Class Dis-Mythed m-16

by Robert Asprin

  "See," I said, as I chewed. "Nothing to it." I swallowed hastily. "So, how was your day, Bunny?"

  "Er, fine, Skeeve. Did you see anything interesting on Sear?"

  "Not much," I admitted, 'enchanting' another piece of meat. "You've seen one arid desert landscape, you've seen them all."

  Bunny pursed her lips in a little smile. "I only like sandy terrain when it's close to the ocean. Don't you, Tolk?"

  She distracted the Terrier from his stalking of the corned beef. He was winning the contest, but just barely. "Grrrrr— Uh, yeah! I like to run in the waves. Good smells! Good smells! Yip!" He bit into a cluster of broccabbage, and it squirted butter all over his face. "It sprayed me! I must spray it back." He clambered up onto the bench, and prepared to raise his leg.

  "No!" I burst out, levitating out of my chair and pulling him down. "It's good. Really. Just calm down. Look, you almost spilled the beer. Just sit down." I patted him on the head. The vegetable lay inert where he had dropped it. "See? It didn't mean any harm. Go on."

  The canine shot several looks of distrust at the vegetables, but he returned to his seat. "Okay. You're the boss."

  The Pervects snickered to themselves and shot meaningful glances at one another. Their expressions changed as they returned their attention to the food. Pologne looked like she might faint. Jinetta wore a skeptical expression. Freezia seemed so hopeless I thought she was going to give up and leave the table.

  Bee had taken my instructions literally. After watching in astonishment that turned inevitably into horrified disgust at the attempted escape of his entree, he thwacked each bite of Pervish food firmly with the heavy end of his spoon. Then, with his eyes squeezed firmly shut, he gulped down the mouthful.

  "How are you doing, Bee?" I asked.

  "Okay, sir," he gasped out, cracking one eye. "Sometimes we got food as bad as this in mess, sir!"

  "Carry on, then."

  "Yes, sir!"

  "I saw a prediction of bad weather in the crystal ball today," Bunny said, taking a delicate forkful of food. "It's supposed to hail tomorrow in the middle of the afternoon over most of western Klah."

  "We'll work inside, then," I said. "Did you see anything else interesting?"

  Tolk gulped the rest of his meal down in five bites, then gazed over his empty bowl at everyone in turn with big, sad, puppy-dog eyes. I didn't know if he was hoping for leftovers, or he had a bellyache from eating the strange food. No question about Melvine; he was in a full-scale sulk, peering down at the squirming objects in his bowl. He had only eaten one of them. I could tell that he was trying to figure out a way to persuade me not to make him eat the others. I calmly beamed another 'bite' from the kitchen and went on with my meal. Bunny and I went on with our conversation, doing our best to include our visitors.

  "Oh, yes, I did see something fun, Skeeve! The semi-final of Sink or Swim: Imper was on the Crystal Ball Network last night," Bunny said gleefully. "Five full-grown Imps knocked on their fannies by one itty bitty female Gremlin. They were all disqualified at once. They should never underestimate girl power. Right, Freezia?" she asked, turning to the Pervect on my right.

  The medium-sized student didn't reply.

  "I'd have said, don't underestimate Gremlins," I chuckled, picking up the verbal ball and running with it. "I'm surprised she was visible for the crystal ball. Gremlins are hard to spot." I knew; I'd met a few in my time.

  Bunny broke off a crust of bread. "Oh, well, they have magicians with several crystals focused on the site at the same time," she explained. "And a master magician coordinating the images to transmit to all of us viewers. She couldn't possibly keep out of sight of all of them at once. She goes on to the final contest with two or three others. The Deveel, the Gargoyle, and I think one other. It's so exciting! I wonder how they think of all the contests they have to go through!"

  With the inevitable before them, the other students were finally letting themselves experiment. Freezia was trying out a sense-deadening spell so she didn't taste anything. She had to be careful not to bite her tongue or eat her own fingers. She bit the bowls off two spoons before she finally got the hang of eating, and was making steady if unhappy progress.

  Pologne went the other way in terms of sensory input. She did a reanimation spell on the green meat. It jumped and writhed just like a genuine Pervish meal. She seemed to get some satisfaction out of chasing down and stabbing the chunks of meat, even if they were the wrong color and wrong texture. Jinetta threw an illusion on her food so it looked like and even smelled like the real thing. Pologne was still keeping her eye on me.

  "I think Sink or Swim is kind of silly," I said. "I know crystal ball viewing is becoming more popular throughout the dimensions. I prefer seeing events in person."

  "Well, we can't all get to where things are happening, Skeeve," Bunny said. "And if we did, there's no guarantee you would get a view as good as the magicians give us. Did you ever gaze while you were at college?" Bunny asked Jinetta.

  The tallest Pervect froze. To cover her sudden discomfort, she speared some of her food. "Not much," she said shortly. She popped the wriggling mass into her mouth. "I did at home."

  "Well, what did you like?"

  "Er, nothing much." She stopped to spear a gooey pink organism that was probably a piece of corned beef in disguise.

  "How about you, Tolk?"

  "Not allowed on the couch," the doglike male said in some embarrassment. "I like to chew on the cushions, and Mama just didn't put up with it. I'm hoping to break the habit. I'm down to one throw pillow a day, but it's hard."

  "That's tough," Bee said sympathetically. "I used to bite my nails as a kid. Papa cured it by painting iodine on 'em."

  "Why would that help?" Jinetta asked. "Iodine's delicious. I like it on ice cream."

  "Finished!" Melvine announced, pushing his empty bowl away. "How about that, Teach?"

  I raised my eyebrows. The food was gone. I probed the dish with a mere thread of magikal energy, but it was really empty.

  "Hey, wow, terrific, Melvine!" Tolk cheered, always ready to offer encouragement. "Way to go!"

  "Impressive, Cupy," Pologne said grudgingly.

  "Mmm," Freezia murmured, keeping her attention fastened on what she was doing.

  "Well done, Melvine," I said, enchanting a new piece of food and impaling it on my fork. I even made it wiggle for effect.

  "Thanks, Teach," the big baby said, leaning back with his hands interlaced behind his head. "Say, that was weird. But, you know, I'm still hungry. I could go for a big bowl of mush. How about it?"

  "Maybe you oughtta eat the rest of your dinner first, Mel," Bee said unexpectedly.

  The Cupy sat up suddenly. "Huh?"

  "Well, I noticed something go whizzing by my nose a minute ago, and I'll swear it smelled like this," Bee said, holding out a stunned glob of goo. "In fact, a while before that, one of 'em landed flat in my plate."

  "Why didn't you say something, Bee?" I asked, even though I could have quoted his answer almost word for word.

  The sincere brown eyes met mine. "Soldiers in a unit don't rat on each other, sir. But one of these days Miss Bunny's probably gonna find pieces of rotting food stuck around this room. Not that they could smell much worse than they do fresh."

  "Watch it, pal," Pologne said.

  "I'm sorry, ma'am," Bee said, his cheeks reddening under their freckles. "You don't like my kind of food any more than I like yours, but a task's a task. I learned that on the farm before I learned it in the army."

  "Why, you sanctimonious little prat," Melvine said, nastily. "I ate my whole meal all up. See?" He brandished the empty dish.

  "Not by yourself, you didn't," Bee said. "I ate at least one bite of it."

  "Tattletale!"

  "Can you back up your accusation?" I asked Bee.

  The rangy youth looked uneasy. "Yessir, I think so." He concentrated hard then pointed a finger upward. Unlike his previous weak attempts to channel magikal energy, this spell, or ra
ther Dispell, packed some punch. Suddenly, we were caught in a rain of sticky globs as wriggling pieces of Pervish food fell out of the chandelier, off the ceiling, out of the gallery that ran around the upper level of the room. I brushed off a few of the crawlers, and bent the most disapproving eye I could on Melvine. The big baby cringed back into his chair.

  "You said to use our imaginations," he offered feebly.

  "I said to use your imagination to EAT the food, not hide it," I said. Using a wave of magik, I gathered up all the stray pieces and plopped them down in front of him. Melvine grimaced.

  "Aw, come on, how can anyone eat this crap?"

  "Aaggh!" Freezia cried, spitting out her mouthful of vegetables. "I tasted it! I tasted it! You—you idiot!" she shrieked at Bee, belaboring him with her spoon. "Your stupid spell took mine off, too! Ugh!" She reached for the pitcher of beer and downed it in three big gulps. She threw out her chin in defiance. "I'm done with this experiment, Skeeve. Fail me. I just can't stand it any more."

  "You didn't fail at all, Freezia," I said. "You found a good solution to the problem I set. You don't have to finish the rest. See, Melvine, you can do it without cheating."

  I put the forkful of food in my mouth.

  "So, that was it?" Jinetta asked, her eyebrows rising as enlightenment dawned. "This is what you meant by finding more than one solution to the same problem?"

  "Gah," I replied.

  The Pervect frowned. "What? Forgive me, did I miss something?"

  "Gaaa-aah," I repeated, with more conviction.

  It was my own fault. I had been so intent on my lecture that it never occurred to me that Bee's Dispell not only got rid of Melvine's enchantment, and Freezia's, and Jinetta's, but mine, too. The swap spell had been interrupted, leaving me with a genuine piece of Pervect food on my fork. Which was now in my mouth, on its way to my stomach. It tasted worse than I had ever dreamed possible, a ragout of rotting hedgehog simmered lightly in skunk urine with a soupcon of Gleep's breath. To top it off, the creature felt as if it was growing as it went down my throat.

  "Gaaa-uuuuh," I said.

  Bunny gave me a funny look. "Skeeve, are you all right?"

  "Igggaaaah," I stated a little more clearly, feeling my stomach rebel against the intruder, which seemed to have extended a pseudopod to explore my intestines. My abdomen contracted, pushing everything upward.

  "Hoogh."

  If I was lucky I might be able to run to the garbage heap outside the kitchen door before the morsel made its reappearance.

  "Sguusme."

  I sprang to my feet.

  The next thing I knew, I was lying on my back, with the flickering flames of the dangling chandelier shooting around my vision like fireworks. The pain in my stomach was terrible. I thought my innards were ready to explode. I was about to die of Pervish cooking. I shut my eyes. Not like this, I prayed. Not like this.

  "Clear!" Tolk's voice came. I opened my eyes in time to see the Canidian falling towards me, paws first. I goggled, and tried to roll away.

  "Don't move!" Bunny commanded, grabbing my head. "You got a taste of your own medicine. Tolk's fixing it."

  The canine landed on my belly with his weight on all four paws. I bent in the middle. The purple thing went flying out of my mouth. Pologne caught it neatly in one hand.

  "A perfectly good smushlik, ruined," she said mournfully. "My mother would be heartbroken."

  "Do you feel all right now?" Tolk asked, helping me to sit up.

  The truth was, I did feel better. I should have been bruised from having him leap on me, but I felt a sensation of well-being radiating from my stomach.

  "What did you do?" I asked.

  "Dogtor magik," Tolk said modestly. "I'm a healer. That's my talent."

  "That's great," I said as the others helped me to my feet. "Thank you. That food, er, just went down the wrong way."

  He peered at me. "You shouldn't eat anything else this evening. You've had enough solids," he advised. "Tea, maybe."

  "I'll make him some." Bunny bustled away to fill the kettle.

  The others were gathered around me, most of them looking worried. "Are you sure you're all right, sir?" Bee asked.

  "Yeah," Freezia added. "I hope you're not going to drop dead. I don't look forward to trying to negotiate a refund out of your business manager."

  "Thanks for your concern," I said dryly. "I'm fine. Tolk was right. I just—overate."

  "More than the rest of us did," Jinetta said.

  "It was to make a point. Did I get it across?" I asked.

  "We don't have to be led from A to B," Pologne said. "Yes, we get it. There's no one single solution to a problem."

  "That's right. You all handled it in different ways," I said. "Isn't it best to choose the most expedient and practical way of getting a job done?"

  "Hold on," Freezia said, flinging up her hands. "Maybe you were right once. I'm still not going to concede Professor Maguffin's method is wrong."

  "Nor am I," Jinetta added. Pologne nodded her agreement.

  "Okay," I sighed. "I'm not here to shoot him down. I'm just telling you what has worked for me in the real world. That's why you came here, isn't it?"

  "Well, yes," Jinetta admitted.

  "That's fine," I said. "For now, we'll agree to disagree."

  "Say, I'm hungry," Pologne announced suddenly. "Anyone up for a snack? I know where I can get the best iodine sundaes on Perv."

  Chapter Ten

  "It's gonna cost you."

  ANY SURGEON, TECH REP OR AUTO MECHANIC

  A vein popped out on Bee's forehead as he strained to concentrate.

  "Lift the feather," I ordered. "Levitation is not that hard. If I could learn to do it, anyone can."

  The next day I had decided to do something about the wide gap in expertise between the students. Melvine and the Pervects had had basic training before they finished cutting their teeth—well, before Melvine had, anyhow. I believed that the Pervects were born with all their teeth. Bee's instruction had come from his village hedge-wizard and whatever the Possiltum Army's library of scrolls had stashed in between nudie pinups and manuals on how to strip down and repair crossbows, plus what he'd picked up from Massha. I could tell, that except for his handful of homegrown spells, all his progress in magik could be attributed to the latter.

  "Good try," Bunny said encouragingly. She sat polishing her nails on a down-stuffed cushion beneath a pavilion, and offering the occasional compliment to my apprentices. Gleep and Buttercup chased one another around the inn, offering a noisy distraction that I warned them all to ignore.

  "Huh," Melvine grunted. He hovered in the trees, picking leaves off and tearing them to pieces without touching them. "What good is trying? Magik is about succeeding."

  I glared at him. "Don't show off, Melvine. Couldn't you try to help?"

  "Fine," he said. "Look, Klahd, just lift the feather. There's enough magik floating around here to raise the Titanic. Use some of it."

  "But I don't know when I'm putting enough magik into it," Bee said.

  "All right, let's add a wrinkle. We'll give you resistance to work against. It'll be good practical experience for both of you."

  "It's not practical experience," Jinetta insisted. "These are just exercises. We used to do them all the time."

  "Everything's practical. Bee, you push up on the feather. Jinetta, you push down."

  "There's nothing to that," Jinetta said.

  "Aha," I said, "but here's the catch: you can't push any harder than he does. He'll levitate it up to here," I held out a hand, "then you top it with your magik. Don't let him push it any farther. You can't let it go lower than the original level. If he lets it drop, that's his problem, but you can't push it down. See how much control you have."

  Jinetta tittered. "That ought to be easy!"

  But it wasn't, as I had reason to know. With endless power flowing into them, the girls were no more subtle than Melvine. They channeled whatever was in them. What they needed to l
earn was how to tighten the valve. The first time Jinetta pushed, the feather ended up embedded in a flagstone.

  "Oops," she said.

  "See what I mean?" I said. "Freezia, Pologne, I have an exercise for the two of you to work on while Jinetta helps Bee. I want you to work on storing up energy then releasing it—slowly!— until you get used to how much you can hold normally."

  Pologne clicked her tongue.

  "Why, when this place is full of lines of force? This is like Grand Perv Station!"

  I eyed her sternly. "Assume that at any moment they could disappear, and then what?"

  "Then Bee here wouldn't be able to lift his feather. Which he can't anyhow!"

  "Hold on, someone's coming," Freezia announced. We all paused to listen. I couldn't hear anything, which wasn't surprising. Pervect hearing was a dozen times keener than Klahdish.

  "How far away are they?"

  Pologne consulted a gold pendulum. "About a mile," she said. "You Klahds make more noise than a dragon in heat."

  "Gleep!" protested my pet. Buttercup added a nicker in defense of his friend.

  "Sorry," the Pervect said, holding out her hand to Gleep. "You would almost think that they could understand me."

  I was unwilling to reveal Gleep's secret to anyone who hadn't saved my life at least ten times. "Well, at least he knows the word 'dragon.' Drop what you're doing, people. Put on a Klahdish disguise. Something believable," I said, halting Freezia, who had promptly transformed herself into a cow.

  "Ugh!" Freezia exclaimed. "You soft-skinned are uglier than ten miles of bad road. At least that creature has an attractive pattern!"

  "Fashion later," I said. "Security now."

  Tolk came galloping back along the road. "A Klahd is coming this way!" he panted.

  A mile might have been a long way for a Klahd to cover, but I wanted plenty of time to finish my arguments with my class before whoever was racing towards us emerged from the bushes. Tolk was having trouble focusing his disguise spell, so I transformed him into a large dog—no stretch of the imagination there—and Gleep into a goat. My pet caught a glimpse of himself in the trough and gave me a look of reproach. I shrugged. If we had been in the house I might have gotten away with making him a dog, too, but he had a tendency to forget what he was doing and eat anything that appealed to him. I could get away with explaining a goat eating a cartwheel or gnawing on an anvil. Buttercup's horn was easily erased, leaving him a robustly handsome horse, not an unusual beast to find on a Klahdish homestead.