The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition.
Page 1
THE
ART OF WAR
for
ZOMBIES
Ancient Secrets of World Domination
APOCALYPSE EDITION
Sun-Tzumbie
Translated and annotated by
Madame Cadavre Exquis
Interpreted by Rene J. Smith
and Virginia Reynolds
Illustrated by Bruce Waldman
Cartography by David Lindroth
DEADICATION
To our newest Undead recruits.
Good moaning! Today is the first day
of the rest of your afterlife.
Designed by Margaret Rubiano
Illustrations copyright © 2011 Bruce Waldman
Map copyright © 2011 David Lindroth, Inc.
Copyright © 2011
Peter Pauper Press, Inc.
202 Mamaroneck Avenue
White Plains, NY 10601
All rights reserved
ISBN 9781441307187
Printed in Hong Kong
7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Visit us at www.peterpauper.com
CONTENTS
Publisher’s Note
Preface
Introduction
1. Laying Plans: Dead Reckoning
Or, how zombies will win the day
2. Waging War
The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the ambulatory
3. Offensive Strategy
Offensive? Moi? Nay, ’tis only a flesh wound!
4. Tactics
In the midst of life they are in death
5. Energy
Heads will roll . . . and explode
6. Weaknesses and Strengths
You hold their fate in your gnarly, outstretched hands
7. Maneuvering
Deviate and subjugate
8. Variables of Engagement
Be tricky
9. The Horde on the March
Zombie all you can be
10. Terrraaaiiin
Making your way through the land of the Living
11. The Nine Situations
Hit the ground shambling
12. Fire
When they are engulfed in flames
13. Using Secret Agents
I spy, with my single eye . . .
PUBLISHER’S NOTE
Written by Chinese philosopher general Sun Tzu in the 6th century BC, The Art of War is the definitive work on military strategies. Popular today also in the fields of business, sport, law, and education, which embrace the strategy of adapting to changing conditions, The Art of War has been published worldwide for centuries and has sold millions of copies.
Now, for the first time adapted by Sun-Tzumbie for use by the Zombie community, subsequently translated and annotated by Madame Cadavre Exquis, and modernized by Rene J. Smith and Virginia Reynolds, The Art of War for Zombies is unearthed and in print. This text is essential reading for the Undead in the coming Zombie apocalypse.
PREFACE
Sun-Tzumbie vanished in the year 918 BA (before apocalypse), soon after committing his famous text to paper. He is believed to be Undead and in seclusion in a remote area near the border of Tajikistan and China. Sightings have been reported in China, Uzbekistan, and as far south as Kashmir, but these cannot be corroborated. The text in this volume was recovered in the year 1871 during one of my many Asian expeditions. All porters were subsequently eaten. I translated and annotated Sun-Tzumbie’s (incomplete) manuscript with the help of Undead scholars in St. Domingue, Transylvania, and New Orleans. Any errors or omissions are mine.
Cap-Haïtien, Haiti, 1958
INTRODUCTION
They walk among us: The Living. And they have for centuries. They are the Human Race—our nemesis. They seek to vanquish us. But we bite back. Still, every Zombie needs support. Hence this book.
The Art of War for Zombies will assist you, Undead Comrade, on your journey through the land of the Living. Based on the teachings of Sun-Tzumbie, with additional anecdotal material from Madame Cadavre Exquis, this book will help the Horde become organized as it reveals ancient Zombie secrets for overcoming our Living opponents.
Discover how to assess your Enemy, plan for sieges, and develop offensive strategy (an easy task for us of the decaying flesh). Understand that female Humans will wear high-heeled shoes during Zombie outbreaks, making them easy targets. (Why do Humans insist on thinking the Apocalypse is going to be sexy?) Laugh because a popular “Zombie survival manual” is dispensed not in bookstore “Self-Help” sections, but in “Humor.” BWAHAHA! (Unfortunately, it remains a bestseller.) And remember: Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it. Soon every day will be the Day of the Dead. If you can’t join ’em, beat ’em—and eat ’em!
As Sun-Tzumbie says, “If you know the Enemy and know yourself (or what’s left of you), you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.”
It all starts by declaring one word:
WAR
THE APOCALYPSE
WILL NOT BE
TELEVISED.
one
LAYING
PLANS
DEAD RECKONING
Or, how zombies
will win the day
Sun-Tzumbie said: The art of war is of vital importance to the Horde. War is a matter of life and death, or undeath, as we prefer. It is a road either to safety or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected. If we are to take over the world, we must have a plan. Yes, we are Zombies. Planning is not our strong suit. However, with a little effort and a lot of BRRRAAAIIINNNS (NOM NOM NOM), we will prevail.
THE FACTORS OF WAR
While Humans will be hampered by their insistence on following their pesky laws and leaders, we are Zombies. The Horde is under no such constraint. Immoral law wins the day. We are only dismayed by danger inasmuch as we fear a crowbar to the eye socket. That is to be avoided.
Our goal is to create Hell on earth. Unlike our puny Mortal antagonists, we are unfazed by variations in seasons, temperature, wind, and precipitation. (Ever notice how much Humans whine about the weather? Pathetic!) Yes, Earth will soon be ours. We have the ability to traverse great swaths of the planet (albeit slowly), while Humans are constantly stopping to check their messages or their makeup, to re-load, or to refuel their soon useless vehicles. Short of removing miscellaneous body parts, there is little they can do to stop us. Take heart! Take brain! Take kidney!
The Undead individual shows itself superior in every respect. While Humans look to their leaders, in the Horde it’s every corpse for itself. We don’t need no stinkin’ commander. Except when we do. However, we can become a well-oiled, brain-eating machine by following a few simple rules. Within the Horde, there are ranks and classifications. The Zombie who knows its place in the Horde will be victorious. Feed off the instincts, and other bits, of your comrades. Control of the supply chain—BRRRAAAIIINNNS, BRRRAAAIIINNNS, and more BRRRAAAIIINNNS—is crucial, as is knowing our terrain, because we’re not always too steady on our feet. We cannot allow the Humans to press their advantages.
DETERMINING THE ADVANTAGE
To assess the Zombie advantage by judging the military conditions, consider:
Which of the two beings—Zombie or Human—is less hampered by moral law? Um, is this question necessary? Completely devoid of higher brain functions, including that pesky conscience, the Zombie is clearly favored in this arena.
Which of the two ha
s the most ability—a Human Mortal or the Undead? This depends on how you define the concept of “ability.” We have the ability to terrorize every Living, breathing Human. How badass is that? Reasoning ability? Not so much, but who cares when you’re badass? In the meantime, our foes are still struggling with the question, “How do you kill something that’s already dead?” Human FAIL.
With whom lie the advantages derived from Hell on Earth? We created it. We control it. BWAHAHA!
On which side is discipline most rigorously enforced—Human side or Zombie side? We need to do a little work in this area, which is why we created this book on your behalf. Our Enemies tend to fall into phalanxes fairly easily; however, our superior numbers and endurance allow us to easily overcome them under most circumstances.
Which army is stronger—Human or The Horde? Humans have learned very little about Undead behavior from their movies and games. Zombie Strippers? Plants Versus Zombies? Please. They see us as “entertainment,” even as “zomedy.” A fatal flaw. They underestimate us at their own peril.
On which side are officers and soldiers more highly trained: the Human side or the Zombie side? Team Zombie is on autopilot, 24/7. We do one thing, and we do it well: We hunt down and eat Humans. We are BRRRAAAIIIN-eating machines. Humans may do impressive things with modern equipment, military Zombie kits, even toilet lids and crowbars, but they cannot withstand our unending onslaught and quest for Gray Matter.
In which army is there greater constancy both in punishment and in reward? In the Horde, punishment is simple. In fact, there is only one capital punishment—getting decapitated. The sentence is carried out swiftly, without your remorse, and probably without your conscious knowledge. You won’t know what hit you.
Your reward is equally simple:
BRRRAAAIIINNNS,
glorious BRRRAAAIIINNNS.
By means of these seven considerations we may forecast victory or defeat. So, Zombie Nation, hearken to my counsel and conquer. The Undead who hearken not to my counsel will suffer defeat—let such a one be dismissed! Zombie FAIL.
ALL WARFARE IS BASED ON DECEPTION.
Zombies, when able to attack, should strive to appear unable, and shamble about in seeming disarray.
When using our forces, we must take care to seem slow-witted and incapable. (Yes, we are naturally proficient in this department.)
When we are near, we must make the Enemy believe we are far away. When we are far away, we must make him believe we are near.
Hold out baits to entice the Enemy. Cupcakes work well, as does bacon.
Feign disorder, and crush him. Nobody takes Zombies seriously, and for this they will pay.
If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. Dismembered body parts can be used as weapons. Chew on this: Even your severed head can deliver a coup de grace!
If he is in superior strength, evade him. Given our legendary endurance, this is a no brainer. Bodies of water are to be avoided, however (see THE BRANCHES OF LORE).
If your opponent is hot headed and high-strung, seek to irritate him further. Note: His digestive tract will likely be unappetizing.
Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. They never learn, do they? And they say we’re the dumb ones.
If he is relaxing, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them. Divide and devour.
Attack the Human where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected. Press this advantage at every turn. Nothing unhinges a Human more than a Zombie outside an open window.
All this strategizing aside, Horde tactics are driven by one directive and one directive only:
WORLD DOMINATION.
two
WAGING
WAR
The race is not
to the swift,
nor the battle to
the ambulatory
Sun-Tzumbie said: In the operations of war, where there are in the field a thousand swift Rams, Raptors, and PT Cruisers, as many heavy Hummers, and a hundred thousand chainsaw-carrying Humans, the expenditures for essentials—including ammunition, armor, entertainment of guests, and small items such as Yodels and beer—will reach untold amounts each day. Such is the Humans’ cost of raising an army of willing soldiers.
Our cost: nada. The Zombie need not raise a levy, nor use sport utility vehicles. Or weapons, uniforms, or even clothing, for that matter. Clothes do not make the Zombie.
Zombies, you bring war material with you—your terrifying Virus, your vicious bite, your overpowering odor. You may forage—literally—on the Enemy. Thus the Horde should have BRRRAAAIIINNNS enough for its needs. Certainly enough to carry out the first principle of waging war: Bleed ’em dry!
Three noblemen encounter three cadavers. A popular theme of medieval art, “living meeting dead” was intended to warn the living of their coming mortality, and cause them to repent.
The Humans will become impoverished. The proximity of a Zombie army will cause scarcity of resources, high prices, and widespread panic. The Humans’ substance will be drained away. The peasantry will be afflicted by heavy exactions. They will panic, squabble over tubular snack foods and can openers, and slow each other down. Yes, they will seem brain dead, but rest assured—there is juicy Gray Matter inside each and every one.
As an example of Zombies scavenging for food on the go, Madame Cadavre Exquis bids us recall the classic story of Beowulf and Grendel, Zombie Grendel’s preferred snack being the Danish party guests of King Hrothgar.
The not-so-great late Danes made too much noise one mead-swilling night, attracting the wrath of Gren. The iconic Zombie chewed the guests out, but his snack attack, in turn, attracted the presence of one Beowulf, the type of swashbuckling meddler you still run into today, particularly in New York City and Tallahassee.
Beowulf tore off Grendel’s arm, and though our Gren escaped, the wound weakened him sufficiently to cause his ultimate demise.
Note that later on, Beowulf (may he rot in Hell!) cut off Grendel’s head and returned it to King Hrothgar. Ultimately, however, karma bit back: After Beowulf went on to destroy Grendel’s avenging mother (yes, this truly is a heart-rending story!), the swordslinger himself was destroyed by a dragon. His final destination: the funeral pyre.
With war causing loss of substance and exhaustion of strength, the homes of Humans will be stripped bare. Their income will be dissipated; their gas-depleted Silverados and Siennas will rust. Nonfunctioning generators, chain saws, and leaf blowers will accumulate.
Hence a wise Zombie general makes a point of baiting the Enemy. One abandoned Costco, because of its power to tempt Humans with pallets of still edible Dinty Moore and bins of Lance Honey Buns,* is equivalent to 20 Whole Foods Markets (with their way beyond the sell by date moldy fuzz plosions of Arugula That Time Forgot).
When Humans engage in actual fighting, if victory is long in coming, they will weary of wielding their fire extinguishers and toilet lids and their ardor will be dampened. If we lay siege to their malls, their radioactive landscapes, their Dixie swamplands, and their theme parks, they will exhaust their strength. If the campaign is protracted, the resources of the Humans will not be equal to the strain.
We must, however, strike a balance between wearing down the enemy, and wearing down ourselves. Though we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been associated with long delays. We are, of course, shambling as hastily as we can, but let’s face it—we are not that clever, delays or no delays.
And yet, despite the fact that there is no instance of a country having benefited from prolonged warfare, delays can serve our own Zombie Nation quite well. Thanks to our ingenious recruiting program, our victims become our soldiers! We may also dig up additional ready recruits at a convenient graveyard.
* Speaking of snack foods, let Zombies adopt the former slogan of a prominent American snack food company: “Don’t go ’round hungry.”
The nature of the Human is such that in order to kill their Enemy (namely us), they must be
roused to anger. In addition to the obvious advantage (such as life) of defeating the Horde, they must also have “rewards,” even if these consist of unlimited rides on the Tilt-A-Whirl and looting tourist souvenir shops.
Zombies must be roused, period. Generally by movement, noise, and proximity of meat (i.e., the reward).
Therefore in attacking HOV-lane cars and trucks, also known as Meals on Wheels, when ten or more such vehicles have been halted, those Zombies should be rewarded who took down the first. Captured Humans should be promptly eaten. This is called using the conquered foe (and his BRRRAAAIIINNNS) to augment one’s own strength.
In war, then, let your great object be
ULTIMATE WORLD DOMINATION,
not lengthy campaigns. This precept shall determine
whether the Horde shall be in peace, or pieces.
three
OFFENSIVE
STRATEGY
Offensive? Moi?
Nay, ’tis only
a flesh wound!
On the subject of sustaining minor injuries: Though flesh (and other) wounds hurt like hell until you’re fully Zombie fied, they comprise part of your offensive arsenal. Lacerations, abrasions, incisions, and gunshot wounds are useful in that they unnerve and discompose the Living, who will soon be decomposing themselves! BWAHAHA!
Sun-Tzumbie said: If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you will be called a successful Zombie. The best thing of all is to devour the Human whole and intact. To leave a mess behind as evidence of your passage (and poor table etiquette) is not so good.