Class Dis-Mythed m-16

by Robert Asprin

"Oh," I said in a small voice.

  "Ready—play!"

  Spotlights chased around the floor, and sweeping orchestral music boomed up.

  "One two three!" the Sorcerer's Apprentices chanted. Pinpoint spots lit their hands individually. Two were holding paper. Three of the others were holding rocks. One had a scissors. Images of parchment scrolls, glittering gemstones, and one pair of gleaming shears overlay the students' hands. The shears attacked one scroll. The remaining parchment covered one gem. The other two gems moved to smash the scissors.

  "Tolk, out! Freezia, out! Bee, out!"

  BOOM boom boom, came from the drums.

  "Three at once," the Geek crowed. "This is great."

  I groaned with disappointment for the three students who walked, shoulders hunched, away into the darkness. The music struck up again, more tense than before. The Geek was right: it was thrilling.

  The remaining three—Pologne, Jinetta and Melvine—eyed one another suspiciously. Melvine tried to fake out the others.

  "One two—not ready," he said, drawing his hand back.

  "Stop that!" Pologne snapped.

  "We will go on three," Jinetta said firmly. "No hesitation. Ready?"

  "Oh, all right," Melvine said sulkily.

  "One two three!"

  "Paper!" Schlein announced. "Identical choices!" Three rolls of parchment hovered in between the group.

  "One two three!"

  "Scissors!" Three pairs of scissors.

  "Paper!" Three scrolls.

  "This is remarkable," Bunny said. "The odds of all of them choosing the same item three times running is—"

  "Nine hundred seventy-two to one," the Geek said, rubbing his hands together. "Hold on, I've got to get some action going on this."

  He leaned over one of the crystal balls on his desk and started talking to the Deveel who popped up in it. I ignored the complicated negotiations as I watched my students eying one another.

  "Rock!" Three gemstones twirled and threw colored lights on their faces.

  "Paper!"

  "Paper!"

  "Scissors!"

  "Incredible," Tananda said. "How long can they go on like that?"

  "I want to assure you, ladies and gentlemen," the smooth voice of Schlein said, "that there is no collusion between these three individuals. What you are seeing here is unique in the history of Sink or Swim."

  "Paper!"

  "Rock!"

  But even phenomena had to end sooner or later. Pologne stuck her hand out with two fingers parted.

  "Scissors!" she cried.

  "Rock!" chorused Melvine and Jinetta.

  "Ooooh," said the audience.

  The music rose chillingly. Pologne stared at her hand with an expression of utter betrayal just before the spotlight cut off, leaving her in darkness.

  Melvine hunched over and faced Jinetta. "Just you and me now, doll," he said.

  "Go," Jinetta said. "One two three."

  "Rock!" Once again, they chose the same item. The audience was cheering wildly. The fireflies were drawing hearts, flowers and fireworks.

  "Paper!"

  "Scissors!"

  "Scissors!"

  "Rock!" Melvine shouted, shoving a fist into the light.

  "Sciss—"Jinetta realized even before she finished the word that she had chosen a loser. "Scissors."

  The orchestra rose into a triumphant fanfare. Schlein rushed over to grab Melvine around the shoulders.

  "Congratulations, Melvine! You are the winner of Sink or Swim: Perv!"

  "Me?" he asked, in a voice that rose to a squeak.

  He looked dazed.

  "Snap out of it, kid," Schlein hissed at him.

  Melvine looked up at him in astonishment. Schlein beamed.

  "Come on over here, Cupy. You're setting out on a whole new life. Tell all of us how you feel!"

  For the first time since I had met him, the Cupy guy was lost for words.

  "Well, sir, I promise I will do my best, uh, especially if I have my friends around me."

  He glanced over at the team as the lights came up on the rest of the Sorcerer's Apprentices. Pologne and Freezia were sulking a little, but offered sickly smiles when the spotlights hit them.

  "I'm sure you will," Schlein said.

  Suddenly the two of them were surrounded by magicians wielding crystal balls to catch every angle.

  "And, now, I want to bring out the woman who is the unseen presence behind Sink or Swim. Will you welcome the elusive, the marvelous, the very rich Mistress Montestruc!"

  A narrow way opened to admit a tall and formidable-looking woman with thick auburn hair.

  "Congratulations, Melvine," she said, patting him on the head. "You are a very interesting person. I have been watching you since the contest began. Your audacity and confidence interest me. I don't like yes-men, and I don't like people who can't think for themselves. Therefore, I am giving you an assignment that will be a challenge. I'm making you the Chief Executive Officer of one of my favorite business enterprises, Brandex!"

  I joined the audience in a general gasp. Who hadn't heard of Brandex? It manufactured a little of everything you could find in almost every store in every dimension I'd ever been. Most small magikal goods probably had "Brandex" imprinted somewhere. They weren't necessarily the top of the line, but they were fairly sound and usually cheap to buy.

  "I'm putting you into a position of authority with full hiring and firing power. You'll have some tough decisions to make. You're expected to make a profit, of course. What do you say?"

  "Can I hire my own executive staff?" Melvine asked at once.

  The great lady laughed, and the audience joined in, urged by Schlein and the fireflies.

  "Of course," she said. "Why do you ask?"

  Melvine looked uncharacteristically modest. "Well, maybe you didn't notice, but I'm not the natural leader of my team. Jinetta is. I only won by a stroke of luck. I'm not the best researcher like Pologne, or the best magician in the group like Freezia. I'll never be as courageous or organized as Bee or as compassionate as Tolk. In fact, if you rolled them together, you'd have a much better CEO than you'd get out of me. That's the truth. I want them on my team. I'd never have gotten here if not for all of them. If I can't have them," his face screwed up as if he was about to start crying, "I don't want the job."

  "Of course you may hire them," Mistress Montestruc said. "I will be pleased to have such talented people on my payroll."

  Melvine sighed, and his shoulders slumped. "That's a relief."

  The shoulders, and his head, continued to drop downward.

  "What is happening to him?" the lady cried. "He is shrinking!"

  Markie burst through the crowd to hug her nephew.

  "You did it!" She hugged him. "You must have broken the mental block that was keeping you a big baby. You're normal size again!"

  Melvine looked down at himself. He stood about two and a half feet tall, much more in proportion to his looks than he had at four feet. His new, tiny body swam in the jumpsuit.

  "Yeah!" he cheered, jumping up to punch the sky. "I'm the Cupy! I'm the Cupy!"

  Reporters crowded in to interview the winner. Melvine floated up to hover over their heads in the oversized garment, cracking jokes and generally basking in the attention. Markie stayed nearby to keep an eye on him.

  The magicians stepped back to view the Geek as he came over to shake hands with the All-Pervects. We followed him out onto the arena floor.

  "Sorry you didn't manage to achieve a victory on home soil," he told them. His face was full of genuine regret. I was willing to bet it was for the lost bets, not the disappointed Pervects. "But you know, there's only one prize on Sink or Swim. Thanks for playing."

  "Yeah, thanks a lot," Crasmer said shortly. "Come on, guys. Let's go get drunk."

  "Yeah."

  "And there they go, your home team!" Schlein announced, as a spotlight hit them.

  Not bothering to turn around to acknowledge the cheers and app
lause, the, All-Pervects stamped off the stage.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  "I think it's time to leave."

  LOUIS XIV

  The Sorcerer's Apprentices came over to where Bunny, Markie, Tananda and I stood. Jinetta stood on tiptoe to give me a big kiss on the cheek.

  "Gosh, thanks for everything, Mr. Aahz. You're fantastic. And your partner is the best. I wish we could tell him how grateful we are" she added.

  "Uh-huh." I couldn't miss the meaning. "I, uh, I see that Tolk told you."

  Jinetta grinned down at the Canidian, who was leaning against my leg. "He did. We all hope you aren't upset that we didn't tell you why we needed your help."

  "Not any longer. I have to admit, when I found out you had come here, I was a little upset that you didn't tell me about the contest."

  "Well, with all the ordeals you were putting us through, we all thought you knew," Jinetta said, surprised. "I thought you were totally savvy. Was it all by accident?"

  "Er—yes," I admitted, a little unhappily. "I didn't connect the time frame with the beginning of the new SOS contest. I just thought you really wanted some practical experience before you went into the business world. Using ideas I scooped from some of the Crystal Ether network was pure coincidence."

  Jinetta and the others looked more admiring than ever.

  "It takes a big soul to admit that," she said. "You could have lied and told us you did know. I like your honesty. No wonder Aunt Vergetta thinks you're the spink's left nostril. Wait until I tell her! You're a terrific teacher, Skeeve." She crushed me in an enormous hug. The others followed suit, leaving me gasping.

  "Gee, that's really nice of you," I said, embarrassed.

  "How come you didn't tell us you were coming?" Tolk asked.

  "I didn't want to interfere with your style. If you knew I was here, you might not have relied on your own skills to get through."

  "And he's been tossed off Perv," Melvine put in, returning from his interview. He was still floating on air. "He's not supposed to be here at all. That's what the disguise is for." He smiled down at me sweetly.

  "How much more did you hear while eavesdropping?" I demanded.

  "Enough," Melvine said with satisfaction. "No good blackmail stuff, though. Hey, watch who you're talking to! I'm the new CEO of Brandex Enterprises. These are my executive vice presidents in charge of—the things they're good at." He waved a vague hand. "Do you want a job? I'd be honored to have you. Mistress Montestruc's giving me a humongous budget to find talent."

  "No, thanks," I said. "I've still got a lot of—research to do."

  "Too bad. We're gonna do big things!"

  "I'm happy to do little things for the moment," I said. "I think I can be content with having launched a whole new generation of magicians on their way, and I'm glad to have gotten through this without having been detected."

  "Hear, hear," Bunny agreed.

  "Listen," Melvine said, confidentially. "I've gotta apologize. I took the money out of your strongbox and put it in Jinetta's briefcase. I thought if I could get the three little maids from school disqualified as pros I'd have a better chance of winning." He made a face. "Who knew I'd need them all so I could win?"

  "Teamwork pays off every time," I said. "You know that now. But who set off Massha's ring?"

  "That was me," Tolk said, in a very small voice. "Sorry sorry sorry. It was a joke, just like you said. Then I couldn't turn it off. I'm a doctor, not a munitions expert! Forgive me? The others have."

  "You bet," I said, ruffling his ears. "I'm proud of all of you."

  Bee blushed. The Pervects giggled. "Thank you, Skeeve!"

  "Aahz! Aahzmandius!" a voice boomed out.

  I turned in the direction of the voice. It was familiar, but I couldn't place it. Then I saw her.

  Waddling towards me, dressed in what could have been the same faded, tentlike house dress she had been wearing when I visited her a couple of years back, was Aahz's mother, the Duchess. The elderly Pervect glared through her little glasses.

  "Where is he? My little boy! My ungrateful son! Holding back on his mother's millions! No, he thinks that I can get by on air! And there he is!"

  Suddenly, I found myself under a spotlight. All the magicians who had been interviewing the Geek turned to cover me. I saw my face multiplied a thousand times, each image wearing the same gudgeonlike expression of horrified astonishment.

  "He comes to play in this fancy game, but he doesn't come to see his own mother! Just when I'm waiting to make another investment. I can't wait for the capital, you stingy boy! What will the neighbors think? There you are!"

  "Duchess," I said, weakly, backing away from her. My escape was blocked by the dozens of people crowding in to see what all the shouting was about. "How nice to see you."

  "My son!" She threw herself at me. "You've lost weight!"

  No one, especially not a dozen, multi-focus crystal balls could possibly have missed when her arms sank right through the meaty sides of "Aahz" and wrapped around my much slimmer body.

  "It's a disguise spell!" someone shouted.

  The Geek went wide-eyed. "If you're not Aahz, there's only one other person who knows everything he does—Skeeve!"

  "Skeeve!"

  The guards on the side of the stage looked at one another, and started heading in my direction. I fought loose from the Duchess's embrace. I had to make a quick getaway. I concentrated on my comfortable little study on Klah, and squeezed my eyes shut.

  "Not so fast, buddy," a harsh voice said.

  I opened my eyes. No BAMF. My transportation spell had not worked. The arena guards had been supplemented by the Perv police force. I stopped counting after the first twenty uniformed officer. The most decorated, whom I assumed had been the one who spoke, held up a short silver wand.

  "Trying to escape," he said, one eyebrow raised. "Just what we'd have thought from someone with your record."

  "Isn't that the Great Skeeve?" one of the magicians asked.

  "Yeah! Get a good angle. We can get this on the evening news!"

  "Just a minute, sergeant," Jinetta said, stepping in between us. "What's the problem here?"

  "This Klahd has been exiled from Perv, lady," the officer said. "Having broken the terms of his parole, he's going to spend a couple of years in jail thinking about why he ever bothered to come back."

  "Sir, I believe you might be mistaken," Pologne said, adding her slight frame to help shield me from view. "This is a game show. There have been a lot of illusions employed during the course of this contest. Why would you think this is the real Skeeve? This is a Klahdish wizard Mr. Geek hired to impersonate him. He's one of the monsters for the Monster Monster Challenge. Wouldn't you be afraid to face a wizard of his caliber?"

  "Frankly, no," the sergeant said, looking me up and down. "He looks like the real thing to me."

  "A lot of Klahds look alike," Freezia said. "Are you sure it's really him? It could be that one over there?"

  Bee caught the hint and promptly Datspelled himself into a duplicate of me.

  "Or one of those two over here?"

  Pologne and Jinetta became Skeeves and started moving around me. I took one step back and to the right. Tananda grinned and nodded toward the half dozen people on my left, now all wearing my face.

  "Stop that!" the officer barked. "This isn't funny, lady. All of you back away from the perpetrator."

  "Which one do you mean?" Jinetta asked, innocently.

  "I'll show you which one." The officer pointed the wand at us. Just then, Tolk gathered himself and leaped into the air, grabbing the wand out of his hand. He galloped about ten feet away and lowered his forequarters, wagging his tail with glee.

  "Come here, Canidian. Give me that!"

  "Come and get it!" Tolk shouted. "Let's play keepaway!" He dashed away into the darkness, pursued by ten policemen and two magicians with crystal balls. I backed into the crowd with the other Skeeve-faces. Something hit me on the shoulder. It was Melvine.
>
  "Go on," he whispered in my ear. "Get out of here while the going's good! See you around! I owe you. We all do."

  I didn't hesitate a second.

  BAMF!

  Safely back in the inn on Klah, I threw myself into my easy chair. Tananda slid into the cushioned recess with me. There wasn't really room for both of us, but I didn't mind. Markie served us all a glass of wine. I took a grateful sip and let out a long breath.

  Bunny opened Bytina and reestablished the connection to the thread of ether displaying the Sink or Swim arena. There was no sign of the police or any other disturbance. Melvine was in the center of the stage wearing a gold medal and waving to the people as the rest of my students stood behind him and smiled. The Geek came out and gave Mistress Montestruc a huge bouquet of flowers. Names and titles appeared over the faces, and the orchestra struck up once again with farewell music. Schlein's voice boomed out.

  "This has been a Deveelishly Handsome Production."

  "You did a good job," Bunny said, snapping Bytina shut, "If you weren't sure before that they are going to be all right, you should be now."

  I dropped my eyes modestly. "I have to admit, I think I did all right for my first big teaching job."

  "Your first?" Tananda asked. "You're going to do it again?"

  "No!" I protested. "I mean—that's not what I mean—well, maybe," I added wistfully. "It was kind of fun. And I'd know more of what to do and what not to do in the future."

  "That reminds me," Bunny said, tapping her toe impatiently on the floor. "What are you going to do about getting a piece of the fees Aahz collected from YOUR apprentices."

  All three women looked at me expectantly.

  Sheepishly, I took a sip from my glass. "That's one of the things I haven't really learned how to do yet."

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  Document creation date: 02.06.2008

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