Clusterf*ck

by Ash Harlow

  “They told me I’d be sent away to some juvenile detention center.” She gives a little laugh. “I believed them, and I never hung out with that lot again. I was just trying stuff out the way most teenagers do, and when the cops caught us, I was so relieved because I had an excuse to stop.”

  “Exactly. Thankfully, you scare easily, Ginger.”

  “I can’t believe you were so responsible in your mid-twenties, watching out for Vanessa like that.”

  I shrug. “Dad died and I had to step in to help Mom. Don’t worry, I was doing things for my brothers and sisters, too. Anyway, Vanessa eventually got into a relationship with a guy and the contact between us waned. We still caught up occasionally, but I didn’t like the guy, and he didn’t like me, so I stayed away. Vanessa was quite well set up by this time. A nice little house, a job, a car, and I think the asshole was using her. But her relationships weren’t my decisions so I backed away.”

  “Was this guy Rachel’s father?”

  “Yeah, he was. I suppose I hadn’t heard from Vanessa for about six months when I got a call from her. She wanted to tell me she was having a baby. She was so excited. We met for lunch the following week and she took me to a shop and showed me all the baby stuff she wanted to buy. Nursery furniture and that sort of thing. Then two weeks later she calls to say her relationship with the asshole father was over. He didn’t want children, so he moved on.”

  “Poor Vanessa.” Ginger’s voice has softened. “I wish she’d told us. The prospect of raising a child alone must have been really frightening for her.”

  “I guess so, but as far as I was concerned, she was better off without that jerk. The next time I was in Auckland, I took her back to that shop and we had such a great afternoon, buying all the furniture and clothes and stuff. I was up for the week so when it was delivered we spent a day putting together the flatpack furniture. Vanessa looked wonderful. She blossomed when she was carrying Rachel, and she was taking such good care of her health.”

  “Do you think she was happy at the prospect of being a mother?”

  “She was, Ginger. She intended to be the best mother she could.”

  “I’m glad she wanted Rachel, even if that father didn’t stick around.”

  “She had Rachel a couple of weeks early. I was in Waitapu. I’d hoped to be in Auckland to help her get settled back at home with the baby. She was over the moon. I don’t know much about these things but by all accounts the birth went well.” I pause. Shit. This next bit isn’t going to be easy. “What do you know about Vanessa’s death?”

  Ginger chews her lip and shrugs. “Nothing. I just know she got septicemia and died in hospital. I didn’t know anything about a baby.”

  “I don’t know how much detail you want.”

  “I want to know everything. Please, Luther, I feel sad, but you’ve filled in so many gaps for me tonight.”

  If I’m to have any hope of rescuing our relationship, I have to be completely honest with her.

  35 ~ GINGER

  Luther refills our glasses. I think this is taking as much of a toll on him as it is on me. He lived it and he probably doesn’t want to go through this next part again, but I need to know the full story so I can make sense of what’s going on.

  “Are you okay?” I ask.

  “Yes, I am. This next part’s going to be brutal, Ginger. Are you okay?”

  I nod. “Let’s do it.”

  He takes a long drink of his scotch and turns his focus to the fire. “The day after Rachel was born I got a call from the hospital. Vanessa had put me down as next of kin. They said Vanessa was unwell and wanted to see me.

  “Before I go any further, Ginger, I need you to know that I advised Vanessa she should allow me to contact your mother, but she flatly refused. And she was adamant that I couldn’t contact you because the burden of you having to keep everything about Rachel secret from your mother was too much to ask. She said we were speaking as lawyer and client, and that I had to respect the implied confidentiality.”

  “It hurts that my sister didn’t want me to know about her baby, but I understand where she was coming from, I guess.” I don’t, really. It hurts like a bitch, but I’m sure she felt she was protecting Rachel. I’ll just have to deal with it.

  “It was nothing personal against you, Ginger. She believed she was doing the right thing. So I turn up at the hospital and they inform me they’re moving Vanessa to the intensive care unit. I sat in the small ICU waiting room and I held Rachel as a doctor explained to me what was happening. Vanessa had a blood infection. Without a spleen her immune system was essentially hamstrung at fighting it off. They’d loaded her with antibiotics during and after Rachel’s birth in an attempt to prevent this from happening. By all accounts, she should have been fine. Unfortunately this was a particularly fierce infection and, short of a miracle, they felt they would lose this battle. When I was finally allowed in to see her she looked terrible. Her skin was mottled and, fuck, the fear in her eyes haunts me.”

  My eyes grow hot and I know there’s no way I can fight back the tears. Vanessa has been dead for five years, and I hadn’t seen her for twelve years before that. But, she’s my sister. I have memories of her and, in all honesty, I guess I’d just pretended she was away in Auckland all this time. Not really dead at all.

  “Are you okay? You’re not okay. Stay there.” Luther leaves the room and returns with a box of tissues and a soft throw. “Stand up,” he says. He pulls our chairs together in front of the fire, brings over a small table and puts the tissues and our drinks on it. He sits back in his chair with his legs on the chair I had been sitting in, and pulls me onto his lap. He wraps the throw around me and holds me close. “This is rough, Ginger. I’m sorry.”

  I grab a tissue. “I’m okay, keep going.”

  “The first thing she said when I carried Rachel in was that fatherhood suited me, and we both laughed. She wanted to draw up a will and make sure her wishes were legally recorded and understood. So, we set about doing that, swapping Rachel back and forth between us. I dictated notes and sent them off to be transcribed in the hope they would be back in time for Vanessa to sign before she lost consciousness. She was dying. There was no doubt about that.”

  I feel Luther take a long breath, and I take hold of his hand.

  “Her concern was Rachel, of course. She didn’t want her ex to show up and make a claim on Rachel or get his hands on the house and the little money she had saved. I drew up a trust for Rachel to lock away the assets, and Vanessa asked me to be Rachel’s legal guardian. Then she had the idea that if my name was on the birth certificate, her ex would have no claim whatsoever. I was more than happy to do that, especially as it would add a second layer of security for Rachel in the event that the documents weren’t drawn up in time for Vanessa to sign. We did get the documents back in time, and my name did go on the birth certificate. Vanessa was going to leave it as father unknown, but having my name there gave Rachel legitimacy.

  “Here’s the thing. Vanessa was adamant your mother wasn’t to know about Rachel’s existence, and that I was to keep Rachel away from your mother, and out of Waitapu. She became agitated when I tried to talk her around, and fuck, Ginger, she was dying. I had to promise her that her wishes would be respected.”

  We reach for our drinks at the same time. There’s so much to take in, and I have this image of Luther and Vanessa passing Rachel back and forth between them while they prepare a life for a baby and a death for its mother.

  “The last words Vanessa spoke were to Rachel. She told her how much she loved her, and how wanted she was, and then she slipped into unconsciousness. She was hooked up to all sorts of machines. On a respirator, IV antibiotics, but her organs were failing and nothing they could do was stopping that infection. They restarted her heart, twice, but she died just after dawn the following morning, with Rachel asleep on her chest.”

  “Fuck,” I say, reaching for more tissues. I’ve been trying to stem the flow of tears, but I can’t now.
And, why should I be ashamed of crying for my sister anyway?

  Luther holds me and strokes my hair as I cry. He makes comforting sounds, but doesn’t tell me to stop. Eventually, the well dries and all I’m left with is a nose and eyes that feel hot and swollen.

  “I made choices that night, Ginger, that weren’t necessarily the best ones, but I made a promise to a dying friend, and I had to keep that. Since then, I’ve continued to make choices, and one of them was to stay out of your life.

  “Fuck me, Ginger, you’re the sexiest, most adorable woman I know. I apologize for being such an asshole to you, but it’s the only way I knew how to fight the overwhelming attraction I felt for you, especially as I knew you felt the same way.”

  “And then I had to go and make friends with Darcy.”

  “You walked down the aisle at their wedding and I knew I was done for.”

  I’ll never forget the look on his face and the way he ran hot and cold all that night. Now I understand why. He wanted me as much as I wanted him, but the promise he made to Vanessa was pulling him back.

  “So, tell me about Jean? Where does she fit in?”

  “Jean’s an old client of mine. Her husband died a couple of years ago, right after her daughter and family shifted to the Gold Coast. Jean had been a maternity nurse so I contacted her about finding someone, temporarily, to take care of Rachel. It was always my intention to have Rachel come and live with me at some stage. I imagined I’d get married and that Rachel could come then. Instead, events conspired when Jean’s daughter became ill again and Jean had to move to Australia.”

  I actually laugh. “I’m imagining you, Luther, proposing to some woman and then, on your wedding day, producing a child out of thin air.”

  “Doesn’t matter now,” he says.

  I wonder what that means. “You were lucky to find Jean. I’m sorry about her daughter, but we’d never be in this place, now, if Rachel hadn’t suddenly come to live with you.”

  “You know, in my heart I wanted you and Rachel to meet, and when Oliver suggested you as the obvious choice for a nanny, I didn’t take a lot of convincing. I don’t know why I thought you’d never find out the truth if I had the two of you living in the house together. I think, subconsciously, I deliberately created this situation where you would find out the truth about Rachel and then I couldn’t do a thing about it. I hope Vanessa forgives me. The betrayal was with the best intentions.”

  “I didn’t even know Vanessa as an adult, but by the sounds of things, she just wanted the best for her daughter, and I think she got that. I don’t suppose you have any photographs?”

  “I do, but unfortunately they’re ones of Vanessa in ICU. Vanessa and Rachel. I have them in the safe at work because I’d hate anything to happen to them, but I’ll bring them home.”

  “I’d like that. The way I see it, we have a couple of things that need sorting out. One is what we tell Rachel, and the other is my mother.”

  “That can wait. First we have to sort out some dinner.”

  I roll off Luther’s lap. “I made something special. Slow-roasted shoulder of lamb. It’s been in the oven all day.”

  Luther puts his arm around me as we walk to the kitchen. “It smells amazing and sounds even better. How are you feeling?”

  “Pretty washed out to be honest. You?”

  “Much the same. You have no idea how I panicked tonight when you weren’t here when I returned home. I thought you’d been kidnapped. Then I saw Rachel’s birth certificate and figured you’d run.”

  “You have no idea how much I hated you when I read that birth certificate.”

  “And now?”

  “Jury’s still out.”

  “Ah, come on. Let me convince you.”

  “You’ve done a pretty good job, but I need time to take it all in.” I remove the lamb from the oven. “You carve, I’ll organize the vegetables.”

  36 ~ LUTHER

  We talked more during dinner as Ginger asked for smaller details, incidents, anecdotes. She was filling in the gaps of her sister’s life that had until now been a mystery.

  “We have to tell Rachel,” she said.

  “Yes, we do.”

  “You have to promise me there are no more secrets.”

  “That’s easy, there aren’t any.”

  I hold her in bed and trace the features of her face in the dark. She kisses my fingers as I draw around her lips.

  “I was so frightened today,” she says. “I didn’t realize how much the idea of losing you would break me.”

  “I felt the same. When I discovered why you’d left I wondered if the truth would be powerful enough to get you back.”

  “Let’s start over. A new beginning without secrets.”

  “We can’t,” I tell her.

  “Why not?”

  “You’re not a virgin anymore. We’re going to have to start from where we left off.”

  Her laugh is soft and it fills me with hope. After a taste of what Ginger, Rachel and I can have as a family together, I never want to let it go. It feels as though we’ve been heading to this inevitable place for years, no matter how hard I fought not to get here. Now I’m so grateful we made it to our destination.

  “Make love to me, Luther. I need you to.”

  I find a condom under the pillow and get it on in record time. I roll Ginger onto her back and her legs loop around me. The head of my cock slides through her wet cleft. She’s always ready for me, and I enter her slowly, feeling every inch of her. Buried as deep as I can go in her wet heat, I take her face in my hands. “We’re not done, Virginia Hough. Understand?”

  “I understand,” she says.

  “Say it to me.”

  “We’re not done, Luther Angstrom.”

  “Good. Believe it, and from now on, no second guessing. If you find something, or hear anything that alarms you, talk to me. No matter where I am, get in touch. If I’m in court, I’ll get right back to you during recess. There is nothing more important to me than you and Rachel.” I draw out of her and thrust back.

  “I get it,” she says, “but if you want to use your cock for emphasis again, that’ll help me remember.”

  It’s my turn to laugh. “I love you, Virginia,” I say against her mouth. “I meant that with all my heart when I said that to you earlier.” I take her breath into my mouth, and the words that come with it, when she tells me she loves me back.

  ***

  After breakfast the next morning we take a walk down to the beach at the bottom of the property. Anyone can use it, but it’s difficult to reach when the tide is high. Plus, it’s winter, so I’m hopeful we’ll have the place to ourselves. We do.

  Last night’s storm has passed over and the day is calm. We sit at the bottom of the boat ramp and there’s a gentle roll of surf almost reaching us. From here we can look over to Ahunui Island where Rachel is hopefully enjoying herself.

  “They’re having a bonfire over there tonight. I told Rachel we would watch out for it, and wave to her,” Ginger says.

  “We’ll have to do it, you know. She’ll check.”

  “She’s such a bright kid, that niece of mine. I still can’t believe it, you know?”

  I take hold of Ginger’s hand. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.” Her fingers tense. “I promised you there wouldn’t be any more secrets, so if I kept this to myself, I’d be breaking my word.”

  “Is it is as big as last night?” she asks, her voice tight.

  “Bigger, probably.”

  “Shit,” she says on a long exhale.

  “There’s this woman in my life, and she’s amazing,” I say. “She’s beautiful, compassionate, funny, and she completes my world. Apparently, I’m a bit of a grump, and I’ve got a mouth like a sewer, and I’m probably hot-headed, but when I’m around this woman, my mind quietens and all I can think about is her. All the stress in my life vanishes. She makes my dick hard, but that’s a positive side-effect. So, I was going to wait before I told her
all of this, to give her time to settle in and see if that crush she seemed to have on me was real, or if it would burn out once she got to know me.”

  I look at Ginger. Her cheeks are flushed and she’s blinking hard.

  “Wait. Are you crying?” I tease.

  “Luther.”

  I love the way she says my name like a warning when she’s annoyed with me.

  “I had to spend the week in Auckland, away from this wonderful woman and one night I was late calling her because I’d rushed from court to the jewelers to pick up something I’d seen which I thought would look amazing on her.” I pat my pockets. “Hang on, I think I’ve got it here. Let me show you.”

  I pull the ring out of my pocket. It’s a fat yellow diamond that reflects light even brighter than the sun on Waitapu Bay. Ginger gasps and, as I reach for her hand, I drop the ring. It bounces and falls through the slats of the boat ramp and onto the sand.

  “Oh, fuck,” I say. “Don’t move.” I commando crawl under the ramp in the wet sand as fast as I can to find the ring before the next wave rolls in and drags it away. It sits there, mocking me for being such an idiot and not proposing properly. I re-emerge holding the ring aloft like my own fucking Excalibur. “Quick, give me your hand before I lose it again.”

  “What are you doing?” she asks as I slide the ring onto her finger.

  “Proposing. Marry me, Ginger. It’ll be great, most of the time. I love you.”

  “This is fast, Luther,” she says, staring at the ring.

  “It’s not fast, it’s been years, really, hasn’t it? What’s the point in waiting? Let’s marry, and we’ll properly adopt Rachel so that she’s safe forever, and we can add another ten or so babies.”

  Ginger’s got her hand up to her mouth, and I tug it away. “Say yes.”

  “Yes,” she says, though she looks completely stunned. “I never imagined this, Luther.”

  “Your fantasies never ran to wedding bells? Mine did. I’ll tell you about my honeymoon fantasy. It’s filthy.”