Follow You Down

by K. B. Webb

  “You know he fucked Nikki a few months ago, right?” I stop cold in my tracks.

  Turning around to face her, I study her eyes to see if she is just bullshitting me, wanting me to be angry with Lucas so she can try to get him back.

  “You’re lying.”

  “No, I’m not, but here’s the proof.” She shows me a screen shot on her phone between Nikki and Lucas. She texted him her address and he told her he was on his way there. I look at the date. That was the night I told him I didn’t want to be his girlfriend. Two days before he stood in my kitchen and told me he wanted us to be together. Motherfucker.

  “Oh, and did you know he saw Lisa a few weeks ago, too. You know who Lisa is right? Nikki’s daughter.” She shows me another picture on her phone. This one is of Lucas hugging a small, brown-haired girl. They’re both smiling. What the fuck is going on here?

  “Why are you showing me all this stuff, Candice?”

  “Because Lucas Wade is a heartless liar. He doesn’t really love you. I don’t want you to get hurt like I did. I’m trying to do a good thing.”

  I don’t buy the bullshit she is trying to sell one bit. She isn’t looking out for me. She isn’t trying to make sure I don’t get hurt. She is reveling in the fact that I am in so much pain now. She is a heartless bitch.

  “Well, Candice, I think I’ve seen enough. Thanks for that. I gotta get back to work.”

  I won’t let her see how much this affects me. She doesn’t need to know that I am already making plans to cry myself to sleep tonight with a bottle of whisky. That’s what she wants and I refuse to give it to her.

  “So, you’re going to break up with him now, right?”

  “Probably not.” Of fucking course I am. “I’m a pretty forgiving person.” No I’m not.

  Her dark face turns ten different shades of red and she looks like she might explode. “Are you fucking kidding me? He fucks another girl and you aren’t going to break up with him?”

  “Well, technically we weren’t together then, so I really don’t care.” But I do care. I care so much that I can feel my heart breaking with every second that passes.

  Candice stomps her foot and storms off around the side of the building back to the parking lot.

  I want to break down right here. Cry my fucking eyes out, but I refuse. I won’t lose it in public. Now, when I get home, all bets are off, but for right now, I have to keep it together.

  I walk back into Ricky’s and finish my shift with a smile on my face. I ignore the buzz of my phone in my pocket over and over. It’s fucking pointless to look at it. I know it’s Lucas, and I don’t have shit to say to him.

  I close the bar down and drive home, making it to my apartment parking lot before I lose it.

  I lay my head on the steering wheel and cry. Cry harder than I ever have in my life. It’s not the fact that he fucked Nikki days before he asked me to be his that hurts so much. And it is definitely not the fact that he saw Lisa. I have been telling him for months that I thought he should see her. No, it’s not any of that. It’s the fact that he didn’t love me enough to trust me with those things. Instead of being honest with me, he kept it to himself. That’s what fucking hurts.

  I have been in a relationship full of secrets and dishonestly, and Lucas knew going into this with me that I didn’t want to go through that again.

  I hear a knock on my window and see Jason standing there, in a suit as always.

  “Dani, are you okay?”

  I can’t speak, so I just shake my head no and let the tears continue to fall.

  Jason opens my door and picks me up out of me jeep, cradling me in his arms while I cry.

  I hear him punch an alarm code and open the door. We ride up the elevator. The only sounds in the small space are my cries and rushed breathing.

  We step out onto the third floor, and Jason kicks at Jasmine’s door until she opens.

  She begins to ask him what he wants this time, but cuts her sentence short when she sees me.

  “Dani, sweetie, what’s wrong?” When I don’t answer, she directs her question toward Jason. “What the fuck is wrong with her?”

  “I don’t know, Jazzy. I found her like this, crying in her jeep. Help me get her inside.”

  He walks me into Jasmine’s apartment and lays me down on the couch. They both kneel down in front of me.

  After a few minutes, the tears have subsided and instead of sadness, I just feel emptiness.

  “Dani, tell us what happened? Is it your parents are they okay?

  “Yeah, they’re fine.” I think about the pain they have gone through losing both parents, my heartbreak over a self-righteous dickhead is nothing compared to that.

  “Lucas lied to me, well he didn’t lie, but he kind of lied, I don’t know. He fucked another girl two days before he told me how he felt about me and he secretly saw the little girl he thought was his behind my back.” I lock eyes with Jasmine. She knows what I went through with Reggie. She understands how much dishonestly hurts me. “How could he hide that stuff from me?”

  “Motherfucker.” Jason stands up and starts pacing the length of Jasmine’s living room, wringing his hands together.

  My phone rings again. I know it’s Lucas without even looking at it.

  Jason grabs my purse and pulls my phone out, answering it before I can stop him.

  “Quit fucking calling Dani, you little shit.”

  I can hear Lucas’ voice on the other end of the phone. I can’t make out exactly what he’s saying, but he’s not yelling. He’s actually sounds really calm.

  “You’re a piece of shit, you know that? Dani deserves better than you.”

  I think I hear Lucas say “I know.”

  “Just leave her the fuck alone.”

  Lucas says something on his end of the phone.

  “What do you want me to tell her?”

  Lucas says something else. Jason locks eyes with me, but speaks into the phone. “All right.”

  With those two words, he hangs up.

  “What did he say?” I need to know what it was. There is no way it can make up for what has happened, but I still need to know.

  “He said to just remember the last thing he said to you.”

  “I love you, okay? Just remember that. I love you, and I’ve only ever loved you. Just… just know that.”

  That was the last thing he said to me. With those words ringing through my head, another wave of tears comes and I fall asleep crying on Jasmine’s couch.

  I wake up the next morning and physically ache from crying so much. I see Jason sleeping in a chair in the corner of the room and Jasmine curled up in a ball on the end of the couch. They slept in here so I wouldn’t be alone. If I ever doubted that they were good friends, I know they are now.

  I make my way to Jasmine’s kitchen, careful not to wake either of them up. I find her coffee and start making a pot. I need some if I am ever going to survive this day. When the coffee is finished, I fix myself a cup, and then sit down at the kitchen table.

  I hear my phone ring from the living room and jump to get it, hoping it doesn’t wake anyone up.

  Not thinking, I answer without looking at who is calling.

  “Hello?” It comes out in a whisper as I take my coffee and step out on Jasmine’s balcony.

  “Red.” I start to hang up the phone, but I hear him calling my name.

  “Red, please don’t hang up. Just… just let me explain.”

  “Explain what exactly, Lucas? That you fucked Nikki or that you lied to me about it?”

  “I didn’t technically lie; I just never told you”

  “Fuck the technicalities, Lucas. You and I both know a lie of omission is still a fucking lie.”

  “It was a mistake, Red, a stupid one-night mistake. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “So why didn’t you tell me about seeing Lisa?”

  “I didn’t know how you would react to it.”

  “You obviously do
n’t know me at all if you thought I would be upset that you saw her. God, Lucas, I told you that you should fucking see her! Why would I be mad about it?”

  “I don’t know, okay. I don’t know why I did any of it. But I am so fucking sorry for everything. I am so sorry, Red.”

  I close my eyes, cutting off the tears that are trying to escape at the sound of his pained voice. I don’t doubt one bit that he’s sorry. I don’t doubt that at all. But I can’t just forgive him. He lied, and I know what dishonestly can do to a relationship. Once trust is broken, there’s no coming back from that.

  “I’m sorry too, Lucas.”

  “What do you have to be sorry for, Red?”

  “I’m sorry I believed you when you told me you loved me. I’m sorry that I fell for your bullshit. But mostly, I’m sorry I ever let you jump over that bar the night we met. It’s over, Lucas.”

  “Red, don’t do this to me, please. I can fix it, just let me try.”

  “I can’t, Lucas. If you wouldn’t have broken us in the first place, there would be no need to fix it.” I take in a shaking breath. “Bye, Lucas.”

  I hang up the phone and feel like part of my world just crumbled into a million pieces. Well, not part of it, all of it.

  “Hey.”

  I turn around and am surprised to see Jason standing at the door to the balcony. He’s wearing gym shorts and no shirt. I realize this is the first time I have ever seen him in anything besides a suit.

  “I was beginning to think you slept in designer suits. Guess I was wrong.”

  He takes a seat at the small table and I do the same.

  “I’m sorry about last night. I was just really upset, but I’m okay now. No worries.” I put on my best smile for Jason. I don’t need anyone worrying about me.

  “You aren’t okay, Dani, and that’s fine. You aren’t supposed to be.”

  I can see out of the corner of my eye that he is staring at me, but I won’t make eye contact with him. “I bet you think I’m completely ridiculous, getting upset over something so stupid. It’s not like he actually cheated on me. We weren’t even together when he slept with her!”

  “That was the day after he got pissed at you for even talking to me, so yeah, you get to be pissed because y’all were together. Y’all may not have had the label yet, but you were very much together. So you get to be mad, Dani. You get to be upset, and if you want to, you get to fucking cry. He lied to you and broke your heart. You get to be sad for a while.”

  A few tears escape my eyes and I turn my head to the side looking at Jason. “Why can’t you be straight?”

  He chuckles under his breath. “Honey, sexy, smart, sensitive, and straight; no man would ever stand a chance against me. It just wouldn’t be fair.” I laugh because it’s true.

  “Think Jasmine will be up soon?”

  “Jazzy? Hell no. Unless someone wakes her up, that girl sleeps till noon.”

  “I hate to ask this, but does she have a job?”

  “Besides working my nerves constantly, not really. Technically she is head of marketing for our business group, but she doesn’t do anything.”

  “Why is that?”

  “She’s just not ready.”

  “Are you sure she’s not ready, or are you just assuming she’s not.”

  “Hey, I came out here to talk to you about your love life problems, not my relationship with my little sister. We don’t have enough time or coffee to try to unravel that clusterfuck.”

  We spend the next hour sitting outside, drinking coffee, and talking about random bullshit. He doesn’t bring up Lucas again, which I appreciate, and I don’t bring up Jasmine.

  When we finally walk back inside, Jasmine is sprawled out on the couch and snoring.

  Jason laughs, “See, I told you. She will sleep all day.”

  “Well, I gotta go get ready and head into the office for a few hours. You gonna hang out here or go back to your place?”

  “I think I’ll head back to my apartment, get a shower, and call my mom. Usual Sunday stuff for me.”

  “Well, if you need anything at all, Dani, just call me. Day or night.”

  I grab my purse and my phone and head for the door. “Thanks, Jason. Tell Jasmine to call me when she wakes up.”

  Stepping into my apartment, I realize it feels different. It’s not the warm and fuzzy place I call home anymore. It feels dark and empty. Lucas’ things are everywhere.

  One of his hats is sitting on my counter and there is a pair of boots by the front door. His favorite coffee cup is in the sink, waiting for me to wash it. His favorite shirt is at the top of the laundry pile on my couch, waiting to be folded. In my bathroom, there is a razor and shaving cream on my counter and his Irish Springs body wash in my shower. In my room, there are some of his clothes in the dirty clothesbasket and one of his belts hangs over the closet door. On my dresser is a picture of us. He is everywhere here. I guess I never realized it until now.

  I grab one of the few boxes I still have from moving and start throwing things inside it. His stupid fucking clothes. His stupid fucking hat and belt. Everything that is his, I throw in the box. The last thing left is the picture on my dresser; I throw that in the box, too.

  “Goddamn it!” I scream out loud.

  How could he do this to me? To us. He fucking lied and all I ever asked from him was honesty.

  My bed is still a mess from the last night we slept in it together. I start grabbing the sheets off my bed, throwing them around the room and crying. When I grab his pillow, I can smell him. He always smells of Irish Spring and work. I love that smell.

  A few more screams and I fall against my wall, sliding down, and holding on to his pillow.

  Why does this hurt so badly? How can someone I barely know come into my life so quickly and change things completely. How does that happen? How did I let him in after everything I have been through? I fucking knew better, and still let him in.

  “Dani!” I hear Jason’s voice and then footsteps running down my hall.

  He stops at my doorway, seeing me in a crying heap on the floor.

  With mascara tears running down my cheeks, I look up at him. “You were right. I’m not okay.”

  For the next hour, Jason cradles me on my floor while I cry, holding Lucas’ pillow surrounded by the destruction caused by the heart he broke.

  Stupid fucking boy.

  It’s a really shitty feeling to watch two people who truly love each other find a way to make their relationship work when yours is falling apart. Seriously shitty.

  As soon as Molly and Logan have kissed and made up, I head back for Monroe. Maybe I can see Dani and change her mind. She has to understand that I never hid things from her to hurt her. I did it because, in my fucked up mind, I thought I was protecting her. The drive is long, and despite driving ninety the whole way home, I have too much time on my hands to think of all the ways this could go wrong.

  Part of me thinks she hates me by now, which she should. But I know Dani; she is too good of a person to really hate anyone, even me. I wonder how much she’s cried since she spoke to Candice. How many times she’s wished she never met me.

  Hours later, after I have fucked with my own head by thinking over every possible negative situation that could arise, I pull into Dani’s apartment building’s parking lot. I doubt she will want to see me, but I have to make her understand where my mindset was when everything happened. Make her see that despite my fuckups, I love her and I won’t give up on her.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?”

  I see Jason walking out of the building as I approach the door.

  “Look, man, I know you hate me, but right now, I need to see Dani. She and I have to talk about some things.”

  “See, that’s where you’re wrong, Lucas. Y’all don’t have shit to talk about. You hurt her. She dumped your ass. The end.”

  “Jason, I know she’s your friend and you’re just trying to protect her, but you really don’t understand the situa
tion.”

  “I don’t understand the situation? I’ll tell you what I don’t understand, Lucas. I don’t understand how a guy like you was even lucky enough to get a girl like Dani in the first place. I don’t understand how, once you got her, you decided you could lie to her so easily. I don’t understand how you could be fucking dumb enough to think I will let you in this building. But I understand the situation. I had to fireman carry the situation into my sister’s apartment last night because she was crying so much she couldn’t walk. I had to sleep on a fucking chair because the situation passed out on the couch from crying. Then, today, I had to hold the situation while she cried and cussed for over an hour because of you. So don’t tell me I don’t understand the situation, Lucas, because I do. I understand the situation enough to know that you need to get the fuck out of here and leave Dani alone for good.”

  “Jason, I get what you’re saying, I really do, but there’s no way you can stop me from getting in that building.” I try to shoulder past him, but he pushes me in the chest with both hands.

  “Don’t start this shit, Jason. Just move out of my way.”

  He stands like a suited brick wall in front of the door. “No, Lucas. And if you even take another step toward this door, I won’t be responsible for what happens next.”

  What does that even mean? It’s not like Mr. Suit and Tie is going to do shit to me.

  I take a step toward the door, but am stopped short by a fist flying to my nose. My eyes instantly water from the impact and I can feel the blood rushing down my face.

  I grab my face and fold over in pain. “What the fuck, Jason? You just broke my nose!”

  “Yeah, I did, dickhead. You broke my friend’s heart, now we’re even. Get the fuck out of here.”

  This time I don’t argue. Jason can obviously dish out a good throw and I am in no shape to try to fight with him right now.

  I think about going to the emergency room, but change my mind. It’ll heal on its own. Instead, I drive to my mother’s house. I need two things only a mother can provide, homemade cookies and good advice.