Wild Wishes: A Happy Effin Valentine

by Stephanie Burke

  Before Effin could hear more, Buster, the alleged woman slayer, quickly changed the station.

  “News bores me, baby.” He chuckled nervously.

  “Um, is this a rental?” Effin asked, easing toward the door as she noticed that they were heading away from her house and going toward the warehouse district in Dundulk, Maryland.

  “Why? You checking out my pocket book? You need to be like J-Lo, Effin. Her love didn’t cost a thing.”

  “Just a wedding ring, a ceremony and subsequent divorce settlement. Where are we going?”

  “Just for a little spin, to get to get know one another.”

  “I want to go home.”

  “Don’t be like that, baby.”

  “Don’t ‘baby’ me. I want to go home!”

  Effin was getting really nervous now. The lights of civilization were spinning away from view and the dark shapes of the warehouses loomed darkly before her.

  “Why? You too good to go out with a stock boy?” Buster sneered, beginning to look every bit as menacing as his comrades in arms.

  “No, but because I like life, I want out of this vehicle.”

  Effin reached for the handle of the Jag, tugging unobtrusively while Mr. Serial Killer kept his eyes on the winding roads.

  “If I wanted to hurt you, you would be dead by now.”

  With that, Effin opened her mouth and began to scream. Loud, piercing wails left her throat as she pulled on the handle.

  “God, I take it back! I don’t want to die!” she screamed, fearful eyes on Buster.

  “Hey ... hey!” Buster tried to calm her. “I was just kidding! I was playing!” He reached out to calm Effin, but she screamed even louder as she popped her seatbelt open and began to push frantically at the door.

  As Buster made another attempt to reach out to her, the door swung open. Seeing her chance, Effin dove out of the slow-moving car, and rolled several times, screaming at the top of her lungs.

  “Stupid bitch!” Buster bellowed, before hitting the gas and taking off for parts unknown, leaving Effin safe, but dreadfully lost and alone.

  * * * * *

  Lost, alone, with no cab in sight, wearing the best in hooch wear, Effin sat on the side of the road and let the tears flow.

  “What the hell did I ever do to deserve this?” she wailed. “Gremlins, I’m so sorry I doubted you! God, please stop punishing me for the death comments. I’ll even bake the tow truck guy cookies! Christa, you set me up with an alleged serial killer! Please, somebody make it go away!”

  In desperation, she reached for her cell phone, then winced as she discovered her cute little black purse was now a torn, wretched silk sack which contained the remains of her cell.

  Sniffing, she realized that she still had cash, but no way to call a cab.

  “It’s hopeless.” She sniffled and dropped her head in defeat. “Nothing else is left to go wrong.”

  Then it started to rain.

  * * * * *

  Masataka watched the car screech by and the saw the body come tumbling out. Female, he determined, from the sounds of her wailing and the way she rolled.

  She landed almost on her face before she pulled herself together and sat down on the most delicious rump he had ever seen.

  The female was black, stacked, and apparently having one hell of a day. He listened to her litany of sobbing and self-recriminations before he pulled himself from his hidey-hole and went to investigate further.

  He was a cat, and damned if he wasn’t a curious creature.

  * * * * *

  Effin looked up at the sky and sighed.

  The rain could not do any worse! She was dressed in organic hooch wear, her long lace scarf barely clinging to her ass; her only viable means to communicate that she needed help was trashed, and now it was raining on her.

  Resigned, she stopped her sniffles, rose to her feet, and started the long trek toward the lights of the city.

  If she were lucky -- and up to this point she would have to say the only luck she’d had was Murphy’s -- she wouldn’t be mugged, shot, raped, or beaten to within a inch of her life for her cute little shoes.

  She took one step, then tripped over something once again, and found herself windmilling her arms to no avail. Her legs went out from underneath her and she landed once again flat on her ass.

  “Ouch, dammit!” she grumbled, looking around to see what she had tripped over, after assessing that the damage was only to her pride.

  Looking down, she spied the most amazingly cute thing -- a small black cat looking up at her.

  “Damn, baby.” She giggled, “You look like you are having a day like I am.”

  Masataka said nothing, but he edged closer to the female, feeling drawn to her. He hadn’t meant to make her fall onto such a delicious ass, but he had to get another look at this female.

  Maybe she would take him home if he played his cards right.

  So he looked up at her with almost-human, liquid eyes, making them as large as he could while offering up a pitiful mew.

  “Poor baby,” Effin purred, then plucked the small kitten up from the cold ground.

  His fur was damp but soft as she nestled the little ... guy? She lifted its tail and peered underneath, ignoring the indignant squawk, and saw that he was indeed a guy.

  “You got big balls for a kitten.” She chuckled, righting the spitting kitten and soothing the fur he had raised over his body in protest at her peeping.

  “I’m sorry, but I have to know what to call you. Anaconda would be appropriate.” She snickered before cuddling the cat close and got a purr out of the deal. “You and I are castaways, apparently. And you know what? I’m going to spend the rest of my night with you.”

  Looking at her watch, she was pleased to see the crystal wasn’t shattered and she could still see the time.

  “It’s almost midnight, kitty. That lovely man and scenic ride took longer than I thought.”

  Sighing, she rose to her feet, kitty in arms, as she began her trek toward the lights again.

  “You see, I didn’t want to spend Valentine’s Day alone, pretty kitty. I wanted to go out on a date with a fine brother who had it together. Instead, I got a reject from Boyz in the Hood, along with his supporting cast of assholes.”

  She winced as she began to climb up the embankment she had rolled down, praying that the rain would not make her trip more difficult than it already was. But she made it to the top with no trouble at all, her new friend purring contentedly in her arms.

  “You must be a good luck kitty.”

  Masataka rolled his eyes. She had no idea.

  “Kitty, I am going to take you home with me and then I won’t spend the rest of this wretched day alone.”

  She began her walk up the road that Buster, the forty-year-old stock boy, had driven down. “I wish you were a man, little pretty kitty. With that package, you would definitely be something scary in bed.” She smirked at that wicked thought. “Then I would have caught and claimed a male of my own and I wouldn’t be alone.”

  Masataka could relate. He mewed quietly and reached up to lick the tears from her face.

  “Thank you, pretty kitty.” Effin felt a boost in her self-confidence. Maybe owning a pet would be good therapy. First, though, she’d have to get him fixed ...

  Those thought were interrupted by the lights of a vehicle shining through light drizzle. She made ready to leap if it was a black rented Jag, getting a firm grip on her bag and her kitty. Instead of Buster and the obnoxious gang out for revenge, she spied the warm comfort of a Yellow Cab.

  “Yes!” she shrieked, jumping up and down, waving one arm in the air.

  For a moment, she thought the cab was going to pass her by, but her kitty yowled along with her and suddenly the cab stopped.

  Effin ran to the passenger side window and tapped the glass. “Please tell me that you are taking fares?” she asked, all but dancing in her hope.

  “Lady, you shouldn’t be out here dressed like that,” t
he cabbie, an older lady, admonished. “People will think you are a hooker. Besides, there is a serial killer on the loose.”

  “Let’s just say it was a bad date, gone even worse,” Effin said with a sigh. “More like a Greek tragedy. So, are you taking fares?”

  The cabbie was about to answer when Masataka mewed.

  “What a pretty little kitten. Did ya find him here?” she asked. Her tired eyes, which had appeared more cynical than Effin’s, widened with glee.

  “Someone tossed the little guy away so I am taking him home. Best thing to happen to me since this morning.” She cuddled Masa against her cheek.

  “Get in.”

  “Pretty kitty,” Effin purred, after she settled in the back seat and gave the cabbie her address. “You must be good luck.”

  Looking down at her watch, she saw that it was midnight exactly.

  “I survived the St. Valentine’s Day Date Massacre.” She looked down as her kitty began to purr. “Happy Valentine’s Day, kitty. May tomorrow be a hell of a lot better than today.”

  Chapter Nine

  Effin carried her shivering yet precious burden into her house. Her kitty immediately began to show more signs of life, leaping out of her arms and going off to explore his new environment.

  Somewhere in the back of her mind, she hoped he wouldn’t spray to mark his territory. She decided to make an appointment to get him neutered. Hell, if she had to rely on cats for companionship -- and it certainly seemed like her future would be filled with a string of unproductive dates if this one was anything to go by -- she wanted to ensure that she didn’t have a house filled with cats. One was enough. Besides, she didn’t want to look like the stereotypical old lady with a bunch of cats and no other meaningful relationships at all.

  Since she was still a bit keyed up after all that had happened, she decided to clean up some of the plaster that had fallen. She made her way into the kitchen, hoping against hope that there wouldn’t be a soggy mess for her to take care of, but to her surprise, the kitchen was dry, albeit dusty.

  So she spent a good thirty minutes picking up plaster and sweeping up the worst of the mess.

  That done, and feeling more grody than ever, Effin decided to make for the bathtub. First, though, she needed to create her kitty a makeshift litter box until she could get to a store tomorrow and pick something up.

  But, to her surprise, she found an indignant kitty squatting over the toilet when she pushed open the bathroom door.

  “Somebody trained you right, puss.” She nodded in approval, then left he room as the cat continued to glare at her.

  Soon, she heard the flush of the toilet and Effin returned to see the cat looking up at her smugly.

  “Well, that kills the need for a kitty litter box.” She remembered all those stories about people training their cats to use the john. “I guess the hype was true.”

  That settled, Effin peeled herself out of her damp, clinging clothes and tossed them directly into the garbage.

  “I could never wear them again without the memories,” she explained to the cat, who watched her every move. She assumed that he was learning her personality, never noticing how the cat almost fell off his paws when she stripped out of her undies and tossed them, too. In fact, she never noticed the pained yowl or the eyes that glazed over as they watched her ass sway back and forth as she moved around, collecting things for her bath.

  * * * * *

  Masa thought he was in heaven!

  First thing he did, after detecting the scent of teasing gremlins, was to have a discussion with them.

  His female, as he now thought of that cute human with the great body who had brought him home with her, had said some unthinking things and had annoyed this clan of gremlins. Masataka could understand defending your pride and self-esteem -- he was a good luck neko, after all -- but he couldn’t allow the harassment to continue. To ignore it would fly in the face of all he was, even if a fellow preternatural creature was seeking justice.

  So, he ran off the gremlins and sent a warm wave of good luck throughout her home, undoing a lot of nasty pranks that the gremlins had set for her.

  Then he went off to find the facilities. He hated digging latrines to take care of his personal needs, and found the comforts of a toilet an indulgence he’d never expected to use again.

  But then his female interrupted him. At least she had enough sense to give him privacy to finish his business before she entered again.

  He was looking rather smug at her shocked expression before she began to undress before him. Then it was all he could do to stop himself from hiking that leg back in the air and giving the cock a good old cleaning.

  Effin, as she had named herself, was one hot female!

  She was built like he loved them, all curves and long legs. Her bustline was average, but her breasts were firm and high, perfect for licking and suckling.

  But it was her ass that almost knocked him off any claim to sanity he still possessed. Effin’s ass was high and round and tight, and jiggly! It was perfect! Those globes of dark flesh rubbed together as she walked, teasing him as they slid together in a hypnotic way.

  Then, as she bent over, he almost bit his tongue off, seeing the shadow of a delicate cleft between her thighs. As she bent lower, playing with the water settings in the tub, her cheeks gaped open, just a bit, giving him a teasing glimpse of her tiny rosebud, and beyond that, the milky, pink wink of her clit. Even her cone-shaped breasts swaying slightly as she added some kind of oil to her water made his eyes water with the sheer perfection of this creature!

  He never realized he was purring out loud, his head swaying with her actions as she rose up and turned to look at him.

  * * * * *

  “Oh, does the kitty want a bath?” Effin asked, noticing that her cat seemed to be staring at the tub. “Kitty want to be clean? You are one weird kitty, liking water the way you do.” Effin giggled as she picked up her cat tentatively and eased into the tub. She expected him to hiss and spit, but was surprised when he just glowered at her. “I used lavender oil,” she whispered as she settled into the tub, gently placing her kitty at her feet, laughing as he continued to stare indignantly up at her. Sighing, she reached for him and placed him on the rim of her tub, watching as he stared intently at her and dipped his paws into the warm water.

  She quickly bathed, dried off, and fluff-dried her kitty before climbing into bed with her new friend, gently stroking his head in contentment. The day’s events quickly caught up and they both drifted off to sleep.

  * * * * *

  Last night had been a nightmare of unbelievable proportions, from the blind date from hell to getting dumped in the middle of nowhere.

  Finding a poor, defenseless kitty abandoned on the side of the road was where her luck had begun to change.

  First, the cabbie refused payment for the trip, calling it a Valentine’s Day gift, and then the rain had completely stopped.

  But that was last night and now she was having this delicious dream!

  * * * * *

  Effin moaned as teasing warmth ran over her thighs, a tantalizing brush of silk and satin. This was one hell of a dream, she decided, as her mind began to function, one dream that she didn’t want to wake from.

  She stretched, opening her legs wider, hoping for more of that slick, warm sensation.

  Those silky caresses and gentle touches had taken advantage of her open legs, and now a wet tongue gently circled her clit.

  “Mmm,” she moaned ... then jerked up as the feeling became all too real!

  But it was too late; that burning touch was now crawling up her stomach, teeth nipping, a tongue teasing a navel that had never been erogenous before.

  Before she could open her eyes fully, she screamed in pleasure as a set of warm lips latched onto a turgid nipple, licking and biting, and sending pure sensation shooting down deep within her core.

  There was more of that silky glide -- hair, she assumed -- and then her other nipple was equally a
ttacked, sucked, laved.

  While she was trying to wrap her mind around this, she felt the soft fingers dip and begin to explore her.

  Her widespread legs gave easy access as those curious fingers tickled the insides of her thighs.

  “I can feel you ... you are so wet,” a voice breathed against one heaving breast before she was arching back and shivering.

  Those fingers had traveled up through her slick wetness to gently graze her hungry labia, shooting sparks through her body.

  Her thighs trembling with the sheer joy of the unfamiliar caress, Effin spread her legs wider, lost on a sea of pleasure as her labia were delicately parted.

  “So hot ...” he breathed, and then that head dropped lower, licking a path from her tingling, burning nipples to the thatch of trimmed hair at the top of her groin.

  “I wonder how you taste ...”

  That was her only warning before those fingers spread her labia apart, exposing her swollen flesh.

  Hot breath wafted over her delicate inner flesh, her hooded clit, and then a tongue gently sampled her juices, then delved deeper between her folds.

  “So long ... been so long!” that voice groaned before firm lips wrapped around her clit, suckling and teasing with the tip of a wiggling tongue.

  “Oh, God!” Effin moaned, her hands reaching out to her sides, fisting in her bedclothes. “Lick it harder!”

  Eager to obey, that tongue pressed harder, flicking her clit back and forth before dipping lower to the entrance of her body.

  It wiggled inside as a softly pointed nose nudged her clit.

  “Yes!” Effin screamed, her thighs jerking up to lock around that head that was giving her such pleasure, the hair a silky glide against her overly stimulated flesh.

  Then he was sucking the juices out of her, the fingers easing away from their hold on her labia to dip inside her body.