by D T Dyllin
BDD is a body-image disorder characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with an imagined or slight defect in one's appearance.
People with BDD can dislike any part of their body, although they often find fault with their hair, skin, nose, chest, or stomach. In reality, a perceived defect may be only a slight imperfection or nonexistent. But for someone with BDD, the flaw is significant and prominent, often causing severe emotional distress and difficulties in daily functioning.
BDD most often develops in adolescents and teens, and research shows that it affects men and women almost equally. About one percent of the U.S. population has BDD.
The causes of BDD are unclear, but certain biological and environmental factors may contribute to its development, including genetic predisposition, neurobiological factors such as malfunctioning of serotonin in the brain, personality traits, and life experiences.
I scanned down to read the common indicator symptoms.
BDD sufferers may perform some type of compulsive or repetitive behavior to try to hide or improve their flaws although these behaviors usually give only temporary relief. Examples are listed below:
* camouflaging (with body position, clothing, makeup, hair, hats, etc.)
* comparing body part to others' appearance
* seeking surgery
* checking in a mirror
* avoiding mirrors
* skin picking
* excessive grooming
* excessive exercise
* changing clothes excessively
I clicked on link after link. Shit. I scrubbed my hand down my face. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe Kyle about her disorder, I knew she would never lie or exaggerate about something like that, especially to me, but I was hoping to get some kind of perspective on it. The more I knew the more I could help. But there was a ton of conflicting information on the subject. It seemed like the only two treatments that most could agree on were Cognitive-behavior therapy, which teaches patients to recognize irrational thoughts and change negative thinking patterns. Patients learn to identify unhealthy ways of thinking and behaving and replace them with positive ones. Or antidepressant medications, which wasn’t an option. Kyle and pills were not a good fit.
I shut my laptop and stared blankly. I fought the urge to cry for the second time in the past few weeks. I’d left Kyle to deal with all of this by herself. I really believed I was helping her by pushing her away but I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’d thought that before, but it was so much worse than I could have ever guessed. How was I—how could I—no. No excuses. I wouldn’t let doubts creep in now. I would just have to reach deep inside me to find the strength I needed to help Kyle—to help us. I would be her rock. I’d never abandon her again. If everything else fell apart in her life she’d be able to count on me. I would protect her from everything, even herself. Resolve flowed through my system, steeling for any hardship to come. No excuses. None. Not ever again.
22
~Kylie
I sifted through the pile of mail… Bill. Bill. Bill. Invitation. Bill. Advertisement. Magazine that I don’t remember subscribing to. Bill. I certainly do spend a lot of money. My attention snagged on a plain manila envelope with my name scrolled across the front in sloppy handwriting. There was no return address. What struck me was that it had Noah’s address and not my P.O. Box, which had been emptied and brought to the hotel. As I opened it, I idly wondered how it’d gotten in the pile. Inside was an unlined note card with more sloppy handwriting.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and see—YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL. You can’t hide who you really are from him for long.
I stared at the note card for a few moments, my emotions warring between anger and fear. Who the fuck was this person who kept harassing me? How did they seem to know practically my every move?
“Noah!” I called. “Noah!”
He came sprinting into the room. “What’s wrong?”
I stood and presented him with the note card. “This,” I snapped. “How the hell did he know I was here?”
Noah’s azure gaze met mine briefly before reading my little love note. “Son of a bitch,” he growled. He picked up the envelope it had arrived in. “It’s not postmarked, but there was no one odd on the security feed. How did it get here without being detected?”
I flopped into the chair and crossed my arms. “How the hell is he tracking me? And you know what else? It sounds an awful lot like he knows about what I told you last night.”
Noah shook his head slowly as he reread the message. “No, darlin’. I think that’s just paranoia talkin’. It’s too general, you’re readin’ into it. Besides, for that to be true the house would have to be bugged and I can assure you it’s not.”
“I have every right to be paranoid at this point, don’t you think? The timing of everything done so far is too perfect.” Even the blackbirds in my dressing room. I’d been miserable, thinking of how much I missed Noah after singing his song on stage. It was like my dark thoughts and my harassment went hand in hand somehow.
“I’m not sayin’ we shouldn’t be cautious. Hell, it’s the reason we’re here, but there’s no reason to put the horse before the buggy. You’re safe here with me. It’s just a piece of paper. It’s not even threatening.”
I let Noah wrap his arms around me even though it felt like it was more for him at the moment than me. I wouldn’t tell him that Conner Vreck’s notes and gifts hadn’t been threatening either, especially because I did feel safe with Noah. “I know I’m safe with you, it’s just—I’m starting to get pissed. I have shows—a career. I can’t stay locked away indefinitely if I still want to have those things.”
Noah’s muscles tensed around me. “I know. And no one’s askin’ you to stay here indefinitely. But you’re still recuperatin’. You just got out of the hospital. I don’t think—”
“I’m not saying I don’t want to be with you. I’m saying I don’t want to be a prisoner anywhere. Because that’s what this whole thing is making me feel like, a prisoner.”
“I didn’t say I thought—”
I smiled into Noah’s soft t-shirt. “You didn’t have to.” I pulled away from him, my eyes drawn to the invitation I’d opened and discarded. Suddenly it was a lot more appealing. I picked it up and waved it in the air. “We’re going to this tomorrow night. So get your crew or men or whatever you call them and get organized.”
Noah grabbed the invitation from me and read it, a scowl forming on his face. “I don’t think it’s a good—”
“We’re going,” I ground out before softening my tone. “It’s a private event. Just a little listening party for a band that’s been recently signed to the same label as me. I’m sure you and your men can keep me safe there. I need to get of this house.”
I stomped into the bedroom and started opening up my bags, looking for something to wear. I really did need to get out of this house. It had too many bad memories. I was going to have to talk to Noah about selling it. If we were going to have a serious shot at a second chance, I couldn’t see ghosts everywhere I looked. We’d need a fresh start. Of course, maybe I was putting the horse before the buggy as Noah had said. Maybe he wanted to take things slow with me. I was already buying new houses with him in my mind and I didn’t have a clue where he was in his head with our relationship. It was hard not to with Noah. It wasn’t like he was some guy I’d just met. I’d known him since we were kids. He’d been my first and only real relationship. He’d been my…well…my first real everything. Not that I hadn’t kissed other boys before him, but nothing had felt the way it had with him. Kissing other boys, felt almost like a chore, practice at best. Kissing Noah was the stuff of my adolescent dreams.
Suddenly I was back there, the night that had really started it all. The night I’d kissed him in the dark hallway of my childhood home. The night he’d kissed me back.
I stared up at my ceiling in the dark. The tiny plastic stars I’d placed there were
glowing brightly. I couldn’t sleep, not tonight. Just down the hallway from me was Noah. He was staying over with Matt again. I never slept when Noah stayed over. My mind would always be filled with fantasies of him sneaking into my room to ravage me, not that I really understood what that meant from first-hand experience. It did seem very appealing from the descriptions in the romance novels I read.
I’d listen for every creak that signaled a footstep, trying to figure out if it was Matt or Noah stumbling down the hall in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. If I paid attention, I could tell when it was Noah because he tread softly, trying to be considerate. Matt didn’t care if he woke me or our mama, not really.
Just after visiting the bathroom myself, I heard my brother’s door creak slowly open, followed by footsteps whispering across the hardwood floor. I stood in the dark, just outside my room, and watched as Noah’s silhouette approached, illuminated from behind by the soft blue lighting of a nightlight about halfway down the hallway. It looked as if he wasn’t wearing anything but a pair of pajama pants. That fact made me swallow hard. Noah James was still the hottest boy I’d ever laid eyes on. I tried dating other boys, but no one ever compared to him. If only he would see me as someone other than the kid sister of his best friend.
I stayed where I was, nibbling on my lip while I waited for Noah to come back out into the hallway. I was overcome by the desire to make my feelings known. Maybe if I did he’d finally see me the way I wanted him to.
When he emerged from the bathroom, I moved quickly towards him. “Noah,” I breathed.
“Kyle?” His voice was rough with sleep, his hair tousled, his eyes heavy. “What are you—”
I pushed him back against the wall, rose up on my tiptoes and slanted my lips roughly over his. I ran my hands up into his hair and pressed my body against his, butterflies dancing in my stomach. And then it happened, his tongue darted out to run along the seam of my mouth, and I opened for him. I moaned when our tongues intertwined, and his fingers dug into my lower back, pulling me tightly against him. I was hot all over. My skin ached. I wanted Noah to touch me in places no one ever had before.
Noah abruptly pushed me away, his eyes wild. “Kyle, what the hell do you think you’re doin’?” he hissed. “Huh? You’re my best friend’s sister.”
I glared up at him, affronted. “So? You kissed me back.”
“You took me by surprise. I mean—what the hell?”
I scowled at him. “You liked it. I can tell.” I let my eyes dip to the crotch of his pajama pants and smirked. There was some very sizable tenting happening in that area.
He shifted uncomfortably. “I’m a guy. I can’t help that reaction.”
“Noah,” I rasped, stepping closer to him again.
He stumbled backwards like I was threatening him. “No, Kyle. Just—go back to bed.”
“Come with me, to my bed.”
His eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “Wha—no. I—” He spun around and practically sprinted down the hallway back to Matt’s room.
The butterflies that had been happily dancing in my stomach dive-bombed. Nausea rolled over me. What the hell had I just done? I wasn’t sure what’d come over me but I’d somehow managed to scare Noah away. My eyes burned and my throat tightened. I hastily made my way back into my room and climbed numbly under the covers. Why didn’t Noah want me? Wasn’t I pretty enough? I’d been thinking about that a lot lately, that if I was prettier like Michaella Triste, then he wouldn’t be able to resist me, his best friend’s sister or not. But I wasn’t prettier. I couldn’t magically change how I looked. I would just have to accept the fact that Noah didn’t want me.
Tears tracked down my cheeks, blurring the stars on my ceiling. If only I could wish on them and all my dreams could come true. I’d wish for me to be a chart-topping country star, with millions of adoring fans, and of course Noah. I’d always wish for Noah.
I snapped back to the present, a small smile twisting my lips. I’d still always wish for Noah. Things had seemed hopeless to my sixteen-year-old self. I’d thought my whole world was falling apart, me always the dramatic one. But just a few short days later, Noah had booted my date, some guy who I hadn’t even really liked, and told me that he did in fact want me. Noah was like that sometimes, he just needed a little push to realize what he wanted. He wanted me—that much was clear. He was just a bit gun shy after all we’d been through. Not that I could really blame him. I just had to keep my hope alive that everything would work out between us. Hope… Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. I’d had a bookmark when I was a kid with that quote on it. I couldn’t remember who’d said it but I remembered the words. I would apply them to my situation with Noah. Hope would rebuild this time, instead of devastating.
23
~Noah
I sat on our bed—funny how Kyle had merely stepped back into the house and I’d already starting thinking of everything as ours again—while Kyle fussed in front of the mirror. She kept curling, brushing and then re-curling pieces of her long blonde hair. I waited patiently, my gaze sliding with longing over her toned legs. I didn’t want to go to some stupid listening party. I wanted to stay right where I was with Kyle, her long legs wrapped around my waist as I plunged into her. The problem was, once she got something in her head she was like a bulldog. So against my better judgment, I was escorting Kyle to the event.
I glanced at my watch. Should I mention to her that we’re going to be late? Or should I let her keep going in hopes that we miss the event all together?
“Almost done,” Kyle grated. She tugged on a curl, released it and sighed heavily. “It’s hopeless.”
I stood, making my way over to her. Our gazes locked in the reflection of the mirror, blue on green. “You’re absolutely stunnin’.” I bent to nibble on her neck without breaking eye contact. Her hands laced into my hair and she arched to give me better access. I ran my hands down the front of the little black dress she was wearing, curling my fingers under the hem. I grew instantly hard as an image of me pushing her forward and taking her from behind right there accosted my brain. “We could stay here, get naked.” Please say yes. Please say yes.
“Noah,” she chastised even though her eyes gleamed with lust and temptation.
“I’d love to watch you watch me while I fucked you from behind. Right here.” I tugged her skirt up little by little. “I wouldn’t even mess up your hair, I swear. I’d just bend you over right here, lift up your skirt, and slide into that sweet little pussy of yours.”
“Noah, we don’t have time.”
“I just need a few minutes.” I took her earlobe between my teeth. “Come on, darlin’,” I murmured against her flesh. “I can see it in your eyes—you want me. Right here, right now.”
Kyle’s body was putty in my hands. Her skirt was up almost enough for me to get a glimpse of her panties. “Of course I want you. I always want you. Just not now.” Despite her words she made no effort to move. I smiled against her skin, smug with the knowledge I was about to—
The doorbell chimed causing Kyle to tense. “Ignore it,” I rasped. “Maybe they’ll go away.”
“It’s our car.” Kyle placed her hands over mine to still me. “Noah, it’s our car, stop.”
I growled my protests under my breath as I reluctantly pulled away from her. “How the hell am I supposed to go anywhere like this?” I cupped my hard dick through my pants.
“That was your doing, not mine,” Kyle said with a wink.
“I see how it is. You’re punishin’ me for somethin’, is that it? You’re about to drag me to this event which is clearly not my thing, but not before torturin’ me a bit.”
“Stop being so dramatic, that’s my department,” Kyle said over her shoulder as she stuffed some things into her tiny purse. “We’ll only be there for a few hours and then we’ll be alone the rest of the evening.” Her high heels clicked loudly on the hard wood floor as she left the room heading for the front door.
; I spared myself a glance in the full-length mirror. I was wearing khakis and a black button down. Kyle had assured me the event was casual, at least for the men. Good thing because it was the fanciest bit of clothing I had. I didn’t have much use for dress clothes in my line of work, or normally my personal life. A few days back in my life and already Kyle was turning it upside down. I wasn’t the kind of guy who attended record label listening parties. I was the kind of guy who did security for them. In that sense I was kind of doing double duty tonight, with back up from my men.
“Noah, you coming?” Kyle called from the other room.
I turned away from my reflection and met Kyle at the front door, where Billy was standing, a grin on his face. “Glad to see you two are working it out. Maybe now you won’t be such a cranky bastard all the time.”
I scowled. Kyle laughed. “Noah, cranky? Well I never.”
I took her hand in mine, not acknowledging Billy’s comment and led her to the car. “Everyone in position at the bar?”
Billy’s face hardened with the talk of business. “Yep, everything’s a go chief.”
“Glad I can count on you.” I hit his back a bit harder than I needed to, letting him know his joke hadn’t been appreciated.
His grin was back. “No problem, chief.”
Nerves began to ride me hard as I climbed into the back of the Lincoln with Kyle. I hoped I’d be able to handle being on Kyle’s arm, thrust into the spotlight. I was used to being in the shadows, observing, protecting. What if my PTSD reared its ugly head again? What if—No excuses…no excuses… I ran my mantra around in my head to ground myself. If Kyle wanted me with her, if she needed me, I’d be there. No excuses.
24
~Kylie
I’d never seen Noah so nervous before. His blue eyes were dark with his tumultuous emotions. They rolled through his gaze and across his features as he pretended to listen to me. I was beginning to think going to the listening party was a bad idea. I’d made the decision rashly, not thinking about the ramifications on Noah. He had PTSD and I knew what that meant. I should have let him stay home, or I should have stayed home with him. It was cruel of me to force him into a social situation that could trigger him. It didn’t matter if he never attended one single event with me, as long as he was always waiting for me when I got home. Every relationship has its problems, if one of ours was simply Noah’s inability to go out with me in public to big events—so what? I could live with that. As long as he was completely mine.
