Class Dis-Mythed m-16

by Robert Asprin

  The knot of guards shuffled ahead of us as a single unit. Tananda and Bunny each held onto one arm, gauging whether or not I was going to fly off the handle. I tried to keep myself under control. I should have realized when I heard his name that he had to be more involved than just offering an analysis of the teams. He was responsible for all this! Markie toddled ahead of us, playing the part of my adorable little niece.

  "Lookie there, Uncle Aahz!" she said in her cutest voice, pointing a tiny pink finger at a Deveel in a shiny suit. "There's Mr. The Geek right now!"

  I thrust my way past more crew members, heading for that familiar face.

  The Geek huddled under a scenery overhang with a collection of production personnel. There was a clutch of magicians in robes and holding huge, multifaceted crystal balls— members of several species but one union, to judge by the insignia prominently displayed on their right sleeves—and young women of various species holding clipboards. He turned at the sound of his name. First he saw the tightly clustered knot of guards. Then, over their heads, he saw me. He did a double-take then started running away.

  "Hold it, Geek," I ordered. Releasing my hold on the guards, I threw out a loop of power, tightened it, and dragged him up and over the heads of his doorwardens. I landed him in front of me on his feet, nice and easy, but I kept a firm magikal grip on him.

  "Aahz," he choked out. "You've—you've got your powers back. How—nice?"

  "Yeah," I grunted, in my best imitation of my former mentor's voice. "And just in time to use them to right a major injustice. One YOU are causing."

  "M—mmm—mm—me? A mmm—major injustice?"

  "You. You remember Markie, don'tcha? And Tananda? And Bunny?"

  He certainly did remember Markie. She smiled sweetly up at him. In spite of the grip I had on him, the Geek tried to climb the sky.

  "Aahz," the Geek squeaked. "Old buddy! Let's make this a nice, quiet talk."

  "Let's," I said. "But first you stop that contest that's going on right now."

  "Nnn—nn—now?" the Geek stammered.

  I took a fistful of his collar and raised him over my head. It was part levitation spell and part genuine anger, but he ended up in the air, dangling from the end of my arm.

  From out of nowhere, a second contingent of the usual kind of muscle came running towards us.

  "Call them off," I said softly. "Call them all off."

  The Geek, whose complexion began to darken as soon as I picked him up, waved his hands. The security guards backed away.

  "Now, stop that contest. I insist." I shook the Deveel at every syllable.

  Tananda came over and cuddled up against my right arm.

  "Aahz, don't kill him," she said, in her most honeyed tones. "That gets so messy."

  I shook the Geek again, who was doing a fair amount of vibrating all by himself. "Why not?" I growled.

  "Well, if you do, they'll have to find another odds-maker."

  "So what?" I asked. "This one's broken. They need a new one."

  "Aahz, Aahz, buddy," the Geek pleaded. "What is it you want?"

  "I've been watching this contest from K—from the Bazaar, and it just looks to me like you're shifting the odds to suit yourself.

  "What do you care?" the Geek countered. "It's not like you've met any of these kids before." Enlightenment dawned on his peaky face. "You must have money riding on it. Put me down and let's talk insurance bets, Aahz. I promise you won't lose a single silver piece. How about it?"

  "I don't have money riding on this," I snarled. I wasn't imitating Aahz; the fury emanated straight from me. "I wouldn't bet on anything you had a hand in."

  "Er, I can see you might be a little reluctant—Could you put me down? I think people are starting to notice." He pointed over my shoulder.

  I glanced back. Several Sittacomedians and a few Trolls wearing SOS insignia had started to move in on us. I flung back a hand, and the security staff went flying.

  "Call off ALL of your security. And stop that contest! Now."

  "I'll stop it, I'll stop it!" the Geek exclaimed. "Just put me down!"

  I lowered him to the floor. "Do it."

  The Geek gestured to another young female Deveel in a short, tight skirt. She scurried over, brandishing a pencil and a clipboard.

  "Take this one down. Dip the lights. Go to commercial," the Geek ordered.

  The young woman spoke into her collar.

  Immediately, several flunkies in matte black clothing ran around to do her bidding. Sergeant Pep-up's men suddenly sprang to attention and jogged off the field, leaving their opponents looking confused. Teammates picked one another up from the floor, and limped to the side where white-coated Pervish medics waited with stretchers and little black bags to have their injuries seen to. The monsters all went back to the sidelines. Some of them paused to have makeup daubed onto their faces by Pervects in white smocks carrying palettes and brushes. The spider lowered herself to the ground, where her palps were shined by a couple of Deveels with buffing brushes. Tolk hovered around his fellow teammates, dispensing dogtor magik and sympathetic whines.

  Schlein's resonant voice echoed over the darkened arena.

  "And now, folks, a word from our sponsor, Caca Doodle Doo, the leading manufacturer on Perv of Realistic Doggie Doodle with Lifelike Odor that Sticks to Your Hands, a product of Edvik Enterprises…"

  I didn't have time to remark upon the coincidence. I had more important things on my mind.

  "Are you in charge of this entire enterprise?" I asked.

  "Not so loud!" the Geek pleaded. "Come into my office." He urged me towards his bubble. I raised an eyebrow at the ladies. Tananda and Markie melted away into the crowd. Bunny attached herself to my elbow and accompanied me in.

  I waited until the side sealed up, leaving us alone in the soundproofed sphere.

  "Now," the Geek said, sitting down at his desk with his hands folded together on top. "What is troubling you, my friend?"

  "It's very simple," I said. "I want you to halt this contest right now. It's off-balance, and people are going to get hurt!"

  "I can't do that, old friend," the Geek said, regret written large on his ruddy face. "Danger is the name of the game. It spikes those ratings right through the roof. The sponsors love it."

  "I'm going to spike YOU right through the roof," I growled. "Let me put it this way: I can handle the concept of danger. Sometimes it's fun, but only where there's a chance that I can win in the end—I prefer a good chance, but I'll take what I can get. But I have been observing this contest today, and I have seen good evidence that you are skewing the games to make sure certain teams are eliminated. That's bad, considering that your contestants come into this with the understanding that they have to play fair. That means they are expecting you to play fair, too. Right?"

  "Er, I'm not really admitting anything, Aahz," the Geek said nervously. "You're not, not recording this, are you?"

  I planted a hand on my chest. "Would I be as underhanded as you?"

  "Frankly, yes," the Geek said. "I've known you for centuries, Aahz. You're doing some fine talking about fair play, but you haven't always been completely honest in your dealings."

  "On Deva!" I bellowed. "On Deva, anything is fair if you can get away with it. If you want to play it by those rules, I can do that. You didn't get away with it. I saw you. These fine ladies saw you."

  "A Trollop," the Geek scoffed. "A Klahd and a Cupy."

  My voice dropped again. "You know who they are. And, I might point out, that the Klahd you are making fun of is a close relation to a very powerful man with important connections in the Bazaar and elsewhere. So, show some—respect."

  I shoved him back in his chair with a thrust of magik, just to remind him I had it. "Now, I can go public with what I saw, and get your sponsors to yank their backing, or maybe you'll just have to stop interfering and tilting the odds the way you want them. I assume you have heavy bets standing on certain teams, and it would look very bad if those bets became p
ublic knowledge."

  "I can fix everything!" the Geek said. My fist came up under his nose. He blanched to pink. "I mean, I won't fix it, I'll unfix it! I mean."

  "You mean you're gonna make this a fair contest, don't you?" I asked, going from gravel-voiced to sweetness in mid-sentence.

  "Yes! Yes! That's what I mean! It'll be even, I swear it! From now until the end, when the winner is declared, I swear, there won't be a single deliberate irregularity. Aahz, this is gonna cost me a lot of money. Can I count on you to keep it quiet, if I do what you want? Please?"

  "All right," I said. I dropped him. The Geek scrambled up and beckoned to a third fetching Deveel in a very short skirt. She dashed into the bubble and put her pencil to her clipboard.

  "Honey, here's what I want you to do…" He reeled off a long list of instructions. She scribbled notes. I folded my arms as I had seen Aahz do so many times, and glared at the Geek to make sure he didn't back out on any part of his promise. "Oh, and get the lottery box, Honey. Bring it up here. I've got to—take a look at it."

  Honey gave us a toothy smile and vanished.

  "Is that all right, Aahz?" the Geek asked, wringing his hands together. "Is everything okay now?"

  "Sure it is," I said. The Geek relaxed and headed for his chair. Before he could sit down I beckoned with a finger, and the chair came rolling over to me. I sat down in it and leaned back with my arms behind my head.

  "What are you doing?" he asked, aghast.

  "Sticking around," I said. "I just want to make sure that you keep your promises. I'll leave once this contest is over— no matter who wins. It'll be a nice surprise for both of us."

  "Yes, it will," he said weakly. He gestured to a stagehand to bring him a chair for him and one for Bunny. I admit it was rude of me to take a seat and not offer it to her, but I had to make the point that I was in control. I glanced up at her to see if she was angry, but she wore a very pleased grin.

  The Geek noticed the expressions pass between us and gulped loudly. "Er, may I offer you a drink? Miss Bunny?"

  Music played to amuse the audience while the stage was blacked out. The Geek lowered his bubble down to the Arena floor to issue a few orders in person. Bunny sat drinking her Pink Wyvern cocktail with a ladylike little finger stuck out while I stumped up and back in the Geek's little office, trying to look as much like Aahz as possible. I spotted the Sorcerer's Apprentices a few yards from us then hastily glanced away. I knew they couldn't possibly recognize me in this disguise, but I was afraid one of my mannerisms might give me away.

  Unfortunately, they had spotted us, too. Jinetta touched her sorority sisters' shoulders and pointed in our direction. The three of them came marching over.

  "Hi, Bunny," they said.

  "Hi, girls! I can't believe how well you're doing," Bunny said. "I didn't know you were going to be in this contest."

  "Well," Freezia began, "we didn't want to say anything in case someone overheard us. Teams have been sabotaged in the past before they got to the contest. Skeeve isn't mad, is he?"

  "Oh, no!" Bunny assured them, giving them a big hug. "He's very proud of you."

  They all smiled with relief.

  "Good," Jinetta breathed. "We all have a great deal of respect for him. We will always think of him as our real teacher."

  I felt myself tearing up a little bit. I reached into my belt pouch for a handkerchief and blew my nose loudly to conceal dabbing at my eyes. That brought Jinetta's attention to me.

  "Aahz. Are you connected with this game somehow?"

  "N—no, I'm not," I said. "I'm just here to observe fair play."

  "I see," she said. "Will you be here later? I want to talk with you when this is all over."

  "Sure," I said. I didn't plan to be around to have my disguise penetrated, so I felt free to promise almost anything. She stalked back to the others. I could tell they were talking about us.

  Bunny noticed. "You could eavesdrop," she reminded me.

  "Somehow," I said, "I am not sure I really want to hear what they're saying."

  The bustling ended, and the Geek returned to join us in the office.

  "Up," he ordered it. Obediently, the silver bubble rose high over the great bowl.

  Schlein appeared in the middle of the stage and held up a graceful hand.

  "Let the brawl recommenced

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  "My compliments to the chef."

  S. TODD (THE BARBER)

  "Well, we were sorry to say farewell to the Bald Guy with Muscles," Schlein confided to the audience at the start of the game the next day.

  "Awwwww," the audience chorused.

  I could see now that they were prompted on what to say by a gigantic cluster of fireflies that zipped around out of view of the crystal balls and spelled out words. At the moment they said, "Disappointment!"

  "Yes, sir," Schlein continued, "it was a close one, but the Wheel of Misfortune stops where it will, when it will! And on this last day of Sink or Swim: Perv, we rejoin our celebrated odds-maker, the Geek, for his take on today's contests! Ladies and gentlemen, the Geek!"

  The fireflies spelled out "You love him!" and the audience went wild.

  Schlein appeared in the bubble. Dozens of magicians in robes appeared around it, all pointing their crystal balls at us. Bunny, wearing a very tight peach-colored dress that squeezed her natural attributes both up and down, perched on a stool next to the Geek's odds board, and twiddled her fingers at the handsome Sittacomedian. I stood near the wall with my arms crossed. Somewhere below, Tananda and Markie were keeping an eye on my students. One way or another, the Sorcerers Apprentices would be safe.

  "And we have guests today!" Schlein announced, never missing a beat. "Who are these fine people, Geek?"

  "Well, this lovely lady is Bunny," the Geek explained, nervously. "She's going to be pointing at numbers for me today. Show 'em a two, Bunny."

  Beaming, Bunny obligingly stood up and indicated the nearest number two.

  "Well done, lovely lady!" Schlein exclaimed. "And this gentleman?"

  "He's a well-known businessman and magician who has interests in the Bazaar on Deva, but as you can see, he's a native of this wonderful dimension where we are having our game here today. His name's Aahz—"

  "—Mandius," I finished, holding out a hand to shake with Schlein. "Aahzmandius is the name."

  I squeezed hard so he wouldn't think about the lack of scales on my skin. He withdrew, shaking his fingers to restore circulation.

  "Pleased to meet you," Schlein said. "Well, now, Geek, let's hear today's odds, ably assisted," he confided to the magicians hovering outside the sphere, "by the beautiful Bunny."

  The Geek went into his talk. "Of course you know that Sharkbait took it in the teeth last night, and went out during the brawl. Not one single fishie was able to get to the haven before time was called. That leaves the Shock Jahks at eleven to one. The Gargoyle Girls moved up the list with an excellent showing, with only one of their teammates still out on the floor at the whistle. The Sorcerer's Apprentices are four to one. They suffered a setback when Tolk the Canidian lost all his teeth dragging that Gargoyle around the floor. They've been replaced in his jaw by our dentists, but he's a sore pup this morning. The Dragonettes are still at three to one, and the All-Pervects continue to be my favorites for the championship."

  Bunny pointed to the relevant details. I caught her frowning at the second-to-last line, but she switched on the brilliant smile again in time to be captured from several angles by the magicians covering the interview.

  "Do you hear that, folks?" Schlein asked, beaming for the crystals. "And we move along to the next in our eating contests. You've seen quantity eating in one of our earlier episodes. Now, we challenge the contestants to eat quality—or lack thereof. We've got five colored feathers to see who will take one in the guts for the team. Are you ready?"

  While he had been talking, the globe drifted down so that we were once again in the midst of the contestants.r />
  "Yeah!" the teams shouted. Tolk, a bandage wound around his jaws, leaped up and down. The dragon, under tight control by one of the Trolls on its team, bobbed its head.

  Schlein stepped out of the bubble and pointed heavenward. "Here come the Feathers of Fate!"

  Drifting lazily on the stray breezes that whisked around the huge stone bowl, the five feathers dropped toward each team. I watched them for a moment, and noticed a telltale jerk or two. The feathers were being guided by some unseen hand.

  "Geek," I growled.

  The Deveel turned to me apologetically. "Aahz, we've got to balance the rounds. What if we have the dragon up against the Cupy? It's no contest! The audience will hate it. I swear, there won't be anything in the food but food."

  I had to settle for the compromise. At least it wasn't putting my students at a disadvantage. "All right."

  Schlein was on the spot to announce the unlucky diners. "And the Feather of Fate has chosen—Grunt, for the Dragonettes!"

  A hefty Troll with dark purple fur came forward, waving to the audience with both hands.

  "He'll be joined by Meghan of the Shock Jahks. Here comes the red feather—Nita for the Gargoyle Girls! For the All-Pervects, Crasmer. And Bee, for the Sorcerer's Apprentices! Come on and sit down at the table, folks!"

  "This one's for all the cookies, folks," Schlein announced. "Oops, sorry, kids, I shouldn't mention cookies. You don't want to think about cookies or anything you can toss. Here come our chefs! Now, remember the rules. This one's not for penalty points. You have to eat what's in the bowl AND finish it. No dinner, no dessert! The survivors—I mean, the winners—of this round go on to our final challenge, the Monster Monster Challenge, which will determine who will Sink or Swim!"

  "Now, the servers have been blindfolded," Schlein continued smoothly as five white-coated Deveels carrying trays felt their way blindly into the room. "They don't know who they're giving each dish to. You've got to pray it's something you can stomach. If you don't hold it down through the end of the round, you lose, and your team goes home. No consolation prizes—but we will give you something for your tummy. Ready?"