Exchange Rate

by Bonnie R. Paulson

  The baby. Darkness in his gaze promised more than just pain to me, more than just death. He would do unthinkable things to get his point across and simply because he wanted to for his own enjoyment.

  I broke the gaze war we were having, bent over and vomited on his shiny black boots.

  Take that, you prick.

  He danced away. “That’s sick.” The spit hadn’t gotten his attention, but my morning sickness was hard to ignore.

  I backed up, hands in the air, speaking loud enough the guards could hear me. “I’m so sorry. I need to go. I don’t feel well.”

  Turning, I broke into a modified jog which resembled more of a spastic scramble for my bunker. Not even the clinic would get me that day.

  I slammed the door shut when I broke through. Panting, I cradled my belly in my arms. Oh, what was I going to do? Three faint rules my mom had recited to me over and over drifted to my memory. I hadn’t thought of them for so long.

  Don’t trust anyone.

  Pray.

  Survive.

  My mom’s voice in my head as I remembered all the times I’d rolled my eyes at her worry, her constant preparation, her need for me to be safe. I turned to the side, sliding down the support of the wall, my lips twisting and my eyes shut tight. I missed her.

  I hadn’t missed her so hard in so long. I hadn’t allowed myself to feel in so long because the emotions were so overwhelming. A friend of mine in high school had popped anti-anxiety meds left and right because she couldn’t handle the pressures of her dad’s suicide and her brother’s disappearance. She’d walked around in a mild blur while life had passed her by.

  Those pills couldn’t be more appealing right then. Pain wracked me as worry pounded through my blood. I clutched the denim belt loops at my waist, tugging at the material. My butt hit the ground and I leaned my head against the wall.

  How did I pray when everything I’d done was wrong? I hadn’t expressed any faith. What God there was, wouldn’t want to hear from me so late in the game. I wasn’t worth anything. My value diminished daily.

  Rowan would know and he’d kick me out – kill me. Kill my baby. Kill Bodey. Kill John.

  My keening sobs broke from me, bursting free. I gasped and panted. The pressures from the last few months to not be discovered caught up to me and emotions exploded through me.

  Arms pulled at me from both sides as John and Bodey lifted me from the floor and moved me to the couch. Bodey sat on the cushions beside me, laying me across his lap and encircling me in his arms. John sat on my other side and held my hand.

  “What’s going on, Kel?” Bodey murmured. The moisture from my face felt like I’d just walked in from a rainstorm. I spilled everything, the meeting with Rowan eight weeks before and getting discovered by Shane. While I couldn’t breathe because of the stress, unloading on them brought an amazing amount of relief.

  “Why didn’t you tell us?” John jumped from his seat and paced in front of the couch.

  “Because you’re already stressed out with finding a way out of here. Bodey has to deal with these men all the time. And, quite honestly, I’ve been too tired to stay awake and see Bodey so the very few times I’ve seen him, I haven’t wanted to spoil it with this... information.” I pushed myself to a sitting position. I crossed my arms over my belly and my baby kicked me, hard.

  I shifted to relieve some of the discomfort as the child stretched against my ribs and pelvis. My dad used to tease me about not having birthing hips. I finally understood what he meant about not having room to carry a child, even if my mom had shushed him and told me I’d be able to bear children fine.

  I couldn’t even identify the fear that I wasn’t supposed to have babies and what might happen if I did. Shrugging, I wiped at my face and sniffed. “What do we do?”

  John pushed at the air around him with flattened hands. “Let’s just take a breath and think this through. Shane hasn’t told Rowan up to now, maybe he won’t. There’s really no reason to, that we know of.”

  A knock at the door echoed through the small chamber.

  Our heads whipped in that direction and fear clenched my thighs and shoulders. I inhaled sharply, grabbing at Bodey’s arm and dragging my feet up under me.

  Bodey and I turned our gazes to John. He stared at the door.

  Another knock, this time more insistent, followed our momentary shock.

  John glanced at us and then crossed to the door. “Don’t move.” He swung open the panel. “Rowan, nice to see you. What can I do for you?”

  “Something pretty serious has been brought to my attention, John. Can I come in and clear this up?” Rowan pushed through, not waiting to be welcomed and pinned me with his stare. He glanced from my face to my rounded belly. He pointed at me. “Stand up, Kelly. I want to verify something.”

  I glanced at Bodey and John, petrified would Rowan would slice off my stomach or something. They met my gaze, fear in their wide eyes.

  I swallowed. And stood straight, not slumping.

  Rowan’s eyes narrowed and he stared at my protruding belly. I wasn’t large, but with my slim frame, the belly made itself known without much effort.

  Shane stepped inside, a large shotgun slung over his shoulder. He smirked.

  I lifted my chin. If they were going to kill me, they’d better do it fast. The threats and promises for revenge were old.

  Chapter 19

  Pointing at Shane, I tilted my jaw. “Does he have to be in here?”

  Dragging his gaze from my stomach to Shane, Rowan jerked his head toward the door. “No. I got all I need from you, Shane. I’ll be out in a minute.” He returned to focusing on my stomach, his dismissive attitude not lost on anyone.

  Shane scowled, his stare dark and brooding. He turned, sweeping out to stand guard over the doorway. Even if I escaped Rowan, Shane would make sure I didn’t make it far.

  Red heat flushed Rowan’s face. His mouth worked, but nothing came out. He clenched his fists at his side. “Do you understand what population control means?”

  I nodded, silently, frightened by his obvious anger.

  “When you came in to Freedom Pass, you agreed to the two-hundred residents rule. That’s two-hundred people who carry their weight in this community. This is a tightly controlled number for a reason. I didn’t pick it for fun. Is that what you think? That I reached into a hat and randomly pulled out two-hundred?” He waited for me to answer, his lips quivering.

  “No.” I refused to be cowed even though my insides shook.

  “You didn’t consult with me or even register your marriage. Your disrespect in this community doesn’t go overlooked.” He waved his hand toward Bodey, but held his gaze on me.

  John spoke up. “But we’re at one-hundred-and-ninety-nine. This shouldn’t ruin your plans.”

  Rowan slid his gaze to John, then back to me. “No. Two-hundred people who carry their weight. What do you think a child will be able to do? They don’t have a lot of value. Not in this small community. We can’t afford free-loaders.” He squinted at me, studying me. “And for your information, we took on another member two weeks ago. She makes two-hundred.” He sighed, slapping his thigh. “Why didn’t you control this? You knew the rules. It’s like you want me to discipline you and your entire family.”

  “Control a pregnancy? How do you even do that? We barely have medicine in the clinic for scrapes and cuts.” I clamped my mouth shut at a look from John.

  “You don’t have sex, little girl. That’s how you control pregnancy. I have specific couples picked out for reproduction. They’ve been paired and will be given the go-ahead once I secure a larger compound. They’ll receive the go-ahead to have sex. No one here is performing, like you apparently are.” He glared between Bodey and me. “I guess, Bodey, I haven’t kept you busy enough with your hours.”

  “You have.” Bodey’s tight voice suggested slim control.

  I didn’t look his direction, but pressed my leg imperceptibly against his knee. I hadn’t moved far when I
’d stood. I needed his nearness more than I needed to speak.

  Rowan didn’t say anything for a moment. He tapped his foot on the ground, contained rage ticking in his jaw and in the squared shape of his shoulders.

  Suddenly, his face cleared and he relaxed his neck so his head shifted back to a complacent angle. “Because your baby will be a worthless community member as well as raises the number above two-hundred, that nullifies your family from residency here. You’ll have to leave.”

  John stepped forward. We all knew leaving meant death, if we went when Rowan wanted us to and how he wanted us to. “Kelly has to stay here. She won’t be able to deliver the baby on her own. You can’t kick us out for this.”

  Rowan rounded on John. “You betrayed me. After everything I’ve done for you and your family and this is how you repay me? I brought you in, when I didn’t have to. I kicked out a lovely family in exchange for you.”

  I spoke up. “No, you brought us in so Ethan could have a shot at me.” I snapped my jaw shut when the men turned toward me.

  “Well, now that I know you know, I can quit pretending it’s because you have any value. John’s age makes him less than desirable anyway. Alright, this is good. Let’s lay out your options. And this is the final say.” He lifted his eyebrows, crossing his arms. “When that baby is born, one of you will go, if the rest of you want to stay.”

  “What?” I curled my lip. Had he just said...

  “When you up our population, you’ll choose one of you to go, to bring the number down again.” Rowan nodded at each of us in turn. “Bodey, John, you Kelly, or your baby. One of you will go. Personally, I would choose either the baby or the old man, since neither has real worth.”

  John was worth so much more than Rowan was letting on, and we all knew it. John’s work in the mechanics department had been commented on by patients in the clinic, even as they tried to avoid getting to friendly with me.

  But he’d said someone would go.

  “Go where?” I crossed my own arms, too terrified to continue the charade that I wasn’t intimidated by him. I was scared as hell.

  “Go. Not here anymore.” He spoke slowly, like I was stupid. Why wasn’t I saying anything? I knew where they went. I knew what happened. I couldn’t speak. Fear immobilized me. Where had my courage gone?

  John stepped closer between Rowan and me. “We’ll all go then. We won’t be separated.”

  “Oh, John.” Rowan shook his head. “That’s no longer an option. I don’t mean go from here, I mean you’re terminated. We don’t allow people to leave – can’t allow a possible usurper out there wanting our resources. Can you imagine, if that happened? I’m not going to risk a possible attack on our members because your son and daughter-in-law can’t keep it in their pants.”

  Bodey stood, his broad shoulders had filled out with access to food, time to mature, and strength training exercises required of the guards. “Neither of those are options, then. What else could we do?”

  Rowan gauged Bodey’s seriousness. He pushed a foot out and lifted a finger to his chin to consider my husband. “There is one other way that will allow Kelly to keep the child. She can’t stay with you, Bodey, or with John.” He ignored my gasp and continued like I wasn’t there. “She’ll have to choose Ethan and live with him. Be his wife. I’ll marry them and they can be a family – legally – right here in Freedom Pass – your child will live and so will the rest of you.”

  John’s sudden laughter startled me. His smile as he shook his head threw me for a loop. “You’re using the term legally rather loosely, aren’t you?”

  I struggled to breathe, get back into my body. “You said I was too young to be married.”

  Rowan shrugged. “My son wants you and that’s enough for me. Quite frankly, I’m not sure what the big fuss is. You’re not much to look at, and now you’re pregnant with another man’s child. Actually, this might not be an option after Ethan finds out. So I’m going to give you twenty-four hours to choose. After that, I’ll decide for you.”

  I shook my head, grabbing the soft under-curve of my stomach. How could I have lost a member of my family or all of us – gone from bad-but-bearable to worse in seconds?

  “She doesn’t need time to think.” Bodey grasped my elbow, his fingers warm.

  I sighed. Finally, someone would say something reasonable.

  He pushed me forward, a slight catch in his voice. “She chooses Ethan. She can go with him.”

  I sharply glanced over my shoulder at him, yanking my arm from his grasp. “Bodey, what are you doing?” I tried to capture his gaze, but he stared resolutely at Rowan, moisture in his eyes glistening as he tightened his jaw.

  Spinning toward Rowan, I cried out, “I’m not due for another few months. This seems sudden. Can’t I have more time to think?”

  “No. I need time to make arrangements and I don’t think three months is enough for me. If you choose a family member, I need to find replacements for their jobs or if you choose Ethan, I need to set him up with a bunker of his own until I can find that second community.” Rowan shrugged again. “I’m sure you’ll make the right choice for everyone involved.” He glanced once more at my stomach and shook his head.

  But he left without another word.

  After he closed the door behind him, John’s voice filled the void. “We need to get out of here. Get some help. This is tyranny at its worst.”

  Worst. Worst. Worst.

  I whirled on Bodey, snarling. “How dare you? How could you? Trade me to Ethan so none of us will die? I can’t do it. I would never give you to someone – anyone – but you just tried to. And not just me. But your baby, too.” I lowered my head, unable to face his betrayal. “I don’t need your help. I’ll handle this.”

  He gripped my arms in his hands. “I can’t lose you. You can’t die. Living with Ethan gives us a little more time to get out of here, get you safe, get the baby safe. If I have to, I’ll trade that baby for you.” Bodey tilted my chin up so I would meet his gaze. His eyes overflowed with tenderness. “I can’t lose you. I love you too much, Kelly.”

  Love? He loved me enough to see me with Ethan. “Don’t you know being with Ethan is worse than any kind of death? I don’t want to leave you, not even a little, and you’re willing to push me away? I would die for you. I would die for this baby. I would die for John.” I struggled free and poked him in the chest. “You don’t get to trade me.”

  I ran to our room and slammed the door. Hopefully, he took the hint that it wasn’t his room anymore.

  Worst.

  Worst.

  Worst.

  Chapter 20

  I didn’t leave the bed when Bodey knocked a little later. Ignoring his persistence, I curled around the pillow he’d slept on just minutes ago. He jiggled the handle, but I’d locked it.

  He’d been willing to let Ethan have me. Ethan. Another man. And his baby. Tears flowed like hot rivers of angry shame. Had I been foolish to think he loved me like I loved him? Why would he do that? The option was off the table. It wasn’t a choice. At least, not when my emotions were involved and since I’d gotten pregnant, I’d been controlled by nothing but emotion. Well, emotion and food.

  Realization set in. Maybe it had to be an option. Rowan said someone would have to die or I could choose Ethan. Would it be such a bad choice to know we were all safe at least?

  I could keep my baby and know Bodey and his dad were safe. I’d probably still even see them once in a while. My chest tightened at the thought of being anywhere other than with Bodey and John. Maybe I was too selfish, but I couldn’t see myself living anywhere, thriving, doing anything else. Living with Ethan would give him access to my body. What happened when he tired of me? Which, since it was Ethan, was a guarantee.

  Roughly, I wiped the tears from my temples where they ran into my hairline. I sniffed. Pull it together. How had a happy thing – a new child – been corrupted into a terrible thing? Who had made Rowan a god or king? How could so many people go along wit
h his conditions?

  Because he had the weapons. He had the pull because he ran things during a time when people just wanted to survive.

  I wanted to survive. I wanted my child to survive. I wanted John and Bodey to survive.

  I just wanted to live as well.

  Ethan was about to get what he wanted. But was I really what he wanted? If I went with him, how much would he expect of me? I’d only had the one man.

  After a couple hours of arguing all the points with myself, I rolled from bed. With only twenty-four hours to decide, I didn’t have long to belabor the point. The choice to go with Ethan would require some getting used to. John and Bodey would need as much as possible. If Rowan made me leave as soon as I decided, I didn’t have long with my husband and my father-in-law. I swallowed the pain that thought created.

  Padding to the door, I opened it hesitantly, unsure what I’d find. The lights were off and afternoon sunlight lit up the front rooms. John sat at the table, his head on his crossed arms.

  But Bodey wasn’t there.

  I shuffled to sit across from John, pulling out the chair and lowering myself like I had the bones of a ninety-four-old woman.

  He lifted his head, the skin around his eyes swollen. “Bodey went to work early.”

  I nodded, relieved I didn’t have to tell Bodey right away. “Okay. I... I wanted you to know I’m going to take Rowan’s offer and go with Ethan. That’s better than the alternatives, you know?”

  His expression darkened. “Kelly...”

  I jumped from my seat, disjointed and upset. “I’ll be back out for dinner. I just...” I lamely lifted my hand and let it flop at my side. I shook my head. “Yeah.” I turned on the ball of my foot and darted back into my room, closing the door.

  A nap might be what I needed. Bodey could’ve at least tried to fix what he said before he left. He might have tried to get in our room, but he didn’t say he was sorry or anything through the door. He could’ve at least pretended to regret what he said.