In At the Deep End

by Penelope Janu

  He says my name as if it has three t’s on the end.

  I nod. ‘Per.’

  ‘Please take a seat, Commander,’ Tan says. ‘Sit, Harry.’

  I take my sketchbook out of my backpack and flick through the pages, opening it wide on a picture of the kookaburra. I don’t usually mix pencil and crayon but the splash of blue on the kookaburra’s wings had to be captured somehow. He sat on the railing and stared back at me as I sketched.

  My pencil stills on the page when Per sits next to me and studies my profile.

  ‘We can start now,’ he says.

  The professor clears his throat. ‘Have you recovered, Harry?’

  I steady my breath. ‘I had nothing to recover from.’

  ‘Getting Lisa Toohey to play things down wasn’t easy,’ Tan says. ‘She had numerous ideas for a much bigger story.’

  I look at Per, and then back at Tan. ‘I bet she did.’

  Tan gives me a stiff smile. ‘Irrespective of what you think of the commander’s actions, they wouldn’t have been necessary had you briefed him appropriately.’

  ‘I didn’t have to—’

  ‘Let me finish. The weekend’s events reflected badly on you, and by extension the foundation. It’s been a difficult year all round, with the loss of The Watch, and lacklustre fundraising for The Adélie. The last thing we needed was coverage of you walking out of the bush sixteen hours late. Particularly with a foundation donor in tow.’

  I walk my fingers down the spiral binding of my sketchbook and count the rings. By the time I’ve finished, my breaths are a little more even. The men are watching me.

  ‘There is some good news,’ I say. ‘We have the use of The Adélie. For now, anyway. And I can swim, meaning I get to go to Palau for the first episode of the documentary series. That should generate publicity.’

  Tan looks from me to Per. ‘Commander?’

  Per shrugs. ‘She can swim, just. I still have fears for her safety.’

  My voice is remarkably steady in the circumstances. ‘The Adélie leaves in less than a month and I’ll be on board. Tom says it’ll take six days to get there. I’ll spend a day or two on shore. Then I’ll fly home to Drew. Most of the footage in Palau will be shot after I’ve left, but we’ve got our regular producer and film crew, and they know what they’re doing. We’ll put the footage together and do most of the commentary in Sydney.’

  ‘Only a week?’ Tan says. ‘Is it worth you going?’

  I jerk upright in my chair. ‘Yes! Because this is what we’ve been working towards. Finding a ship to replace The Watch. Fundraising. Swimming. Everything.’

  Tan makes a pyramid with his fingers. He won’t look at me.

  ‘You’re not going to like what I’m about to say, Harry, but hear me out, hmmm?’

  My voice wavers. ‘What?’

  ‘I don’t want another incident. The commander said he had fears for your safety.’

  ‘I don’t care what he said! I can swim. He knows that.’

  ‘It’s still risky—to you personally, and to the foundation should anything go wrong, particularly given our recent discussion.’ He raises his brows. ‘About your reputation and so on.’

  He’s bringing Drew into this? I can feel Per’s gaze on the side of my face again. I grip the seat of my chair to keep me in it. I force myself to speak slowly and quietly.

  ‘You promised not to say anything, Professor. You promised.’

  ‘For the time being. In the meantime, I don’t want to jeopardise our chances of turning people’s thinking around. I don’t believe you should go to Palau.’

  When I stand, my sketchbook slides onto the floor. My jaw is clenched so tightly I can barely get my words out.

  ‘This isn’t fair.’

  ‘Sit down, Harry.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘The change in plans will free you up to do other things,’ Tan says. ‘You could start by telling the commander what this is all about.’ He smiles at Per. ‘It may even encourage him to increase his involvement in the foundation’s activities.’

  Does he seriously believe Per may be more willing to help out if I’m not quite as incompetent as he’s been led to believe? Even though he’ll find out I’m even more of a liar than he thinks I am?

  ‘I’m not telling the commander anything.’

  Per stands, and leans down to pick up my sketchbook. He puts it carefully on the desk in front of me. Our eyes meet. He slowly shakes his head and sighs. He walks back to the window and looks outside. Eventually he faces the desk again.

  ‘Professor,’ he says, ‘will you give me five minutes? I’d like to have a word with Harriet. Alone.’

  I scamper to the bookshelves as Tan leaves the room. My hands are shaking so I stuff them into the back pockets of my jeans. But that pulls my T-shirt tight across my breasts. My nipples are taut. Surely breathing in Per’s scent when he picked up my sketchbook isn’t enough to arouse me? Not when I’d prefer to be anywhere else but here. I put my hands in my front pockets. That doesn’t feel right either.

  Per crosses the room and stands so close that I smell him again.

  His lip twitches. ‘Nervøst hoppeføll.’

  I stare at my feet.

  ‘Harriet? Do you want to know what I said?’

  I shake my head.

  ‘Nervous filly. You have the colouring of a palomino fjord pony.’

  I tighten my ponytail. But that emphasises my nipples again. I remind myself he would’ve had training in this—extracting information. Torture.

  ‘Don’t let Tan manipulate you,’ he says. ‘Tell me your secret. There can’t be much I don’t know by now.’

  ‘No. It has nothing to do with you.’

  When he rests his hand on my arm, it’s like the fire that’s been smouldering low in my stomach ignites. My breath catches. I shudder when I exhale. My breasts almost touch his chest.

  His breathing is unsteady as well. His hand moves to my neck and he strokes the fine hairs that always escape from my ponytail. When he dips his head it’s like the heat of his breath seeps into my bones.

  ‘Jesus.’ His voice is raspy. ‘You told me it’s over but … oh fuck, Harriet. It can’t be. Trust me.’

  I shake my head. ‘I can’t.’ I lied to a maritime inquiry—on oath. I falsified evidence. I neatly forged documents in Drew’s careful script. Per would never commit perjury. He’d be compelled to report someone who had.

  He runs his hands down my sides, lightly, using the tips of his fingers. He makes a sound deep in his throat. He rests his cheek against mine, buries his nose in my hair, grazes the rim of my ear with his teeth. My hands are pressed flat to his chest. I slip two fingers between the buttons of his shirt and touch his skin, warm like it always is. He holds my hand in place.

  ‘Fortell meg,’ he whispers. ‘Tell me.’

  Drew deserves protection. His reputation is all that he has left.

  When I shake my head and step back, Per clings to my hand for a moment, but then he lets it go. He drops his hands by his sides and opens and shuts his fingers. His jaw is tight.

  I take a deep breath. ‘I want to go to Palau. You more than anyone else know how hard I’ve worked to get there. You said I could go if I could swim.’

  He spins on his heel and walks to the window. He has his back to me but he turns his head to the side so I can see him in profile.

  ‘I said if Tan let you go on the ship even though you couldn’t swim, he had to choose between us. The final decision was always his. We assumed he’d support you going.’

  ‘You can threaten to pull out of Antarctica. To force his hand.’

  He turns, and frowns. ‘What?’

  ‘It would just be a threat. Of course you can go, whatever he decides.’

  He lifts his chin. ‘I wouldn’t make a threat I had no intention of carrying out.’

  I force my words past the lump in my throat. ‘The information Tan’s got has nothing to do with Palau. It’s not relevant to my ability
to do the trip. I’m not even a proper crewmember. I’ll just be doing the documentary, that’s all.’

  Per tips his head up to the ceiling. I’m sure he’s counting but I don’t say a word. I even hold my breath. Maybe he has a little faith in me?

  ‘I can’t judge whether the information is relevant or not if you refuse to tell me what it is. And I’m not going to stick my neck out for you when I don’t think you’re ready for the ocean yet. You were a mess only a few weeks ago.’ In two strides he’s standing in front of me. ‘Like the professor said—wait.’

  ‘I’ve been banned from your Antarctica voyage, and there’ll be no trips next year if we can’t raise more money. Please, Per, help me get to Palau.’

  His hands are still by his sides. His body is hard, immoveable, just like he is. He thinks he’s always right. He’s so frustrating and intractable he makes me want to …

  I punch him. Not with much force, because we’re standing so close that I can’t bring my arm back very far. His stomach is rock hard.

  Besides narrowing his eyes he doesn’t react.

  I punch him again.

  ‘Harriet?’

  ‘Everyone calls me Harry!’

  This time when I punch him he grabs my wrist with one hand and forcibly opens my fingers with the other. Then he dips his head. He kisses the base of my thumb, and trails his lips over my palm. He kisses the pulse at my wrist. When I let out a shuddering breath he releases me, and stares into my eyes. His are silver.

  ‘I’m not everyone,’ he says.

  There are tiny lines on the outside corners of his eyes. He has lost weight, just like I thought when I saw him on Monday. There are shadows beneath his cheekbones. I’m suddenly teary.

  ‘I’ve never hit anyone. I shouldn’t have—’

  ‘Or bitten anyone?’ He wraps his arms around me and kisses my neck, and then he nuzzles behind my ear. So many thoughts are running through my mind that I can’t get a single one out. I hate what he’s doing to my life. I like being with him. He smells nice. His breath is warm against my face. Occasionally he makes me laugh. He doesn’t know me.

  ‘I want to go to Palau.’

  He takes hold of my bottom lip with his teeth and tugs. When I gasp he lets it go and licks it. Slowly, and softly. ‘Did I hurt you? Beklager. Sorry.’

  ‘I know what beklager is.’

  We stare at each other. I touch his mouth. The tingling sensation in my fingertips travels down my arm and into my chest, and then it sinks lower and settles between my thighs. My fingers tremble. What sort of sorry do I want to hear from him? What sort of sorry does he need to hear from me?

  When our breaths are so sharp we’re almost panting he yanks me even closer. Finally we kiss. Our tongues push, our lips fuse, our teeth clash. His hands are rough and possessive. They move down my back and over my hips to my bottom. He lifts me so I’m barely on my toes. But then we hear footsteps outside, and he pulls back a little.

  ‘Harriet Hillary Amelia,’ he says, stroking my back. When he rests his cheek against mine his eyelashes brush my temple. He turns and walks backwards, pulling me with him. He leans against the door. Then he stands with his legs apart so we’re about the same height. He holds me still with his arms banded behind me. He whispers words against my mouth. I don’t recognise any that I understand, but it’s clear he’s asking me something.

  I pull back. My voice is hoarse. ‘What do you want?’

  His eyes are dark grey and inky, like the colour of the ocean at night. ‘I want you,’ he says.

  I want him more than I’ve wanted anything in over twelve years. But I’m tongue-tied.

  ‘Harriet? Do you want me?’

  I swallow. Shake my head. ‘It won’t work.’

  ‘So why do you kiss me like that?’

  I can’t look at him. ‘I’m attracted to you. But that’s not important.’

  He pushes me away, so abruptly that I stumble. My T-shirt is twisted at my waist and my hair is on my face. I tie it back while he watches. I touch my tender mouth.

  He walks to the window. Then he comes back again and grasps my shoulders. When I flinch he loosens his grip. ‘You have no idea,’ he says. ‘No fucking idea what’s important.’

  He blows his breath out in a long angry rush and rubs both hands around the back of his neck.

  When Tan walks in, Per stands to attention. ‘We’re finished,’ he says. ‘Harriet’s not going to Palau.’

  Liam and I are walking back from the beach on Saturday morning when I see Kat sitting on the top step of the deck. She’s wearing tiny denim shorts and a yellow strappy top, and her long pale legs are stretched out in front of her. My sketchbook is on her lap, and she’s flicking through the pages.

  ‘Jesus,’ she says. ‘Per said you were good, but these are awesome.’

  I snatch the sketchbook. ‘What are you doing here? How did you get this?’

  She flushes, her eyes wide. ‘Sorry, Harry. I was just looking. I didn’t know it was private.’

  It isn’t private. The sketches are being auctioned tomorrow afternoon to raise money for the school’s art scholarship program. I called Tan’s PA last night when I realised I’d left the sketchbook behind, and asked her to courier it out to me.

  Liam comes up behind me and undoes my wetsuit zip. ‘Easy, Harry,’ he mutters. ‘Don’t shoot the messenger.’ He grins at Kat. ‘Harry’s had her future put on hold. Her trip to Palau’s been canned, so she’s a little uptight.’

  Liam makes coffee, and the three of us sit side by side on the deck so we all get to face the ocean. I shouldn’t have snapped at Kat. It makes her determined to give me all the details of how she came by my sketchbook.

  ‘When you called, Per was still with Professor Tan,’ she says. ‘His PA couldn’t get a courier at that time on a Friday night, so Per said he’d sort it out. He saw me at the base last night. He was picking up his gear. He asked if I felt like a drive up the coast.’ She smiles. ‘Course I said yes. Hate shore leave.’

  ‘Didn’t you pick up a boyfriend a couple of months ago?’ Liam says.

  Kat frowns as if there are too many men to remember. ‘You mean party boy? That’s over. Suspected he was too good-looking to wait around. What are you doing this weekend? We could go out.’

  Liam shrugs. ‘Sorry, party girl. Can’t. I’m heading off to Byron.’

  ‘But you would go out with me otherwise, right?’

  ‘Sure I would,’ Liam says. ‘Give me a call when you’ve run out of good-looking men.’

  Kat strokes his arm. ‘You’re not bad for a doctor.’

  They’re only mucking around, but … Liam was with Rachael for a year. Kat liked party boy a lot. Shouldn’t they be just a little bit heartbroken?

  ‘Per shouldn’t have made you come all the way out here,’ I say. ‘If he’d contacted me, I would have picked up the sketchbook.’

  ‘But I wanted to do it.’

  ‘You obviously think a lot of P… Per,’ Liam says. He’s hiding a smile. I’m sure he’s only asked the question to get at me. ‘Why is that?’

  Kat shrugs. ‘He’s great. He doesn’t bullshit. That’s important. And he treats you the same whether you’re a seaman or an admiral. And he’s smart, athletic. He’s hot too. Fantastic body. Though we’re not allowed to say that.’

  ‘When will he be back?’ Liam asks.

  ‘He went to Darwin last night. He’ll be there for a few days, and then he’ll be on the Hudson, a US ship, for a couple of weeks. That’s why he gave me the sketchbook.’

  After Kat leaves, I help Liam pack. He’s spread most of his things on the sofa in the living room.

  ‘You going to miss me while I’m at Byron?’ he says. ‘I’ll be gone for weeks.’

  I throw him a pair of boxer shorts. ‘I won’t miss sorting your washing.’

  The kookaburra laughs. He’s been doing it quite regularly. ‘That bird’s in love with you. You know that, don’t you?’

  Liam shakes his head. ‘S
ince Rachael left me, I only have eyes for Polarman.’

  Rachael split up with Liam after he told her that he didn’t see them having a long-term future together.

  ‘You haven’t been moping so much lately. I think you’re moving on from Rachael.’

  ‘I didn’t realise how much I liked having her around.’

  ‘You can be friends again when she’s happily with someone else. She’ll pity you because you’ll be miserable and alone.’

  Liam could say he’s been living with someone like that since I got back from the mountains. But I must look too unhappy to tease, because he puts a hand on my head and roughs up my hair.

  ‘You okay, Polarwoman?’

  ‘Guess I’ll have to be.’ I sniff. ‘I miss him though.’ I look out over the deck to the sea, and then back at Liam. ‘I told him it wouldn’t work. I think I was right, wasn’t I? How can I be happy with someone who thinks I’m pathetic, who questions my judgement? He doesn’t trust me at all.’

  The Scott Foundation: Environment Adventure Education.

  Last week one of my students said he didn’t think that Roald Amundsen would have helped Robert Falcon Scott if he’d come across him on the way to the Pole. I believe Amundsen would have given Scott food, clothing, fuel, and maybe a husky or two. But he wouldn’t have done so without a lecture. Perhaps he would have said something like this:

  ‘Your motorised sleds were an accident waiting to happen. So were the ponies. My men and dogs are better prepared. I’m concerned for your safety. Go back to the Terra Nova. There’ll be other opportunities. Leave the Antarctic to those who know what they’re doing …’

  Harriet

  Within an hour of posting on the website, I get an email message from Per.

  Harriet. If you go into the surf while Liam’s away I’ll inform the professor you’re behaving in a way that puts the foundation’s reputation at risk. Another negative report from me and he’ll tell me whatever it is that you don’t want me to know.

  Your post pissed me off—as you intended it would.

  I’ll see you in a week and a half.

  Per

  CHAPTER