The Reason I Breathe

by CORY CYR

  Trina’s right. I have no idea what he went through while I lay in a coma. But I needed his strength. I needed him to be an adult.

  “I’m sure he went through a lot. But the fact remains he was going to walk away from our children. I don’t think I can get past that. Please, I do not want him seeing my kids. Respect my wishes. If you can’t, then I’ll get someone to stay at the house. He should be gone by tonight.”

  “You kicked him out?” Trina asks with a look of shock on her face.

  “Yeah. I’m not sure if we, or rather, I can get over this. This isn’t a case of him giving my things away after my death. He’d arranged to have my children raised by you. You know I love you, and Quinn, but this is too much.”

  “You have no idea. I could sit here and tell you a hundred things, but I can never truly explain how it affected him watching you sleep, not knowing if you would wake up. You were in a coma, Ryan. Andrew was awake and keeping vigil every single hour. There were times I was more afraid for him than you. If something happened to you… you wouldn’t have known it. But for my brother, he was watching you slip away, and each moment, a piece of him died with you.

  “You know. I have no doubt Quinn cares for me. I am positive. But he will never love me like my brother loves you. I honestly believe no one could love more than he does. So before you judge him, look at this and let your heart guide you.” Trina gets up and puts what looks like a photograph on my bed. “He was either with you or his son.”

  I turn the photo over and it’s Shea cradling our son in his arms. He is shirtless, sitting in a rocking chair, his face turned into Riley. It’s obvious he’s unaware he’s being photographed. The look on his face is one of tender and abiding love.

  “Don’t ever doubt his love for you or his children.”

  I look up at Trina as I turn the photo back over. “Sometimes love isn’t enough.”

  ~34~

  Shea

  Two months later…

  Dear Ryan, I miss you so much I hardly know where to start. Maybe I should start at the beginning. I need to tell you everything. When you came home, I knew I had only one chance to get it right. I lied to you, Ryan. I pretended to be someone I wasn’t. I did it because I knew you wouldn’t want someone as damaged as I was. I never wanted to bare myself to you regarding the abuse. I survived it, and the little I told you made you cry. Seeing you like that almost killed me. I knew then I had to bury the past deep within and make you believe I was okay.

  I told you about it while you were asleep. It was the only time I was brave enough to confront my demons and share them with you. I knew you didn’t want a man who was weak and broken, but I didn’t care. I’d loved you too long. I would become the man you wanted. A man you could love. Of course, everything that happened kind of threw a wrench into my plan. Through everything, I did feel stronger. But I knew it was all you. As long as you loved me, I felt complete. You made me feel needed. You made me feel wanted. Loving you gave me a purpose.

  You weren’t the only one keeping secrets. I should have talked to someone a long time ago. My father truly fucked me up much more than physically. I don’t want to become him. It scares the hell out of me that I will never be good enough to be a dad. That somehow I will inherit his abusive nature. The truth is it doesn’t take that much to become a father, but it takes everything to be a dad.

  I started having sex early to block out the abuse. Then I realized how much power it gave me and I craved more. I was wanted. I was good at it. And for a while, it kept me satisfied… until you came back. I’d never made love to anyone, and it made me realize you deserved more. You brought emotions to the surface I’d never felt before and old ones I thought I’d buried years before. I’d never had to take care of anyone else’s needs. I’d always come first. I tried to cover up my insecurities by being the perfect boyfriend.

  When you had the accident and then went into a coma. My life stood still. I became petrified to move one foot in front of another. My mind turned to mush and I couldn’t make a decision. It’s as if my soul went into a coma with you, Ryan. You have no idea how I wanted just to lie down beside you and go to sleep. But Holly was always in my thoughts, and I was worried about Riley.

  Did you hear me when I prayed? You know I wasn’t on the best of terms with God at that time—we’re in a better place now. I begged him to take me and spare you. I asked for that because I knew for sure you would survive my loss. You would be resilient because of the children. But for me, babe, I’d never get past the grief, and the children would be a constant reminder of what I’d lost.

  I don’t even remember going to that attorney. When your heart stopped, so did mine. I have no excuse other than a breakdown. I wasn’t trying to abandon them. I wanted to make sure they had the life I was incapable of providing. I knew Trina and Quinn would deliver that. I wanted more for them than I had. I needed to know they had love and stability. I didn’t do it out of malice, Ryan. I did it because I was a coward. You can’t possibly hate me more than I hate myself.

  I’m seeing a therapist. Something I should have done a long time ago. It took me losing my family to make me realize I needed help. He’s the one who told me to write you a letter. Lynne found him for me. I like him. Lynne and her husband have been amazing. I think they have adopted me. I go over to their place for dinner and movie night once a week.

  Trina told me you said love isn’t enough. That might be true, but for me, it’s worth fighting for. I feel strong, and I’m prepared to win this battle. I love you, Ryan, and our children. There are voids in my chest. My heart was always you and our children. I know what I’m saying is only words. Let me prove to you I’m worthy of being your husband and their father.

  I need you to think back. Try to remember all the stories I told you. All my secrets and fears. I entrusted them to you because I knew you would keep them safe. You would know where I’ve been and how far I need to go. And if you love me, Ryan, lead the way, because I need you as a guide. I am not perfect—far from it—but I am willing to be everything you need. A husband and a father. If this letter means nothing and you want me to walk away, I will. Please just say you forgive me. Love, Shea

  ~35~

  Three months later…

  I walk up to the house, feeling uneasy. I’ve only spoken to Ryan on the phone a few times since she read the letter. She’d finally come home two months ago. Trina had taken both Holly and Riley for the night so Ryan and I can be alone and talk. She hasn’t served me divorce papers yet—so that’s a good thing. But we have bills, mountains of medical bills. Ryan made good money, but she won’t be going back to work for at least another month. Disability insurance covers some of the financial obligations, but I’ll have to use more of the money my father left me to supplement our incomes. The only other time I used that account was for the remodeling, but I assume tonight’s conversation will be regarding our debts.

  And I won’t mind. I want to pay for everything. All she has to do is tell me a number and I’ll write a check. All I want is another chance at being a husband and a father. I’m not used to being in a world without her. I miss her so much my entire body aches. I miss my children. I’m not getting to watch them grow up. I love my kids.

  I’ve spent the last five months punishing myself for what I did. Ryan read it all in the letter. We’d talked about it during our brief phone conversations. But she still hadn’t said the words I forgive you.

  I stand by the door for what seems like forever. I’m nervous to knock. I haven’t seen her in months. Being without her now is harder than the thirteen years she was gone. I had no idea back then what to expect when I saw Ryan again for the first time. Now I know. The warmth and touch of my wife. The scent and the mayhem of my daughter. Watching my son develop. All of this moved on while I’ve been banished.

  I tap lightly. I’m not ready for Ryan when she opens the door. Her dark hair hangs thick and wavy around that beautiful face. Her eyes are bright and her cheeks have filled out. Her sk
in looks smooth and polished. I virtually have to refrain from reaching out to touch her. She’s dressed in baggy jeans and a camisole that shows her tattoo. One of the straps has slipped, revealing the creamy expanse of her shoulder. I force back a gulp because my mouth waters to lick that spot. To taste her. To drink her in. I feel my cock twitch against the zipper of my jeans. I roll my eyes at myself, knowing this isn’t the time to get an erection. But it’s been so long since we’ve been together. God, how I miss it. My wife. My kids. Our home. I feel hollow inside.

  My heart beats loudly, and for a moment, I think she can hear it.

  “You want something to drink?” she asks quietly as she motions me to come in.

  “A beer if you have it. If not, coffee’s fine.”

  Ryan returns with a beer and a glass of white wine. I can see her hand trembling as she hands me the bottle. It’s a relief I’m not the only one anxious. She sits on the sofa, and I sit across from her. I suddenly have flashes of our first Christmas when I tasted her on that sofa, her legs wildly spread in front of me as I rested my body on the coffee table.

  Jesus, I need to keep my head on straight. What the hell? We’re here to discuss finances, not fucking. I discreetly fix my rapidly growing crotch.

  The silence is deafening. We’ve been together for seven years, yet now we cannot find the words to speak.

  “I’m sorry,” I murmur. I don’t know what else to say. I feel panic-stricken. I’d thought of a million things I wanted to say, but seeing her now, I just blank.

  “I know you are, Shea.”

  “Just send me the hospital invoices and any other bills you need paid, and I’ll take care of it. I can give you more each month. That’s not a problem.” I’d been giving her nineteen hundred a month. Hell, at this point, she could ask for a million and I would willingly pay it.

  “I don’t need more money, Shea. Christoff’s health insurance will cover most of the medical bills. I didn’t call you over for money.”

  I shift my body as I turn toward her. Fear starts creeping into me. Does she want a divorce? Is that what this is about? I hadn’t really let myself believe that would happen. I hadn’t prepared for that.

  “You want a di-vor…ce?” I ask, stammering

  Surprise and shock cross Ryan’s entire face. Then tranquility settles on her. I don’t know what to expect. She stands and comes over to where I’m sitting, handing me a photograph. I haven’t seen the picture before. Trina or Quinn must have taken it. It is of me holding our son.

  “I look at it every day. I want you to know I heard you, Shea.”

  I can’t decide if I should be feeling angst or exhilaration. Pretty much depends on what part she heard.

  “What did you hear?” I whisper.

  “Stories. You told me about your past and our past. You unburdened yourself to me about how much you loved me and how you were afraid of loss. You exposed all your insecurities and lies. You revealed yourself to me—the real you. The one with flaws and all. I didn’t recall until the letter. Then I began having dreams and remembering.

  “I’ll always be afraid, Shea—that you love me too much. I need to know I can count on your courage. This isn’t about us anymore. We have two other people depending on us. I need you to tell me you’re all in and you’ll never falter again. And I need you to make me believe it.

  “I need you to know I believe with all my heart that you, Shea Michaels, will never be your father. You’re incapable of being him. I would never jeopardize our children’s safety if I thought for a moment that was a possibility.” She languidly sweeps her fingertips across my face as she speaks.

  “Shea, you are that man. The one you pretended to be. You are everything he is. Everything he encompasses that is kind and gentle—that’s you. He is inside you. Let me help you bring him to the surface.” Her singular touch sends a nervous flutter through my chest.

  “I know nothing I say will gain your trust again, so let me prove it to you. I swear I can be better.”

  “Come home, then. Be with us. I miss you. I miss our family. You vowed forever. I’m holding you to that.” She moves closer to me until our bodies are touching side by side. Jesus, if this is another test, I’m going to fail. Miserably.

  “You want me to come home without a test drive?” I ask. I’m attempting to make light of what she just said, but I need her to clarify.

  She chuckles. “Yeah, I don’t think I need a test run. We’ve been apart long enough. I don’t want to be married by myself,” she says softly.

  “Me either. I miss you and the kids so much.” I feel my eyes sting with tears.

  “I know Trina has been sneaking you pictures of them.”

  “I didn’t want to miss anything. My little man is growing like a weed. Another year and we can do sports.” I wink teasingly.

  Ryan shakes her head and giggles. “I think you’ll have to wait a while for that. It will come soon enough.”

  I feel her body lean into mine as warmth spreads throughout my groin. It feels like virgin territory all over again. I yearn to be inside her. She rests her hand on my arm as I turn my head to kiss her. I groan as soon as my lips brush hers and our tongues begin a dance of ownership. I explore hungrily, sampling every inch of her mouth. Her taste represents redemption, and I pray she’s as aroused as I am.

  I reach down and trace a path with my finger along the crease of her pants. It feels hot and damp. A smile curves my lips as I deepen the kiss and continue assaulting her mouth with my tongue. Our breathing sounds labored as I tuck my hand under her camisole and cup her breast. Her nipples become erect and hard as I pull down the top to lick them.

  “Jesus, you taste so good.”

  I feel my bulge swell even more as she struggles with my zipper. I push her hand away as I pull off my sweater. Her eyes begin to dilate as she feasts on my bare chest. I stand and begin to pull down my zipper.

  “Baby, I don’t want to fuck you on the sofa. Let me make love to you in our bed.”

  I don’t remove my pants until we get to the bedroom. I toe off my boots and discard my pants. My cock screams for relief, pointing right at Ryan. She blows out a soft moan as she grasps the head and begins to stroke from bottom to top. I’m desperately trying to think of anything else because I’m bursting with precum, and I know it’s because I’m ready to erupt.

  I begin removing Ryan’s jeans. She has on the daintiest pair of panties, and I want to suckle them with my lips. But there’s no time for foreplay. I push her panties down to her ankles and pull them off. Swiping a finger along her cleft, I find she’s soaked.

  “I can’t wait, baby. I need to be inside you ASAP or this will end right now.”

  She doesn’t say a word as we fall on the bed. She guides my cock to her entrance, coaxing it inside. I moan in ecstasy as I breach the heat and moisture. It’s as if I’m home. Our bodies aligned and in sequence. Our hearts beating in unison. I can hear our breathing as we find closure to release. I feel that familiar grip of her muscles as she squeezes me toward orgasm. My dick begins to throb as we pulsate together. I have months and months of built-up semen, and it spirals through my cock on its way to its destination.

  Our bodies lock onto each other as we come together. I press a kiss to the inside of her neck as her teeth graze my shoulder.

  “I love you, Ryan.”

  “I know, baby. I love you too.”

  We lie there in the darkness and silence for an hour. We have tons to talk about, but for now, I want to bask in postcoital bliss.

  I never thought I’d get another chance. I suppose I’m lucky I have a compassionate wife—one who believes in me. I want to live up to her expectations. I want to become a great father and the man she chooses to spend the rest of her life with. We’ve already endured major trials and tribulations. How much more of this? I have no idea.

  I am a husband.

  I am a father.

  And she forgives and loves me because I am a work in progress.

  ~The
End~

  About the Author

  I began writing music and poetry at an early age. My love of music became my sole focus and I spent quite a few years as the lead singer for many local rock bands. In high school, I was fascinated with the macabre and started writing science fiction and horror stories so dark they earned me the nickname "Gory Cory."

  After years of writing dark tales, I never thought in a million years my first published books would be Adult Romance—themed younger men/older women. My books are written for ages over 18.

  You can find me here:

  Email: coyrcyr.author@gmail.com

  www.authorcorycyr.com

  Other Books by Cory Cyr

  Bite & Release

  Reviving Haven

  Acquiesce