Joe Bruzzese

by Parents' Guide to the Middle School Years

  Whether your child’s interests spawn a year-round sports commitment or a series of community service events, the middle school years are sure to be filled with a wealth of new extracurricular options. Finding places and people who connect with your child’s interests is one of the most important actions you will take in the coming years.

  In fulfilling the role of resource guide for your child, you may need to investigate and engage in many of your preteen’s interests so that your recommendations are well informed. Chief among the long line of middle school attractions is the surge toward online interaction. YouTube, MySpace, and Facebook stand out on a growing list of web-based services popular with today’s middle school kids. In the coming chapter we will dig into the world of online media in an effort to connect you with knowledge and strategies for keeping your child safe online.

  CHAPTER 5

  Keeping Kids

  Safe Online

  MAINTAINING A BALANCE between school responsibilities and extracurricular commitments is a major challenge for today’s families. Another struggle for parents is negotiating a safe environment for their child’s growing curiosity about the Internet. When they were that age, their neighborhood friends would drop by for an impromptu after-school get-together; that’s no longer such a common practice. Today’s kids are far more sophisticated in their social interactions. The move to continue friendships online, through instant messages and social networking sites, simply takes advantage of a new medium for these relationships to grow and change. The challenge to stay in sync with your child’s developing internet prowess may leave you feeling bewildered and even frustrated at times. Broadening your own technological knowledge base will help to alleviate the stress and uncertainty you may feel about your child’s computer-related activity. However, knowledge alone is not enough to meet the continued challenge of staying connected with your child as he becomes a savvy internet user. In this chapter you will learn a new set of strategies for tackling many of the internet-related issues facing parents of today’s middle school children.

  Connect, collaborate, and problem-solve

  My earliest memories of sitting in front of a computer date back to the days of DOS-based systems and the Apple IIE. As a child, I was overjoyed at the thought of being able to hit the delete key, no longer needing the assistance of correction fluid or my rickety old typewriter. The evolution of the computer from word processor to worldwide communication device seemed to happen nearly overnight. In the span of two decades, the Internet grew to become the single greatest source of information our world has ever known. Shortly after the emergence of dial-up internet service came broadband (high-speed, continuously connected internet service), which brought new meaning to the word connectivity. The irony facing parents today is that we live in a world where transcontinental communication can be achieved in seconds, whereas staying connected with your own child takes years to accomplish.

  Children born today don’t know a world without computers or the Internet. Given the gap in knowledge many parents have with respect to technology, a child’s online activity often escapes parents’ notice or exceeds the comfort level many parents have when venturing online. This new generation of children, often called the Millennial Generation or Generation Y, comes equipped with a highly developed sense of what it means to connect, collaborate, and problem-solve using technology. Questions that formerly took weeks to answer now find solutions in minutes, if not seconds, after posting a blast to their online network. Social networking has given rise to powerhouse sites like MySpace and Facebook. Although both of these media giants cater mainly to teen users, their influence spawned the creation of Club Penguin, Webkinz, and Moshi Monsters, three sites now popular among tweens making their way through the elementary and middle school years. With the power to connect at any time and with anyone, children have the world at their fingertips.

  Accessibility doesn’t come without a price, though. Given the Internet’s daily evolution, kids often find themselves exposed to new websites and online resources without the assistance of a qualified guide. Website addresses flow freely from one child to the next like notes handed from desk to desk. Although schools are gradually finding ways to censor inappropriate website content, their efforts do little to curb the vast amount of unchecked time kids spend online in the after-school hours. The responsibility of leading a child through the gauntlet of potentially harmful online media outlets has fallen on the shoulders of parents, many of whom remember a time when computers were nothing more than an efficient way to type a letter.

  Bringing your home up to code

  Every child needs a computer with internet access, right? The answer is a qualified yes. With guidance and supervision, children can learn to use the Internet to explore new worlds, engage in productive online communities, and expand their knowledge in virtually any area of interest. But without instruction, your child is at risk from a range of different threats.

  A computer with internet access can either be lifesaving or life-threatening. Kids can now look online for a group of peers or a qualified teen coach as a primary source of support for battling bullies, depression, or the host of other issues that can affect a child’s emotional well-being during the middle school years. At the same time, online predators and cyberbullying can put kids into life-threatening situations. Although some websites such as cybersafety.com and netsmartz.org devote themselves to the daily task of filtering through questionable content, their efforts can’t stem the tide of new content. In addition to computers, cell phones now come equipped with the ability to connect to the Internet. Many of the policies you put in place regarding internet use on a computer can also carry over to your child’s cell phone use.

  At least one personal computer has become a standard in most U.S. homes today. The number of households with one or more computers has risen steadily over the last decade, from a mere 20 percent of homes in 1998 to a startling 75 percent by the year 2008. Kindergartners now huddle over laptops during times that were formerly reserved for Legos and Barbie dolls. In our haste to respond to societal pressure to stay technologically current, we have glossed over the importance of engaging in thoughtful discussions about how technology’s latest toys will impact our lives and, in particular, the way children interact with the world. With the focus now on creating computers that are easier to use, new purchases rarely include any information beyond where to insert the power cord. Perhaps the ubiquity of personal computing among children has led computer makers to assume that kids already know their way around the Internet. Consider taking the time to create a plan for a computer’s arrival or placement to maximize the chances for a safe and secure online experience.

  You can provide a safe and secure environment for all internet-related activity by designating a central location for all of your family’s computers. A desk or table placed strategically in either the family room or kitchen offers two benefits. In either of these high-traffic areas, parents can easily check on their child’s internet activity more frequently. The ever-present possibility of your taking an occasional glance as you stroll through the family room can be enough to hold your child accountable for her time online. Bringing all of your family’s computers to a centralized location has the added benefit of bringing family members together. Even though you may not hold extended conversations with your child, she still benefits from sharing the same space with you. Who knows—the close proximity may spur questions or unexpected opportunities to share something interesting, which typically doesn’t happen when kids disappear behind a bedroom door. A laptop’s portability adds an extra level of challenge for families who want to keep everyone working together. By clearly defining a limited area for your common computer, you can eliminate the possibility of your child sequestering the family laptop—a frequent practice among mobile teens.

  Having designated a computer spot, you can turn your attention to creating an acceptable use plan for your family’s time online. Most schools now require paren
ts and kids to sign a document that defines a set of rules governing safe internet use at school. The consequences for failing to abide by the plan are also clearly articulated in this document. If a copy of this school document doesn’t appear during the first few weeks of school, consider requesting one. Draw on your child’s school experiences as you co-create your family’s plan. As one of the main points in your plan, I suggest designating internet-free times each week when all family members will peel themselves away from the screen to engage in an alternative activity. An hour after school or a few hours during each weekend is normally enough time to ensure a clean break from the electronic umbilical cord. Commit to specific time slots each week in which all family members will surrender their electronic devices in exchange for time together.

  Carving out a few hours of computer-free time still leaves a significant portion of the week when your family will scramble for their fair share of time online. Sharing computer time in a household with multiple kids and a few email-hungry adults may necessitate greater structure in your plan. By scheduling equitable amounts of time on the weekly calendar, you can alleviate the inevitable rush to commandeer a work station every evening. The imposition of a weekly schedule may not bring happiness, but it will bring some sanity to your family’s computer use.

  “What were you looking at?”

  Bringing the structure of a schedule to your family’s plan lays the groundwork for a discussion about inappropriate content. Over dinner or in another uninterrupted twenty-minute time slot, engage in a quick brainstorming activity with your family in which you create a list of types of websites that are off limits. Each family has a different idea about what constitutes inappropriate content, but most would agree that websites promoting pornography, gambling, violence, hate groups, and drug use are off-limits. Sites that you would like to view with your child prior to allowing their independent use can be marked with a PG for parental guidance. YouTube may be a site deserving of the PG rating. The entirely user-generated media site features over a million video clips spanning a variety of topics. Although the site actively removes any pornographic content users attempt to upload, a significant number of clips feature violent and questionable content.

  The social networking sites Facebook and MySpace may be among your top nominees for the list of restricted sites. But resist the temptation (for the moment) to add either one to your family’s list until you have read the coming sections of this chapter specifically devoted to these controversial online venues.

  Safe surfing strategies

  In conjunction with writing a plan for safe and secure internet use, some families also list ideas that promote safe online surfing. Consider the following five strategies for responsible internet use at home.

  1. If you unknowingly stumble upon information that the family considers inappropriate, quickly click the Back button in your browser. This easy-to-develop reflex prevents 99 percent of content-related issues. If a child knows where the Back button is located there should never be questionable pictures or text information lingering on the screen.

  2. If it’s illegal offline, it’s illegal online. Copying a music CD or downloading your friend’s entire song list from his iPod can result in stiff legal penalties. Though the music industry has put precautionary measures in place to prohibit illegally sharing music, the appearance of new music and software-sharing sites continues to cause problems. Falsifying personal information for the purpose of gaining access to age-restricted sites also qualifies as unlawful behavior.

  3. Email and instant messages from strangers are cause for alarm. Saying no to strangers has become standard practice for kids today in the offline world. Yet the majority of tweens and teens think little of exchanging personal information in response to anonymous inquiries while online. Although schools are working to promote safety online, the message doesn’t have nearly the effect that the “say no to strangers” campaign had over the past few decades.

  4. Create an account online only when a parent is present. Email services and most social networking sites require the completion of an online form prior to creating an account. Provide only the required information (normally designated with an asterisk). Consider using a family email address if one is required to complete the account setup process. With a centralized email address you have better access to unsolicited requests or inappropriate messages that might reach your child if she had her own account.

  5. Plan to spend time together online (as parent and child) so you can stay current on your child’s browsing activity. Kids new to the online arena are often excited about sharing their discoveries or internet-based hobbies. Responding to your child’s excited attempts at sharing gives you a brief glimpse at their online world while also acknowledging the importance of their interests. Periodic check-ins keep you engaged and aware of your child’s activity in the online world in the same way you want to know their whereabouts in the offline world.

  Before bringing your family’s discussion to a close, spend a few moments talking about the consequences for failing to adhere to the family’s plan. Children often propose extreme punishments (a year without the Internet) that do little to educate and promote healthy internet use after the punishment is lifted. Temper the severe punishment ideas with a more logical, long-term approach. Consider a healthy portion of cyber safety reading and a session with the school’s computer lab specialist, who can guide your child’s development of safe internet practices. Education coupled with a short respite from the Internet is often enough to reestablish an adherence to the family’s mutually agreed-upon objectives.

  Productive prying

  Continued communication keeps kids and parents connected. Establishing a climate of trust helps to ensure an open line of communication on internet-related issues. Occasionally, though, kids stop talking or become secretive about their time online. If you suspect behavior that violates your family’s acceptable use plan, ask for some one-on-one time when your child can guide you through a tour of his recent internet adventures. If your request is met with an eye roll or similar gesture of reluctance, you may need to conduct an informal search on your own time. Fortunately, your computer remembers where you go and who you see.

  Internet Explorer, Safari, and Firefox are all internet browsers. Each of these programs serves as a connection point between your computer and the Internet. Like a car traveling along an endless stretch of highway, a computer’s browser can deliver you to any destination (website) on the World Wide Web. But unlike the average automobile, a browser retains a history of your internet travel destinations.

  Taking ten minutes to investigate your child’s online activity can save you hours of needless anxiety. With your computer on and the internet browser open, look for the word “History” along the top line of your browser screen. In Internet Explorer, click “Tools” and look for History in the dropdown menu. The browser history records a detailed list of website locations the user has recently accessed. Although you can adjust the duration of your browser’s history, the default setting is two weeks, giving you ample opportunity to scan for any suspicious activity. Different browsers offer different methods for clearing the browser history; if yours is not obvious, try the Help feature.

  If responsible internet use continues to be a struggle, consider purchasing one of the many commercially available parent monitoring programs. With a few quick clicks parents can gain access to every instant message and email a child sends or receives from the family’s computer. Unlike a browser history, a monitoring program’s memory cannot be deleted by anyone except the person who originally installed it. Before you resort to this, though, sit down with your child and share your concern for his safety. Installing an internet surveillance program sends a specific message to your child: “I don’t trust you.” Often kids and parents can come to an agreement about the importance of safe internet use and the value of retaining an honest and trusting relationship.

  Your secret decoder ring

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��OMG PAW G2G” (“Oh my god, parents are watching, got to go”). Sitting next to your middle schooler as she happily clicks away on instant messages (IM) won’t reveal much about her online conversations unless you learn the lingo for these often indecipherable exchanges. Unfortunately, most kids are not interested in educating their parents in the finer points of this modern-day pig Latin. Consider the following list of commonly used acronyms as a primer for learning to understand teen tech speak. You’ll find a complete dictionary of online acronyms at www.teenchatdecoder.com. Tackle a few new terms each week and you will be well on your way to IMing with the best of them. Try a few of your newfound favorites in a text message to your child, and wait for her startled reply.

  AUD–Are you done?

  BAF–Bring a friend

  BF–Boyfriend

  BFF–Best friends forever

  CD9–Code 9, parents are around

  CYA–See ya

  DIKU–Do I know you?

  HHJK–Ha ha, just kidding