by Lisa Gerkey
***
“How are the nerves, bro? Not much longer until you’re an old married man.”
My brother, Jeff and I have always been close. Since my life is moving so fast with Staci, we’ve had little time together. We work at the tattoo shop together, but he’s always busy with his clients, and I have mine.
“Yeah, I can’t lie. I’m nervous. I bet it’s normal though.”
Jeff chuckles, but the look on his face is serious. He doesn’t think anything is funny.
“I’m your brother. I know you. All this shit happened too damn fast with Staci. Talk to me. Are you getting married because Jaycee broke your heart? It was the day after her wedding when you announced the engagement.”
I look around the little break room to make sure we’re the only two.
“Staci is a great woman. I’m sure I’ll fall in love with her. It’s just going to take a little time. It takes time to fall in love, doesn’t it? It didn’t happen overnight with you and Kat.”
“We see two different people when we look at Staci, little brother. You’ve hooked up with her off and on, so maybe you know her a lot better than I do, but being familiar with her pussy doesn’t mean you know her. I know where she comes from, and it’s nothing like you and me. She’s a spoiled rich girl, whether you want to admit that or not. No matter how good people seem, when they come from money, I have a hard time trusting them. As far as falling in love, what about the feelings you had for Jaycee? What about Jaycee’s sister?”
“I’ll always love Jaycee in my own way. I was never in love with her. She’s my friend, and nothing more. Kennedy… hell, I don’t know. I don’t know how she got me so twisted up from just one night. I think about her all the fucking time… She’s trouble, Jeff. Even if I find her, she’s got a lot of baggage, so many issues. She needs help.”
“You’re the king when it comes to helping people. If anyone can save her, it’s you, but you can’t worry about Kennedy because your wedding is coming up soon. Listen, you know what I think? You need to take time to sort your shit out before you make a mistake you can’t take back. Why don’t you go spend some time with Dad? I know how much you love Kentucky. If you’re there for a while, and you aren’t dying to get back to Staci, well, I’d say you need to go ahead and disappoint her before the big day gets here. One night away from Kat and I’m already losing my fucking mind.”
Jeff’s right. One reason I go to him when I need help, he’s always straight with me. Tells me everything I need to hear. He knows me better than anyone.
After I get my personal life taken care of, I want to sit down and talk with Jeff about our childhood. There’s a lot I don’t remember, maybe even a few secrets to uncover. I felt such a strong connection to the church and to Matthew Reynolds. I shrug it off every time, especially now, because I plan to take Jeff’s advice and go back to Kentucky for a few days.
“You okay if I take off early? I’ll have Kat rework my schedule for a few days. Maybe you can grab an extra client or two, and she can reschedule the rest.”
“We got everything handled here, Josh. Take care of yourself. If you need anything, you know how to find me.”
When I get to my apartment, Staci’s car is parked out front. I should be happy knowing my fiancé is waiting upstairs, but I don’t feel any excitement.
I enjoyed her when we spent time together at the club, but nothing about making her a permanent part of my life thrills me. I carry guilt because I continuously have another woman on my mind. I’m sure if I opened the internet, I’d find thousands of memes labeling me as a cheater because of the indecent thoughts I have about Kennedy, but I’m not. If I give myself to Staci, there’s no turning back. Kennedy will be nothing more than a memory.
I’ve barely touched Staci since we got engaged. It’s not that I don’t want to…
No. It is because I don’t want to be with her.
As much as I don’t want to admit it, the thought of dominating her or making love to her does nothing. I used to enjoy playing with Staci. She’s fun—submissive as hell in the bedroom and spunky as hell everywhere else. Until recently, sex with her pleased me. Staci should be perfect for me.
“Baby, how was work today?” She’s already on me before I close the door. I give her a quick peck on the lips. It’s expected, so I have to do something.
“It was long. How was your day?”
“Eh… I got wedding stuff done, but I spent most of the day in a meeting with my father. I could use something to help me unwind.” She grazes her hand across the front of my jeans and fumbles with the zipper.
“You know that’s a no-no, darling. You can have your way everywhere else, but what happens in the bedroom is mine to control. You know this about me.”
“I know, but it’s been weeks since you’ve touched me. I’m cool with letting you run the show and whatnot, but I’m desperate, Josh. Besides, we aren’t in the bedroom yet, so…”
“You haven’t done without, Staci. You went to sleep with your vibrator in bed last night.”
“It’s nothing like you, Josh. I want you. I need you to fuck me. I need to forget the shitty day I had with my father. I want it rough and hard. Make me forget everything.”
I’ll admit, her father is a jackass. I’ve had the pleasure of her parents’ company twice when we went to dinner. I don’t fit in with them. Jeff isn’t the only one who notices it. Staci assures me I’m everything she wants in a man. I don’t think her father agrees that I’m a good fit for their family.
“Staci, enough. I’ll give your pussy attention when I’m ready, and not a minute before. You’ll survive a few nights. In fact, you have no other choice because I’m going out of town.”
Staci grabs the back of my shirt when I head into the bedroom to pack my bag. I planned to wait until morning, but I can’t imagine spending a minute more cooped up in the small apartment with her. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I suddenly can’t stand it here.
“What do you mean you’re going out of town? Where are you going? We’re getting married in a few weeks. We have a lot to do, people to see. What about your bachelor party? I’m sure the guys can throw something together at The Grind.”
“You want me to go to a sex club for my bachelor party?” I turn around and look at her.
“Not like that, Josh. Grant doesn’t open the club during the week. You can do something on a… a Wednesday night. Have a private party with the guys. Play cards or something.”
“Is that what you’re doing for your bachelorette party?”
“Well… No… not exactly…” She whines and barely speaks, like she’s afraid to tell me the truth. “Father is flying a few girlfriends and me to Vegas for a couple of nights. We’ll travel from there to Kentucky for the wedding.”
This is the most Staci, and I have talked in two days. I’m not proud it’s turning into an argument. Just another reason I need time to think before I make the biggest mistake of my life.
Chapter Four
Kennedy
I wake up from the best dream to the nightmare sitting beside me in the driver’s seat. I’d give anything if I could experience that night in the alley once more, except I don’t want it to end with Josh being gone when I wake up. I’ll never have another chance to feel something so beautiful.
Jayson will ruin me. He’ll finish me. I know this for a fact. He won’t stop until nothing is left. I should put a stop to everything first. End it all right now.
The drugs have almost worn off. The shakes are coming back. I don’t want to do this anymore. I place my hands underneath me to stop the trembling. It’s not even hot, but perspiration gathers on my forehead.
“Jayson! Please don’t make me do this! I can’t… I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. Kill me. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Stop the fucking car, and I’ll jump off a bridge! Anything will be better than this.”
He grows sicker and sicker every day I spend with him. He’s on a mission, hunting his ex-girlf
riend, and from things I’ve already seen him do, I know he’ll stop at nothing. When he finds Lindsey, he’ll hurt her bad; punish her for running away from him. I’ve gotten a taste of how he likes to abuse women.
He knows where Lindsey is staying. That’s why we’re on our way to Kentucky. Even if I continue being his victim, it will change nothing. No one can save Lindsey, or me.
Lindsey ran away from Nashville after her friend, Emily, died. At least that’s what Jayson says. He wants to lure her into a trap. Now that she’s away from those in Tennessee who were protecting her, he stands a higher chance of getting to her.
Jayson told me how he met Lindsey when he moved into the house next door to her. She was young and innocent. Still in high school. She was awkward and didn’t have many friends, so that made her an easy target.
He manipulated her. Tricked her into falling for him. He not only stole her and her innocence, but he also claimed six long years of her life when he forced her to live as his sex slave.
“Shut the fuck up! I need to concentrate on driving this goddamn car to get us to a fucking motel where we can stay tonight. I’ll see about finding something to make you feel better, but you’ll have to shut the fuck up until we get there!”
Even though he’s driving, he backhands me. I feel blood trickle down from my lip. I can’t stand being tied to Jayson anymore. I have to end it. Stop everything.
I sweat profusely and my body trembles from head to toe. I know he has what I need in the console. I watched him put the needle and the drugs in there when we did our last hit. I need something.
Pills get me through sometimes, but the stuff he puts in my veins is much better. Until I’m forced to do without. Then it’s hell. The worst hell you can imagine. The withdrawals are a nightmare.
As long as I listen to Jayson, and I do what he says, I don’t battle the terrible symptoms too often. I’m tired of pleasing this sick man. I’m tired of everything.
I try to look past my blurry vision, the pain in my head, and nausea rolling through my stomach, to see the man in the driver’s seat.
Jayson is slimy looking. Dirty. I see only meanness and hatred in his eyes every time he looks at me. Not just me. That’s how he is with everyone. Probably how he looks at his own self in the mirror. One look and anyone can see he’s a drugged out criminal. Poor Lindsey. She dealt with him for years. How? How did she find the strength and the will to keep living? Not only that, she got away.
I wish I could be like her, but I can’t. I gave up trying to see a future for myself a long time ago. When my parents died, I died too. I still have a heartbeat, and I can still breathe, but everything else shattered in the car right along with Mom and Dad that night.
I look at Jayson, and I study how disgusting he is.
Is that what people see when they look at me?
Oh god, it must be. I’m just like him.
I slide my hand over my face. People used to tell me I was pretty. I was never full of myself and never cared what others thought, but my looks got me noticed when I was in school. The years of mental and physical torment from the drugs and the men, the monsters—changed everything on the inside, and out.
I’m as useless and worthless as Jayson. Even if I escape and can get away from everything, no one will love me. My sister, Jaycee, she’ll try for a little while, but then she’ll remember everything. She’ll decide her life is better without me.
Sooner or later, something terrible will happen, and I deserve it. I want it. I want to die.
Forgetting Jayson’s beside me, I sob uncontrollably. I remember the girl I was before everything changed. Five or six years may not seem long, but for me, they were a lifetime ago.
Jayson slams his hands against the steering wheel. I feel the car swerve a little, but he gets it under control.
“Goddamn it! You’re becoming a goddamn nuisance. If you can’t get your shit together, I’m gonna have to ditch you. Is that what you want? Huh? We both know I can’t let you live. You said you’d rather be dead. Is that what you really want? I can make it happen. I don’t fucking need you. A goddamn useless piece of trash. I’ll get Lindsey back myself. I’ll figure something out. She’ll slip up eventually.”
“Yes! I want to die! Make it happen! I don’t want to live like this anymore. Look at me! There’s nothing left. I can’t help you anymore. I can’t even help myself.”
He drives in silence for a little while longer and then he turns onto a narrow road. It looks like dirt or gravel. It’s dark and hard to see where he’s taking me. “Where… where are we going?”
He chuckles at my question.
“Your wish is about to be granted, sweet cheeks. You’re. Going. To. Die. Does it matter where? If I had to guess I’d say you’re going to hell.”
I close my eyes.
Something… A tiny little part of me, tells me to fight. A moment ago, I was okay with dying, but a small part of me, a small piece I’ve kept hidden, distill wants to live.
My life wasn’t always terrible.
Memories of my childhood flash through my head. I don’t bother looking when Jayson gets out of the car, and I hear him rummaging around in the backseat.
This is it. This is the end of Kennedy Powell.
I concentrate on remembering my past, my childhood.
I focus on images of Mom, Dad, me, and Jaycee, everyone always smiling and happy. Always loving and caring for one another.
My sister took care of me a lot when our parents worked. She was the best big sister any little girl could have. I turned against her after our parents died. I didn’t want her to take Mom’s place. I wanted my sister, my best friend.
Jaycee was older, mature. She set rules when I came to live with her. She reminded me nothing of the sister I had before she got married and moved away. Before Mom and Dad died.
The passenger door opens, and Jayson pulls me from the car. My legs shake. I can barely stand on my own, but he doesn’t care. He drags me with him. I whimper and cry, but I don’t open my eyes, and I don’t argue with him.
He wouldn’t listen, anyway. He’s done with me. I’ve burned too many bridges and hurt too many people, including myself. I’m done with me, too.
Maybe wherever I go, the pain won’t follow me. I’ll leave it all behind for Jayson to battle.
The earth crunches beneath us as we move… I promise myself I won’t look, but I can’t resist peeking through the darkness. We walk past several trees. The moonlight makes the branches and their shadows look creepy. The forest has a haunted look, like something from a horror movie.
I try to swallow the lump in my throat when Jayson suddenly stops walking and pushes me against a tree. The rough bark scratches and it burns as it bites into my flesh.
“This should be good enough. Strip.”
His voice is emotionless and cold. Deadly. I can’t see much with only the moon casting a faint glow.
“Why? Why do you want me naked?”
“Nuh uh, you don’t get to ask questions, but let’s just say it’s my modus operandi.” He throws his head back, exposing his narrow, tattoo-covered neck as he chuckles. The crazy, sick bastard is enjoying himself.
Jayson rips the thin blouse from my body. The buttons scatter on the ground around my feet. Then he pushes my back to the tree and drops to his knees to pull my pants down and removes them. When he stands back up, he slaps me hard with the back of his hand.
“I’m almost going to miss you, sweet cheeks. You know that? I’ve had good times with you. I enjoyed watching you work. Too bad, you’re burnt out and worthless now, huh?”
He grips my shoulders forcing me to turn around. The bark scrapes and cuts my body. I shiver from the chilly air, or maybe it’s still the drugs making me shake. Or, fear.
I hear his zipper, and then he slams into me. He wraps his long thin fingers around my neck. His grip grows tighter and tighter until my throat closes. I can’t breathe. I feel lightheaded and dizzy.
One. Two. Three… I c
ount.
When I was a little girl and couldn’t fall asleep because I feared the dark, Jaycee told me to count. She said the next thing I know, I’ll go to sleep, and when I wake up, I won’t even remember how far I counted. It always worked.
Four. Five. Six…
Chapter Five
Josh
Maggie’s putting breakfast on the table when I walk into the kitchen. Dad comes in behind me and gives his wife a big hug and kiss. Can’t say it’s something I need to see this early in the morning, but at least it gets me off the hook from having to talk to my new step-mother.
“Good morning, son. Did you sleep well?”
It was late when I got here. Dad let me inside and showed me to my old room. I didn’t sleep worth a shit with everything that’s on my mind.
“Nah, but it’s nothing new. I haven’t been sleeping much lately.”
“When is your fiancé coming? I look forward to meeting her.” Maggie asks while she pours Dad a cup of coffee.
“Not until a few days before the wedding.”
The silence is a little unsettling, more to me than anyone else, as we all pile food onto our plates. I can feel Dad and Maggie’s eyes on me.
“Joshua, I’ve asked this question before, son, but are you sure you’re ready to get married? Are you doing it for the right reason?”
I should ask him how the hell he knows the right reasons, but then I remind myself, he’s changed. He’s not the man I knew growing up. He seems happy now. Maggie seems content, so everything he’s told me must be right. I’m glad for them. Dad and I are getting to know each other again. Hell, not again, but the first time. Maggie doesn’t mettle between us. She has little to say. Makes it a little challenging to get to know her.
I’m glad I have Dad to turn to now. The only problem is I don’t know how to discuss my issues with someone else until I figure things out for myself. To do that, I need to get away from everyone for a while.
