important things to think about right now.
Like where the hell I’m going to sleep tonight?
75
Sebastian
The last week has been just as bad as the week before, if not worse. Lily is now the last thing I think about at night, and the first thing that pops into my head in the morning. Her beautiful features are engraved in my mind. I find I even yearn for the way she smells, but most of all, I dream about holding her again, feeling her in my arms the way I did last week. I want that, her, all of it, so badly, I can feel the want and need burning through my veins.
Gripping the steering wheel a little tighter, I will the thoughts away and try to concentrate on the road ahead of me. There isn’t much to focus on though. I’ve taken the short drive from campus to my house so many times, I could probably drive it blindfolded.
Reaching over to fiddle with the radio, I turn on some music, hoping for a welcome distraction. I only glance down to find the button for a second, but when I look back up, I notice a petite figure walking on the sidewalk, pulling a suitcase behind her.
Hmmm. I almost pass the woman, but quickly realize that her body looks very familiar. The way she walks, the curves of her figure, and the way her hips sway slightly with each step. It grips me.
Is that Lily?
No, it can’t be. Why the hell would it be her? Still, the nagging feeling won’t subside, so I slow the car down and pull over to the side of the road. I watch her approaching in the rearview mirror. She looks up and notices me in the car, stopping dead in her tracks. It’s already dark outside but even in the dim light, thanks to the streetlamp above us, I know it’s her.
What the hell is she doing?
Putting the car into park, I get out and attempt to rein in some of my anger. She’s standing there like her feet are suddenly glued to the ground. I walk around the car and head toward where she is standing. Our eyes meet, and like a thunderstorm blowing in, I already know this is a recipe for disaster. She’s been drinking. But that’s not what worries me the most. No, what worries me, scratch that, what terrifies me, is the overwhelming sadness that is in her eyes. I’ve never seen her so sad, so broken.
Her emotions are right on the surface, and it feels like I’m on a cliff’s edge, looking down. She wants to drop, but no way in hell am I going to let her.
“What the hell are you doing out here?” I ask, glancing down to the large suitcase she’s pulling behind her.
“I’m going to stay at the motel for a while,” she answers plainly as if that answer would be sufficient enough.
“What happened? Why are you not in the dorms? It’s late, and it’s not safe to be walking alone at night.” Her eyes fill with tears at my question. Shit. “Get in the car, you’re not staying at the motel.”
“Where will I stay then? I can’t go back to the dorms.” For a long moment, we just stare at each other. Where will she stay? I don’t even care about what she’s done in that instant. I just need to get her safe.
“We’ll figure everything out. For now, just get in the car, so we can go to my place. You need to tell me exactly what happened when we get there, so I can fix it… and I don’t just mean the dorm thing.” I don’t need to explain anymore. She knows exactly what I’m referring to.
Nodding, she starts to walk toward my car. Her shoes drag across the sidewalk, and I grab her suitcase from her hand, and open the trunk, depositing the heavy thing inside. Obviously, this isn’t a temporary situation. When I reach the driver’s side of the car, she’s already inside and buckled.
Slipping into the Jeep, I put it into drive and start toward the house. Now that we are confined in the small space, I can smell the alcohol on her, confirming that she’s been drinking again.
Lily shifts uncomfortably in her seat. “Should you really be doing this? I don’t want you to get in trouble for being seen with me in public.”
Her dig at me doesn’t go unnoticed, but I ignore it, deciding she’s probably had a bad enough night already.
“Helping a student isn’t going to get me in trouble. You have nowhere else to go.”
“I can get a hotel room for a while. They rent by the week, and a bunch of other students do it.”
“Oh, yeah,” my eyes dart between her and the road. I’m angry and sad, but the anger takes precedence right this moment. “And how do you plan to get to and from classes? Are you going to walk?”
She crosses her arms over her chest, and looks away, “I’ll do what I have to do. I’m sure some guy at the hotel would give me a ride. At least I can be seen with him, and don’t have to remain hidden.”
What does that mean? I don’t understand. Surely, she isn’t implying that she would use her body, is she? If she is, I swear to god things are going to end badl
y.
“What does that mean?” I ask, trying to hide the anger in my voice.
Her shoulders rise and fall in a shrug, and I swear if my hands weren’t already strangling the steering wheel, and I wasn’t driving a car, they may very well be wrapped around her delicate little throat.
“If you asked me to get into the car just so you could lecture me, you can let me back out. My grandparents are going to flip enough as it is when they find out. I don’t need another parent giving me the tenth degree.”
“I’m not going to lecture you.” My voice softens as I speak, “I don’t care about what happened. All I want is to make sure you’re okay, and that you have somewhere that you can stay. Somewhere that I know you’ll be safe and able to manage to get back and forth from classes.”
Pulling into the driveway of the house, I put the Jeep in park and kill the engine. Lily doesn’t make a move to get out, and I itch to take her into my arms and make all the hurt disappear from her face. It would be so easy to replace that pain with pure bliss.
“Let’s… let’s go in,” I clear my throat, and adjust my already swollen cock while climbing out of the vehicle. This is a bad idea, the worst I’ve ever had. Way to go, Seb. I keep saying that but, I keep doing the same shit. Bad idea after bad idea. I’m just stacking the shit up like cordwood.
Grabbing her suitcase from the back, I walk around and meet her at the front of the car. Her eyes are cast down at the ground, and all I want to do is tip her chin upward, and tell her everything is going to be okay. But is it really? Will it all be okay? The reality is nothing has been okay for a really long time. Not for me, and apparently not for her either.
“Come on. I’ll make us some dinner. You can take a shower and then we’ll talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” Lily kicks at the pavement.
“There’s plenty, now get inside.” I don’t know what compels me to do it, but I grab her hand and start walking toward the front door. Strangely, she follows, either because she doesn’t want to lose my grip, or she decides there’s no point in fighting me on it. Pulling my keys out, I unlock the door and shove it open.
I walk her to the couch and make her sit. Her face is almost stoic like she is trying to hide her emotions from me. When I let go of her hand, my own feels empty and cold.
“I’m gonna make some food. Just relax, unless you want to take a shower. You are more than welcome to. It’s that’s way,” I say pointing down the hallway. “Clean towels are in the cabinet next to the sink. I’ll be right back,” I tell her, before heading into the kitchen. I decide on frozen pizza, and while that’s baking in the oven, I cut up some veggies and toss a salad.
The entire time I’m cooking, I try to figure out how I’m going to talk to her, and what exactly I’m going to tell her, but come up empty. By the time I’m carrying two plates to the living room, I’m no closer to a solution than I was twenty minutes ago.
It looks like she hasn’t moved an inch, she’s still sitting in the exact spot she was when I left. Handing her the plate, I take the seat next to her, being careful to leave enough space between us, so our thighs don’t touch. We both start eating, and I am more than glad she eats vigorously without needing to be prompted. She needs to eat, and not just because she’s been drinking, no, she’s so thin and could probably use some hearty meals here and there.
Finishing first, I set my plate on the table in front of me and lean back on the cushions. Lily does the same with her plate but remains sitting in the same position she’s been in since she got here.
“What happened?” I ask.
“It’s nothing that you can fix. I let everything get the best of me. I’m homeless with no job, nothing.” Before I can say anything, she buries her face in her hands. She’s falling apart, and I need to be the glue that keeps her together.
Inching closer, I say, “You’re not homeless, and you’re not alone. Maybe I can’t fix it, maybe I can. I don’t know because you won’t tell me.”
“The dorm has a no drinking policy. I was caught with wine twice now, this time was after being issued with a warning.”
Fuck. “Shit, Lily… I don’t really deal with the housing people. I’m not sure if I can fix that.” They’ve already given her a warning, what more can they do? If they let her back in, it’s going to look bad for the university, and if I stick up for her, it’s going to look bad for my image. Zero policy is zero policy.
“I told you, you can’t fix it.”
“That doesn’t mean I can’t help you though. We’ll find another place for you to stay.” I try and soothe her with my voice. Yes, she made a mistake, but this is college. Who the hell isn’t drinking in those dorms?
“My scholarship doesn’t pay for anything besides the dorm, and I can’t afford anything on my own. If my grades suffer, I lose the scholarship. I shouldn’t have to choose between an education and a roof over my head.” She sniffles, “Stupid wine and stupid bullies.”
“What do you mean bullies?”
“Nothing… girls being girls. She thinks I was hitting on her boyfriend… called me out on it in front of her friend. It was really not worth getting upset about, but on top of everything else, it just got to me.”
“We’ll figure it out. Don’t worry about it right now. In the meantime, you can stay here.”
She looks at me like she is trying to figure me out before she asks, “Are you sure?”
“Positive,” I answer without batting an eye. I know this is wrong, but I’m not going to let her stay at that motel.
She gives me a smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes, those are still filled with sadness. She breaks her gaze away and lowers her head.
“I’m not used to this,” she says, looking down at her plate.
“To what?” I’m a bit befuddled by her response.
“Someone taking care of me like this. I’m used to depending on my own.”
“What about your grandparents?”
“They tried their best, but it’s been hard on them… I’ve been hard on them. Every time they do take care of me, it comes with a good amount of guilt, so I’d much rather take care of myself. At least then I don’t have anyone saying if it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have that.”
“I’m sure they would get where you’re coming from if you came to them about this, about anything that you’re feeling right now.”
She turns to me, her eyes are red, and tears stain her cheeks. She looks like a broken angel, cracked straight down the middle.
“All I am to them is a reminder of the daughter and granddaughter they lost. When they look at me, they don’t see me. They see Amy, my mother, my father. They see an ungrateful brat that lived. My sister always was there favorite… now they’re just left with second best.”
“Stop it!” I snap, moving closer, because hearing her talk like that about herself, it tears me up inside. My heart aches for her. I can’t let Lily go down this path of self-destruction. I won’t.
“Why? You can’t tell me that when you look at me, you don’t see her too. That you don’t wish it was me that died that night, instead of her.”
Staring at her, I know I can’t lie. When I look at her, I do see her sister, but not because I see her as Amy, simply because she’s just as beautiful as her sister was.
Cupping her by the cheeks, I don’t think about what I’m doing, I simply act. Leaning in, I breathe her in, letting her fruity scent fill my lungs.
“When I look at you, I see Lily. Lily is alive. Amy is dead. Yes, you look like your sister, but you’re not her. You’re you, and I’ve come to realize that.”
She sucks her bottom lip into her mouth, and it looks like she’s fighting off tears. I don’t want her to swallow the pain down. I don’t want her to have to bury it underneath a mask of anger and resentment. I want it, every burning ounce of it.
“Let it out, Lily. Show me all your broken, ugly pieces, and I’ll help you put yourself back together. I’m not afraid. I’ve fou
ght my own demons, and I’ll help you fight yours.”
At my words, she crumbles. All her perfectly built walls start to fall. Tears slip from her eyes and trail down her cheeks. Emotions she’s probably held in for a long time, pour right out of her like an overflowing sink of water. Moving a hand to the back of her head, I bring her to my chest and let her bury her face there. Sob after sob punches the air, all pieces of me being rattled with the sound.
She cries for a long time, and I let her. Satisfied in holding her, I rub her back until the sobs become fewer and her whimpers quiet down. I keep holding her until the crying stops altogether, and her breathing evens out.
When I’m sure she is completely out, I shift her in my hold. Sliding one arm underneath her legs, I keep the other wrapped around her back. Picking her up, I carry her into the bedroom.
Careful not to wake her, I gently place her on top of the mattress before taking her shoes off slowly. Grabbing the corner of the blanket, I pull it up and over her, stopping only when I reach her shoulders. That’s when she opens her still swollen eyes.
“Will you hold me for a little while longer?” Her voice is small and fragile sounding, and even though my head tells me to say no, the rest of me is saying yes. I slip out of my own shoes and slide into the bed next to her. She scoots over a little bit, but not enough to leave any space between us. I wrap my arms around her, and she cuddles further into my side.
“Thank you… for everything. For being there for me, for helping me, and for saying all the things you said earlier. It really means a lot to me to have you…” She suddenly stops herself as if she is regretting the last part.
“You do have me, Lily. Maybe not in a way we both want, but you do have me. You don’t have to be alone anymore.” She cuddles into me even more, nestling deep into my body, and I welcome it. I’m greedy with need for her, for her soft body to be pressed up against mine, for her warmth, her intoxicating scent. I want it all. Before I know it, her breathing evens out, and I find myself drifting off to sleep as well. A smile tugs at my lips, and I realize that this is the first time I’ve smiled, actually smiled, in a long time. That for the first time, I’m not going to bed feeling completely alone.
