No Laughing Matter: Lennox Brothers Romantic Comedy

by Hunter, Talia

  Ed’s door thumped open, and I turned to see him hurrying onto his porch.

  “Mr. Lennox,” I called. “I’m so sorry—” The words died in my throat when I saw he was carrying his own carton of eggs. “This is a misunderstanding,” I shouted. “Don’t do anything you’ll regret. Let’s calm down and discuss it like adults.”

  But Ed already had an egg in his hand. He drew back his arm with a determined frown, his enormous eyebrows forming a hairy V of concentration, and let it fly.

  I watched it arc toward us in slow motion, too stunned to move.

  His aim was true.

  “Ouch!” Mom danced around, shaking sticky egg goo off her arm. “That hurt!”

  “Would you please stop?” I yelled to Ed, over the noise of Xul's excited barks. “It’s a misunderstanding, that’s all. Mom thought it was you who left something nasty on our porch, and I’ve just explained to her that it—” I stumbled back with a gasp, then spat several words I didn’t usually say. My cheek was throbbing where an egg had hit me, and goo was running down my face and shoulder.

  “What the hell?” I shouted, trying to wipe the sticky goo off. Gross. It was gluing my eyelashes together and sticking my hair to my neck in an eggy clump.

  Ed Lennox cackled. “Got you,” he gloated. “Right in the kisser.”

  “You fiend!” Mom shouted. “You monster! If you think you can best the mighty goddess—” An egg hit the side of her head. “Ow!”

  She grabbed an egg out of her own carton and hurled it at him. But it fell short, splattering the top rail of his porch.

  I ducked as an egg sailed toward me. It clipped the side of my shoulder and more cold, sticky gunk splattered the nice shirt I’d worn to work.

  Mom shrieked as another egg hit her chest, and Ed crowed with triumph. He was above us, partly shielded by his porch rails, which gave him a huge advantage. The few eggs Mom was lobbing back hadn’t come close to hitting him, and on the sidewalk there was no cover to shelter behind. We may as well have targets painted on our foreheads. And Xul was capering around us, so excited that he kept getting in the way.

  “Athena needs a champion,” Mom shouted at me. “Artemis, goddess of the hunt, lend me your bow!”

  It had been a long time since I’d allowed myself to be drawn into one of Mom’s fantasies. They had a strong tendency to bite me in the ass. The reason I liked making up my own social media stories was so I could be the one in control. Far better to direct my own theater production than to be an expendable character in hers.

  On the other hand, Ed Lennox was taking aim again, and I was right in his firing line.

  “Screw this,” I muttered, ducking across to Mom and grabbing one of only four eggs left in her carton.

  She shot me an evil grin, drawing her hand back and hurling an egg that smacked against the porch sidings.

  As Edward laughed louder, taunting her, I planted both feet and sucked in a deep breath. An icy calm descended over me and I took careful aim.

  “Feel the Force, Neo,” I muttered to myself, mixing two different movie franchises together like a total badass, without a twinge of remorse.

  Then I hurled the egg as hard as I could.

  It struck Ed lower than I’d intended, hitting his chest when I’d been aiming at the sliver of slightly-less-hairy skin squashed directly between his enormous hairy eyebrows. But he yelped, staggering back, and Mom let out a loud whoop that made me laugh with sudden joy.

  “Shoot again, Artemis. Your arrows fly true.” Mom thrust the carton at me.

  As I grabbed another egg, I realized I was grinning. Not the polite, insincere smile that appeared when my feelings were hurt, but a wide, jubilant grin that matched well with villainous cackling.

  “I’ll get you for that!” yelled Ed. “I’ll make you regret it!”

  “I’m no egg-spert,” I called back, dancing from side to side to make myself harder to hit. “But you’re the one who just got scrambled. And I’m not yolking!”

  I flung myself violently sideways to avoid an incoming egg, and let out a scornful laugh as it smashed on the ground. “You missed!”

  A car pulled up behind me, but I only dimly registered the sound, because Xul was still barking, and I was busy doing my Skywalker-slash-Neo impression again, feeling the Force and manipulating the Matrix as I aimed for the spot between Ed’s brows. Cursing, he dropped the carton he was holding. With a wicked rush of glee, I realized he was out of ammo.

  I gave the throw everything I had.

  The egg sailed cleanly through the air, straight for Ed’s head. I was already cheering when it struck home, striking his chin and splattering goop over his mouth.

  “Eat egg, Ed!” I shook imaginary pom-poms and kicked my feet in the air, doing my best impromptu cheerleader routine as Mom hooted and war-danced next to me, her long puritan’s skirts hiked up and blobs of egg goop flying off her in all directions. She was grinning as widely as I was.

  “We conquered evil,” she crowed. “We rule the world!”

  “What’s going on?” asked a familiar male voice from behind me.

  I spun around. “Mason!” My stomach swooped as reality crashed into me like cold water. “What are you doing here?”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Carlotta

  Mason took in my gunk-soaked form, his expression unreadable.

  “My father called,” he said. “Dad yelled something about calling the police, then he hung up. So I jumped in the car.”

  Xul was bounding around my legs. He woofed at Mason before jumping up at Mom to lick egg off her clothes.

  “Arrest those two lunatics!” yelled Ed from the porch. “I’m filing charges.”

  I sucked in a breath, conscious of how ridiculous I must look. Every time I blinked, my eyelashes stuck together and I had to force them apart. My hair was a sticky mess and a clump of yolk was dripping down the front of my T-shirt.

  Normally I’d be overjoyed, because it was exactly the kind of look that made for social media hilarity. But Mason’s gaze made me self-conscious. He’d rocked my world with that unexpected, amazing kiss, and right now he had to be wondering whether it was possible to catch crazy through oral transmission.

  “No need to involve the police,” Mason called to his father.

  “What? Why the hell not?” Ed sounded outraged.

  Mason just shook his head, lifting one hand to rub across his mouth. Was he shocked? Angry? Contemptuous? Not that I should care, but…

  “You’re wet again, Carlotta,” Mason said, dropping his hand. “It’s definitely your thing.” His eyes creased, and a twitch in his cheek told me he was fighting laughter.

  “If you won’t do it, I’ll call the police myself,” Ed shouted from his porch. “The attack was unprovoked. Those two started it, and I was forced to defend myself.” He stormed back into the house, slamming the door behind him.

  “This is your fault.” Mom rounded on Mason, jabbing her finger at him. “You and your father are in it together. Now I see what’s going on here. Carlotta, Mason’s the one who left that steaming mess on my porch!”

  I gaped at her. “You can’t be serious, Mom. There’s no way you’re blaming Mason.”

  Mason gave us the Time Out hand signal. “Wait a minute. What mess on your porch?”

  “Don’t pretend you don’t know,” huffed Mom. “You’re Edward’s henchman. You can’t fool me.”

  “Somebody dumped a pile of manure outside Mom’s front door,” I explained.

  “When?” Mason turned, and I followed as he strode toward Mom’s place. “Did you see who left it? Tell me exactly what happened.”

  “We were out,” I said. “We both arrived home at once and found it there.”

  He strode up Mom’s rickety steps, Xul bounding behind him, and stopped at the top, peering at the turd pile. It wasn’t fresh enough to steam, but it wasn’t old, either. And the stink was awful.

  “Judging from its size, it must be horse or cow manure.” Mason shift
ed on the creaking boards.

  “Or elephant,” I suggested. “Maybe a T-Rex?”

  Xul sniffed it, his tongue lolling. He looked like he was having the best day of his entire life. He hadn’t bounced so energetically for years.

  “That’s two incidents.” Mason wore a worried frown. “We need to catch your harasser before he does anything worse.”

  “I’ll report it to the police,” I said. “But I think they have bigger crimes to worry about.”

  Mom stomped up the steps behind us and glared at Mason. “If you didn’t do this, your father must have. Dumping excrement on my doorstep is exactly the kind of vile act I’d expect from him.”

  Mason stepped around the poop pile and tried the front door. When it opened, he examined it. “This lock isn’t secure. You need a proper deadbolt and a peephole so you can see who’s knocking before you open it,” he said to Mom. “Some security lights would help too, and security cameras.”

  “Cameras? So you can record me?” Mom snorted. “Get off my property and away from my daughter!”

  “Mom, please don’t be rude.”

  She drew up her spine, looking outraged. “I need to shower. Please escort that scoundrel from the premises, Carlotta.” Striding past us, she disappeared into the house.

  “May I take a look at your windows?” asked Mason. The porch was creaking and groaning under his weight, and I had to give him points for not showing fear.

  “Sure. Come in, away from this stench.” I walked gingerly inside, checking I wasn’t leaving egg stains on the floor. Mom had disappeared into her bedroom, and her door was closed.

  Mason followed me into the living room, where he inspected the windows, shaking his head. “Your locks are rusty. One shoulder blow and they’d disintegrate.”

  “The entire house needs some serious work,” I agreed in a low voice. “I didn’t realize it was so bad, and I don’t think Mom’s teaching salary leaves her with much to spare. Now I have a job, I’ll try and contribute toward repairs.”

  “This is an urgent problem.” He fiddled with the window latch. “Whoever’s been harassing you could easily break in.”

  That sounded scary. “I’ll get the latches fixed,” I assured him.

  “I’ll fix them.”

  “Thanks, but I can’t ask you to do that.”

  “You’re not asking. I’m offering.”

  “It’s too much.”

  Instead of arguing, he folded his arms and tightened his square jaw. Standing like that made his biceps bulge, and he radiated solid determination, like the living embodiment of all things right and good. All he needed was a cape.

  Suddenly, I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry.

  “And in breaking news from Gotham,” I muttered. “Super Muscle Man is forced to rescue his bumbling arch-nemesis, Raw Omelet Girl.”

  “What?”

  “I lifted egg-covered hands, shaking my head. “Nothing. I just need to wash the egg gunk out of my eyelashes before I shovel the dinosaur poop off the porch. It’s been an awesome day. Everything’s totally fine.”

  Mom emerged from her bedroom with wet hair, wearing clean clothes that were bright, but otherwise startlingly normal. She went straight to the liquor cabinet and sloshed Gin into a glass.

  Mason glanced at the clock, but didn’t say anything about the fact she was drinking hard liquor at four thirty in the afternoon. And I was in no position to criticize, seeing as I fully intended to pour a glass for myself as soon as I’d scrubbed the porch clean.

  Desperate times, and all that.

  “Didn’t I banish you from the premises?” Mom glowered at Mason. “Carlotta, fetch me a black candle, a Bible, and a crucifix. I need to perform an exorcism.”

  “I’ll leave in a minute,” he said. “First I want to talk about your window latches. They need to be repaired, so I’m going to fix them.”

  “You’ll do no such thing!”

  “I’m going to wash up.” I tried not to look cowardly as I backed hurriedly out of the room.

  When I saw how ridiculous I looked in the bathroom mirror, I took a quick picture before cleaning the gunk off my face and hands. There was no point in showering until after I’d shoveled away the poop. Besides, if I left Mason and Mom alone together for too long, I might end up having to dispose of at least one body, and I didn’t want to add to the amount of shoveling I already had to do.

  When I emerged, I could hear Mason talking in the living room, but incredibly, Mom wasn’t shouting. Walking closer to the door, I realized he wasn’t talking about window latches. His voice was pitched low and quiet, but the walls were thin enough that I could just make out his words.

  “Don’t you think you should tell Carlotta about what happened between you and my father?”

  “It’s nobody else’s business,” snapped Mom. “Not yours and not hers.”

  “You made it Carlotta’s business when you dragged her into the middle of your war.”

  Mom said something I didn’t catch, then, “Don’t you dare tell her. I’ll deny everything.”

  Mason’s voice rumbled, the words indistinct. Mom said something in return, and I crept closer. Then I heard Mason say, “We forgave my father for what happened.”

  “The whole thing was your father’s fault,” Mom snarled. “He fooled me into believing he was a romantic hero. Nothing could be further from the truth.”

  “If Carlotta finds out about the affair, knowing you kept it from her will make it worse.”

  My heart was thumping hard enough to break my ribs, and my pulse was so loud in my ears, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to hear Mom’s reply.

  “She won’t find out. Now leave. You’re not welcome here.”

  I stepped into the room, my legs shaky. My face felt bloodless and I’d probably gone pale.

  “You had an affair with Ed Lennox?” I asked Mom in a weak voice.

  She glowered at Mason, her glass now empty. “This is your fault.”

  “Is that why Dad left us? Is it why Mason’s mother took him away?”

  She crossed to the liquor cabinet. “Your father was barely here. He was absent long before he officially left.” She sloshed more Gin into her glass, her face flushed with anger.

  “You and Ed Lennox?” I shook my head. “No. This is one of your fantasies. It has to be. Wait.” I snapped my fingers. “You were just wearing a costume. You’re pretending to be Hester from The Scarlet Letter. This isn’t real.”

  “It’s real.” Mason’s voice was soft.

  Mom drew herself up. “Just like Hester, I was sorely wronged. I was vilified, and abandoned, and—”

  “Don’t lie to me, Mom.” A hot flash of rage shot through me. “For once in your life, stick with reality. Tell me the truth.”

  Mom sighed. “The truth.” Her voice grew heavy and her shoulders sagged, her anger draining away. “The truth is that we were both unhappy.” Her tone was flat, as though she had no drama left in her. “Edward fought with his wife all the time. She was an emotional rollercoaster. He couldn’t predict how she’d react to anything.”

  I searched Mason’s face, because even though Mom sounded more serious than she had for years, I couldn’t trust her. He gave me a nod, his eyes full of sympathy. “My mother was unpredictable.”

  When my gaze went back to Mom, she met it with a flicker of defiance, as though outraged I’d turned to Mason for confirmation.

  “I was doing my best,” she said. “Teaching full time, while I raised you and your brother. But with your father away all the time, it was hard. Edward was going through a similar thing. We started out trying to help each other and it went further than it should have. I never meant to hurt anyone. Least of all you or Declan.”

  She sounded like she was being honest. This was nothing like the plot of The Scarlet Letter, and she didn’t seem to be spinning a fantasy about being a misunderstood heroine.

  Could I actually believe her?

  “Dad found out about you and Ed?�
�� I asked.

  She nodded. “Your father was on one of his long business trips when Edward’s wife discovered the affair. After he found out, he left for good.”

  “The day Mom found out about the affair, she put me and my brothers in the car and took us to Mexico,” Mason said.

  Mom turned to Mason. “Edward didn’t know where she’d taken you. He thought his wife would bring you back. But with each day and week that went past with no sign of you, he got more worried.” Mom’s expression hardened. “But that’s no excuse for your father’s behavior. He blamed me for the whole thing.”

  I clenched my hands in front of my body so nobody would notice they were trembling. As hard as it had been to be told my father would never come home again, how much worse had it been for Mason to be dragged to a whole new country?

  “You knew about the affair all along?” I asked Mason.

  He moved closer to put his hand on my arm, his voice gentle. “Mom told us when she took us away.”

  “All this time you never told me?”

  That had to be why he’d ignored me when he got back from Mexico. But my fresh understanding of his actions was warring with the fact he’d known about the affair when I’d been clueless. Once again, I’d been living in somebody else’s fantasy world with no idea of what was real. Believing the stories I was told, without even suspecting they were lies.

  “Edward said some terrible things,” Mom snapped. “He accused me of seducing him.”

  “Why couldn’t you tell me the truth back then?” I demanded.

  Mom narrowed her eyes at Mason. “Will you leave? I need to speak to my daughter alone.”

  Mason’s jaw tightened and for a moment I thought he was going to argue. Then he nodded. “Will you be okay?” His eyes radiated worry for me.

  “I think so,” I said, though I felt a long way from okay.

  “I’m sorry you found out this way.” He turned to Mom. “I didn’t mean for the truth to come out like that, but Carlotta deserved to know.”

  Mom huffed, drawing herself erect. “You, sir, are Wickham in the guise of Mr. Darcy. You’re a—”

  “Don’t start playing a role now.” I cut her off, my voice sharp. “You’ve been more honest with me in the last five minutes than in the last twenty-nine years, and that’s the only way we’ll get through this.”