Breaking Free

by Teresa Reasor

  “We’ve been by to check on it and air it out. Hawk thought it would be a bit cramped for me and Mom so he offered us a place to stay.”

  Brett’s attention shifted to Hawk. ”Thanks, man.”

  Hawk laid a hand on his shoulder. ”No problem.”

  “You said you hurt your knee.” Brett stopped to rest between sentences. “When are you going back on active duty?”

  “Well, actually I start back Monday. The paperwork is piling up, and I’m starting another language class.”

  Zoe’s stomach dropped at the news and she pressed her hand to her midriff. She knew it was coming. She just hadn’t expected it so quickly.

  Hawk continued, “I can’t do any running until the doc signs off on me, but I’ve already been doing some light weight lifting. Instead of running, I’m doing the exercise bike to see how my knee stands up. Another two weeks and I should be back to normal.”

  “Good, I’m glad,” Cutter said. “No one’s told me what happened.”

  Hawk and Doc looked at one another.

  “There’s time to talk about it later, Cutter,” Hawk said.

  Angela, Brett’s nurse, came into the room. “I know you’re all excited about Ensign Weaver being awake, but you don’t want to tire him too much. You need to give him some time to rest. You can come back for visiting hours at seven.”

  Reluctantly Zoe nodded and moved to the bed to embrace Brett.

  If he went to sleep again, would he be able to wake up? What if as soon as they had weaned him from the medication, he just dropped off and never awoke again?

  “I’m afraid to leave him,” Zoe said, as they stepped out in the hall. Hawk reached for her, and she buried her face against his chest. The harder she tried not to cry, the faster the tears streamed down her face to wet his t-shirt. All the stress and grief she’d suppressed for weeks seemed to rise up inside her. Hawk guided her down the hall away from Brett’s door to the nurse’s station. She’d never needed his comfort and support as much as she did right now.

  Moments passed before she regained control. When she finally drew back, Doc offered her some tissue and an awkward pat on the back.

  Angela exited Brett’s room and started toward them. She looked at Zoe and came directly to her. “He’s going to be fine. He’s even flirting with me, already.”

  “He won’t go back to sleep and---”

  “We’re keeping him on the meds for a while to be certain, but the chances are very, very slim. Whatever injury his brain sustained, it’s obviously healed itself. His EEG’s look good. His blood work is normal. You’ve already heard what the doctor said when he did his neurological exam. We’re going to do another CAT Scan and a few other tests, and we’ll have the results tomorrow.”

  They couldn’t ask for any more than that. Everything else was up to Brett.

  “Come back at seven after you’ve had a chance to regroup. You need that as much as he does.”

  Zoe nodded and wiped her eyes then dragged a smile to her lips. “Thank you, Angela.”

  The woman grasped her forearm and gave it a squeeze. “I’ll keep a close eye on him, and I’ll call you if I think he needs you.”

  Zoe drew a bracing breath, feeling a little calmer. “All right.”

  ****

  Hawk closed the car door and put the key in the ignition.

  “You guys can drop me back off at the apartment if you want,” Doc said from the back seat. “Now that Cutter’s awake, you’ll have people you’ll want to call, and stuff you’ll need to do.”

  Hawk looked over his shoulder at him. “We have to eat first. You can share a meal with us, then I’ll run you home.”

  Doc nodded.

  Hawk gave Zoe’s hand a reassuring squeeze. Her eyes and nose were red from crying and she still looked a little shaky, but she offered him a smile.

  On the way home, he kept a running dialogue with Doc about the best restaurants in San Francisco, and their locations. Marjorie’s suggestion of a romantic weekend trip had taken root. He wanted to have the whole thing planned before he sprang it on Zoe as a surprise. Now that Cutter was awake, they’d have no reason not to go.

  The house smelled like the spices and cooking tomatoes, Zoe had put in the crock-pot that morning for some kind of pasta dish. Her being here had made the house feel more like a home. Though he had been trying to build one by himself, it still retained a little of the aura of a crash pad for when he was in the states, or doing more training.

  “How’s the rec room coming?” Doc asked.

  “I’ve put primer on the walls, but I haven’t gotten them painted yet.”

  Zoe turned and grasped Doc’s arm, the unexpected movement catching Hawk’s attention.

  “Did you do something to hurt my brother, Doc?”

  The question dropped like a bomb from the blue had Hawk’s heart stuttering. She was standing too close if the man decided to go off. Hawk stepped forward and reached for her arm.

  Doc’s features went still with shock then paled. “No-no I didn’t.” He shook his head, but there was something resigned in the way he said it. And instead of the instant anger Hawk had expected, he slumped down on the couch and ran a hand over his face. “I didn’t hurt him, but I didn’t do all I could to save him either. Not like Hawk.”

  Zoe eased down in one of the chairs as though her legs had given out.

  Hawk shook his head. What the man said wasn’t exactly right. He was the team’s best medic. Though they all knew how to render first aid and give pain meds in a pinch, Doc knew his stuff. “You kept him going until we got to the extraction point, Doc. You bound my knee and kept me going until then, too.”

  “But I didn’t go into the building after him. I knew the damn thing was going to blow at any minute, and I couldn’t get my ass moving to go after him. I couldn’t even get my mouth to work long enough to tell you he’d gone back in.” Doc’s eyes were glassy with emotion as he looked up. “All I could think about was my girl and how much I wanted to be home with her. And I froze.”

  He grasped his head as though in pain. “I just froze.” All the guilt and shame the man was feeling was right there on his face. “It was like it was all happening in slow motion. Then suddenly you were going back in and we waited for it to go up with both of you inside. Each second seemed like an hour. Then you were out, running with Cutter thrown over your shoulders and you had barely made it clear when the charges went off.”

  “You were down and covered in rubble. I still couldn’t move. I thought you were both dead. Bowie dragged me over to where you were. When we uncovered you, you both looked like ghosts covered with gray dust. It wasn’t until then that I could really move again, I could really even breathe.”

  “On the way back in the chopper, you gave us both pain meds and started an IV on Cutter, Doc.” You did everything you were supposed to do,” Hawk said. And he could have killed Cutter then if he’d really wanted him dead. Had they been suspicious for nothing? Was Cutter’s injury an accident and no one’s fault? If he’d been on his way out, why the hell had he gone back into the building?

  “I could have gotten him out before the charges went off, long before you had to go back in for him. I just sat there and stared at my watch as the seconds ticked away. Thirty seconds--a minute--two. I don’t know how long.” He fisted his hands in his hair and pulled.

  Hawk dragged a large ottoman over to sit on in front of him. “How many times have you dragged an injured man to safety, Doc? How many times have you kept one of us up and going, even when we were injured or sick? We’re all called on to do extraordinary things.”

  Doc shook his head and made a chopping motion with his hand. “I’m a SEAL for God’s sake. I’m not supposed to freeze up when things get tough. We train so that doesn’t happen.”

  “But we’re all human, not supermen. And we all have our fears, the fears that make you hear a hollow ringing in your ears and feel as though you’re going to heave. Mine is jumping out of an airplane at three
thousand feet. I bet I can guess what yours is.”

  Doc drew a deep breath, and his features began to relax by degrees.

  Hawk leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “What would have made Cutter go back into the building knowing the timers were running out?”

  Doc clenched his hands on the arms of the chair. “I don’t know. The crazy son-of-a-bitch.” There was anger and guilt and pain all mixed up in the exclamation, but it sounded as though some of the anguish had leached out of Doc’s voice now that he’d talked about it.

  “Did you tell Captain Addison when he interviewed you?”

  “Yeah, I told him Cutter went back into the building, but I didn’t know the reason. And I told him how you went in after him.”

  “What was Brett’s worst fear?” Zoe asked, her voice quiet. She had remained so still, so quiet, the entire time he had been talking to Doc, it drew both their attention.

  “I don’t know,” Doc said.

  “I just thought---I don’t think my brother had a death wish. And he had to have a strong motivation for going back into the building.”

  Hawk met her gaze. If Doc’s fear kept him out of the building, maybe Brett’s had had something to do with his going back in.

  Doc leaned back in his chair. He looked exhausted. “Since he doesn’t remember that day at all, I don’t know how we’ll ever know.”

  “How long’s it been since you slept, Doc?” Hawk asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  “After we eat maybe you can crash in my room for a while, before I take you home.”

  “Yeah, all right.”

  The fact that the man wasn’t arguing, pointed out how vulnerable he was right now.

  Zoe rose to her feet and offered him a hand. “If you feel up to it, I’d appreciate your taking over the grill. I don’t trust Hawk not to burn the beautiful steaks I’ve had marinating all day.”

  Doc looked up at her and for a moment Hawk saw his eyes grow glassy as though tears weren’t far off. With an effort he shook it off, took Zoe’s hand, and got to his feet. “I’ll make sure they don’t burn.”

  “Good.”

  After he had the grill lit, and the steaks on, Hawk put Doc in charge of watching while he came back into the kitchen for a moment of privacy with Zoe.

  “He would have no more hurt Brett than you,” she said softly as she tore lettuce up in a bowl.

  “No.” He helped himself to a beer from the fridge. “If he’d really wanted to, he had too good an opportunity to do it before we made it back to the hospital.”

  “All that guilt because he didn’t live up to his idea of what he was supposed to be. You guys carry a heavy weight with that SEAL code of honor.”

  He didn’t know whether to read criticism into the remark or not. “Yeah, I guess we do.”

  She rested her hands on the table and swallowed as though it were difficult. “Thank you for going into that building and saving my brother’s life.” Her voice dwindled away toward the end as she struggled to maintain her composure.

  Hawk rested an arm around her waist and brushed her temple with his lips. “He’d have done the same for me, Zoe.”

  She turned and slipped her arms around his waist and held on tight for several moments. She looked up at him. “Wonder if Brett will ever remember?”

  “I don’t know, baby. We’ll have to wait and see.”

  “Do you think we were suspicious and worried for nothing?”

  Hawk wished he could say yes. But that handprint on Brett’s cheek still bothered him. It bothered him a lot.

  CHAPTER 21

  Zoe reached for her mother’s hand as she stood beside her in the elevator. “They’re going to take the feeding tube out tomorrow. He’s complaining about not getting any solid food.”

  Her mother’s eyes grew suspiciously bright. “We’re so very fortunate. God has smiled on us, Zoe.”

  Zoe gave the hand she held a squeeze. “Yes, he has.”

  The elevator doors opened and Zoe bent to pick up the huge basket at her feet and they stepped out into the hall. Three nurses at the station smiled and called out words of congratulation.

  Zoe placed the basket on the counter while her mother continued down the hall. She’d give her a few minutes alone with Brett before she joined them. “I baked some goodies just to celebrate and say thanks for all you’ve done for my brother. The guys downstairs had to have a few of the brownies, of course.”

  “If it was Roger Hastings, I’m surprised there’s anything left. He looks like a string bean and eats like he’s feeding leftovers down a garbage disposal,” Valerie Harris, one of the nurses said, as she came over. “I’m so jealous. I could gain five pounds just looking at a picture of these.” She shrugged as though saying who cares, and helped herself to a cookie.

  Zoe laughed. “I hope you enjoy them.” She nodded to Ensign Crammer.

  Derrick Armstrong stood next to her mother at Brett’s bedside. An electric current of fear raced through Zoe and her eyes went immediately to Brett to check his safety. Seeing Marjorie sitting in one of the few chairs in the room as well, Zoe breathed a sigh of relief. The chances the man would try something with his girlfriend in the room were slim.

  “Hey, Sis. Strong Man and Marjorie just stopped by to visit a minute.” He was sitting up in bed. The IV was disconnected but they had the feeding tube still in. Except for that small thing, Brett looked normal, as though nothing had ever happened.

  “Good.” She crossed to the other side of the bed and bent to kiss Brett’s cheek. Her mom’s eyes and nose were red from crying, but she offered Zoe a smile and turned her attention back to Brett.

  Zoe fought hard to control her expression as she approached Derrick and Marjorie. She offered Marjorie a smile and touched her arm, then nodded to Derrick.

  “Where’s Hawk?” Derrick asked.

  “He’ll be here in a few minutes. He had to stop downstairs to get some paperwork filled out so he can return to duty Monday.”

  Derrick nodded and adjusted the hat he had tucked under his arm. Dressed in the blue camouflage working uniform he looked impressive. “I’m on lunch break, I have to get back to base.” He turned to Brett and the two looped thumbs and grasped wrists in a handshake. “Glad you’re back, man. Gotta go.” He nodded to Clara. “Good to meet you, ma’am.”

  On the way out he brushed Marjorie’s lips with a kiss. “See you tonight, babe.”

  Marjorie’s stillness during the kiss, sent alarm jangling through Zoe and she frowned.

  Marjorie stood and went to the foot of the bed. “I should be going too.” She touched one of Brett’s blanket covered feet, the movement tentative. “I’m glad you’re better, Brett.”

  “Me, too. Thanks.”

  “I’ll walk with you to the elevator and give Mom some time to visit with Brett, Marjorie,” Zoe said, on impulse.

  The woman nodded. “Sure.”

  “How did the trip to San Francisco go?” Zoe asked as they walked down the hall together.

  “It was great. I think Derrick had as good a time as I did.”

  “Good.”

  Marjorie’s eyes shifted away. “He can be really sweet.”

  “I’m sure he can, Hawk can make me melt in my shoes.”

  Marjorie laughed. “I can imagine.” Her expression turned serious. “I know that Hawk talked to Derrick. I know you probably said something to him about my arm.”

  “Yes, I did. I was concerned for you.”

  Marjorie nodded. “I appreciate it. Derrick’s seeing a counselor, and he seems to be really trying. He is doing better with his anger.” Her tone wavered between defensive and hopeful.

  “I’m glad. I hope he’ll stick with it.” For Marjorie’s sake, Zoe really prayed he would.

  “Me too.” Marjorie fell silent for a moment then moved restlessly as the elevator doors opened. “I have to go.”

  The woman seemed so isolated, so alone. Zoe touched her arm. “I’m going to be staying with Br
ett for a month after he’s discharged from the hospital. If you should need to talk, or want to just get out for a little while and go shopping, call me.”

  “Hawk won’t mind?” The woman’s eyes searched Zoe’s face.

  “No, of course not. Why should he?”

  Marjorie shrugged. “I thought by now you two might have decided to live together, or something.”

  They already were. “We’ve been busy with Brett and a few other emergencies. We haven’t really talked about what we’re going to do once Brett is released.”

  Marjorie stepped into the elevator. “Hawk’s going to ask you to stay. I know he will.”

  Her reassurance helped to ease Zoe’s niggling feeling of doubt. Since her mother’s arrival he’d been--different. She couldn’t really put her finger on it. She raised her hand in farewell as the elevator doors closed.

  Was Hawk going to ask her to stay with him on some permanent basis? And if he did, what would she say?

  The second elevator door opened and the subject of her thoughts stepped out. He smiled, then frowned. “Something wrong?”

  “No, I was just saying good-bye to Marjorie. She and Derrick stopped by for a few minutes.”

  Hawk’s arm looped about her waist and she did the same to him.

  “She says Derrick’s doing better.”

  “Good. How’s your mom?”

  “She’s a little teary, like I was the first day, but she’s doing okay.”

  She looked up and studied his profile. “Do you think we need to say anything to her about us?”

  He frowned. “Like what?”

  Anxiety rolled over her like a tank leaving her breathless and weak. That’s what was different. He’d backed off since her mother’s arrival. He’d grown more careful with the easy gestures of affection she’d become accustomed to. Her voice sounded thin. “That we’ve grown close, and we want to see where it’s going to take us.”

  “You’ve been giving it some thought,” he said.

  “Since the first time we made love. Haven’t you?”

  “Yeah.” He smoothed back a strand of hair from her shoulder. “It might make your mom uncomfortable with me, if you come straight out and tell her we’ve been sleeping together.”