by D T Dyllin
I flung my phone across the room. It thumped dully on the carpet and silenced the ring tone. I sighed. I’d probably need another new phone, and while I was at it a new number. Not that it would keep Mikah from tracking me down. He was probably already on a flight out to see me. Where am I again? Oklahoma? Utah? Who knew and who cared. One city was just the same as another these days.
I plodded into the bathroom and groaned when I peered at my reflection in the mirror. My long blonde hair looked like a rat’s nest circa the eighties. Black eyeliner and mascara seemed to be everywhere on my face except where they should have been. I was pale and my face was swollen. I turned away and refused to look at myself as I stripped for the shower.
What would people think if they knew I’d never felt pretty a day in my entire life? Women wanted to be me and men wanted to fuck me. Would they think me a freak to know what I really thought of myself? Not even Noah knew that I didn’t merely suffer from low self-esteem. I’d never told anyone that I’d been diagnosed years ago with body dysmorphic disorder. Apparently, what I saw when I looked in the mirror was not what everyone else saw. Some days I wished I could hide away from the world because I was too ugly to be seen by it. I secretly thought that’s why Noah had pushed me away. Maybe he needed to be with someone who was confident. I would never be that person as much as I wanted to be. And I hated myself for it. A part of me used to think that if I reached my dreams of being a country music star, and I was adored by millions, then that would make me feel pretty—good about myself. It’d had the opposite effect. I was afraid all the time that people would blink and suddenly see the version of me that I saw when I looked in the mirror. All I really wanted out of life was to feel good about myself, and to be happy. Of course, isn’t that what everyone wants and so few ever really get?
I shook my head and forced my thoughts in a different direction. My therapist, the one I’d stopped seeing ages ago, told me to turn my obsessive thoughts onto something productive, like song writing, when I got locked into the negativity. It was the one nugget of helpful information I’d been able to walk away with. Therapy on the whole, seemed like a waste of my time. I preferred the quick fix method, which equaled drugs. Not even those seemed to be working anymore though.
I finished up my shower, which I’d taken in a daze, completely consumed by my thoughts of self-pity. I hated how weak and vulnerable I was. It was an endless cycle I couldn’t seem to shirk. I wanted out. I needed out. I just didn’t know how. Maybe I never would. Around and around I went like I was on a damn carousel from hell.
Lyrics began to take shape in my mind. Wrapped in nothing but a towel, with dripping wet hair, I hurried to find my acoustic guitar. It was nestled away in its case in my bedroom where Noah had apparently put it for safe keeping. I sat on the edge of my bed and began to compose, singing the song in progress softly to myself.
In my life I’ve had many ups and downs
I’ve been going ‘round and ‘round
And I always end where I began
I have friends most who are on the same ride
Or else they’re standing in line
And they glance around with empty stares
This merry-go-round is fun no more
Been there done that all before
If I were gone, they’d be just as well
I’m way past due for a brand new start
Someone else can play my part in this tragedy
So I’ll excuse myself as I step off of this…
Carousel from hell
Up and down and ‘round and ‘round in a circle
The fact that I’ve not lost my mind is a miracle…
I stopped abruptly, the last line of my new song swirling in my mind. The fact that I’ve not lost my mind is a miracle. But was it true? Was I still sane? Or was I only sane by celebrity standards? Because anyone who tells you that it’s the same thing is lying.
Having lost my creative momentum I placed my guitar on my bed and shuffled back towards the bathroom so I could dry my hair and get dressed.
“Hey, honey. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you.”
Shit. I should have known. I honestly wasn’t the slightest bit surprised that he’d gotten into my room and so quickly. I pivoted towards none other than Mikah Cooper, who was standing a few feet away from me in nothing but a pair of faded blue jeans. Not even that threw me for much of a loop. His body was a work of art, but I wasn’t in the market anymore.
“How long have you been standing there, and where the hell are the rest of your clothes?” I grated. What an arrogant asshole, thinking he can come in here and fuck me into submission for the benefit of his career. He doesn’t give a shit about me at all. Only as far as what I can do for him. He’d obviously been calling me when he was already on route to see me.
Mikah flashed his perfect too white teeth at me in what, I guessed, was supposed to be a smile. He peered at me from behind long dark lashes, his bright green eyes glittering. “Long enough to hear you working on that depressing song. You obviously need me to cheer you up.”
He moved towards me slowly, his muscled torso rippling as he walked. I used to think he was sexy, hell I still did, it was just now I knew how much of an asshole he was and…and Noah. I’d discovered that no matter how hot someone was, and how good they made your body feel, it wouldn’t make you forget the loss of someone you loved. I loved Noah. He was who I wanted and yet I couldn’t go there either. I was destined to have a relationship with my music alone, it seemed.
“Get the hell out of here, Mikah. I’m not even sure how the fuck you got in here. What did you do, blow the security guards at my door?” Mikah wasn’t into men, but I wouldn’t put it past him to do anything, and I do mean anything to further his career. Him showing up in my hotel room so quickly was proof enough of that. I was pretty sure he wasn’t even attracted to me anymore. Something like attraction would be insignificant to someone like Mikah though, he’d probably get himself hard by thinking of all the attention he could get by being with me if another incident happened.
Mikah scowled, his face reddening. “You’re such a fucking bitch. And to think I came here to comfort you. I was—”
I rolled my eyes. “Aw… Bless your heart, you think you’re so clever. You came here to use me is what you did. Just like old times. The difference is I’m not playing your stupid little games anymore. Now get the hell out of here.”
Mikah’s expression morphed again. “Come on, baby. I just want to make you feel better.” He popped the top button of his jeans and took a tentative step towards me. He gave me his best come hither look, the one that would cause almost any woman to drop her panties for him. Except me. That shit is never going to work on me again.
“No,” I hissed. “Get out. Get out now.” I backed away slowly, my nerves ratcheting up. Did I think Mikah would try to rape me? Yes and no. I didn’t think he would see it as rape, as fucked up as that sounded. He was egotistical enough to think that there was no way I didn’t want it. I wasn’t going to risk letting him anywhere near me. I braced myself to run into the bathroom where I could lock the door and call for help from the hotel phone in there.
That’s when I looked over Mikah’s shoulder to see Noah. Our eyes met for an instant before he spoke.
7
~Noah
“Excuse me,” I growled. “Is there a problem?” Every muscle in my body tensed. Am I interrupting something? I wasn’t so sure I could deal with it if I was. It was one thing to hear about her with other men through secondhand outlets but to witness it was something else entirely.
“Yes!” Kyle exclaimed before Mikah could respond or even turn around. “Mikah needs to leave. Now.”
“No. There’s been a misunderstanding. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You weren’t invited, Mikah. I don’t want you here. You need to leave before I have you removed forcibly.”
I couldn’t help the anticipatory smile that crept across my face. I’d love to rough up
Mikah Cooper. I just needed an excuse and it looked like I might actually get one. “Do as the lady says.”
“And who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?” Mikah whirled around to eye me with hostility. “Oh, I see,” he sneered as he gave me the once over. “You’re fucking him now. Slumming, I guess.” He raised his hands up and backed away slowly. “Call me when you’re ready for a real man again.”
A red haze dropped down in front of my vision and I snapped. Rushing Mikah, I wrapped one arm around his neck and the other I used to twist him into a submissive hold. I dragged him backwards and when we reached the front door of the suite I tossed him out. He landed on his side and swore loudly.
“I’ll sue you!” Mikah snarled.
“Go ahead n’ try. I’ll have your ass thrown in jail if I see you near her again.” I slammed the door. I’d have to replace the security at Kyle’s door with my own men. It was one of the things I’d been trying to talk to her about since last night.
I was pissed, irrational, not in a good place at all. I should have left Kyle alone until I cooled down but of course I didn’t. That would have made entirely too much sense. And Lord knew I did stupid things when Kyle was involved. “Since I wasn’t interruptin’ anything then why the fuck was he in here while you’re in nothin’ but a towel and he was half undressed? You’re too fuckin’ trustin’, darlin’.”
Kyle’s face showed shock for a millisecond before her features hardened with anger. “Fuck you, Noah! I don’t have to answer to you for anything.”
I stalked closer to her, my body vibrating with anger…and yeah, need. My eyes swept over Kyle in her state of undress. I wanted to throw her down right where she was and fuck her until she remembered she was mine. The thought of that asshole being inside of her did crazy things to my brain. Mostly short-circuited it. I couldn’t think straight.
She’s mine. She always had been and always would be.
“Actually, you do. I’m the head of your security now and I need to know everything…so I can protect you.” I stared her down. She notched her chin up defiantly but remained quiet. I inhaled and exhaled trying to calm myself. No one could rile me up quite the way Kyle did. I clenched my fists and backed up a step. She isn’t yours. Stop forgetting that.
“Careful,” she whispered. “I might start to think you care.”
I sucked in a sharp breath. Her words were deliberate, a reminder of our past. My mind immediately conjured up the memory she was trying to invoke in me.
“What crawled up your ass and died?” Matt grunted at me.
I scowled at him before pacing to his window to glance out into the dark night. Why the hell isn’t she back yet? “Nothin’, just not in the best mood today.”
“No shit,” Matt grumbled as he slammed his Nintendo controller down. “I thought you came over to play video games with me, but all you’ve been doing is pacing and staring out that window.” He sighed demonstratively. “She’s my sister, man.”
I swiveled around to eye him sharply. Am I that obvious? It was eating me up alive to know that Kyle was on a date with some other guy. “It’s not like that,” I protested.
“MmmmHmmm…come on, it’s me you’re talking to.” Matt flopped back on his bed and stared at his ceiling. “Look, I know Kyle’s been fawning after you since we were kids, but that’s the thing, she still is one—”
“She’s only two years younger than me,” I snapped before I thought better of it.
Matt sat up and scowled. “So you admit it? You have feelings for my baby sister?”
I ran my hands through my hair and turned away. “Fuck, Matt, I dunno. It’s just her being out tonight has got me all twisted up in knots.”
“She’s been out with guys before, what’s changed?”
“She kissed me the other day,” I blurted out, sagging with relief to finally admit it to him.
“What? And you’re only just now telling me?”
“I didn’t think it mattered. As you said, she’s had a rather obvious thing for me since we were kids.” I started pacing again. “She cornered me on the way back from the bathroom the other night when I stayed over. She—well, fuck—she took me by surprise—I was half awake. She just grabbed me and kissed me…”
“Okaaay,” Matt drawled, his face soured like he’d just eaten a bucket of lemons.
“I kissed her back.”
“What the fuck, man? You kissed her back? That better be all that happened!”
“It is! I swear! I pushed her away.” A few heartbeats passed before I could meet my best friend’s gaze again. “The problem is—I can’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout it—about her. I think—I think I have feelings for her. Like real feelings for her.”
“This whole thing is skeeving me out,” Matt snapped. “She’s my sister and you’re my best friend.”
“I didn’t plan this.”
“Kyle is relentless when she goes after something she wants.” Matt chuckled. “Lord knows she’s been after you forever.” He sobered. “You hurt her and I’ll kill you.”
I nodded, excitement fluttering in my gut. That was as close to a blessing as I’d get from Matt. Just then I heard a car door slam, and then another. “She’s back.” I hurried to the window but I couldn’t see Kyle.
“I’m thinking it’s time for you to leave,” Matt said with a sly smile. “And you know, go on out the front door…now would be good.”
I rushed from the room, suddenly dead set on keeping Kyle’s lips from whatever punk she’d been out with. It was like a switch had been flipped. Between the kiss she’d given me the other night and Matt’s blessing… She’s mine.
I swung the front door open just in time to see some blond guy leaning into Kyle, his hands entangled in her long hair. They both turned to look at me, eyes as big as saucers. “What the hell are you doing, Noah?” Kyle demanded. But she wasn’t fooling me. I could read her like a book. She wanted what I was about to do.
I grabbed her date by the back of his shirt and yanked him away from Kyle. “Date’s over,” I growled.
“Hey! Not cool!” He exclaimed as he stumbled away. That was about as much as a protest as he put up though. A few moments later he was in his car speeding away.
“What the hell are you doing?” Kyle demanded again, crossing her arms over her chest. My gaze flickered briefly to the cleavage she pushed up by the motion.
I closed the front door and stalked closer to her. “He’s not good enough for you, darlin’.”
Kyle dropped her arms to her sides and backed away from me slowly. We ended up doing a little dance that ended with her back pressed against the front door and me caging her in. Her breath puffed out of her chest in short little bursts. “Careful, I might start to think you care.”
I snapped back to the present and gazed down at Kyle. Her green eyes stared up at me with longing, just like they had that night. “Good, because I do,” I rumbled, repeating the words I’d said all those years ago. Lost in emotions brought on by my trip down memory lane, I corralled her against the wall, pressing into her.
“I’m fixin’ to kiss you now,” I murmured low as I leaned into her.
8
~Kylie
My eyes widened as Noah loomed over me. “You don’t just get to come back in here after all this time and—and—” I pressed my hands against his chest, wanting to push him away but they had a mind of their own. They curled into the fabric of his shirt instead. “Noah, please,” I whispered, desperate for him both to stop and to continue. I’d crawled away from our breakup. If I let him in again, like I wanted to, he could cripple me. Keeping some distance between Noah and myself came down to self-privation, survival really.
Noah’s nostrils flared as if he was scenting me like some wild beast. His eyes devoured me, my words having obviously fallen on deaf ears. I’d been the one that started this—I knew that. But I hadn’t been thinking. It’s so hard to think around him. All I want to do is feel. I let my eyes flutter shut and I wet my lips. What wou
ld one little taste hurt? Besides everything, that is. I trembled in anticipation—anticipation of a kiss that never came.
I opened my eyes just as Noah let go and stepped away from me. His gaze was dark, unfathomable. There was still desire in his eyes but the heat had been doused by other emotions that I couldn’t get a read on. But just because I didn’t understand them didn’t mean I didn’t recognize them. They were the same feelings that had broken us apart. Whatever was going on in his head was not something I could fight and I knew it. The battle that had been waging inside of him was one that he insisted on fighting alone. That was the reason we’d both ended up losing.
Music played in my head. “I don’t know what he’s after. But he’s so beautiful, such a beautiful disaster,” I murmured as I stared up at him.
“What?” He backed up another few steps, his gaze still locked with mine.
“Nothing,” I muttered. “Just a song. Not mine. It reminds me of you.”
He didn’t say anything in response, just shifted uncomfortably. “I’m sorry ‘bout that. It shouldn’t have happened. It’s what you said—”
I waved him off, stuffing all the pain back inside. “Don’t worry about it. I stirred up the past. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Kyle—”
“I said not to worry about it.” I whirled around and headed for the bathroom. “I need to dry my hair and put some clothes on.” In other words: Subject is closed.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly…
I stopped short, ice running up my spine, goose bumps spreading across my skin. “What the hell is that?” Of course I knew what the song was, what the words were. It was the song Blackbird by The Beatles. It was also the song and lyrics that Conner Vreck had used to torment me once upon a time. I spun in a circle trying to figure out where the music was coming from. Noah was already on it. He prowled my suite, his head cocked to the side listening to the eerie song. After what seemed like an eternity, he dove down to reach under the couch and pulled out a cell phone. The song Blackbird was apparently set as the ring tone.
