Joe Bruzzese

by Parents' Guide to the Middle School Years

  If Carey and her parents had taken a few moments to create a clear set of expectations, they might have avoided an argument later. Admittedly, it’s tough to determine an appropriate level of challenge that will stretch a child without subsequently diminishing her zeal for exploring the unknown—but you’ll find it well worth the effort.

  Creating goals and a path for growth

  Creating goals takes practice. We are not born with the innate ability to create a direct path toward achievement. Goal setting challenges us to focus on what we really want and then plot a path that will eventually lead us there. It’s a rare child who can clearly state what she wants to achieve when it comes to the grades on her report card. The right answer seems to be, “All A’s.” But when asked, most adolescents admit that getting straight A’s is what their parents want to hear. The reality of what shows up on the report card may be dramatically different. So how do parents and kids come together to talk about what’s realistic while still promoting a healthy level of challenge?

  The first step may be to talk about areas of challenge. Does your child’s class schedule present a grim picture of endless homework? Perhaps the sheer number of classes seems like an overwhelming responsibility. What about the after-school schedule of activities? Will the three-days-a-week practice schedule leave time for a full night of homework as well as time to talk with friends? Without the prior experience of managing multiple schedules and expectations, kids can become anxious about the host of potential unknowns. It’s vital that you help your child accurately gauge where and when challenges will occur. Begin by creating a list that focuses on two to three areas of challenge for the coming year. Ask your child for her ideas as you co-create the list. Common items for this list are having the time to finish all homework, spending time with friends, getting enough sleep, staying healthy, and fulfilling extracurricular responsibilities.

  With a clearer picture of the difficulties in mind, turn your discussion to past achievements and challenges. The elementary school years provide a good primer for what lies ahead. Even though your child may not have had the challenge of managing multiple teacher expectations, she undoubtedly studied a host of different topics that required a significant amount of homework. Do you recall how much homework time the average night included? Tracking homework hours during the elementary years will provide you and your child with a clearer idea of what to expect when the middle school homework begins to arrive. Middle school classes each typically average a minimum of thirty minutes a night of homework. A quick calculation tells you that the typical seven period schedule could easily result in three and a half hours of work each evening! Would a jump in homework time push your child past the point of being able to focus and create quality assignments? If so, you should take the opportunity to share your thoughts about the preceding years and guide your child to reduce his course load to a level that may be more in tune with his current ability. It can be difficult for a child of middle school age to find the right balance between taking on too much and near boredom.

  Creating a manageable academic schedule is one slice, albeit a significant one, of a middle schooler’s life. Extracurricular schedules and socializing with friends also account for a fair amount of time each week. Most kids at this age have difficulty learning how to manage multiple schedules and responsibilities. Throughout elementary school you may have taken responsibility for managing your child’s schedule. The transition to middle school, though, begins a new era. Your child and most of the other adults in his life will want to shift the responsibility out of your hands. As an intermediate step to giving up complete control, consider donning a coaching hat, and with it a slightly different role.

  As a coach you still assume great responsibility for teaching your child. Completing homework, managing time, and maintaining friendships all require ongoing education that you can provide. In a coaching role, however, you hand over responsibility to your child when it comes time to put his new skills into action. Guiding your child through the goal-setting process is a wonderful way to step into your new coaching role.

  By creating a realistic set of goals that focus on action-oriented objectives, you and your child can bring balance to his schedule as well as his emotional state. A child who is accustomed to focusing in short bursts of time may well struggle with looking forward toward potential goals. Start small, with goals that can be achieved in a short time period (one to two days). Your role as a coach can be integral in helping your child create and achieve a realistic set of goals leading to long-term success during the middle school years.

  Action-oriented versus outcome-based goals

  The achievement of action-oriented goals depends entirely on the effort of the person trying to achieve the goals. The achievement of outcome-based goals often depends on a host of variables, many of which are not under the direct control of the goal seeker. In the case of the outcome-based goal in the pair of examples that follow, the math teacher ultimately decides which questions appear on tests, the project requirements, and the value of nightly homework assignments, all of which determine a student’s final grade.

  Action-oriented goal: I want to improve my current grade in math.

  Outcome-based goal: I want an A in math.

  With a focus on keeping effort at the core of the goals your child creates, try the following seven-day goal-setting strategy.

  Step One: Work with your middle schooler to create an action-oriented goal that can be achieved in the next seven days. Record it on a piece of paper with the title, “My goal for the next seven days.” A seven-day period is short enough for adolescents to visualize and allows them enough time to demonstrate progress through specific actions. One example of an action-oriented goal is, “I want to improve my test grades.” But working with your child means that you ask questions and wait for answers—not the other way around.

  Step Two: Ask your middle schooler, “What is one thing you can do today that would help you to achieve your goal?” and have her record the answer on the goal-setting paper. With their focus on today, most adolescents immediately move into an action mind-set: “If I can do one thing today, I am one step closer to achieving my goal.” Put one foot in front of the other—forward movement creates momentum.

  Step Three: Follow up the previous question by asking, “What can you do tomorrow that would help you to achieve your goal?” As in the preceding steps, continue to add responses to the goal-setting paper. Focusing on tomorrow gives your child the opportunity to think about the future. Although tomorrow doesn’t seem far away to most adults, many teens don’t have a clue about what is going to happen in the next twenty-four hours. Thinking about what’s next (like completing the test study guide) automatically gives the brain a focus point. When a seed has been planted, the adolescent brain naturally begins to take action to nurture the seed’s growth. Translation: your middle schooler’s brain will take action even if his physical body does not. Keep this strategy in mind for other ideas you would like your middle schooler to consider.

  Step Four: Depending on your middle schooler’s state of mind and attitude after articulating his responses to the first three steps, you might decide to forgo this step. If your conversation is still relatively civil, then proceed with the following question: “What can you do over the next seven days [target the exact day—seven days from now could easily seem like seven weeks from now in an adolescent’s mind] that will help you to achieve your goal?” Add any new ideas to the goal-setting paper. The purpose of looking seven days into the future is to use the momentum your adolescent has generated in the first two days to propel him forward toward the successful achievement of his goal.

  Step Five: Celebrate achievement. On day seven, ask your child two questions: “What did you do this week to achieve your goal?” and “How can we celebrate?” Yes, you can make the assumption that your child’s goal was achieved. When you anticipate achievement, remarkable things happen. Your celebration doesn’t have to be anything el
aborate—just something he will enjoy.

  Through small, consistent achievements, adolescents learn how to develop a healthy sense of independence. Imagine your sense of pride when your child leaves home years from now with the confidence and ability to succeed on his own.

  Although academic achievement can easily become the focus of parental concern, your adolescent also needs a clear and consistent set of expectations for his role as a member of your family. Arguments frequently erupt over issues of curfew, computer time, phone calls, and a host of other peer-related issues. To maintain a sane environment in your home and among the members of your family, you’ll need to develop a clear set of expectations for each of the trouble spots. As you consider your stance on the issues just listed, think about the consequences you are willing to enforce should your child fail to live up to the expectations you have shared with him. Consistency in enforcing consequences is just as important as the actual expectations you choose to implement at home. Even though most adolescents wouldn’t admit to it in the moment, they want consistency; in fact, they thrive on it—particularly when it comes from their parents.

  “I wish my mom hadn’t given me so much space to try new things in junior high. I wouldn’t have liked hearing it, but I wouldn’t have gotten into so much trouble.”

  —Jackson, eighth grader, Seattle, WA

  “The elementary school years were tough, especially his last year. Chad was missing homework assignments and scoring low on tests and projects. This year was a lot different. I talked to him before the school started. We established a set of expectations for his schoolwork.”

  —Jamie, middle school mom, San Diego, CA

  With a clearer picture of how to identify and meet your child’s needs, let’s take the next step toward builder a stronger and more productive family. This begins with creating a vision of what you would like your family to be.

  The connection between vision and goals

  If creating a vision is your blueprint for success, then goal setting and achievement are the building blocks you’ll use to assemble it. Goals are the specific actions or outcomes that bring you closer to realizing your vision.

  “In school you have report cards to report your progress; in the workplace, there are many different measures of success. For both parents and adolescents, some of the most defining moments are the most basic ones. When you receive an unsolicited compliment about your child from another adult or parent—that is a defining moment. You can be challenged on the home front with your teenager, yet find out this same defiant teenager did something to stand out in a positive way. In my opinion, that’s one of the greatest rewards a parent can receive.”

  —Denise, parent of two, Agoura Hills, CA

  Envision the ideal school year

  Is academic achievement at the top of the list, or do you hope this will be the year your child breaks out of her social shell? Who will guide your child’s development? A vision defines a direction toward a goal. Realizing a vision requires support from a motivated group of individuals—a team of people who band together through adversity, inspire motivation, and acknowledge achievement.

  Take ten minutes to create a list of adjectives that describes how you envision your family in the coming year. The adjectives on your list are the foundation of your vision for the coming middle school year. Next, create a series of statements that connect the adjectives on your list with specific actions that you believe will bring your vision to life.

  For example, one of your goals may be for the family to be less stressed and more relaxed. Short day trips or mini-vacations can help everyone take a break from the usual routine; often resulting in renewed appreciation of staying connected. Relaxed families often benefit from time to do what they enjoy most. Sometimes this means giving each member the chance to engage in an activity separately. The time you each spend alone may help bring a more relaxed feeling to the time you share together.

  Define year-long goals

  Successful families work together as a team to create both short- and long-term objectives. Perhaps the time has come for a strategic planning session with your family. Check your calendar and select a time when the family can spend an hour together. Congratulations! With a date on the calendar you have taken the first step toward committing to action.

  When the time comes, open your meeting with the following question: “If our year went exactly the way we wish it would, what would we have achieved by June?” Each person should have the opportunity to respond and share ideas without interruption or debate. Record the responses on a piece of paper. Some goals may focus on academic achievement; others may have a more personal focus. The more specific and measurable these outcomes are, the easier it will be for each member of your family to follow through toward completion of his or her goals. For example, your child’s goals may look like this: “Join the club soccer team” and “Earn a B average in school.”

  Accept all ideas without judgment. When all have added their ideas, take a moment to review the list by reading each idea aloud. Allow time for any needed adjustments. Resist the temptation to edit your child’s ideas. Adolescents place great value on their ability to share ideas in a meaningful way. Making changes to what your child has said removes any authenticity or meaning from the activity and puts the decision-making power back into your hands. You can ask your child to commit to achieving a series of goals only if you freely give him the power to decide what those goals are.

  Written goals act like magnets, pulling the creators toward the manifestation of their dreams. Yet many families forgo this very important exercise, opting instead for a day-to-day approach to their year that may leave everyone frustrated and anxious. Written goals become measurable benchmarks for progress and thus are more powerful. Regularly reviewing your list of goals is like sailing with GPS navigation. If your boat veers off course, a quick glance helps you regain your bearings and progress toward your destination.

  It takes time to define a series of goals. The real work is making a daily commitment to taking action that leads to the achievement of your goals. Many great plans fail mainly because people don’t make the effort required to put the plan into action. One of the best ways to ensure that family members reach their goals is through ongoing communication that acknowledges achievement and celebrates success. Research shows that regular communication helps families stay connected during the adolescent years.

  School, sports, and a variety of other extracurricular interests challenge a family’s ability to stay connected during the school year. Before the back-to-school routine begins to take hold, think about how you would like your family to be this year. How often do all of you come together to share a meal, enjoy a weekend afternoon, or have a conversation? With a clear picture of how you would like your family to be, the path to realizing this ideal becomes clearer too.

  Anticipate rough spots

  Even the most well-devised plan will hit a few snags along the way. Anticipating the inevitable rough spots won’t entirely eliminate frustrating moments or arguments, but it will help to minimize the intensity and frequency of challenging situations. What portion of the weekend will your child’s budding social life consume? Does your family designate a specific portion of the weekend for together time? Attempt to strike a balance by sharing your plans for the impending weekend by midweek, while asking your child to do the same. Last minute invitations are inevitable for both kids and parents, but your response doesn’t need to be. If accepting a spur-of-the-moment invite puts everyone’s schedule in a bind or compromises a previously scheduled family event, consider turning down the invitation in favor of holding to your original plan.

  In addition to the frustration associated with tightly scheduled weekends, families can fall prey to periodic angst connected with open periods of time when the regular routine disappears. Holidays and the long summer break from school are two typically tense times for families.

  The break from school means a break from routine. K
ids enjoy the extra leisure time, while parents busily prepare for the holiday festivities. Many of us feel compelled to participate in everything that comes our way, automatically accepting invitations for holiday parties, parades, and gift exchanges that we later regret. The added number of activities can result in extra stress during a time when there may already be an overload of regular commitments. Before the clamor and chaos of the holiday season set in, take a moment to sit back and envision your ideal holiday experience. Can fun and family coexist during the holidays? Where does holiday shopping and entertainment fit into your vision for the coming months? With a clear vision in place of how you want your holiday season to be, you have a much better chance of realizing your vision.

  Long before the holiday season approaches, plan for a portion of your weekly check-in to include a family brainstorming session focused on the impending season of joy. Use the following activity to guide your brainstorming session. Commit to taking action on your ideas in the week that follows your initial vision planning session. Don’t let yourself fall into the trap of thinking The holidays are months away. I have more pressing things to do. Plan ahead for what you want to experience, then delight in what actually unfolds.