Pretty Dirty (Beautifully Dirty #4)

by Paige Steele

  Remembering what his lips felt like against mine is nothing I’ll soon forget. I hated to see him drinking so much last night, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. He was already half in the bag when I got there. He’s pissed off at the world right now, so until he figures out that he needs to stop feeling sorry for himself, get in shape, and be ready the minute he can ride again, then he’s going to continue down this path of destruction.

  I arrive at home to find Maddie dancing and singing around the kitchen, as she tends to do quite often. She is and has been one of best friends I’ve ever had. Standing back watching her, I think of what has gone on over the last two years and how they’ve been a whirlwind for me. I’ve found two girlfriends that I never thought I would ever have. Even though they don’t know everything there is to know about me, they still accept me and never judge me for keeping my secrets. Then there are the guys that I now think of as brothers, Cooper and Jesse that is, because thinking of Ryan that way would seem wrong, very wrong. No, Ryan is in a league all his own. Up until his accident with Cooper, he was a fun-loving, sweet, and kind man all the time. Now he’s that way during the day, but at night when no one is around, he’s drinking and becoming angrier about his situation.

  “Nicely done!” I shout over the music at her, while clapping my hands.

  “Thank you, thank you very much. I’ll be here all week, come see my next performance,” she says, laughing out loud while taking a bow.

  “You’re crazy, girl.”

  “I know and you love me for it.”

  “That I do.”

  “How’s Ryan?” she asks with concern in her voice.

  “He’s doing okay. Though last night was pretty rough for him. The doctor wants him to take a couple more weeks; to be sure everything is healed. Ryan knows because of that, he might not be ready to go for the start of the Supercross season and that’s killing him.”

  “Oh, geez I bet it is. Well, that sucks.”

  “That it does. I’m just hoping I can keep his mind focused on something other than the bottle.”

  “Maybe your ass can be his focal point.” She wiggles her eyebrows up and down while she talks.

  “Oh, shut up!” I say, throwing a kitchen towel at her while walking away.

  “What, you know you want to,” she shouts back.

  I walk into my bedroom and drop my purse on the bed. I’m in need of shower and after sleeping in the chair all night; I’m also in need of a nap today. After quickly jumping in and out of the shower, getting dressed, and throwing my hair on top of my head, Maddie and I head out to grab some last minute things we need for the shoot this weekend.

  It’s after two when we make our way back home, but I decide I’m going to throw on a bikini and head up to lay out by the pool. There is where I’ll get my nap in, while getting some sun. It’s a win, win, if you ask me. By the time we walk through the front door, Maddie has decided to join me.

  We lay out for about an hour and a half before we both have had enough and head back downstairs. I decide I need to start packing, but first I shoot Ansley a quick text, asking her how things are going. Since she bought a house with Cooper, I feel we don’t see her as much. She was part of our trio here. Though, since she paid off my and Maddie’s student loans and bought us each a car with her inheritance from her estranged father’s passing, we don’t need to look for a roommate right away. We both can afford to stay here with just the two of us paying rent.

  Me: Hey Ans, what’s up?

  Ansley : Me, nothing exciting. How about you girls?

  Me: We have that shoot in Florida this weekend, so I’m starting to pack.

  Ansley: I talked to Ryan today, he said that you were over last night.

  Me: I was. He was in pretty rough shape when I got there.

  Ansley: He said he was too, but that you saved the day, once again.

  Me: I did nothing more than sit with him and make sure he didn’t drown himself in alcohol.

  Ansley: That’s exactly what he said. He also said he wanted to but you stopped him, he thinks, though he really can’t remember anything, other than you coming through the door and you both yelling at each other. Then he woke up to his living room straightened and the smell of bacon.

  Me: That’s pretty much it.

  Ansley: Both Coop and I are grateful that you are there for him. Thanks, Ken, you’re the best.

  Me: It’s nothing. I care for Ryan and I want him to believe that he’ll ride again, better than ever.

  Ansley: I’d say what you’re doing is working. He has scheduled a workout for today with his trainer he said.

  Me: The problem isn’t the days, it’s the nights. He does good keeping himself busy, but at night he sits around thinking of things and then starts drinking.

  Ansley: Gotcha, well I’ll talk to Coop about getting over there more at night then.

  Me: That would be great. I’m going to call him to see if he wants to get a bite to eat tonight and come over. Not sure if he will.

  Ansley: Sounds good, I’ll talk to ya soon.

  Me: Later, Ans.

  Ansley: Later, Ken.

  After we text our goodbyes, I call Ryan to see if he wants to come over for pizza and a movie; he lets me know he’ll shoot over about seven. I take it as a good sign when he agrees to come and decide I need to make tonight about having some laughs and not about his injury.

  I jump in the shower after going for a quick run. I needed to clear my mind and focus on trying to get Ryan better and exercise always does it for me. Whenever I need to think things through, or put things in my life in order, I work out. Right now I’m worried about Ryan and what he’s going through, but I’m also stressing about what’s going to happen when he finds out what I haven’t shared with him or anyone here, for that matter. Will it be like it was in high school all over again, or will he accept me for me?

  Growing up with no siblings, with a father that thought you should ride dirt bikes whether you’re a boy or girl, and a mother that thought you should act like a lady and leave those “toys,” as she called them, for the boys to play with, was tough. The problem is, I fell in the love with those “toys.” Once I turned five and got my first Yamaha, I couldn’t get enough. I’d begged my father to take the training wheels off, so I could show him what I could do. I wanted him to be proud of me. As of today, I can say honestly that he is. I made sure I put on the dresses and acted the part of the polite young lady when I was in high school, so my mother would also know that what she thought of me also mattered. Though she has come around to believe that I am just as good as the boys are, when it comes to racing.

  High school wasn’t easy. There were several days that I dreaded going to school but still dragged my ass there. For a few years, I raced in several towns around us but never in my hometown, mainly because I didn’t need the boys talking or the girls whispering behind my back. That all changed the summer before my senior year; that’s when I decided, after talking to my parents, that I wanted to race and win the female expert class in one of the local races. I knew I could, but I also knew it meant shocking a lot of people. I didn’t have many close friends, but the ones I did have, I didn’t want to lose. There were seven of us in the group I hung out with, four boys and two other girls besides me. All four boys raced, so I knew when I showed up with the Honda I was given for Christmas, it was going to shock the shit out of them. No one had a clue what I did on my Saturdays and Sundays.

  That one race changed my life. I found out just how cruel people can be. Even though I kicked ass that day and won both of the classes I had raced in, I was laughed at by the people I thought were my friends. That’s when I decided I wanted to be me, just me, not the girl they all saw or thought they knew. I never did hang out with them again, but I did find friends that accepted me for who I was and what I did. Rumors started almost immediately that I was a lesbian. I was called “Butch,” among other names, and treated with such disrespect by t
hose I thought cared. It didn’t hurt to be called that, because if I were I’d own it, I’d be proud. After all, I have friends that are gay and I love each of them without question, but the people saying that to me, knew me personally. Determined to move on and away from them, I let those assholes think what they wanted to think. I knew the truth and that’s all that mattered to me. I won’t lie, there were nights I cried because of the hurtful things that were said about me. I would never let them see me with tears in my eyes; that was left for when I was home alone, behind closed doors.

  Now I feel the same anxiety I felt all those years ago. I haven’t told the friends, who are in my life now, what I’ve been sneaking off to do. I joined the Canadian factory Honda Racing team; they have two different teams they sponsor, one female and one male. It’s been about two years now, just before I also joined Hyped Energy. Even though my family knows, I try and stay out of the limelight as much as possible. So far, so good. Everyone here knows me as Kenna Brooks, but in the racing world everyone knows me as KJ Houde. K is of course after my first name; J stands for Jean, yeah don’t ask…I don’t like it either and then I use my grandmother’s maiden name for my last name. That way, in all my interviews, I’m still me but not me fully…understand? I also make sure I’m never in a direct head on shot for the camera. I’m known in the racing world as the girl that kicks ass on the track but stays hidden from the world, the one no one truly knows and that’s okay with me. I just want a private life, but I still want to be able to do what I love as well.

  I hadn’t realized that I’d been sitting on my bed for so long, in just a towel, thinking about the past until there was a knock on my bedroom door and the handle started to turn.

  “Kenna, you in here?”

  “Ryan?”

  “Yeah, it’s me,” he peeks his head in and looks down the full length of my body.

  “Oh, geez. Let me get dressed.” My cheeks start to flush from embarrassment.

  “Only if you insist.” He stands there in the doorway, smirking directly at me.

  “Get out,” I say, smiling back.

  “Oh, you want me to leave?”

  “Yes! Leave!” I shout, laughing at him.

  “Whatever,” he says when he turns to leave.

  I quickly dress, blow out my hair, then throw it up and walk out. Looking around, our eyes lock on each other as Maddie yells out that Jesse's coming over, and she already ordered the pizza. I can’t help but stare, probably a bit too long; he looks yummy, like a mix between surfer, with his hair all a mess, and racer, with his outfit of a Fox racing t-shirt and shorts on. Then there’s the scruff on his face, it’s just enough to cause my thoughts to turn a tad naughty, so I look away.

  And that’s how our night begins.

  Ryan

  Damn, as she walks out, I have to catch my breath. She looks incredible with her hair up, wearing a tight little red tank that barely covers her fit stomach, and cut off jean shorts. Now if I only knew what she was wearing underneath those items. Shaking my head, I stand when I hear the knock on the door.

  “I’ll get it.”

  “It’s probably Jesse,” Maddie yells out as she opens the refrigerator door.

  Jesse and I walk back into the kitchen as I hear Maddie inform Kenna that she and Jesse are just friends, and Kenna says the same about us. This doesn’t sit well with me. I could have sworn I saw the look in her eyes that told me more. I couldn’t have read her wrong. Maybe I need to test the waters, just to see what this is.

  “The pizza should be here in about ten minutes. What are we going to watch?”

  “Anything, I’m not picky,” I say as I stare directly at her.

  “Pitch Perfect 2 is out,” Kenna says, smiling.

  “Of course it is.”

  “Come on, it’ll be a funny movie.”

  “Hell yes, that’s what we’re watching,” Maddie states.

  As we all settle in on the couch, the food comes and the movie starts. Sitting next to Kenna, our legs are touching and my fingers want to thread with hers. There’s a pull between us and I can’t explain it. I’m not sure why either, usually we’re in the friend zone. However, tonight I feel the want and need zooming in on me.

  By the middle of the movie, she’s thrown her legs over mine and is laying back, my hands rest across her knees, and my thumbs won’t stop rubbing back and forth. We’re all laughing and enjoying ourselves, as well as singing to some of the songs that are playing in the movie. At one point, both girls start belting out one of the tunes, causing Jesse and me to have tears in our eyes from laughing so hard. Then we return the favor by shouting out our song of choice too. It’s quite comical listening to us all, I must say.

  The credits start and Jesse says he’s heading out. Those two seem to have something going on, but I’m not sure if either of them realize it. I chuckle to myself thinking about it, as they get up off the couch to head to the door.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Nothing, just thinking of those two,” I say, nodding my head in their direction.

  “What about them?” she asks, as she sits up and I hold her legs in place. She stares down at my hands, then back to my eyes.

  “It’s nothing really, I just think they have something going on, but don’t want to admit it.”

  “She says no, there’s just a friendship there.”

  “I know she does. Anyways, want to watch another movie?” I want to drop it, so I try changing the subject. If I don’t, I’ll be making it awkward between us too, because I know there’s more to us as well.

  “Sure, I’m going to get a drink. Do you want anything?”

  “A beer?”

  “Sure, but then you’re staying over.”

  “Fine, but I think I can handle one and drive,” I say, smiling.

  “And I say if there is any drinking being done, then you’re staying over. Oh, that means on the couch.” She smirks over at me, as she swings her legs off me, and I feel a sense of loss.

  “Of course,” I chuckle back at her, rubbing my hands up and down the top of my thighs, then standing up to stretch.

  I take the remote and look through the movies on demand for us to watch. I set it on Southpaw and hit play as Kenna walks back over, hands me a beer, and sets her glass of wine on the coffee table.

  She sits down close, tucking her feet under her and grabs a blanket to cover up with. Maddie comes back in, but lets us know she’s got some things to do on her computer, so she’s heading to her room for the night.

  “What are we watching?”

  “Southpaw.”

  “What’s it about?”

  “A boxer that has to start over from scratch…kinda sounds like a familiar story.”

  “Stop, you’re going to kick ass this year. I have no doubt.”

  “I’m glad you don’t.” I stand, and walking over to the fridge, I grab another beer. Walking back in, I set it on the table, and settle in next to her. I take part of the blanket and throw it over my legs too.

  “Ryan, I believe in you. Now you need to, also.” She looks over at the beers and then back to me.

  “I don’t need a babysitter, Kenna. So stop staring at my beers. I said I’m staying; leave it alone. Please.”

  “Okay,” she whispers to me, and I feel like I’ve just been a complete asshole to someone that is clearly just trying to help and be there for me.

  I take her hand in mine, giving it a squeeze. We both smile at each other as the movie finally starts after the opening credits. Reaching forward, I start to drink my beer as she leans forward, picking up her glass of wine and takes a sip. Neither one of us says much during the first forty-five minutes of the movie. I look over at her and her eyes are getting heavy.

  “Let’s lie down.” I suggest.

  “Are you sure?”

  “I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to.”

  Leaning over to the side, her feet slide out from under her, and
she lies down. I slip in behind her and creep my hand under the pillow until my bicep is covered by it. My arm completely relaxes once she rests her head there. I see her look over to where my scar is on my forearm then her next gesture shocks the shit out of me.

  She leans forward and places a tiny, but powerful, kiss to my wrist. My breath is taken away by her act of kindness, yet boldness. She’s never shown this much affection toward me, and it has me thinking all sorts of things I’d like to do to her.

  “What was that for?” I’m not sure I should ask, but I need to know.

  “I don’t know exactly, but I felt like I needed to do it. I guess I thought you needed it too.”

  “I’m not sure what I need anymore.”

  “Well, take it one day at a time, and it’ll all work itself out.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  “I know I am,” she says with a yawn.

  The movie continues to play, and I keep thinking about what she just did. I can’t get it off my mind as our bodies lay touching. Not sure when, but I must have dozed off and so did Kenna. I look around the room; seeing that the lights are off and so is the T.V. Maddie must have shut off everything. Kenna is facing me now and tucked very closely against my chest, our legs are entwined and my arms are completely around her. I’m not so sure it should feel this good to hold her, but I’m not letting go to find out.

  Waking up shortly after eight, I don’t move, as Kenna is still asleep. As the sun comes through the window, I lean down, kissing the top of her head, hoping I don’t wake her while doing so. She wiggles down a little bit lower and snuggles closer. Pulling her in, I wrap my arms around tighter, and take in her scent. She smells like a mix of sweet flowers and vanilla, and I can’t get enough.

  Maddie walks out of the bedroom smiling at me as she struts by.

  “Good morning, Lover Boy.”

  “Zip it, Mads,” I say, smiling back at her.