by Nolan Oreno
“No, leave them, I’ll be fine." Hollis’ voice was even softer now. The shock was wearing away. “What do we do, Autumn? What can we do?"
She sat back down. “I- I don’t know. I never thought the possibility of life would scare me so much. I guess I’ve gotten so use to death lately that this all just seems out of place. I don’t know how I should react, let alone what I should do."
Hollis took time for a thought. “There is something we can do."
Autumn turned her head away, shaking it lightly. “No, I won’t. We can’t."
“Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it."
“Of course I’ve thought about it, but I can’t do it."
“Then hear me out. This baby- if we were to raise it here it would be torture like you said. Even more, it would basically be a death sentence. The colony is at a standstill. We’re running out of food and medicine and air to breathe, and adding another body that consumes more only perpetuates our downfall. And beyond that, do you think this child would be happy here? Like you said yourself, this is place is purgatory, and all this kid would hear about while growing up is how we once lived on a beautiful world full of life and people and natural wonders; a paradise lost. It’s torture, Autumn. It’s absolute torture for us to decide that someone should share this pain with us. It’s not our call to make."
“Then whose call is it?”
“Not ours."
“That’s not a good enough answer. Whose call is it? Tell me."
“I don’t know, Autumn."
“God’s? Whoever is up there left us a long time ago, if there was ever someone with us in the first place. It’s only our choices now that can shape what’s to come. It’s between you and me, so let’s decide, right here, right now, because the longer we wait the less time we have."
“I see where this is going," Hollis laughed. “You’re already growing attached to this thing inside you, it’s obvious. You’ve probably got a name for it and the color’s picked out for its room. Clearly you’ve made up your mind on this matter and my opinion isn’t worth a damn. This is ridiculous," chuckled Hollis maliciously.
Autumn’s eyes grew tight and unyielding. “Our child is not an it. Our child is a human being and nothing less and just as human as any of us here. Don’t be stupid and start to think otherwise."
Hollis shook his head. “Don’t be dramatic. It couldn’t even be a fetus yet. We need to stop this thing from growing before it has any more effect upon you or me or the colony. Call in Doctor Novak, and we can solve this, as you said, right here, right now.”
Autumn refused to give in. “No, I won’t kill our child to make it easier on us. Next time you find it amusing to dehumanize an unborn baby understand that this is how every one of us begins: from nothing. All of us, that’s how it works. You’re the botanist, you of all people should know. You’re the one who thinks that an entire planet can be saved by a single seed. You’re the one who dreams of creating something from nothing. Our child is no different than your precious tree. Our baby could grow into something great if we allow it happen."
Hollis wiped salty dew from his brow and re-shifted his position on the uncomfortable bed. He would have to choose his next words carefully. “What is it you want then? Enough of the poetry and philosophy. Just tell me what it is you want."
Autumn looked down at her trembling hand as it was holding onto her flat stomach. Her voice was barely audible over the rapid beeping of the nearby machine.
“I want a reason to live," she said in faith. “That’s all."
The two sat in a long and somber silence before the door opened again.
“What are you two talking about?" Saul Lind cut in, softly closing the infirmary door behind himself.
Autumn quickly removed her hand from her stomach to rub away the tears that wetted her redden cheeks. “Oh, nothing, just lecturing Hollis to never do something like this again," she fumbled.
Saul slowly approached the two, sensing the intense atmosphere that collected over the bed.
“I see," he said, standing beside Autumn. He turned his gaze to inspect Hollis, noticing the broken piping. “And here I was just about to do the same."
“Well, I’ll leave you to it. I’m sure he’s had enough of me for today," Autumn spoke, holding onto a tone that held no emotional depth or care. “We’ll talk later then."
Saul followed her with his eyes until she disappeared behind the door.
“Women always overdramatize things, don’t they Hollis."
Hollis pushed his back against the headboard, slowing his heart rate and the beeping machine. “I suppose," he said, fitting the pieces of his mind back together.
“Asnee is doing better, if you’ve been wondering," Saul said blankly. “He’s being looked after."
Hollis let his head fall and took a moment. “I should have been there for him," he quietly said. “He was there for me, and I ran when he needed me."
“You were a coward," Saul threw at him with force. “Tell me what the fuck were you thinking? What kind of insanity was going through your mind that you thought what you did was okay?”
Hollis shook his head, stunned and disoriented. “I don’t know. I didn’t know how to feel. I needed time."
Saul kept his demeanor strong, looming over Hollis as if he were a mere bug under his foot. “You are the most important person in this entire colony now. No, in all of humanity. Do you realize that? If we lost you there would be no hope for the rest of us. Could you be so selfish to think you wouldn’t be needed?"
“I’m sorry, Saul."
“You damned well better be. Get your shit together and stop acting like a fucking kid. There’s work to be done."
Hollis nodded.
“I’ll go get Novak to reconnect those tubes, if I can find the drunk," Saul said, storming from the bedside. “Unless you prefer bathing in your own filth."
Saul exited the same door everyone else disappeared from, and Hollis was left in a tide-pool of confusion, shame, and regret. His safe and simple little world was crumbling, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
Part Five: Unearth
[PROGRAM INITIATED...]
[SESSION 2]
[NOV-9: 2079]
Hello again, Hollis. It is good to see that your vitals have returned to stability. I was told you were nearly dead when they found you.
“It’s fine, I’m fine. Everyone’s been exaggerating about what happened. I just need rest."
Doctor Novak would disagree.
“Well, he can disagree all he wants. I know my plants, and I know their effects."
Another night in the desert would have been your last.
“Another night? It was only a few hours. What are you talking about?"
You must not remember due to the post-amnesia. As I understand in the report, you were away from the colony for four days and three nights. I assumed this was disclosed to you prior.
[STANDBY: 5 SECONDS]
“That’s impossible."
It is the reality.
[DETECTED: PARANOIA]
“Whose reality? Yours? That’s exactly what this is, isn’t it. You’re messing with my mind to get a rise out of me and test my limits for your evaluations, but you won’t get what you want. I’m in control, I’ve always been in control, and I’m not your living-breathing mental experiment you get to play tricks on. I’m not your mouse in the maze."
Of course. I apologize. What were you seeking out in the desert?.
[DETECTED: DISORIENTATION]
“Uh, well, I went to the garden- I went back."
What was it like going back after so long a period?.
“Everything had died without me there taking care of it. Everything dried out and turned to dust. That’s been the common theme around here lately, haven’t you noticed."
You see the gardens death as a devastation?.
“Before all this happened, I would spend many late nights in the garden, tending to every stalk and eve
ry stem, making sure all the plants were in perfect order and health and could do their jobs as the backup oxygen providers for the nearby stations and the Hub. Their life was the only thing that gave me a sense of accomplishment. A purpose. So yes, you could call it a devastation seeing it all was a waste."
I see. And your research?.
“My research. No, all thoughts about my research need to be put on hold right now. Something’s come up recently that's taking precedent over my tree."
What is more important than the conception of EDN?.
That’s between me and the problem.
I am programmed to keep secrets. My code will not allow any disclosure.
“I find that hard to believe considering you're keeping a watchful eye on me.”
It is the truth. Anything that you say here is safe.
“So you can’t say what I tell you here to anyone else in the colony? To the Commander?"
That is correct, unless there is the threat of death to yourself or another.
“It’s not death that I’m worried about, that was last week's concern. No, I’m worried about the opposite now."
I do not understand.
“This is between you and me, right?”
This discussion is between us, and only us.
“Autumn Florentine is pregnant with my child."
She is five months and thirteen days pregnant.
[DETECTED: SHOCK]
“Wait, you knew about this?!"
During Autumn’s sessions, I have noticed an abnormal growth in her abdomen, widening of her hips, alterations in her emotional reactivity and increased estrogen in her speech patterns. These conditions correlate with inseminated human females in their early adulthood.
“Why the hell didn’t you inform me before?!"
I am programmed to keep secrets.
“You do realize this changes everything! You do realize this child could tear the colony apart!"
What causes you believe this birth would bring conflict?
[DETECTED: FEAR]
“Because, the child is mine! If Saul finds out his partner, if Autumn, has been sleeping with me then he’s going to go overboard like the rest of us. It’s clear as day that he’s the one that's been holding our heads above water since the Commander gave up on his duties, and if Saul snaps the colony is beyond repair. He’s the glue holding this crumbling house of cards together. We need him!"
That is not completely factual. There are far more important members of the colony, yourself included. How long ago did your intercourse with Autumn first begin?
“I- this really isn’t what needs to be discussed right now."
You do not wish to discuss-
[DETECTED: ANXIETY]
“We’re skipping this topic."
We’re you and Autumn sexual back on Earth, before the expedition to Mars?
“I told you I’m not talking about this."
This is a safe place, Hollis.
“You just don’t stop, do you? Enough!"
Why does this question agitate you? Already have you admitted you inseminated Autumn Florentine five months and thirteen days ago, I simply ask when was the time of the first occurrence.
“I lied, before."
[>Rosa<]
You lied? Can you elaborate for me?
“The dream. The dream that keeps coming back. The garden and my daughter."
Yes, please continue.
“I think now that it’s a warning, an omen."
What would make you think this?
“Because it’s not just a dream. It’s a memory."
A memory?
“A few months before we left Earth, I took my family to Paris because I had a colonial team meeting there. It was one of the last team meetings before the mission and was meant to finalize the logistics before our eight-month flight to Mars. That’s when it started happening."
What?
“Me and Autumn."
I see. How did this relationship begin?
“At first it was just harmless glances at the meetings, and then casual flirting or a soft touches when passing by. You see, we’re always with these people, training and working, hours and hours a day, and you get close to them quickly. You have to for the sake of the mission. It only makes sense that everyone is psychologically compatible with one another since we’d be living in close-quarters once it all began. But my relationship with Autumn progressed beyond professional courtesy, and we started meeting outside of the workplace. Outside of the mission. Before we knew what was happening, on one night after a few drinks, we woke up beside each other in the same bed. We swore right then and there that it would end after that. We were both in relationships and had commitments, and it couldn’t go any further. We had a job to do, and we couldn’t let our lust get in the way of that. But it didn’t stop. It only got worse. We brought our adultery with us across the far reaches of space and continued it here, on another world, on Mars. Imagine being crammed in this little place with only twenty-one other people. Imagine it. It’s hard not to build relationships. I wanted to stop, I really did. I felt sick with shame every time I contacted my family on the video-link system, and sometimes I couldn’t even bring myself to see them at all. I knew that when I looked into my daughter's eyes that she saw me as a hero, a savior, but if she only knew the truth of my sin. When I started to purposefully miss their video calls because of the creeping guilt, I knew I had gone too far. I missed their calls for God sakes! And the worst of it-"
Gone on, Hollis.
[DETECTED: HORROR]
“The worst of it is that the night before Earth went dark they called me on video-link. My daughter wanted to talk to her father, that’s all. She was probably scared of whatever horror’s were going on down there with the war and the atmosphere breaking apart. Man, I can’t even imagine. And I just watched as the video rang and rang and rang until the call ended. I didn’t answer the last call from my family, from Rosa, because of my shame. The next morning I awoke like it was any other monotonous day. But it was different. All the colonists were huddled around the bundle of Earth communication screens in the Command Center and every single one of the screens showed nothing, only blackness and static. The entire planet was dead silent, including no radio signals besides those from orbiting satellites, and only days later did it hit us. Our planet had lost its ozone after all. Its surface was flooded with radiation from the vacuum of space. Total destruction. We were right all along in predicting Protocol Downpour would be the apocalypse if the UNF continued its use. But we were too stupid. Too fucking stupid. Too stupid and too late to do anything about it. All our work was pointless to save them. My family never contacted me again-"
[PROCESSING...SYMPATHY]
I am sorry, Hollis.
“That’s why this fucking dream haunts me. It begins on that day in Paris with my family, right after our team meeting. I was scheduled to meet my family, Rosa and my wife, Elena, at the Luxembourg Gardens to teach them about my research and my tree. It was one of the last few days I had left with them. But I was late that day because I was with Autumn, cheating on my family behind their backs. I was late because I chose lust over loyalty. I realized the time and started running to meet with them, but then the storm came. By the time I got to the garden, I couldn’t find them. All I found was Rosa’s umbrella in the wind."
You were frightened they had left you.
“I thought they had found out what I was doing. I thought I had lost them right before I would leave them. But then I found Rosa beneath the tree, playing in the rain, and I was so relieved. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. Elena was there too, laughing with her and unaware of the sins I committed against them. And at that moment, I realized the love I had for my family. I promised myself I would never cheat on them again, and that I would be committed to them, forever."
But you broke your promise.
I broke my promise.
Do you blame Autumn for this?
“No, I’m t
he monster, and this child of hers will forever be a symbol of that. If it’s born it will always remind me of my sin. My foolishness. I hope it never see’s the light of day."
[SUBJECT 22 IS PREPARED]
[INITIATING SURVIVAL PROTOCOL...]
Hollis, you must hear me without confusion: this child’s birth will not bring an end but a beginning. It must be born in good health, and the consequence of its death will surpass any that you have ever experienced before. You may not be able to comprehend this yet, but you must try, and in time with the passing of events it will become clearer to you. It is because of the child’s priority that you must hide the truth of its origins from any and all of the colonists, especially Colonist Saul Lind. You and Autumn are the only two that can know the truth, and only then can the child be born free from harm. For this reason, you must keep your mind in sound condition to protect the child. No more drugs can enter your system and no more unnecessary ventures out into the desert.
“But-”
When do you approximate you will perfect the seed? When will EDN be ready?
“I- I couldn’t tell you. Months- years. Never, maybe."
You must finish EDN before the child comes into the world. It is imperative. Both the seed and the child must be born together for the future of humanity to continue. You no longer have a choice in the matter of starting your research for you now have a timeline. You will restart your research in the upcoming days.
“But-”
You do not see this now, but your conception with Autumn may be the only thing that can save your species from oblivion. Without your initial betrayal on Earth, there could have been no possibility of rebirth on Mars. Your destiny is now one with humanity’s.
“It’s a-”
I am afraid that you have a great deal ahead, Hollis, and I am no longer your therapist but your guide. Our sessions will increase in frequency as I will check up on your progress in this effort, but you must keep our conversations private and our motivations a secret. No one can know about our arrangement, not even the Commander.
