Ruthless Protector (A Lawless Kings Novel Book 4)

by Sherilee Gray

  I stood and snatched my shirt off the floor, yanking it on. “I’m sorry if you thought this was something more. I didn’t mean to make you think…”

  “Don’t do that,” he said. “You can lie to yourself, sweetheart, but don’t lie to me.”

  I’d pulled on my jeans and shoved my feet into my boots. I had to get the hell out of there. If I didn’t, I’d spill all my secrets.

  Jude wasn’t the kind of man to back down. He wanted to protect Tilly and I, and now I knew why he was so relentless when it came to our safety. His own loss made him single minded.

  And if I didn’t stop this thing between us now, if I allowed him to come at me all guns blazing, I’d cave, I’d give in. I’d wrap myself around his big body, drown in him, and I’d never let go.

  But I wouldn’t let anything happen to him because of me.

  And then there was the matter of a dying wish to fulfill.

  I had no choice. None.

  I turned to him. He was standing as well now, jeans on but not done up, hands on his hips, looking down at me.

  I had to finish this. I had to take my final shot. I thought I might be sick. “You’ve shown me who you are, Jude, and you’re…you’re such a good man, the best. But I can’t be your next crusade, your next mission, your next rappel from a second-story window. I don’t need saving. I’m so sorry about Kate and Louis. But Tilly and I, we’re not them. We don’t need you. We don’t need any man,” I choked out, and turned away to pick up my jacket, to hide the tears welling in my eyes.

  How many times had I said that to myself before I met Jude. I don’t need anyone else. But that was the old me. Willa before Jude. Cynical, hurting, untrusting. Scared.

  Jude had changed all of that.

  I could hear him breathing hard behind me. “You must want me out of your life pretty bad if you’re willing to throw Kate and Louis back in my face.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut and I felt a rush of hot tears streak down my face. I was at the door and I gripped the frame for support. “That’s not, I didn’t…”

  “Don’t let me hold you up, beautiful. You know your way out.”

  I bit my lip, fingers digging into the doorframe. Everything in me screamed to stay. But I couldn’t.

  I let go and walked out.

  22

  Willa

  “You okay, honey?” Steph asked, surprising me.

  We were in the dressing room, taking a break, a moment of quiet before heading back out to the smoke and heat and throbbing music of the club.

  I looked at the mirror, and nodded at her reflection. Doing what she and I always did. We were fine. We were always fine. This time, though, she shook her head and put her hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

  “You’re too young to be as closed off as me.”

  “You’re only a couple of years older than me,” I reminded her.

  She shook her head, her soft, wavy red locks moving around her lovely face. Lovely, but wary. “I feel a hundred years old some days.”

  “What’s going on?”

  Steph and I talked, no, maybe nothing too deep, but we did have a bond, a friendship of sorts, and in the months that I’d worked here, I’d never seen her like this.

  She smiled. It was sad and that sadness reached her eyes. “For a long time, I’ve been closed off. I shut down completely, for a lot of reasons. To protect myself mainly.” She bit her lip and glanced away. When she looked back at me, her eyes were glistening. “I think…I think maybe that was a mistake. When someone hurts you, really hurts you, you get into this habit of pushing people away, you know, until it becomes second nature. Until you don’t know why you’re doing it anymore, until you don’t know how to…be. Until the person you were, they’re just gone, lost.”

  I stood and turned to her. “Steph…”

  “And then one day, you wake up and you realize you’re too late, that you’re so deep inside yourself, so broken, that you don’t even know how to break free. That you…” She sucked in a shaky breath. “That you don’t know how to reach for happiness, that you don’t even know what that is anymore. That you’ve missed your chance.”

  She blinked, and a tear streaked down her face.

  “Jesus, Steph, what happened?”

  She gave me another one of her sad smiles. “Don’t forget how to look beyond your own pain, Willa, because one day, you’ll realize it’s too late, there’s nothing left. That you’re nothing but a shell.” Her arms came around me and she gave me a quick squeeze. “I’ll miss you.”

  “Raul told you?”

  She nodded.

  I held her eyes. “I’ll miss you, too.”

  She straightened her shoulders, wiped her eyes, and I watched as the mask dropped, the performer returned, and the Steph she’d just shown me vanished. She smiled and gave me a wink. “See you out on the floor.” Then she walked out.

  I had no idea why Steph said what she did, but it hit me, hard. I knew she and I had things in common. I mean, I didn’t know what had caused her that kind of pain, but it was something we shared. I’d leaned on her, but I hadn’t gotten too close.

  She’d done the same.

  I regretted that now. I regretted that I’d never really gotten to know her, that I hadn’t tried.

  Her words struck, rang true. I didn’t like the way they made me feel.

  I chose not to look too deeply into why that was, straightened my shoulders, and headed out to the floor for my last shift. Raul had been disappointed that I was leaving, but he didn’t question me over my decision to leave town, though I could see in his eyes that he wanted to.

  He’d probably called Fay as soon as I’d left his office.

  The club was even busier when I walked out, and I was glad for it. Anything to take my mind off my situation. Off what came next.

  Off what I was leaving behind.

  I’d already done my dance on stage and for the next hour, I’d move around the club, giving lap dances to those willing to pay, and maybe even a private dance or two. I needed every penny I’d make tonight.

  I was heading to the back of the club, when I spotted Raul sitting in one of the booths. Van and Hunter were sitting opposite him. My heart stuck in my throat as I scanned the rest of the table. No Jude.

  I was equally relieved and disappointed.

  I’d walked out of his room two nights ago, and the feeling of being socked in the chest hadn’t dimmed one bit. It wasn’t going to, and that sucked. I thought I’d be able to handle it; that eventually, I’d compartmentalize it with everything else, lock it away. But now I wasn’t so sure, this felt more, God, incapacitating. Getting up the morning after, this morning, had taken everything I had.

  I was heartbroken, pure and simple, and it hurt like hell.

  Steph walked over. “Raul said you’ve got a private dance waiting in room two.”

  Private dances weren’t my favorite things to do, but they paid well, and right then, the idea of getting lost in the music for the next little while was exactly what I needed. “Thanks, Steph.”

  I gave her arm a squeeze, and headed to the private rooms down the corridor, at the back of the club.

  The rooms were small, empty apart from a chair in the middle of the floor. The lights were permanently dimmed, and music pumped through the speakers in the corner of the room. When I did these dances, I tended not to look too hard at the guys I was dancing for. It felt too intimate, especially in the small space, but I knew who was sitting in that chair as soon as I opened the door, before I even lifted my gaze to the big man waiting for me in that room.

  He said nothing, his gaze burning into me. I knew why he was here, and I knew the conversation that was about to follow was going to be hell. The music still came through the speakers and when I glanced up at the camera, I saw the light wasn’t flashing, we weren’t being watched. That was all Jude, I had no doubt.

  It had only been two days, but I missed him, so much, which was why, instead of walking out and removing m
yself from what I knew would happen, from the whole lot of pain that was coming…I started moving.

  Jude’s wide chest expanded sharply.

  His hands were resting on his solid thighs, and his fingers spread, digging into firm muscle.

  I’d surprised us both.

  I let the music move through me, and for once, instead of imagining only Jude was watching me, that I was dancing for only him, it was reality. And just like in my fantasies, it was insanely hot. Having him, and only him, watching as I moved my hands over my body, hips swaying, barely dressed, made me feel like the sexiest woman alive.

  I shouldn’t be doing this, it wasn’t fair, on either of us, but the way my body responded as soon as I realized it was Jude in this room, had washed all reason away, had me craving his touch.

  I slowly danced around him, and his darkened gaze followed my every move. Red slashed each cheek. And though his hands stayed where they were, gripping his thighs, there was no missing the massive bulge straining the front of his jeans. He wanted me too.

  The song finished and the next started. Slow, throbbing, the bass moving through me from head to toe. I was behind him now and I dragged my hand across his shoulders as I moved to the front. His eyes lifted to mine and it was…too much. He’d see too much.

  I dropped to my knees, my shaky fingers attacking his zipper. I’d make him feel good, I’d give him this, I’d worship him, an apology for the way I’d treated him. A thank you, for everything he’d done for me.

  His cock sprang free, so thick and long and hard. Jude thrust his fingers in my hair, I thought to encourage me, but when I leaned in to take him in my mouth, he tightened his hold and forced me to tilt my head back, forced me to look into his blazing eyes.

  His head jerked to the side. “You think you can hide from me,” he rasped. “You want my cock inside you, it’s in your pussy, not your mouth.”

  My breathing was uneven, my thighs squeezed tight together, so wet, they were slick with how much I wanted him.

  “You want my cock in that tight pussy?” he said softly, in a way that lifted goosebumps all over my body. I nodded.

  He moved fast, lifting me off the floor and onto his lap. His hand was between us and he yanked my panties aside, fisted his cock, and slammed up inside me.

  I buried my face against the side of his thick neck and screamed.

  He stood suddenly, spun us around, and shoved me up against the wall. Then he pinned me to that wall and fucked me, hard.

  “You thought you could just leave, just walk away from me, pretend this thing between us doesn’t exist?”

  I cried out; the pain in my heart combined with the pleasure he was giving me was too much. “I have to leave,” I choked out.

  He cursed and slammed up inside me two more times, then we were both coming, gasping and clutching at each other, shaking from the intensity that was always there between us.

  My heart was full of love for this man, so much I didn’t know how I could contain it.

  I also knew I couldn’t stay, for so many reasons.

  Yes, Trent was the main one, but there was also Tilly.

  Tilly had lost her mom, she didn’t have a father worth a shit. He’d terrorized her, had hurt her over and over again. I didn’t think she could handle anymore loss. If Jude and I had given this a shot, and it didn’t work out, if it fell apart, it would be just another loss for Tilly, one I didn’t think she would bounce back from, after everything she’d been through. I promised I’d take care of her. If I put myself first, if I risked Tilly’s heart for my own happiness, I’d be no better than Trent—and I’d be letting Rebecca down, all over again.

  I loved my niece too much to do that to her.

  Getting her away, away from her father, away from the risk of more pain, was the only way forward for us.

  It was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, but I loosened my hold on Jude and let him go. He slipped from my body and stepped back, tucking himself back in, while he stared down at me with those soulful, gentle, gorgeous brown eyes. My nose started stinging, the backs of my eyes prickling.

  He reached for me again automatically. “Willa…”

  I shook my head, and moved away from him.

  My heart was being torn from my chest and judging by the way he was looking at me, the pain was written all over my face. If he touched me, if I let him hold me again, I didn’t know if I could do this—and I had to do this.

  I looked up at Jude. “Fay has a friend in Ohio, she owns a coffee house, has a small place behind it. She said it’s ours if we want it, that she can give me work.”

  Jude’s big body was frozen in front of me, the expression on his face cutting me to the bone.

  “I…I want us to stay friends. I know Tilly would want to stay in contact…if that’s okay with you?”

  “You’re really leaving?” he said.

  I nodded.

  A muscle in his jaw jumped. “And you want us to be…friends?”

  I swallowed compulsively, the stinging behind my eyes increasing. “Yes…friends.”

  “You just came for me. Christ, I can still feel the heat of you wrapped around my cock, and you want us to be friends?” He shook his head. “You’re just going to walk away, from me, from us, and not look back?”

  “It’s the way it has to be,” I said, hugging myself.

  “Were you even going to tell me?” he asked.

  I couldn’t meet his eyes. I’d planned to leave him a note.

  “Jesus fucking Christ, Willa, I love you,” he said, taking a step toward me. One of his hands went to my waist and his fingers curled in, hanging onto me like he was afraid I was leaving that very second. “And you love me, too, I know you do. You don’t need to do this.”

  He loved me? He loved me, too.

  I kept my arms at my sides, even though my fingers itched to grab onto him, to feel his beard against my palms, his solid chest against my cheek, his arms tight around me again.

  “We need to start fresh. Tilly needs a fresh start. New York, it’s…it’s not a good place for us.”

  His fingers dug deeper. “I’ll take care of you, we can make a go of things, Willa. You and me, and Tilly…”

  Oh God. “Jude…no.” I shook my head. “You and me. It won’t work…”

  “Bullshit.”

  “Jude…”

  “You think we can just be friends? That I could let you just walk away? You love me,” he said again, breath huffing through his nose, his massive chest rising and falling, strain lining his face. “We love each other.”

  I wanted to crawl into a ball. I never wanted to see the pain I’d cause him, the pain that was tearing me apart. I couldn’t lie to him. I couldn’t pretend. He deserved the truth. “I do. I love you, Jude, but it’s not enough. If I was a different person, or this was a different time, or…”

  “I don’t want a different damn person. I want you, as you are,” he gritted out. “And you want me, too.”

  I blinked, and the tears I’d been fighting slid down my cheeks. I tried to step back, but he wouldn’t let go.

  “Nothing lasts forever,” I said. “Nothing feels good forever. What if you get bored or feel smothered, getting this…this instant family, or suddenly this isn’t what you want anymore? You’ll leave, and you’ll be just another person to walk out on Tilly, to break her heart. I won’t do that to her, I won’t risk her heart, Jude. I won’t. She’s been through too much already, more than any kid should. She deserves more than that, and I promised her mother I’d give it to her.” I swiped at the tears that wouldn’t stop. “And I promised I’d do it alone.”

  He tugged me forward the next time I tried to pull out of his hold, slamming me up against his chest, hands going to either side of my face, tilting it back and staring into my eyes. “Listen to me, just fucking listen. I get where you’re coming from, I do, beautiful, but I would never do that. I would never leave you, either of you. I’d cut off my own arm before I hurt that little girl. You�
�re mine, both of you are. Do you get that? I claimed you both as mine and there is no going back.”

  I need you to promise me you’ll take care of Tilly if anything happens to me. Promise me you’ll raise her right. No man. You’ll look after my baby, you’ll keep her safe, and you’ll do it on your own.

  My sister’s voice rang through my mind, like she was standing right beside me. I squeezed my eyes shut and I saw her there, lying on her bedroom floor, hand clutched in mine, begging me to keep that promise with her dying breath.

  Then I saw Trent, desperate, and full of rage.

  There was no other choice.

  “I’m so sorry, Jude,” I said, a sob wrenching from me, so soul shaking it caused physical pain.

  He just stood there, staring at me, like he couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. Like he was waiting for me to tell him I was lying, or for me to snatch all the things I’d said back. It was agony, but I said nothing. I waited for him to see the truth in my eyes.

  That it really was over. That we were over.

  He tucked my hair behind my ear, expression hard, blazing, furious. Then he leaned in, pressing a hard kiss to my lips. “You’re making a mistake. When you work it out, I’ll be waiting. I’m not giving up on you, Willa Hartley. Never. You understand?” Then he released me and walked out the door.

  I stumbled back, until my back met the wall, and slid to my ass. I sat there, staring after him, long after he’d gone.

  Goodbye, Jude.

  23

  Jude

  “You talked to her?” Van asked.

  I sat heavily on my couch, phone in my hand, and stared at the ceiling. Was she up there? What was she doing right now? Jesus, she owned me, heart and soul, and she had no damned idea. Or maybe she did. Fuck, if I knew, but I planned on making her see it, making her believe it.

  “Jude?”

  “There’s nothing to talk about. She’s decided running is a better bet than trusting me with the truth, whatever the hell that is.”