Rejoice

by Karen Kingsbury

  “We’ve heard a lot about you.” One of the women smiled at her. “You helped Reagan and Luke find their way back together.”

  The conversation continued and when it slowed, Ashley caught a glimpse of Landon off her right shoulder. She turned left and practically bumped into Brooke and Kari and Erin. The sisters talked about highlights from the wedding, how their father had walked Reagan down the aisle with the same kind of pride Reagan’s father would have if he’d been alive.

  After half an hour, Reagan’s mother took the microphone from a podium at the front of the room and asked people to find a table. “Dinner will be served in a few minutes, and then we’ll dance.”

  People made their way to the round tables, and Ashley scanned the room. She hadn’t seen Cole in several minutes, but suddenly she heard his voice, high and animated. Her eyes followed the sound, and sure enough, he was kneeling in the chair next to Landon, his arms wrapped around Landon’s neck.

  Ashley drew a long breath and headed toward them.

  “Mom!” Cole called out to her long before she reached the table. “Look who’s here!”

  She hadn’t told him Landon might attend the wedding. With the distance between them lately, Ashley hadn’t been sure he would come. “Yes, buddy.” She met Landon’s eyes and tried to hide her feelings with a smile. “Isn’t that great?”

  “It’s the best news ever!” He slid onto his bottom and reached for Landon’s hand. “Come on, Mom. Sit down.”

  Ashley wanted to sit next to Landon, but instead she took the chair on the other side of Cole. Every few seconds she reminded herself of the truth. Nothing could come from letting her heart loose on a night like this. She turned her attention to Landon. Her tone was light as she smiled at him. “We keep meeting up at weddings.”

  “Yes.” Landon’s grin was slow and easy. Not the desperate look he’d had earlier during the ceremony. “Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?”

  Cole was watching them, listening, his head turning from Landon to Ashley and back again. He tugged on Landon’s sleeve. “Hayley’s here.”

  Something softened in Landon’s eyes. “I know, pal. She looks good.”

  “That’s what I think.” Cole lowered his voice as if he wanted to add something private. “But Maddie says she’s different.” His tone grew loud again. “She can’t swim anymore.”

  “Maybe one day.” Landon gave Cole a sideways hug and kissed the top of his head.

  “Yeah, maybe.”

  Dinner arrived then, and they ate amidst small talk and reflections of the wedding. Through every minute of it, Ashley had to remind herself to stay seated, to not get up and move closer to Landon, where she would finally be close enough to smell him, to breathe in the reality of his presence.

  When the meal was over, Reagan’s mother used the microphone again and invited them to gather around the cake table.

  Cole was on his feet instantly. “Can I go, Mom? Please? Maddie’s up there.”

  Landon brought his face down alongside Cole’s and batted his eyelashes at Ashley. “Yeah, Mom, Maddie’s up there.”

  “Fine.” She was laughing before she could stop herself, before she could remind her heart not to reengage, at least not beyond a surface level. “Go get a good spot.”

  Cole was gone before she finished her sentence, and Ashley raised a single eyebrow at Landon. “Aren’t you going to join him?”

  Until then Landon had been trying to match the easy banter she’d established when she sat down. But now he met her eyes and held them. “I don’t want cake, Ash.”

  “Oh.” Her heart rate doubled. “Okay.”

  He pointed to the empty chair between them. “Think Cole would mind if I took his chair?”

  “Actually . . .” She glanced at Cole, lost in the crowd of people ready to watch Luke and Reagan cut their cake. “I think he’ll be a while.”

  Landon smiled and in one fluid motion he slid into the chair beside her. The attention of the wedding guests was completely focused on the cake table, so both of them turned their attention toward the newlyweds. As they did, Landon’s arm brushed against hers and stayed that way. She was wearing a sleeveless black dress, one with long, elegant lines and a skirt that fell just above her ankles. Even through his suit jacket she could feel his warmth against her bare arm.

  “You look amazing, Ash.” He kept his gaze straight ahead, but his voice was different, the pretense stripped away.

  For a moment she held her breath, searching for a way to keep things simple. But the idea was as unrealistic as asking herself not to breathe. “You, too.”

  The big moment had arrived, and together Luke and Reagan eased a white-handled knife into a cake covered with baby roses.

  Landon eased a bit closer. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

  “No.” They both still faced forward, pretending to be caught up in the wedding-cake drama. “I had people to visit.”

  “Oh.” A slow chuckle sounded from deep in his chest. “Okay.”

  This time she turned her head and met his eyes. “What?”

  “Come on, Ash. I know what you’re doing, and can I tell you something?”

  Her heart pounded in her throat, but she said nothing, waiting for him to continue.

  “You don’t have to worry, Ashley. We’ve already made our choices about the future. But tonight . . .”

  His eyes held hers and she felt every bit of her resistance falling away.

  “Tonight let’s not pretend we don’t care, okay? That’s too much work.” The corners of his mouth lifted and a sparkle lit his eyes. “Especially on Christmas Eve.”

  In the background, the cake-cutting moment had passed. The deejay switched the music to something slower and called Luke and Reagan to the dance floor. Ashley and Landon watched the wedding couple dance, but Ashley could think only of Landon’s last words: “Let’s not pretend we don’t care, okay?”

  When the song ended, the deejay played another slow song and invited the guests to join Luke and Reagan on the dance floor. Landon stood and held his hand out to her. “Come on, Ash. Dance with me . . . please.”

  Ashley looked at him and felt herself getting lost. And in that moment, she knew it was too late. It was Christmas Eve, her brother’s wedding reception. No matter how hard she worked at it, she couldn’t pretend she didn’t love Landon. She didn’t want to pretend. Not for one minute more.

  “On one condition.”

  Landon eased his fingers around hers, working his thumb along the back of her hand. “Anything.”

  “We can’t talk about tomorrow.”

  In all the years they’d known each other, Ashley had only slow-danced with Landon one other time—at Kari and Ryan’s wedding. And then only for one song, since they’d been too busy talking to spend time on the dance floor. But now he led her to a spot several feet from the deejay and turned to face her. For a moment they froze and she would’ve given anything to undo the facts so she could enjoy the dance.

  He put one hand around her waist and took her fingers with his other hand. He swayed slowly, more intent on her than the music. For a minute they did nothing more than move subtly across the floor and stare at each other, searching for scraps of yesterday.

  Toward the end of the song, Landon slowed to a near stop. “Okay . . . you know it’s coming.”

  “What?” She had her other hand around his waist, and she drew an inch closer so she could hear him above the music. Her emotions were as varied as the Manhattan skyline.

  “The question.” He gave her a lazy grin, the one she’d seen a hundred times in her dreams.

  “What question?” She was playing with him, feeding off his teasing tone, praying they could keep it light until the clock struck midnight and her glass slippers disappeared.

  He blinked and the silliness faded from his eyes. “Do you miss me, Ash?”

  She clenched her teeth to keep from pulling him close, from drawing him near and kissing him right here in front of the other wedding guests
. Resist him, she told herself. It can’t go anywhere. But in light of his question, she had to answer, had to let him know the obvious. “With every breath, Landon.”

  His feet kept moving to the slow beat, but he squinted at her hair. Then with careful hands, he ran his fingers down the side of her head. “You have the most beautiful hair.” He raised his brow. “Has anyone ever told you that?”

  She held her breath to keep from giggling, but it didn’t work. The laughter built within her and escaped in a burst that left them both chuckling as they sauntered off the floor. “You sound more like Irvel than Irvel does.” She bopped him on the head and took the seat beside him at their table.

  Cole was dancing with Maddie, staying close to Reagan and Luke. Every now and then he’d look at Ashley and Landon and wave at them from across the room. In turn, they’d wave back and keep talking.

  “So tell me, how are Irvel and the gang?”

  “Good.” Ashley was grateful for the laughter between them. It meant they were making the best of the situation without working themselves back to a place that would hurt too much to leave. “I’m worried about Irvel. She’s slower these days. Talking to Hank as though he’s standing beside her half the time.”

  Landon shrugged. “I can relate.”

  “What?” Ashley grinned, refusing to let the conversation grow deep again. “You talk to Hank, too?”

  “Okay.” He chuckled, and his head dropped a bit. “You got me. I talk to Hank all the time.”

  They laughed again, and when the music changed to a faster beat, he took her hand and the two of them spent the next half hour dancing with Ashley’s sisters and the bride and groom.

  When the reception ended, everyone made their way to the street and a line of cabs. Ashley hung back with Landon, together but apart, not sure how to say good-bye with everyone clustered around.

  “When do you leave?” Landon leaned close, obviously aware that this might be it, their last night together for a very long time.

  “Saturday.” Ashley wore her long wool coat, but still she was cold. The snow was falling again, and she allowed herself the luxury of standing closer to him, their bodies touching as they talked. Her mother and Erin and Sam, even Luke and Reagan had already returned to the hotel. Only her father and Brooke remained, working to buckle Hayley and Maddie into the cab while Cole hopped about on the sidewalk.

  “Ash . . .” He waited. His breath hung in the air like a wisp of smoke.

  She looked up at him, unaware of anything but his nearness. “I have to go.”

  “Not yet.” His eyes held hers, and he angled in so he was partially facing her. “I’ll take you home.”

  “I . . . Landon . . . what about Cole?”

  At almost the same instant, Brooke called out from the cab. “Ashley, I’ve got Cole.” She motioned to him. “Come on, buddy. You can go back with Aunt Brooke.”

  “Are you sure?” Ashley’s heart was beating so hard she expected it to affect her voice. If she were smart she’d go now, take Cole by the hand and join Brooke, her father, and the girls in the cab. But she couldn’t do it, couldn’t leave Landon standing there no matter what her common sense tried to say. “Okay, Brooke. I won’t be late.”

  She smiled at Ashley. “I’m not worried. You have a key, right?”

  “Right.” Ashley took a few steps closer to the cab. “Cole, be good for Aunt Brooke, okay?”

  “Okay, Mommy.” He skipped over and hugged Landon. “Are you coming to the hotel, Landon? Maybe we can watch a movie.”

  Ashley watched Landon’s struggle, how the muscles in his jaw flinched. “Hey, Cole, jump up here for a minute.”

  Cole backed up a few feet and took a running leap into Landon’s arms. “Can you, Landon? Can you come back with us?”

  “Not today, tiger.” He let his forehead rest against Cole’s. “But maybe I’ll see you again before you go, okay?”

  “Okay.” Cole’s expression fell. “When are you coming back home where we live?”

  Ashley watched Landon’s gaze fall to the ground. When he lifted his eyes, Ashley wasn’t sure if it was the freezing air or Cole’s question, but his lashes were damp. “I’m not sure, buddy. One of these days, okay?”

  “Come on, Cole.” Brooke poked her head out of the cab. “We’re waiting, honey.”

  Cole wrapped his little-boy arms around Landon’s neck and held on for several seconds. “I love you, Landon.”

  “Oh, Cole.” Landon buried his head against Cole’s. “Love you, too.” He eased the child to the ground, and the two waved at each other once more before Cole ran to the cab.

  Landon took a step back, closer to Ashley. Together they watched the cab pull away. Landon turned to her. “I hate this part.”

  “Me, too.” Ashley pushed her hands deep into her coat pockets and shivered. “Where’s your truck?”

  “This way.” Landon held out his hand.

  Ashley hesitated only a moment. Then she eased her fingers between his and didn’t resist when he slipped both their hands into his coat pocket. His truck was in the back parking lot. They climbed in and Landon started the engine. It was just after ten o’clock, and at that hour—especially on Christmas Eve—they’d be back at her hotel in twenty minutes.

  Landon leaned against the driver’s door and studied her. “Want to talk somewhere?”

  For a few seconds Ashley thought about saying the right answer, the one she had rehearsed for this moment: No, Landon, take me back to the hotel. Nothing good can come from this. But her heart spoke before her head remembered the words. “Okay.”

  They agreed to go back to the Marriott for coffee, but halfway there, Landon pulled into a parking lot near the south end of Central Park and grinned at her. “I have a better idea.”

  Again her head demanded that she refuse him, beg him to take her back to the hotel before she fell any more in love with him. But instead she smiled at him, and when he opened her door, this time she easily slipped her hand in his. “We’re walking through Central Park?”

  “Not quite.” He led her across the street and down half a block to the place where half a dozen horse-drawn carriages waited.

  “Landon!” Ashley’s voice fell to a whisper. “What are you . . . ?”

  He lifted one shoulder. “It’s Christmas Eve, Ash.” His eyes met hers and lingered. “Maybe our last.”

  The carriages were all different, and Landon picked one where the back curved up over their heads, protecting them from the light snow. He climbed in, then helped her up. Once she was inside, the driver spread a fur blanket over their legs.

  “It’ll take a minute to warm up.” Landon put his arm around her and pulled her close.

  Again she couldn’t find the strength to fight the moment. Everything light and easy about the night was gone now, and Ashley leaned her head on his shoulder, snuggling closer. Tomorrow didn’t matter. “Thanks, Landon.”

  They were four blocks into the park before either of them spoke.

  “I liked what Reagan said.” He tightened his hold on her and looked at the bare trees that lined the pathway.

  “Reagan?” Ashley sat straighter and found his eyes.

  “Her vows. The part about life being uncertain, and love being worthwhile . . .”

  “If you had one day or twenty thousand.” Ashley sighed and looked straight ahead again. “I heard it.”

  His voice was soft, a caress against her soul. “And . . .”

  She rested her head against the back of the carriage. “And it doesn’t apply to us, Landon. If Reagan and Luke only live a handful of days as husband and wife, at least those days will be healthy and safe.” Space had crept between them during the conversation, and a chill made its way down her spine. “I can’t even give you that.”

  “Hey.” He touched the side of her face, and she looked at him once more. “You’re giving it to me now.”

  Her breath caught in her throat. “Landon . . . you know what I mean.”

  “But you
haven’t given me a chance. I want to work with you on this, Ashley.”

  “No!” She raised her voice a notch. “It isn’t fair to you; I won’t do it. You’re here; your job is here. And this—” she waved her hand around in the air—“this is some kind of Christmas fantasy. Some moment not connected to yesterday or tomorrow, okay?”

  He studied her, waiting a handful of heartbeats before the fight left his eyes. “Okay.” He closed in and kissed the tip of her nose. “I’m sorry.”

  What else could either of them say? Ashley lifted her chin a notch. “Me, too.” Keep your distance; come on. A cool breeze swirled several snowflakes into the carriage.

  The ride was half over, and while the horse’s hooves clopped in the background, Landon faced the path ahead and again they were quiet. Ashley ached for a way to break the silence, to tell him that yes, of course Reagan’s words had applied to them as well. To hold him and kiss him and pray that he might come back to Bloomington with her. She hadn’t expected him to kiss her, not even on the tip of her nose. But then she hadn’t expected to be alone with him in a horse-drawn carriage on a snowy Christmas Eve in Central Park.

  “I want to ask you something.” Landon shifted his body so he could see her. “Now, before the ride’s over.”

  “Okay.” Her lips were suddenly dry, her heart once more skittering about inside her chest. He had a right to tell her he never wanted to talk to her again, and if that was the case, she had to accept it. Dragging out the ending of their relationship was proving hard on both of them.

  He opened his mouth to speak, but instead, in a pull too strong for either of them to resist, he eased his fingers along the side of her face and drew closer.

  Ashley knew what was going to happen, but she couldn’t stop herself, didn’t want to stop. Their lips touched and he kissed her, melted her in a way that dissolved every reason why she should pull back and have him take her home.

  The kiss continued, changing from quiet desperation to urgent. Ashley pulled away first, her lips burning from his warmth, the magic of being with him this way. She closed her eyes and tried to ignore the way her breathing was quick and jagged. Why, God . . . why does it always come to this when I know we’re not supposed to be together?