Joe Bruzzese

by Parents' Guide to the Middle School Years

  COACHING TIP

  If you suspect a phone call is going badly, after the call ends wait for a minimum of ten minutes (sometimes longer; watch for behavior that indicates an opening) before checking in with your child. A simple statement like “Let me know if you want to talk” is sometimes all that is needed to bring your child to a place where he can talk calmly about what happened on the phone. Avoid barging into the bedroom or picking up the phone during a heated call; this is likely to bring a wave of adolescent wrath crashing down on you. Space and time can relieve tension, so allow your child one or both when his emotions run to the extreme.

  Appearance changes

  In an effort to fit in, adolescents often change their physical appearance to look like other members of a particular group. Adolescents experience an increased urgency to find and be accepted by a peer group. From an adolescent’s perspective, belonging to any peer group is better than being alone. These groups come together for different reasons, such as a similar interest in a sport, an extracurricular activity, or music. Once the group forms, it’s common to see them wearing the same fashion styles and haircuts as a way to further express the group’s shared identity.

  Occasionally children enter middle school with one or two close friends who subsequently connect with a new group—leaving a few lost souls clamoring for friendship. Without a defined peer group of their own, these children may come together and create a unique identity. Rather than blending into the social background, these new social groups often make extreme changes in how they look (hair, clothes, piercings, and tattoos) in an effort to attract attention.

  Friendships definitely play a crucial role in your middle schooler’s ongoing emotional development. Best friends can become arch enemies within the span of a day, before again returning to BFF (best friends forever) status. This cyclical pattern inevitably leaves your child vulnerable to having her feelings hurt. Stand by, offer a supportive shoulder to cry on, but restrain yourself from trying to help solve your child’s every friendship dispute. Your life can quickly become a soap opera of adolescent angst if you choose to take on the role of problem solver or peer mediator. No parent welcomes the sight of a teary-eyed child, but flying in to save the day doesn’t give your child the opportunity to negotiate a relationship truce. Navigating the path between emotional confidant and supportive parent can be tricky, particularly when you’re called on to welcome a new group of friends whom you know nothing about. You can both support your child and give her the freedom to find a peer group for herself by respectfully observing her circle of friends, without hovering too close or assuming the role of friendship manager.

  You’re probably thinking, Good idea, but how do I pull it off? One key is figuring out how to stay informed about your middle schooler without seeming intrusive or overbearing.

  Smart sleuthing

  When it comes to talking about the details of their friendships (and many other aspects of their lives), most middle schoolers develop and fine-tune their ability to use selective silence when parents ask questions. Parents try to engage the child in conversation and get one-word answers—or even no response at all. As their frustration grows, many parents settle for conversations that more closely resemble a game of Twenty Questions than a real conversation.

  Why do kids seem to clam up at this point in their lives? The answer lies in their growing need to develop a unique sense of self. It’s natural for adolescents to want to stake a sole claim to some part of their lives. So they typically view a parent’s questions and comments about their lives as intrusive. They’ll commonly answer with a short “That’s my business” or “Why are you so nosy?” and then retreat behind the bedroom door.

  Revisiting the birds and bees

  As if it weren’t challenging enough having to stake a claim to a particular peer group, many middle schoolers experience the pangs of romance for the first time. We called them crushes, and kids still use the term to describe feelings that range from “I would like to be more than friends” to infatuation. Crushes typically precede a move toward a full-fledged boyfriend or girlfriend relationship, but the awkward nature of expressing one’s romantic intentions often brings any potential for a relationship to a halt before it can evolve into anything more lasting than a crush. Occasionally you may overhear your child use the phrase hooking up in reference to a recent sexual rendezvous between two classmates. When crushes move beyond the virtual connections of cell phone calls and online messaging to a sexual encounter, then the romance has moved to the hookup phase. Exploring intimate relationships rarely leads to physical contact beyond the occasional kiss, but the media’s recent attempts to sensationalize sex during the middle school years may have you believing otherwise.

  Although viewing any of the prominent daytime talk shows could leave you worried about the prevalence of sexual behavior among today’s middle schoolers, the statistics tell a different story. Recent research from United States Department of Health and Human Services does confirm the existence of sexual activity during the middle school years, but at nowhere near the epidemic levels that media outlets would have you believe. Although research indicates that some middle schoolers do engage in sexual intercourse and oral sex, the numbers are low in comparison to those in high school. This knowledge won’t relieve the anxiety that comes from imagining yourself suddenly a middle-aged grandparent, but it does give you a wonderful opportunity to sit down and revisit the birds and bees conversation with your child.

  The parents I speak to rarely express delight in talking with their children about sex, yet they are willing to put their own discomfort aside when considering the potential alternative—teenage pregnancy. Beginning a discussion about the consequences of becoming sexually active can be difficult, bordering on impossible, for the reluctant parent. Ease into the conversation by planning for some alone time with your child. A trip to the park, movie theater, or other public venue gives you an opportunity to share some meaningful time together. Refrain from having the conversation while driving in a car. The lack of face-to-face contact may be easier for you, but your child won’t get to see your reaction to her questions, comments, and concerns, any of which might cause you to suddenly veer off course, causing a massive pile-up. Save yourself from potential injury; find a quiet place where you can give the conversation your complete attention.

  It’s hard enough starting a conversation about everyday issues; talking about a topic that’s implicitly uncomfortable ups the ante. But your discomfort is an indicator of just how important this topic is. So be honest and jump in with both feet. Even an opener like “I want to talk about relationships” or “Is there anything you want to ask me about sex?” doesn’t really get to the heart of what you really want to talk about. Opt instead for a straightforward statement that shares both your intent and concern; something like, “I know kids your age are having sex, and I want to make sure you have answers to questions you might be wondering about.” Yes, it’s blunt and initially shocking for your child to hear you say the word sex, but it brings the elephant in the room from a dark corner to center stage, where you can begin to have a conversation about a topic that every child wonders about at some point on the road to adolescence. Whether or not your child has thought of or is currently engaging in sexual behavior, he or she will have questions. Without a parent’s guidance, kids will often seek answers from other trusted adults. In the absence of their qualified advice, your child will turn to her peer group. Heading down a path in the dark while being led by a person who’s blindfolded doesn’t sound like a safe way to travel. Turn on the light for your child, so she can see the path ahead and feel confident about the choices she will make in the coming years.

  Times to talk

  Here are some suggestions for opening up the lines of communication. Kids anticipate the inevitable blast of parent questions at the end of a school day or over dinner. Choose instead to wait and listen. Instead of dominating each attempt at conversation with your own questions,
try to say less and let your child do more of the talking. For example, let silence fill the space during car rides home from school (or, if your child takes the bus or carpool, during the initial after-school moments when the two of you meet up at home) instead of immediately asking questions. You may have a couple of quiet rides or moments, but eventually your child will likely share a comment about the day. As the words begin to flow, wait until you have the opportunity to add a comment or ask a question that will prompt further conversation. A lot of kids actually like to talk if given the opportunity. What they don’t appreciate are a rapid-fire barrage of questions and the continued probing of what they perceive to be nosy parents. In time, your less-is-more approach will be rewarded by a more talkative teen.

  A child’s one-word responses to your questions can bring a conversation to a halt at the outset. Try asking questions that begin with “How” rather than “Why” or “What.” Such questions hand ownership of the conversation to your child. When you ask “How did you do that?” or “How did you find out about that?” you set the stage for your child to take control of the conversation. Remember, your purpose is to keep the conversation moving. Asking questions with yes-or-no answers will bring most discussions to a halt; questions that begin with “How” can keep an adolescent talking for hours. “How did you do so well on your test?” or “How did it feel when you heard the news?” are two examples of questions that acknowledge a child’s ability and emotions, and acknowledgment stimulates conversation. By contrast, questions beginning with “Why” put kids on the defensive. “Why did you do that?” or “Why didn’t you try it the way we talked about earlier?” require the child to justify his actions. The adolescent mind perceives a “Why?” question as an accusation of wrongdoing. The natural reaction to this accusation can turn a lighthearted conversation into a series of short negative exchanges. Staying focused on your child’s enthusiasm and interests can keep “why” questions from creeping in and smothering your together time.

  “Aidan hardly ever talked until the day I realized I wasn’t giving him a chance to. I stopped peppering him with so many questions all the time, and he started opening up. Now he jumps into the car after practice and immediately starts talking about the players and coaches. He goes almost nonstop for our entire thirty-minute trip home.”

  —John, middle school parent, Phoenix, AZ

  Beyond the everyday conversations you should strive to achieve with your child, you may also have opportunities to gain valuable information about his day through casual observation. And when it comes to observation, rule number one is to keep your distance. Observing is different from hovering: although observing casually from a distance will provide you with information about your child’s social circle, hovering over your child by following him onto and around the school campus will almost certainly embarrass both your child and you.

  Look for and plan times when your presence will not be noticed by your child. The minutes following the morning drop-off or immediately preceding the afternoon pick-up can be wonderful observation times: when kids come together at school, their focus shifts to each other, which leaves you with a few moments to observe from the safe distance of your car, getting a glimpse of your child’s body language and overall demeanor while interacting with his friends as he walks into school or toward the car. Sports practices and games can be another venue for similarly unobtrusive information gathering. On the flip side, showing up at school or at an event unexpectedly in an attempt to gain a front seat to your child’s social proceedings can end badly. You may even do this unwittingly when you suddenly find yourself cast into a crowd of your child’s peers at a party pickup or after-school event. The less-than-subtle look on your child’s face will be a clear indicator that you don’t belong—and the cold shoulder that follows will reinforce this. When these inevitable moments occur, try a simple apology to your child. A statement like “I will try to stay farther away next time” may not gain you immediate verbal acceptance or forgiveness, but your child will know you’re aware of how important the social part of his life has become.

  A middle schooler’s social life doesn’t end at the conclusion of the school day. The prolific use of cell phones and text messaging can keep kids connected late into the evening hours. To bring more conversation back into your relationship, try identifying times and places where your child is not allowed to use the cell phone. Make your home a no-cell zone; this doesn’t mean no phone calls, rather, all social calls must happen on the landline phone. This doesn’t make it OK to listen in on your child’s phone calls, but it does give you the chance to keep an ear tuned to the first few minutes of the conversation—just long enough to find out who’s calling and why. If you’re genuinely concerned about what you hear, after she has hung up, try simply saying, “Let me know if there’s anything you want to talk about.” This may be enough to get your child to open up about the call.

  Practice these tips by planning for short exchanges or casual observations throughout the week. Look for moments when you might share a few minutes of conversation over dinner or in the after-school hours before bedtime. If the weekdays seem crammed, look ahead to the weekend for a time when you might take a short drive or share lunch while taking on a few errands. It may seem hard to carve out time in a busy schedule, but the extra effort can earn you the invaluable reward of a deeper, more open relationship with your child, in which she is more likely to take your good advice on ways she can succeed in middle school—including how to make new friends.

  Though most new middle schoolers will naturally tend to look for familiar faces from elementary school, the hundreds of new kids on a middle school campus represent a great opportunity to add new friends to the mix. Give your child a leg up by reassuring her that you remember how challenging it can be to meet new friends in middle school—and offer the following three tips to make it easier:

  1. Just say “hi.” Starting a conversation with a complete stranger is challenging for most middle schoolers (and for some adults, too). Sometimes the easiest way to begin is by saying “Hi.” Typically, students begin arriving at school fifteen to thirty minutes before the opening bell. In the early days of the school year, your child will naturally be looking for a familiar face; encourage your child to say “Hi,” or just smile in the direction of a few new people along the way. She’ll have another chance to share a smile, a quick “Hi,” or a “What’s up?” while walking through the halls between classes. Having made a few friendly gestures during the morning hours, your child is primed for the lunch break—where short conversations can develop into budding friendships.

  “My best advice to new students is to smile and say ‘Hi’ to everyone they see here on the school campus.”

  —Veronica Rogers, junior high principal, Goleta, CA

  2. Find a group. The lunch area is teeming with potential friends. Encourage your child to look for a table full of kids that includes a familiar face from one of his morning classes and join them. In shared conversation over lunch, kids often identify common interests. With these connections, kids begin to form new circles of friends.

  3. Get involved. Before the school year begins, many schools send out information about all of the extracurricular activities that will be available in the coming year. Taking part in these activities is one of the best ways to meet new friends, so be sure to talk about the options with your child and decide on a few to try (we’ll talk more about how to make these extracurricular choices in chapter 4). With a slate of activities in place, your child will be able to ask other kids about the activities they plan to join—giving him one more way to build a new group of buddies.

  Out with the old, in with the new

  Meeting new friends doesn’t mean old friends are forgotten. Maintaining friendships from the elementary school years helps children smooth out their transition into middle school. The sense of familiarity created by seeing well-known faces around campus and in the classroom can soothe the anxiety of being surrounde
d by new faces. Staying connected with old friends often opens us to meeting new people who may become part of our social circle.

  Most of us have difficulty remembering where we first met the people who are now among our circle of close friends. Spouses aside, we generally can trace the first conversation of a budding friendship only to a range of time (say, sometime during the middle school years) rather than a specific moment (say, November 1, 1989, at the mall, while sharing a root beer float). Our difficulty in recalling the beginning of friendships is due in part to the many impromptu conversations we have with new arrivals (friends of friends) to our current circle of friends. We meet these friends of friends through a series of continued interactions that eventually lead to identifying common interests. Middle school offers a bevy of similar opportunities for expanding a child’s social circle. Encourage your child to maintain old friendships; they hold the possibility of meeting new friends.

  The process of meeting new friends isn’t always a happy one. As kids sort through their new mix of schoolmates, power struggles may arise. As new social circles form, dominant personalities emerge, and many children experience for the first time the phenomena of bullies and cliques. You can help minimize the unpleasantness of schoolyard ruffians and queen bees seeking social status by equipping your child with a set of proactive skills.