by D T Dyllin
“It’s an alarm,” Noah growled. I watched him intently. “Does this phone look familiar? Could Mikah have put it here?”
I sucked in a shaky breath. “No. No, he wasn’t anywhere near the couch. And I’ve never seen that phone before in my life. Noah—if Conner Vreck is still in jail then who is doing this? The press didn’t know about that song. The press didn’t know.”
Noah crossed quickly to me, wrapping his muscled arms around me. I was swallowed up by his warmth and spicy scent. I clung to him like he was the last life preserver on a ship that was about to go down. “You’re safe with me, darlin’. I promise.”
“How is this happening?” I mumbled against the soft material of his flannel shirt. I knew he didn’t have the answers and I didn’t really expect him to answer.
“I don’t know. But I’m gonna find out.” His grip on me tightened and I wished that I could stay safe within his arms forever.
“I have a show tomorrow night. I need to go over my set, check out the space. I have too much to do.” Panic washed over me. I couldn’t let any of it get in my way. The show had to go on. I wouldn’t let whoever it was ruin my career. I had to stay the course no matter what happened.
“That’s why I’m here,” Noah rumbled before kissing the top of my head.
I pulled away from him and scurried into the bedroom. I went straight for the closet and pulled down my black bag. I unzipped it and started rummaging through my bottles of pills. I needed something to calm my nerves and something else to pick me up. I’d probably need something to help me sleep tonight too. I couldn’t put on a show tomorrow completely exhausted. My voice would show the strain even if my body didn’t. I just had to—
“What the fuck?” Noah snatched my bag away from me.
“Hey! Give that back!”
Noah pawed through the contents of my bag, his jaw muscles popping. “You gotta be kiddin’ me with this shit.” He zipped up the bag and glared at me. “I thought—or gave you the benefit of the doubt that those rumors weren’t true. You doin’ the hard stuff too? Coke? Meth? I have half a mind to—”
I snorted. “Puuuh-leeeaaze. I don’t need to do the hard stuff. I can get a prescription for anything I want and it’s legal. That’s the way of it when you’re a celebrity.” My shoulders slumped and I wrapped my arms around my middle. “Look, I’m cold. I’ve been standing around in a towel for a while now. Just give me back my bag and I’ll—”
“No.”
“Noah,” I grated. “I don’t do recreational drugs. I need those. I have a show tomorrow night. A doctor prescribed them to me. It’s not the big deal you’re making it out to be.”
Without another word Noah stalked from my suite with my bag in tow.
Much to my shame, I burst into tears. How was I going to deal with any of it…Noah, the blackbird thing, my shows… if I didn’t have my meds? If Noah didn’t break me one way he was going to break me in another.
9
~Noah
As soon as I made it to my hotel room, a few doors down from Kyle’s, I broke down and cried. I wept like a little bitch. The last time I’d felt such raw emotion was when I’d found out Matt was dead. Not even when Kyle had finally filed for divorce had I shed a single tear. Matt’s death and now Kyle’s ruination…it was all my fault. I hadn’t been able to save Matt, and I hadn’t stopped Kyle from her self-destructive tendencies. Why did I think that she’d be able to handle life in the spotlight on her own? I shook my head. I couldn’t—I couldn’t—wouldn’t let myself feel…well feel any of it for long. I was a pro at locking down my emotions, and that’s just what I did.
I dropped Kyle’s bag of pills on the floor and kicked them under the bed. I’d think more on what I was going to do about her addiction problem later. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew she was probably already on the phone getting more of what she thought she needed. I didn’t even know why I’d bothered to take her current stash. Because you couldn’t not.
Speaking of phones. I pulled out the one that had been planted in Kyle’s room to torment her. While eyeing up the seemingly innocuous object I pulled my own phone from my pocket and called Billy. I let him know what happened and that I’d meet him in half an hour to go over everything. We had to tighten down Kyle’s security. Nothing was right around her. I needed to fix it…and her. I needed to fix everything I’d broken.
I made my way into the bathroom, stripping off my shirt as I went. A cold shower was in order to clear my head. After removing my jeans and shoes, I doffed my prosthetic and hopped under the spray. I welcomed the icy water as it beat down on my skin. I examined my leg, groaning when I noticed some blisters from chaffing. It looked like I was going to be forced to wear my other leg since it fit slightly better.
I washed up quickly, my mind on Kyle. How long had it been so bad for her? I’d always pictured her happy, smiling, holding hands with some other man. Fucking some other man. Those were the images that kept me awake at night. Her moaning beneath some guy that wasn’t me. Every muscle in my body tensed and then I gazed down at my scars. Not only was I missing my leg but I had also been graced with dozens of long scars on my abdomen and lower legs. Kyle wouldn’t want you like this. She doesn’t know how bad it is. She wants the Noah James who shipped out, not the one who came back mentally and physically broken. It was something I’d told myself more times than I could count. Yeah, I wasn’t a saint. I was a man. I’d fucked other women since my break up with Kyle. But I didn’t care what they thought, not like I did with Kyle. And those women, the women that I merely fucked to get off, they had no comparison of how I’d been before. It was kind of hard to know how broken someone was if you’d never seen them whole.
So what am I supposed to do now? Seeing Kyle, and in her current state, after all these years was tearing me up something awful. I just have to keep focused on the job. And I could help Kyle too. I’d talk to Marie about the pills. Hell, if I had to, I’d carry Kyle kicking and screaming into rehab my damn self. I just had to remember that she wasn’t mine and she never would be again.
10
~Kylie
A long string of obscenities spilled from my mouth as I got dressed. I cursed Noah for taking my pills. I cursed him for being so controlling and overbearing. I cursed him for trying to kiss me. I cursed him for not following through on that kiss. I cursed him for being so fucking sexy. And I cursed him for never giving me back my heart. He’d first stolen it from me when I was ten years old, and even though he’d been the one to push me away, to ultimately end our relationship, he’d never given it back. He’d held onto it like the greedy bastard he was.
“Fuck you, Noah James.” I stomped around my suite looking for my purse. I needed to get the hell out of my damn hotel room. I needed some air—I needed my pills. Shit. If I hadn’t broken my cell then I’d already have more waiting for me at a local pharmacy. The sad fact was that I couldn’t even remember my doctor’s name off the top of my head. All of his information had been in my phone. If I asked Marie she’d probably shut me down. Noah was probably already whispering in her ear about what she needed to do to handle me. Like I was still a child that needed to be taken care of. That had been the biggest problem in my and Noah’s relationship, he’d always thought it was his job to take care of me. He’d never let me take care of him, even when he’d needed it so desperately.
Finally, it hit me. I knew where I could get pills without judgment. At least enough to tide me over until I could contact my doctor. My roadies. I wanted to slap myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I pulled on knee high leather boots and gave myself the once over in the mirror. Why do I always have to look like shit? No matter how hard I try. I’ve always looked like shit. Now I look like aging shit. It was probably the real reason Noah had backed off from kissing me. He’d decided I just wasn’t pretty enough anymore. As a man he could hook up with women half my age. He was probably fucking younger women all the time. That thought tightened my chest to the point where I could ba
rely breathe. Maybe what happened to him in Iraq had broken us up but I knew the truth. No matter what happened, eventually Noah would have left me. He would have grown tired of my need for constant reassurance and one day he would have realized that I was right. I was too ugly for him. He could do better. He deserved better. I could tell myself until I turned blue in the face that I wasn’t as ugly as I thought, that it was my disorder clouding my judgment, and I knew that was the truth on an intellectual level. But I was ruled by my feelings—feelings that told me all the time that I wasn’t good enough. I’d never be good enough.
I snagged what cash I had on hand, and my room key and headed out. I didn’t even acknowledge the two men who were standing outside my door. Frankly, they gave me the creeps. Both of their credentials had checked out so I didn’t complain, but I just didn’t engage them in idol chitchat because of their creep factor. They had a job and I let them do it. Simple as that.
“Ms. James! Ms. James!” A tall, slender blonde in a maid’s uniform hurried down the hall towards me. “This was delivered for you!” She presented me with a stapled prescription bag from Walgreens. “Thanks.” I ripped it open right there, curiosity over taking me. I blinked in confusion as I stared at the contents. “Who gave these to you?” But the blonde had already gone. Weird. I hadn’t even noticed her leave. She could have easily disappeared into any one of the rooms on the floor though since she was a maid. I turned in a small circle, searching for her anyways, my head spinning, causing me to falter. I pressed the palm of my hand in the center of my forehead as if I could still the vertigo.
How the hell had my pill prescriptions been filled and delivered to me when I hadn’t been able to call my doctor? How was it possible? But they were all there…all the meds I was going to need to get through the next few days. I shook my head slowly, a headache starting to bloom. I laughed dryly to myself. I was pretty sure I had a pill for that. No longer caring about how my meds had come to be in my possession, I decided it was more important that they were. My worries were temporarily dashed. I heaved a sigh of relief. Luck for once, seemed to be on my side.
You never thought someone would tattle tale on you
That’s been your problem, babe, you never really thought things through
Please don’t bother telling me I misunderstand
It’ll never wash too much has hit the fan
So my advice to you is succinct and clear
Take two drop dead pills before you come over tonight
Well it’s the only way that you’re ever going to put things right
And if you follow my prescription I’ll forgive your lies
Take two drop dead pills before you come on over tonight
Up until now I felt that we were meant to be
Love had me blinded but it’s past because I clearly see
Seems you never meant to have an LTR
You’ve been going out but now you’ve gone too far
So my advice to you is succinct and clear
Take two drop dead pills before you come over tonight
Well it’s the only way that you’re ever going to put things right
And if you follow my prescription I’ll forgive your lies
Take two drop dead pills before you come on over tonight
Now that I know the truth of your deceit and lies
I’m really hurting but you’re never going to see me cry
What I’m going to do now I can say for sure
Live a painless life without you ‘round anymore
So my advice to you is succinct and clear
Take two drop dead pills before you come over tonight
Do you hear me, honey?
Take two drop dead pills before you come over tonight
I threw my head back and laughed, absolutely exhilarated. After taking some of my meds my muse had taken control. The song was ridiculous, inspired by the very things fueling my elated continence. But it would never see the light of day, and it felt good to play. I felt good. The entire time I was playing it I thought of Noah. Noah and all the young bitches he’d been fucking since our break up. I knew the truth of things. I knew why he’d pushed me away. It had all been a convenient excuse to get rid of me. I wasn’t good enough for him, and I never would be.
“Fuck him.” I slammed my guitar down, strings chiming in discord. “He can have them. They’ll never love him like I do.” My emotions swung like a pendulum, like they often did lately. One minute I’d be feeling great and the next I was sobbing. I swiped at the tears streaming down my cheeks. “Fuck him,” I repeated with more vehemence.
No. This just won’t do. I want to be happy again. I rifled through my pill bottles looking for a quick fix. Maybe an Adderall to give me a touch more energy? And an antidepressant to cheer me up? Cymbalta maybe? Could I take those at the same time? Fuck it. I popped open the bottles and downed the pills with a swig of beer.
It won’t be long now before I’m feeling right as rain again. I sniggered to myself thinking how ridiculous that saying was. Why did I say it anyways? And where had I gotten it from? I searched my memory but came up blank, not that it mattered.
I picked up my guitar and started to play the same song.
Take two drop dead pills before you come over tonight…
The more I thought about it the more the song was growing on me. It had more of a rockabilly feel to it than I usually put in my songs, but it was catchy and I definitely connected with the lyrics. Ha! Understatement of the year!
My vision swam and my world tilted. I was suddenly exhausted. I needed to sleep. Just for a few minutes. A little nap. Then I would work on my new favorite song some more. I flopped back on my bed and closed my eyes. I was floating. Floating is good. Floating doesn’t hurt.
11
~Noah
I’d just left my meeting with Billy. We were now on the same page about everything. He also agreed with my plan to replace all security with our own men. He was going to make the calls while I headed back to check—update Kyle. We were still waiting to hear back from the local PD about the package and phone. Hopefully something would turn up from one of those.
I nodded at the two guards posted at Kyle’s door. “She been in there this whole time?”
The taller, guy, Jason shrugged. “She left a few hours ago and then hasn’t gone out again since. She’s been in there completely alone since then.” He sniggered.
I ground my teeth together. The guy was an ass. Did he think I’d thrown Mikah out because I’d been jealous, because I’d caught him with Kyle in the middle of something? Who the fuck cares what he thinks? I wouldn’t feel the tiniest bit of guilt when he got walking papers, which would be ASAP. I swiped my key card and entered Kyle’s suite. It was quiet, which surprised me.
“Kyle?” I saw her lying across her bed, guitar on her lap. As I got closer I also saw a few beer bottles on the floor and a prescription bag beside her. “Kyle, darlin’, you need to wake up. I need to talk to you ‘bout some things.” It couldn’t wait any longer. We had to get her security situation on lock down. Not to mention her mixing alcohol and pills again. The sight made me madder than hell. “Kyle.”
I sat gingerly down beside her and shook her gently. When she didn’t move, my gut clenched. “Kyle.” I picked up the prescription bag and dumped it out. There were no less than half a dozen bottles but one of them caught my eye. It was blue unlike the rest of the orange bottles and something was scrolled across the front label in black sharpie.
Blackbird fly. Blackbird fly.
Even though in that moment it felt like my heart was going to stop beating, I knew there was no time for me to feel anything. I needed to do. To act. It was Kyle’s only chance.
I pulled out my phone and dialed 911. After the operator let me know EMTs were minutes away I tried to keep calm by checking Kyle’s pulse. It was thready at best. Her breathing was shallow. I turned her on her side in case she threw up so she wouldn’t choke on it. I resisted doing anything e
lse and taking matters into my own hands. I wasn’t a medic of any kind but I knew enough to be dangerous. Just as I’d reached the end of my rope the door slammed open, the two security guards leading the way, panicked expressions on both of their faces. They should be panicked. I’ll kill them both with my bare hands if Kyle isn’t okay.
I watched in a daze as the EMTs worked on Kyle. Everything was far away, like I was seeing things through water or wax paper. I wasn’t sure I breathed until Kyle was throwing up, purging herself of the toxins that threatened to take her away from me forever.
I think someone said something to me. Marie was suddenly beside me, leading me after Kyle, who was being wheeled out on a stretcher. “We’ll follow her to the hospital. I’ll drive.” I nodded trying not to lose it. The rest was a blur. All I could think was that I’d let it happen. I’d let Kyle almost die. It’d happened on my watch. The one thing I thought I could do was protect her, and I’d failed her in that too.
The steady cadence of Kyle’s heart monitor lulled me to sleep. My dreams were filled with flashbacks from Iraq. The pinging of gunshots hitting the side of the Blackhawk. The scent of burning oil. Matt yelling something I couldn’t make out just before my stomach dropped and my world tilted. The crunching of metal on impact. And the searing heat as it washed over me. I woke covered in sweat and clinging to Kyle’s tiny hand, hoping I hadn’t hurt her even though she couldn’t feel it at the moment. Being in the hospital had triggered my PTSD, even after all these years. A part of me wanted to flee, but I couldn’t leave Kyle, not when it was my fault she was there to begin with. I couldn’t save Matt, maybe I could still save her.
