Fed Up

by JESSICA; SUSAN CONANT CONANT-PARK

For the wedding, Naomi had fastened her dozens of braids with turquoise beads that matched her long garment, which appeared to be an actual sari draped in some non-Indian manner. On her feet were what I recognized as brand-new tan suede Birkenstocks. On the positive side, Naomi said that she’d be more than happy to stay with Adrianna until my mother could officially begin her matron-of-honor duties. “Chloe,” she said with her usual enthusiasm, “I brought a copy of the letter of reference I wrote for you. The one I sent to the secretary of state’s office. I thought Adrianna might like a copy for her wedding album. Here, I’ll read it to you.”

  Keeping one eye on Naomi, I used the other to look out the front door for arriving guests.

  “This is my favorite part,” Naomi said happily.“ ‘Chloe Carter has a remarkable soul, and I offer up my sincerest hope that she be allowed to unite her two friends—’ ”

  “Son of a bitch!” I screamed.

  “Well, that’s not very nice, Chloe.” Naomi crinkled her nose at me.

  “Not you, Naomi. Owen.” I pointed to the groom, who stood outside talking to Josh.

  Josh looked positively dashing. More than dashing. Regal. As Adrianna had requested, he wore a black tuxedo. Owen was another story. His neon purple tuxedo and matching top hat were, in all probability, visible from outer space.

  I stomped over to the groom. “I swear that you’d better be kidding, Owen.”

  The petrified-looking Owen was on the verge of tears. “I don’t know what to do, Chloe. I rented this one and a black one. This was the joke one, and I was just going to wear it for a while before the ceremony. But the rental place didn’t get me my black tux. They sent Josh’s, and when I looked in the bag yesterday, I saw the black and figured everything was in there. Ade is going to kill me!”

  “We could just spray paint you,” Josh suggested flippantly.

  Oh, my God! This had to happen now, at the last minute! I moved to the entrance to the tent, looked in, and saw that many of the guests had already arrived. Ade would flip out if we ran late. Since Dad wore jeans almost everywhere, the only suit he owned was the one he was wearing. Besides, he was smaller than either Josh or Owen. One of the guests? I could hardly charge up to one of the men and demand that he immediately exchange his suit for a purple tuxedo.

  “You are a stupid, stupid man, Owen!” I put my hands on my hips. “Switch. You’ll have to switch. Josh, put on that horrible purple thing and give Owen your tux.”

  The boys started to protest, but I held up my hand. “We have twenty-five minutes until the ceremony. There is nothing else to do.” I yanked the horrible top hat off Owen’s head. “But nobody is wearing this.”

  As I stormed off to locate the flowers that Emilio had dropped when Josh punched him, I realized that Nelson had been filming the entire tuxedo fiasco. Remembering Robin’s quarrel with Nelson, I resolved to participate in the editing of this film and to get my hands on any copies that Nelson might make. Adrianna was damned well not going to be exposed to Nelson’s vision of so-called reality.

  I brushed past the cameraman and was heading toward the kitchen when I caught a glimpse of my father, whom I hadn’t seen all day. He was scurrying through the living room. On his head was a baseball cap, of all things. “Dad! Dad! Where have you been?” Then his appearance registered on me. “What on earth happened to you? What is that black stuff all over your face?” I pulled off the baseball cap. “And your hair? And your hands? Dad!”

  “It, um, well, it seems to be tar. Tar. In fact, that’s what it is. Tar.”

  I stared helplessly at my father. Struggling to control my voice, I said, one word at a time, “Tell. Me. What. Happened.”

  “Well, after everyone went to bed last night, I thought I’d take a scotch up to the second-floor deck and relax. You know, look at the stars, be one with the earth. My yoga teacher suggested we meditate outdoors. I thought it would be great. I wanted to commune with nature, so I lay down on the deck. Then when I tried to get up, I realized I was stuck.”

  I shut my eyes. This supposed deck above the living room of my parents’ Spanish colonial revival house was, in fact, a roof, a large, flat area surrounded by a stucco wall. No one really used the roof, which had leaked badly and stained the living room ceiling until my parents had finally had it coated with tar.

  I glared at Dad. “And it was hot yesterday, so the tar heated up and started to melt. And now you are covered in it.”

  Dad nodded and suppressed a laugh. “I think I took off all the hair on my body when I finally got myself up.”

  “You were naked?” I hissed.

  “Yeah. That’s the best way to meditate. At first I thought I was glued to the deck, and when I managed to get loose, I crawled into bed, and now the sheets are ruined. Your mother is pissed, let me tell you. She tried pouring olive oil on me to get it out, and that helped a little bit. There was a lot of tar in my hair, but I fixed that. I took a pair of scissors and cut it out.”

  “That would explain the jagged spikes jutting out of your head.” Had all the men around here gone crazy? In desperation, I slapped Owen’s purple top hat onto my father’s head. “Here. Wear this. I don’t know what to say to you except that you are a big dope. Go put on your suit and be ready to walk Adrianna down the aisle in a few minutes. I have to go find the flowers.”

  On the dining room table sat the box of flowers. Because of Robin’s efforts, some of the blooms had survived the Josh versus Emilio outbreak. If you looked closely, you could see that some stems were crumpled and that there were fewer orange roses than there should have been, but it was far too late to buy new flowers. I caught Naomi just as she was coming down the stairs in search of Adrianna’s and my mother’s bouquets. “Whatever you do, don’t say anything to Adrianna about what Owen is wearing. Or was wearing. Or what . . . Just please keep her calm and happy.”

  I couldn’t help noticing that Naomi herself was a lot calmer than I was. All of her yoga, herbal remedies, acupuncture, and other alternative practices and preparations were apparently more effective than I’d ever imagined. “Don’t worry about a thing, Chloe,” she said with a beatific smile. “Adrianna and I are having a significant bonding experience.”

  I hurried to the kitchen to retrieve my script for the ceremony from my purse. Digger was now in charge, and under his supervision, Alfonso and Héctor were beginning to plate appetizers on serving trays. I retrieved the typed pages and nearly collided with Nelson, who was evidently trailing me again. Well, if he was filming me, he’d inevitably capture Ade and Owen as they said their vows. In any case, I had no time to argue with him now.

  “Chloe. Chloe.” Héctor tapped my shoulder.

  “Yes. What is it, Héctor?”

  Again he started speaking in Spanish that I couldn’t follow. I shook my head in confusion. Then I caught the word foxglove.

  “Wait! Say it again. I don’t understand. I’m sorry.”

  “He’s saying something about Americans buying flowers,” Digger explained. Digger and Héctor exchanged words for a moment. “Oh, okay. He wants you to know that one of the Americans who bought foxglove plants is here today. She has brown hair in a ponytail. The woman with him.” Digger pointed to Nelson. “He means the director. Robin.”

  Robin, who had been to the nursery while making the gardening film that had involved my parents. Robin, who lived in an apartment without access to a garden or balcony and who’d said that she had no interest in plants. Robin, who’d thus had no horticultural reason to buy foxglove. Robin, who had been present throughout the filming of the reality TV episode, including the entire time in the kitchen. Well, this was the worst possible moment to take in the implications of this new information, never mind to act on it. For Pete’s sake, I had a wedding ceremony to perform!

  “Foxglove,” Digger said. “Isn’t that—”

  “Yes, but never mind,” I said. “Not now!”

  As I was hurrying through the dining room on my way to the tent, I ran into my mother as she head
ed upstairs. “Mom?”

  “What is it, Chloe? I’ve got to get your father so we can start the ceremony.”

  “I know. Quick question. One second. When Robin did the gardening film, were there any references to poisonous plants? In particular, did you talk about foxglove?”

  Mom shot me a look of exasperation. “I don’t know why you want to discuss this now, but, yes, as a matter of fact. The film was mainly about flower borders and included talk about the toxicity of many common ornamentals, including foxglove. What a thing to ask when you’re supposed to . . . Chloe, get going!” My mother hurried up the stairs and called over her shoulder. “Take your place, Chloe. The music is playing already, but Josh has the remote, and he’s going to start the processional when you’re ready.”

  I exhaled deeply and made my way out the front door and toward the tent. Josh, in ghastly purple, stood just outside the entrance with Owen, who looked even handsomer than usual and was dressed exactly as Adrianna would want. As I took my first step past the masses of potted plants I’d bought at the nursery and into the tent itself, Josh, right on cue, changed the music. Flanked on either side by wedding guests, I felt suddenly awed by the responsibility that the Commonwealth of Massachusetts had granted me, and as I walked down the aisle, my knees shook. Flashes from cameras blinded me, and I was afraid that I’d trip over Nelson, who was a few feet in front of me as he walked backward down the aisle, his camera trained on me. When I finally stood before the guests, my stomach lurched. Owen’s father was seated in the front row with Phoebe and a few other cousins. Two chairs in that row had been left empty for the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom, Kitty and Eileen, who would be ushered in by Willie and Evan. The prospect of facing Kitty did nothing to calm me. I cursed myself for ever having agreed to perform this ceremony. Who did I think I was? Why had the Commonwealth of Massachusetts ever agreed to give me such power? But by then, Josh and Owen had joined me. They were standing to my left, facing the side of the tent.

  Nelson had now moved toward my right, his camera still fixed on me, but at least he was not blocking my view of the aisle and the entrance. Eager to get the ceremony under way—desperate to get it over!—I stared at the opening of the tent, through which Eileen and Kitty should now be entering with their escorts. My hands were shaking so hard that the papers I was clutching rattled loudly.

  Instead of escorting in Eileen and Kitty, Willie and Evan abruptly stepped into the tent by themselves. Staring at them in horror, I nearly dropped my papers. Those two idiots had actually brought shotguns! Monsters! They were doing what they’d threatened, supposedly in jest. No! Absolutely, positively not! In an emotional turnabout, I suddenly felt entitled to the central role I was playing today. I was, after all, the minister-priest-rabbi-justice-of-the-peace figure here. It was I who possessed a Certificate of Solemnization issued by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Therefore, I, Chloe Carter, was in charge!

  In my most swift yet dignified manner, I marched to the tent entrance, faced the miscreants, and backed them out of the tent. “No way!” I growled at Evan and Willie.“If you do not get rid of those guns this second, I’ll shoot you myself!”

  TWENTY-SIX

  MY muted voice must have rung with the authority of the governor, the secretary of state, the attorney general, the head of the state police, and every other Power—with a capital P—in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, because the brothers immediately obeyed me. Pointing at the potted plants, I whispered, “In there!” Mercifully, there was enough foliage to conceal the weapons. Lurking a couple of yards behind Willie and Evan were Eileen and Kitty, who had clearly been enablers, if not actual coconspirators. With a little smirk on her face, Eileen said, “Now, Chloe, the boys were only—”

  “It is no joke,” I whispered. With that, I pivoted around and tried to stroll casually back to my spot before the guests. I smiled and then nodded to Evan and Willie, who, deprived of their shotguns, escorted Eileen and Kitty to their seats and then took their own. My mother was the next to make her way down the aisle. By comparison with Eileen and Kitty, she seemed like an angel, and as Nelson recorded her progress, I was pleased that he was managing to point the camera at someone other than me.

  My father and Adrianna appeared at the entrance, he with the ludicrous purple top hat balanced on his head, she the ultimate beautiful bride. Glancing at Owen, I saw that he was frozen in awe. I’d been dreading the moment when Adrianna caught sight of Josh’s outfit, but I’d underestimated her: she took one look at him, a vision in purple, and giggled the entire way down the aisle. My father’s coordinating hat must have prepared her for subsequent silliness. Dad led her to our little group and sat down.

  Adrianna and Owen turned to face me. I locked eyes with my best friend. She tipped her head toward Josh, then toward my father, then down at her slightly battered bouquet, and rolled her eyes. We grinned at each other, and I relaxed.

  “I want to welcome you all. We are gathered here to celebrate one of life’s great moments and to add our loving wishes to the words that will unite Owen and Adrianna in marriage.” My hands did not shake, and neither did my voice. By the time my mother and Owen’s father read poems, I was thoroughly enjoying myself.

  Then I began the exchange of vows. “Owen, repeat after me. I, Owen, take you, Adrianna, to be my wife, my constant friend, my faithful partner in life, and my one true love.”

  When Adrianna slipped the simple silver ring on Owen’s finger, I got choked up and had to pause before the pronouncement. Adrianna and Owen held hands tightly and waited for me.

  “By the authority vested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, witnessed by your friends and family, I have the pleasure to pronounce you husband and wife. You may now seal your vows with a kiss.”

  And did they ever. Their kiss went on for so long that the guests had to begin a second round of applause. The newly married couple finally parted lips and made their way back down the aisle.

  Because this was a small and informal wedding, Adrianna and Owen had decided to forgo the traditional receiving line. They didn’t vanish for professional photographs, of course. Rather, a lot of guests surrounded the couple and snapped pictures outside the tent. Josh wrapped me in his arms, whispered, “Great job, babe,” and then ran off to the kitchen to help Digger and Emilio’s cousins with the food. I had my picture taken with Adrianna and Owen and accepted compliments from guests about the ceremony.

  Héctor and Alfonso arrived with trays of hors d’oeuvres, and champagne began to flow. The chairs that had been in rows for the ceremony were moved to make room for extra tables, and within minutes, guests were mingling merrily in the tent and munching on delicious food. I sampled a baby creamer potato with salt cod brandade and Osetra caviar, and then tried Maine lobster with shaved daikon, Thai basil, and pink peppercorn vinaigrette. Outstanding!

  I dragged Adrianna away from the crowd for a moment to explore the buffet table, where more appetizers awaited us. “You must be starving.”

  Adrianna nodded vigorously. “Famished. God, look at all this! I can’t believe Josh pulled it off.”

  I took a small plate and filled it with butternut squash puree topped with shrimp, arugula, and radish, and drizzled with a brown-butter vinaigrette. I took a taste and groaned happily. Individual servings of celery root soup were topped with small pieces of seared foie gras, pickled apples, celery leaf, and truffle honey. The soup was indescribably delicious. Next I tasted grilled tuna served with couscous tabbouleh and tropical fruit chutney with mint tarragon dressing. I was able to identify mangoes, pineapple, tomatoes, and red onion in the delectable fruit chutney but couldn’t figure out what else was in this creation. I’d have to ask Josh. When I heard guests raving about the food, I swelled with pride at my boyfriend’s accomplishments. Ade and I scarfed down food and then got whisked off to have more pictures taken. Every member of Owen’s family had a camera, and every single person insisted on taking plenty of shots.

  I b
arely had a moment to ponder what I had learned about Robin and her knowledge of the lethal foxglove. Just when I thought that I finally had a minute to devote to working out what had happened, large chafing dishes with piping hot entrées began to appear on the tables. Ade and Owen served themselves, and I followed, piling my plate with medallions of beef with cognac; duck in a red wine and orange sauce; vegetable strudels; and a green salad with maple syrup dressing and dried cranberries. I eyed the lamb with grape-chili jam and goat cheese, and the incredible pumpkins that had been roasted with Gruyère cheese, mushrooms, crème fraîche, and bacon. A large chafing dish held a tempting tagliatelle with lobster, yuzu pesto, and exotic mushrooms. Another dish featured a whole snapper with pickled peppers, chorizo, and fennel puree. I knew I’d be back within a few minutes to refill my plate.

  I sat down next to Adrianna. “Are you happy with everything, Ade? I can’t believe you haven’t strangled Josh or my father for wearing those crazy clothes.”

  Adrianna chuckled. “Well, I was a bit taken aback when I saw Jack and that flipping ugly hat, but he pulled it off and showed me a head of hair full of black goo. He looked so pathetically sorry that I couldn’t be mad at him. As for Josh? Well, I’m pretty sure Owen is responsible, but I can’t be mad at him today, can I.”

  “He did try, Ade. I swear! I guess there was a mix-up—”

  “I’m not worried about it. I’m having a wonderful time. You were amazing up there, Chloe, and the ceremony was beautiful.” Ade wrapped an arm around me and squeezed. “Another wonderful thing is that my mother has yet to speak to me today. I couldn’t be happier!”

  Josh, having freed himself from the kitchen for long enough to sit down, took the chair next to Owen’s. “The food is coming out awesome, huh? Everything good for the happy couple?”

  Adrianna and Owen both nodded enthusiastically.

  Throughout dinner, people clinked their glasses with silverware, thus prompting Owen and Ade to kiss repeatedly. Naomi, her boyfriend, Eliot, and my sister, Heather, joined us at the table.