Zombie Apocalypse Now!

by Thorfinn Skullsplitter

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  perhaps along the lines of an extra-terrestrial infection source, as hinted by George A. Romero in the classic zombie movie Night of the Living Dead (1968).

  Eugene’s cannibalistic and aggressive behavior and resistance to torso hits was first thought to be due to his consumption of “bath salts” or fake marijuana, synthetic cathinones that can cause violent psychotic behavior. Eugene “the zombie,” eating 80 percent of the face of his victim, including his eyes, is an extreme case, but less dramatic cases of individuals going crazy, allegedly on “bath salts”

  had previously occurred in Miami. However, the toxicology report on Eugene revealed that he had not consumed “bath salts,” only marijuana. Amusingly, when I described these events to an old lady friend of my dear deceased mother she said to me: “Dear, I will never put bath salts in my bath again!” Along similar lines in May 2015, an “ice” (meth) addict at John Hunter Hospital, Newcastle, Australia, gouged out his own eyebal s and ate them.

  Following the next crazy media cycle was news that the “Canadian porno psycho” Luka Rocco Magnotta, 29, had been arrested outside an internet café in Berlin. Magnotta was charged with dismembering a Chinese student, Jun Lin, 33, and filming the killing. It included scenes of necrophilia and cannibalism. Magnotta, who considered himself a bisexual porn actor, then posted the gruesome spectacle online. He also remembered to mail severed limbs to Canadian political parties, with a human foot arriving via the post to the headquarters of Canada’s Conservative Party. Magnotta obviously was not trying to lend them a hand.

  Perhaps not to be outdone in the theater of horrors by the Americans, face eating has also occurred in China. A woman called

  “Du” was driving her car near a bus station in Wenzhou. A man ran into the street blocking her car. Meet “Dong.” Dong jumped onto Du’s car, pounding on the windshield, “Ding Dong” style, perhaps believing that he was a Chinese bel . Du was terrified by this lunatic and as in the movies, did the predictable thing and fled her car instead of using her car as a weapon. After al , from the safety of steel and glass she could have stayed in her car, accelerated, and then 17

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  braked, dumping the lunatic. And, as in any H grade horror movie, Dong pursued the fleeing, screaming Du, and in a Chinese version of a zombie flick, caught up with her, jumped onto her and started eating her face. The police intervened. Dong, it seems was drunk on alcohol at the time. Who knows how he would have behaved if he had drunk a bathtub full of bath salts. The question now is: were his organs harvested?

  In a place described by two of its past Prime Ministers as at the

  “arse (ass/anus) end of the world,” Australia, the case of the “vampire”

  gigolo killer occurred. He claimed that he needed to drink human blood to survive. Nevertheless, there is a “zombie” theme in there as well: apart from slaying a male prostitute he savagely beat a woman and bit off her tongue.

  Here is a cook’s tour of a number of other gruesome killings or assaults involving cannibalism or threats of cannibalism that occurred in the West a few years ago.

  In Sweden, a man believed that his younger wife was cheating on him, so he cut off her lips and ate them, thus chewing on her. In Texas, a mother was accused of eating her new-born son, including parts of his brain and biting off three of his toes. A Morgan State University student, killed, dismembered and ate his roommate, which involved eating his heart and parts of his brain. A New Jersey man stabbed himself and when police came, engaged in disembowelment and then threw part of his intestines at police, I suppose, in much the same way as fellow primates throw their excreta.

  Lock up your dog as even the family Fido is not safe from human jaws. In Texas, a man smoked synthetic marijuana, assaulted friends and neighbors, and then ran around on all fours, growling and barking like a dog. Perhaps not wanting any canine competition, he then grabbed the family dog, choked it and began eating it. This takes America’s passion for hot dogs to a completely new level.

  Moreover, speaking of “hot dogs,” Clear Food, a molecular food analysis group examined a sample of 345 individual hot dogs and sauces from 75 different brands sold at 10 food retailers. Human dna was present in two percent of the samples and ⅔ of these samples with 18

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  human dna were vegetarian products. The report did not identify where the human dna came from, with most comments saying that it was probably a hygiene issue involving saliva, hair and bodily fluids such as sweat, as is common with restaurant foods, which sometimes also contains traces of human excreta from cooks with loose bowels who just don’t care. Nevertheless, there is still the remote possibility that people are being thrown into the mincers or are ejaculating into the food, or both, ejaculating first of course.

  In Georgia though, things did not get out of hand. A 21-year-old man ran out of the woods naked, a common enough thing to do.

  Police were called, who tasered and handcuffed him, also a common enough thing to do. But, as he was being dragged into the patrol car to be taken off for processing (criminal processing not pet food processing) he was heard to yel , “I’m a eat you,” the joint he had smoked laced with bath salts obviously impacting upon his grammar.

  The kindly Georgian officers corrected him; the correct phrase for a naked wannabe cannibal is “I’m going to eat you” or “I’m a-goin’ t’

  eat y’u.” Suitably reprimanded, the man sat quietly, biting his lip and chewing things over in his drug-soaked head.

  Crimes involving dismemberment and cannibalism are not recent, and as we have been told, “happen all the time.” Thus, way, way back in the dim dark ages of 2010, a US cage fighter became convinced that his training partner was possessed by the devil. It happens.

  Usual y it is all sorted out by the time his head hits the canvas, but cage-man this time had drunk a potent potion brewed by some evil chemical wizard, allegedly containing a powerful hal ucinogen, wild mushroom tea. He then “ripped” open his partner’s chest and tore out his still beating heart. At first, I was impressed and thought that he had done it with his bare hands as in the movie Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984). But, no, he used a knife. He cheated. It is not clear what his martial-arts trained victim was doing by way of self-defense at the time; apparently, nothing. However, heart now liberated, cage-man then cut off the victim’s tongue and ripped off most of his face. The police found cage-man as happy as a pig in shit, standing naked over the dismembered body, drenched in blood, body 19

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  parts such as eyebal s strewn untidily on the floor. Cage-man had taken the heart and other organs and cooked them to “stop the devil,”

  which would only work if the devil was a tapeworm. Fortunately, this event did not give rise to a new species of reality tv show where losers of gladiatorial battles in martial arts cages found themselves, or their bodily parts, as the main event in a reality tv cooking show.

  On September 7, 2012, in Hawley Borough, Wayne County Pennsylvania, a naked and profusely bleeding man, gnawed on a woman’s head while “screaming like an animal.” The 20-year-old man parked his car behind a house on Hudson Street and stripped to his underwear. He then unsuccessful y tried to break into a house and then succeeded in taking off his underwear, perhaps believing that his now liberated, freewheeling genitalia would improve his housebreaking skil s. He then continued down Hudson Street and broke into an unoccupied house. Journeying up to that home’s second storey, he jumped out of a window, severely injuring his arms and legs on impact. Literal y oozing blood, he then approached two women walking down the street and attacked one woman, and as has been said, gnawed on her head and emitted an animalistic scream.

  Fortunately, the woman was able to escape and she called the police.

  The police tasered him. Even so, he was still able to punch an emt in the face. When he was final y subdued, paramedics took him to the Ge
isinger Community Medical Center for treatment of his injuries.

  Police were uncertain of what cocktail of drugs, if any, he had wolfed down.

  All of this is enough to make one lose one’s head. In fact, in early 2016, to get the New Year to a raging start, just after the mass rapes in Europe by poor oppressed refugees suffering “sexual emergencies,”

  a man from near Frankfurt, Germany, strangled and dismembered his wife. He then encased her head in concrete and used the concrete block as a weight as he drowned himself. Two suitcases containing the wife’s other body parts were found near the shore of the lake Traunsee of the town of Gmunden, Upper Austria.

  Here is one of my favorite stories and I hope that it will be yours too (apologies to South Park). Did you hear the one about the woman 20

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  arrested for masturbating on the side of a Florida highway? The 35-year-old white woman was arrested after masturbating on the side of highway 484 Ocala, Florida. Traffic slowed down and many male drivers made illegal U-turns on the highway to get another eyeful.

  When a police officer (no doubt called by a woman) tried to pull up her pants, she tried to bite her! At the jail she “continued to resist the officers by spreading her legs, exposing her vagina and telling officers to kiss her “there” and refusing verbal commands to cooperate.”

  Her connection to zombieism is tenuous, and this is added solely for amusement purposes. However, forced at tooth-point to give a straight answer, perhaps she simply wanted to be “eaten.”

  In Brazil, June 2019, a vibrating place at the best of times, a mum and her lesbian lover tore off her 9-year old son’s penis, removed all of the skin from his face, and beheaded him, because, “he reminded her of her dad.”14 That ruled out necrophilia I suppose.

  While not exactly causing people to eat others, krokodil (dihydrodesoxymorphine), cheap Russian heroin, has been called a

  “zombie drug” that rots the skin from the inside out. This synthetic opiate in a pure form was patented in the 1930’s under the brand name Permonid. A highly impure version, popular in Russia, is made from codeine, iodine and red phosphorus, with highly toxic impurities from gasoline, paint thinner and industrial cleaning oil.

  “Krokodil” is a Russian word for “crocodile;” it is estimated that up to one in a million users end up with a scale-like appearance to their skin. Bodily damage comes from gangrene, among other pleasantries, giving the life expectancy of addicts of about two years.

  The flesh literal y rots of the bones of addicts, making them almost

  “the walking dead.” The drug has spread to the US, natural y enough, because almost every insane thing spreads to the US, or comes from the US, the universal salad dressing. If such drug users were also exposed to “Devil’s Breath” or scopolamine, then we would move even closer to chemical y creating a zombie. This Colombian drug, delivered by blowing it in someone’s face, eliminates free will and 14 https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/9300395/mum-son-lesbian-lover-murder-killed-brazil/.

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  blocks memories. People under its influence, have emptied bank accounts and even given up organs.

  There were reports of a flesh-eating disease in the Philippines in 2013 in the province of Pangasinan, of an unknown origin. Another flesh-eating disease, Leishmanisis disease, in 2015 and 2017, was spreading in isis-controlled areas of Syria, arising from parasites feasting on rotting human corpses lying in the streets. A mysterious

  “nodding disease,” thought to be caused by a parasitic worm, has been debilitating children in northern Uganda, causing epilepsy-like seizures and producing strange symptoms such as starting fires.

  Presumably, if these diseases could get together and make sweet genetic love, we also would be moving towards zombieism. As wel , if the infected person was unfortunate enough to simultaneously acquire Cotard’s syndrome, or “walking corpse il usion,” where the person actual y believes that one he/she is dead and putrefying, this would be like being in The Walking Dead, only with half the fun.

  “God” certainly has blessed us with a diversity of diseases, biological y enriching the planet.

  My own personal encounter with a proto-zombie occurred in June 2012. As in any good story, it was a bitterly cold winter’s night. I had returned to the city after clearing feral trees on a property in the West Texas hil s. I was about to enter a small independent supermarket when I saw, at a nearby crossing, a small guy wearing only a pair of briefs. He began jumping in front of cars, clearly intending to be hit by drivers; the drivers braked, but impacts still occurred. Mr.

  Underpants was tossed up onto the bonnets of the cars, slid down and then tried to punch the drivers. Everybody sped off and soon people were not stopping at the lights, running reds to escape this lunatic. Only a few pedestrians were on the street and he ran at them, screaming wildly. By this time, his body was cut and bleeding but he was oblivious to his injuries. I watched in amazement. So did a Chinese fellow who decided to say: “You must stop doing that; it is very bad.” Crazy man heard that and said: “So, we have a hero here do we? And who is the hero?” He looked at me on the sidewalk, (the Chinese man had wisely fled) and pointed at me and said: “You’re the 22

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  hero!” He then ran at me, threatening to tear out my heart, among other things. However, he stopped when he got within striking range.

  This time he did not face a soft urban man, but instead an ageing powerlifter and martial artist of over 50 years of experience, and still a lean 303 pounds. Also, someone who appreciated that the human race is essential y degenerate filth, present company excluded. Not wanting to find out what diseases he had in his blood, I military pressed, a wheeled shopping cart and spat this line at him: “Try to touch me, you fucking lunatic, and you can wear this.” He stopped in his tracks, shocked, and then turned and ran. Perhaps the resistance was too much for him. I immediately left the area as he may have run off to get his handgun. As I walked off I noticed how the trail of blood that he had left on the pavement was being was being washed away from the falling rain. Good on you, rain. Perhaps some sjw (Social Justice Warrior) will write a song about this one day; the answer is flowin’ in the rain.

  All of these examples involve individuals losing their heads. What about larger social groups? Consider Papua New Guinea, where after the “zombie apocalypse” events just listed occurred, various acts of savagery happened suggesting the “mutant zombie biker” (mzb) theme. The mzb, perhaps first mentioned by David Crawford in Lights Out 15 and depicted in the Mad Max/ Road Warrior movies and The Road (2009)16 is a metaphor for those who reject the values of civilization and stand ready to revert to savagery. “Normal” humans are capable of greater brutality than any zombie in The Walking Dead, which is the thesis of this chapter .

  For example , the first episode of amc’s spinoff Fear the Walking Dead (2015), takes us to the time when the zombie apocalypse was just beginning, but the level of social decay, violence and drug-addicted 15 David Crawford, Lights Out (Halffast Publishing, San Antonio, 2010), Chapter 20,

  “Mutant Zombie Bikers.” The attackers in this case were not literal y “bikers” but a motorized gang of scum.

  16 Matt Mogk in Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Zombies, as above, says that the movie The Road, with its roaming bands of cannibalistic killers, gives a “more realistic picture of an undead planet” (i.e. a zombie planet) than much of the recent zombie literature and film. (p. 113)

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  dysfunction is quite consistent with a comparable apocalypse. It is essential y our world a little further down the track. Who needs the flesh-eating zombies to be terrified? They are just the rotting icing on a decaying cake. It is the humans who are truly terrifying, which is the core theme of the zombie genre.

  Consider the following. An elderly woman was abducted in Lopel Village PNG on April 2, 2013, by a crazed mob of v
il agers. They believed that the old woman was a witch who had used sorcery on a former schoolteacher who had died. Relatives of the deceased teacher, constituting said crazy mob, held her captive and tortured her for three days with knives and axes. Police attended the vil age but were hopelessly outnumbered by the mob. (There was no mention of the use of firearms.) The mob then beheaded her in front of the police. A few days before this, in the Southern Highlands of PNG, six women were accused of sorcery and tortured with hot irons.

  In March 2013, in the town of Mount Hagen, in the western Highlands of PNG, a 20-year-old mother was abducted by a mob consisting of relatives of a young boy who had died. She was accused of killing the boy using sorcery. The mob stripped her naked and tortured her with a branding iron, then covered her in gasoline and burnt her alive on a pile of trash, topped off with car tyres.17 Police, again were outnumbered by the mob and did not use weapons to prevent the burning, and apparently did not even pass around donuts in a desperate bid to use saturated fats and sugars to calm the savage mob.

  Another 20-year-old PNG woman was found dead in her family’s food garden with her arm hacked off. Former teacher, Helen Rumbali, was beheaded; her sister, Nikono, was kidnapped and tortured by vil agers.

  Rape in PNG is at epidemic levels, with 70 percent of PNG

  women expected to be raped or physical y/sexual y assaulted in their 17 Meredith Bennett-Smith, “Accused ‘Witch’ Kepari Leniata Burnt Alive by Mob in Papua New Guinea,” Huffington Post, February 7, 2013, at http://www.huffingtonpost.

  com/2013/02/07/kepari-leniata-young-mother-burned-alive-mob-sorcery-papua-new-guinea_n_2638431.html.

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  lifetime. A US academic was pack raped near Madang, a 14-year-old girl was raped and murdered in Lae, and an Australian man was killed and his Filipino friend raped in Hagen.