Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Plunges into History

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART (1756–1791)

  TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

  Born in Salzburg, Austria, his full name was Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart. Despite his name, Wolfgang was a fun-loving guy who just wanted to make beautiful music. To this day, people hum his melodies—including his variations on a tune now called “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.” Speaking of stars, that’s exactly what Mozart was as a child. By the age of six he was touring Europe, acclaimed as a composer and a virtuoso. Mozart played for the royals of Europe; he was kissed by Empress Maria Theresa, and petted by Marie Antoinette. The nobility showered him with money and presents. He was his family’s primary money-maker—a golden child.

  In 1873, Mark Twain was granted a patent for the self-pasting scrapbook.

  GROWING UP IS HARD TO DO

  Like most child stars, Mozart faced a difficult transition from childhood to adulthood, but in Wolfgang’s case his father had the real problems. Leopold Mozart had devoted his life to making his son famous (and collecting quite a packet of change for himself along the way).

  When Mozart got older, Leo wanted him to get a well-paying composing job so he could continue to support the family. Whenever he thought Wolfer (that’s what his Dad called him) wasn’t with the program, the old man laid on the guilt. In one letter Leopold whined, “I look like poor Lazarus. My dressing gown is so shabby that if somebody calls in the morning, I have to make myself scarce.” Actually Leopold saved a bundle from Mozart’s successful tours, but he kept demanding more and more. He was a classic stage mother who just happened to be a father.

  BURNING THE FURNITURE

  Mozart had trouble getting cushy composing jobs; life hadn’t prepared him for the ups and downs of business and court politics. He wound up working for the archbishop in his hometown of Salzburg. Disgusted, Mozart decided to go freelance. His father warned him that he was headed for ruin. For years biographers claimed that Mozart fell into such terrible straits that he burned the furniture to keep warm. Modern historians think his poverty was exaggerated. People loved his music and paid to hear him play. He ran with a wealthy crowd, lacked money management skills, and had a passion for gambling. In 1782, Mozart married Constanze Weber, the sister of a flame who’d jilted him. There’s debate about how much they loved each other, but one thing is certain: Constanze had as much trouble economizing as Mozart.

  THE FALLEN LITTLE ANGEL

  Mozart, the angelic boy, was not a perfect man. He once described himself as a “scamp” and was famous for being crude. Remember the old flame that jilted him? When she pretended not to know him, Mozart went to the piano and loudly sang a song that included this verse: “the one who doesn’t want me can lick my a--.” Constanze accused him of playing around when he went on tour, and she was right.

  Ben Johnson was buried standing up in Westminster Abbey—he couldn’t afford a full plot.

  Despite his shortcomings, Mozart worked hard to support his wife and children. He eventually got a position at court, and his determination to go his own way in music led to the creation of some of the most beloved symphonies, concertos, and operas of all time.

  THE STORY BEHIND THE HIT REQUIEM MASS

  The end of Mozart’s life was tragic and mysterious. In July 1791, as the legend goes, a masked stranger asked Mozart to write a requiem mass (a mass for the dead). Though he was only 35, Mozart had a premonition that the work would be his last. In tears, he declared that he had been poisoned, and that he must complete this work as his own requiem before he died. Working frantically, he dictated portions of the requiem from his bed. True to his premonition, Mozart died while completing his work for the mysterious stranger.

  Was there really a masked stranger calling Mozart to the grave? It turned out that the man who commissioned the piece was Count von Walsegg-Stuppach, who wanted people to believe that he’d written a great requiem for his wife. The count hid his identity so no one would know he’d actually hired a composer.

  And was Mozart poisoned? There is no evidence that anyone did—on purpose. A letter revealed that Mozart ate pork cutlets 44 days before he died. Most of his symptoms sound a lot like trichinosis, which can be contracted by eating undercooked pork! Whatever the cause of his death, Mozart left a legacy of beloved music including his revered Requiem Mass.

  LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN (1770–1827)

  DON’T CALL ME MOZART

  Beethoven was born in Bonn, Germany, and for a while at least, things went downhill from there. Young Ludwig’s drunken father forced his budding-genius son to practice the piano for hours and beat him when he made mistakes. He wanted Ludwig to be the next Mozart, a child prodigy who could make the family rich and famous. But Ludwig was a late bloomer; he didn’t make it to the top until he was in his twenties. In the meantime, his father’s beatings may have damaged Beethoven’s hearing, which made him too deaf to hear his own music.

  Da Vinci could draw with one hand and write with the other—at the same time!

  THE MESHUGGA MAESTRO?

  As a result, Beethoven developed what they call a “difficult” personality. He was arrogant, rude, and eccentric, but people put up with it for the sake of his kinder side (he had one) as well as his exciting music. His odd behavior (partly due to problems with his increasing deafness) was legendary, and after he died, Beethoven was often portrayed as a lunatic genius. From his first public appearance at 25, Beethoven was a huge success. His music was so grand and passionate that people started to say that he must be the illegitimate son of a king. Since he was a bit of a snob, Beethoven didn’t do much to discourage the rumor.

  BACHELOR BEETHOVEN

  When it came to love, Beethoven had a short attention span. His love for a woman was usually deep—and brief. There’s some debate about whether he was successful with the ladies. Historians who say he was a stud usually quote a contemporary who said, “Beethoven was perpetually engrossed in a love affair. . . he made conquests, which an Adonis (that hunk from Greek myth) would have found impossible.” Historians who call him a dud recall the singer Magdalena Wilmann, who apparently refused Beethoven’s proposal of marriage because he was “ugly and half-crazy.” Most of Beethoven’s women were in the hopelessly unattainable category. He fell for aristocratic, wealthy women who couldn’t marry the middle-class Beethoven without renouncing their titles and privileges—not to mention their husbands.

  THE MYSTERY OF THE IMMORTAL BELOVED

  After Beethoven died, a mysterious love letter was found in his desk. It was exquisitely romantic, including passages like: “My thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved. . .I can live only wholly with you or not at all.” Beethoven had signed the letter, but there was no name at the top. Who was the letter meant for? For years biographers have driven themselves crazy trying to solve the mystery. Since Beethoven liked to spread it around, there are a few candidates. The only thing historians agree on was that the Immortal Beloved could never have been Ludwig’s sister-in-law, Johanna, who he fought for custody of her son Karl—Beethoven’s nephew. The two despised each other. Needless to say, anyone who knew anything about the story was shocked when, in the movie Immortal Beloved, they presented Johanna as Beethoven’s true love. (For more movie myths, read Uncle John’s article “Bad History! Bad!”)

  The dot over the lowercase letter “i” is called a “tittle.”

  THE BELOVEDS BEHIND THE HITS

  Three women are strong candidates for Immortal Beloved status; all were close to Beethoven and he dedicated music to all of them. Beethoven fell in love with the Countess Giulietta Guicciardi, and in 1801, when she was 17, he dedicated one of his most lyrical works to her. The poet Ludwig Rellstab named it “Moonlight Sonata” because it was like “moonlight on a lake.” Beethoven felt he’d written much better pieces, but it’s one of his most popular.

  Countess Marie Erdody, a Hungarian aristocrat, was Beethoven’s good friend and patron. He moved in with her for a while as a “lodger,” though she may have given him more t
han a place to stay. In 1808, he wrote his D Major Trio for her. The piece was nicknamed, “Ghost,” because of mysterious, “ghostly” music in the second movement.

  Antonie Brentano is the favorite in the Immortal Beloved name game. She was married and the mother of four children, but she and Ludwig were often together when her husband was away. When Antonie was ill, her greatest comfort was hearing Beethoven play. After his death, two portraits were discovered in Beethoven’s desk. One was of Giulietta Guicciardi; the other is thought to be a portrait of Antonie. Perhaps the greatest indication of their love is the beautiful, romantic song, “An die Geliebte” (To the Beloved). Beethoven wrote the piece in 1811, and on one corner of the manuscript, Antonie has written a note, “Requested by me from the author on March 2, 1812.” Whoever she was—Giulietta, Marie, or Antonie—Beethoven’s music (and the mystery of the Immortal Beloved) has made her immortal. So maybe it’s worth it to date a musical genius after all.

  “Nothing is capable of being set well to music that is not nonsense.”

  Joseph Addison

  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was the first American to install indoor plumbing at home.

  WOULD IT KILL YOU TO BECOME EMPEROR OF MEXICO?

  * * *

  Like a lot of wives, Charlotte Amélie didn’t think her husband, Maximilian, was living up to his potential. Surely he could do something to better himself so she wouldn’t have to feel so embarrassed at the opera.

  In 1863, Archduke Ferdinand Maximilian Hapsburg was a happy man. He belonged to one of the most powerful families in Europe. He lived in the spectacular mansion Miramar overlooking the Adriatic Sea from which he tended the Italian possessions of his brother Emperor Franz Joseph of Austria. He was married to one of the most prominent women in the European nobility, the daughter of the king of Belgium. Life was good for Maximilian until that fateful day when a delegation arrived at Miramar to offer him the job: emperor of Mexico.

  Maximilian was confused. He was Austrian, not Mexican, and he barely spoke Spanish. Plus, he was under the impression that Mexico already had a leader, an elected president. Technically yes, said the delegation, but it seemed that Napoleon III, Emperor of France, had just invaded Mexico to recover overdue debts. . .

  CINCO DE MAYO

  The invasion of Mexico had been a tougher campaign than the French expected. They’d thought they could just walk into Puebla, which they considered the key to Mexico City, but they found a committed Mexican force defending the town. On May 5, 1862, the French attacked. The Mexican army drove them back and inflicted heavy losses. The victory spawned the celebration we know as Cinco de Mayo (“fifth of May”).

  The battle was particularly meaningful because it was the first time the Mexican army had tested itself against a formidable international foe since they’d been defeated in the war with the United States a decade earlier. Unfortunately for the triumphant Mexicans, Emperor Napoleon III just couldn’t get into the spirit of the holiday, so instead of downing a few brews and maybe dancing a little, he sent another 30,000 troops to Mexico. The following May, the French army finally smashed the resistance at Puebla and took Mexico City.

  When a Paris mob stormed the Bastille, they missed rescuing the Marquis de Sade by just days.

  LOOKING FOR A LEADER

  Certain Mexican conservatives were actually thrilled to see the upstart Juarez booted out of office by the invading French army. They begged Napoleon III to find a suitably aristocratic ruler for their nation. Napoleon referred them to Maximilian, so they sent a delegation. The archduke was flattered, but still unsure.

  His wife, Charlotte, was not. This was her chance to be an empress. She convinced her hesitant husband that Mexico needed him, and he could do good things for the people there. Seeing it in that optimistic light, the gullible Max agreed. In the spring of 1864, the happy couple boarded a ship and sailed for Mexico as Emperor Maximilian and Empress “Carlotta.”

  WHO IS THIS GUY?

  Not surprisingly, the Mexican people were a little confused. In the first place, no one had told them they were getting a new emperor. In the second place, they didn’t understand why their new emperor was Austrian and why the French army was still swarming all over the country. So they didn’t exactly greet their new sovereigns with open arms. And things went downhill from there.

  Maximilian tried to govern, but he hardly knew anything about the Mexican situation. He waffled on policies, which angered the conservatives who’d supported him, and he never won over Juarez’s liberals, who regarded him as a foreign usurper to be driven from Mexican soil.

  YOU THINK IT’S EASY BEING AN EMPRESS?

  The whole sordid affair wasn’t living up to the glamorous dreams that Carlotta had brewed in the gilded ballrooms and opera houses of Europe. She was bitter at the lack of gratitude shown by the Mexican people—after all her sacrifices! The imperial marriage fell apart. Both Carlotta and Maximilian took lovers: she supposedly had an affair with one of her husband’s dashing military officers, while Maximilian dallied with the daughter of his gardener.

  After Waterloo, Napoleon tried to escape to the U.S., but was captured by a British warship.

  HENPECKED HUSBAND

  In 1866, Napoleon III pulled the plug on his sputtering Mexican adventure and ordered his troops home. As the French soldiers marched to their ships, a depressed Maximilian suggested that he too should abandon the dreary enterprise and return to his cozy life back home. But not Carlotta—oh, no—she didn’t want to give up her throne, despite the misery that came with it. She convinced Max to stay. Meanwhile, she went to Europe to talk some sense into Napoleon, promising to return with the military support needed to destroy Juarez and pacify the country.

  BEGINNING OF THE END

  In Paris, Napoleon was unmoved by Carlotta’s entreaty for help. The distraught empress then hurried to Rome to plead for the pope’s intercession. The pontiff dismissed her, but she reportedly screamed and clung to his holy robes. It was whispered around Europe that stress was driving the empress insane.

  Things weren’t going so well back in Mexico, either. Maximilian himself took what was left of his army and led them against Juarez’s troops. After a three-month siege, the emperor was arrested. Juarez staged a show trial and the emperor was convicted of treason. On June 19, 1867, Maximilian faced the firing squad with imperial calm.

  ALL ABOARD!

  With Maximilian dead and Benito Juarez again president of Mexico, the Empress Carlotta was now just plain old Archduchess Charlotte Amélie again. Her family brought her home to Brussels and locked her away in a castle where she lived for another 60 long years. In the spring of every year until her death, she’d walk down to the moat of her castle where a small boat bobbed in the water. She’d climb into the boat and announce, “Today we leave for Mexico.”

  “Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.”

  Napoleon Bonaparte

  A New Orleans man hired a pirate ship to rescue Napoleon from St. Helena.

  UNMASKING MONA LISA

  * * *

  The Mona Lisa is the best known painting in the world, but who was the mysterious woman in the picture and—more importantly—what was she thinking of when she smiled?

  THE WOMAN

  She was born Monna Lisa Gherardini in Italy in 1479. In 1495, she married a rich bourgeois chap from Florence by the name of Francesco di Bartolomeo di Zanoli del Giocondo (pronounced “Joe Condo” and hence the painting’s nickname “La Gioconda”—that’s her). She sat for Leonardo da Vinci in 1506 while in her twenties. She died in 1528.

  THE SMILE

  The most famous smile in the world, it’s been called a combination of elegance and flirtatiousness. In the 16th century, the slight opening of the lips at the corners of the mouth was considered elegant. But what was she pondering? Perhaps Giuliano di Medici filled her thoughts; he was rumored to be her lover.

  THE QUIZ

  You’ve seen her dozens of times, but exactly how memorable is she?
See if you can answer these questions about the Mona Lisa’s appearance. Then check the answers below.

  1. Which best describes Mona Lisa’s hairdo?

  a. parted in the middle

  b. parted on the side

  c. pulled straight back

  2. What’s in the background of the painting?

  a. A room with windows on a landscape

  b. a landscape only

  c. drapery panels

  3. Which of the following describes her hands?

  a. right crossed over left

  b. left crossed over right

  c. hands clasped tight

  4. Which of the following is not true?

  a. She’s showing a little cleavage.

  b. She doesn’t have any eyebrows.

  c. She’s wearing a ring.

  Answer: 1-a. 2-b. 3-a. 4-c.

  France is named for a barbarian tribe called the Franks.

  WILL THE REAL SHAKESPEARE PLEASE TAKE A BOW?

  * * *