The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition.

by Rene J. Smith

  Hence the saying: If you know the Enemy and know yourself, your Zombie victory will not stand in doubt. If you know Hell and know Earth, you know “When there’s no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth.”

  ATTA GHOUL!

  eleven

  THE NINE

  SITUATIONS

  Hit the ground shambling

  Sun-Tzumbie said: The struggle for WORLD DOMINATION recognizes nine types of situations.

  Confused situations

  Easy situations

  Quarrelsome situations

  Stable situations

  Situations with opposing goals

  Serious situations

  Difficult situations

  Hemmed-in situations

  Desperate situations

  All of these can be used to the advantage of the resourceful Z.

  When you cannot distinguish the Living from the dead, this is a confused situation. In confused situations, take stock. Do not attack until you can tell the players without a scorecard.

  When the Humans’ defenses are shoddy and you have penetrated them, this is an easy situation. In easy situations, press your advantage.

  When other Undead try to possess the ground you and your Horde have already secured, this is a quarrelsome situation. In quarrelsome situations, remind your fellows of your common goal. Proceed not until you reach accord.

  Ground with the Horde on all sides, surrounding a small enclave of Mortals, connotes a stable situation. If you are lucky enough to find yourself and your fellow Zombies in a stable situation, feast at will while never letting your guard down. Leave no traces of your passage.

  When the Humans are hunting you, necessitating a defensive plan even as you mount an attack, this is a situation with opposing goals. In a situation with opposing goals: Defense, defense, defense. The Zombie who shuffles away lives to devour another day.

  When you have covered a great deal of ground, devouring on the march and with a substantial Horde at your back, this is a serious situation (for Humans!). In a serious situation, do not linger after feeding. Move on.

  Sludgy, marshy, or pockmarked terrain—anything that can trip you up—presents a difficult situation. As do highways—see below. Likewise, urban settings offer unique challenges. In difficult situations, shamble on. However tempting, know the dangers of traveling on paved roads, especially during daylight.

  When we are forced to chase the Living down tortuous paths and narrow passages where a Zombie would make an easy target for a sniper, this is a hemmed-in situation. If you are hemmed in, seek a way out. Use “The Moan,” or any other stratagem at your disposal. Humans are easily distracted by shiny objects and kittens.

  When you are separated from the Horde and surrounded by the Living bearing torches and pitchforks, this situation is truly desperate. In a desperate situation? Don’t lose your head. Fight.

  STRATEGIES

  Zombies of old who wielded great skill in battle were adept at driving a wedge (or other implements) into the Enemy’s ranks. Prevent the Living from attending to the wounded. In this way, the newly-Undead will rise to join your legions.

  The Mortals’ order, when it can be rallied, signifies disorder for the Horde. Don’t let it happen! It is in your best interest to keep them squabbling over petty matters. Snatch—but do not eat—a young female to hold as hostage. You will be able to pick off her would-be rescuers at your leisure. When the phalanx has been exhausted, you may dine at leisure.

  Another tested stratagem involving hostage Humans is to take a bite (just one!) of your hostage in an unobtrusive spot, and then return him or her to the Living cohort as an infiltrator. Wait for the necrosis to occur. Your work is done. In this manner a whole group of air sucking Humans may be turned with little effort.

  Your power increases with numbers and as you penetrate further into the territory held by the Mortals. They become nervous and often act without thinking. Sometimes they even shoot each other only to ask questions later—which can never be answered, save by the ubiquitous Moan. They may fight hard, but they are no match for the Horde.

  Desperate Humans may kill themselves or one another in a misguided attempt to elude their fate. No matter. They are either with us or they are food.

  If you find a timid Zombie in your ranks, he or she must be either conditioned to proper behavior, or dispatched for a traitor. There is no middle ground. In the war for WORLD DOMINATION, there is no room for timorousness.

  As Zombies, we fight without fear. Nothing can befall us that would be worse than what we have already experienced. The trauma of the Undeath and subsequent reanimation inures us to all Human fears.

  Do not be distracted by the trappings of your former “life.” Money is of no use to us, although oxygen-thieving Humans may try to bribe you with it. Ha! Should you find yourself in possession of cash reserves, these may be employed to lure unsuspecting Humans to our side.

  Fashion yourself in the manner of the immortal (!) Chinese vampire/zombie Jiang Shi: Strike at his head and he will attack you with his feet; strike near his feet and he will devour you with his teeth; strike at his middle and he will attack you with head and feet.

  And so the name Jiang Shi is

  remembered among the Undead.

  Madame Cadavre Exquis observed the great rout at Zhaotong in the reign of Emperor Gaozu, who himself was later recruited to the Horde: “Great Jiang Shi rallied the Undead who had been enemies in Life and brought them to the Cause. Yea, though the stench was mighty, each (formerly human) being dragged his fellow beyond the threshold. The Horde fought with not a care for the loss of limb nor their advancing state of decomposition.”

  So, then, we are taught that the way to victory is to make optimal use of the terrain and circumstances at our disposal.

  The more you can blend in with your Enemies, the greater the likelihood of your penetrating all their defenses. Try patronizing Death Metal clubs, where an abundance of prey can often be found. The cover of darkness and noise at such establishments is ideal, and you will be surprised at how you resemble the Living patrons. The irony’s not bad, either.

  Avoid situations where your identity might be obvious: tea parties (unless the British royal family is present), bachelorette parties (could lead to embarrassing dismemberment), the beach at St. Tropez, unless you’re prepared to shell out top dollar for expensive sunscreen.

  When you leave the necropolis to forage, you may find yourself hunted: that is, in the situation of Opposing Goals. Be prepared with a strong defense. For hemmed-in situations, always have an escape plan.

  When the pickings are easy, keep moving.

  Consolidate your alliances to prevent contentious situations. We’re all on the same team: Team Z!

  Always bestow a reward on one who returns with a fresh kill—he should receive the best of the BRRRAAAIIINNNS. So are the Undead conditioned to strive for the good of the group.

  Block all routes of egress for the Mortals. This is known as the Cinema Stratagem. While the Living take in a “Zombie” film at the local multiplex and gorge themselves on corn products, have your lieutenants seal off the exits. Enter the theater under the cover of darkness and in the guise of “cinéma vérité.”

  In this, the battle is not always to the fleet of foot or intellect (thank evilness for that!), but to the Zombie who waits, watches, and makes the most of every opportunity.

  SO MUCH

  FOR SITUATIONS.

  twelve

  FIRE

  When they are

  engulfed in flames

  Sun-Tzumbie said: There are five ways of attacking with fire.

  The first is to burn the Enemy in its camp.

  The second is to burn stores. (Gordo’s Gun Shop comes to mind.)

  The third is to burn baggage trains, baggage carts, and those annoying rolling suitcases that trip Zombies up.

  The fourth is to burn arsenals and magazines, especially periodicals devoted to the Living— Boys’ Life, Southern
Living, Long-Term Living, Mountain Living, Coastal Living, and Vermont Life.

  The fifth is to hurl dropping fire amongst the Enemy.

  Fire can be highly useful to a Zombie. It’s true: You, in your current state, are no longer concerned with having light, warmth, cooked food, purified water, or sterilized bandages. And you’re not really worried about predatory animals. Or signaling for help. Nope. It’s the Humans who need fire for all these things. There is an old Human saying: “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” And there is also a Zombie saying: “Where there’s fire, there’s likely BRRRAAAIIINNNS!”

  You may lure Humans to you with a good old-fashioned campfire. Making one is easy. Even a Zombie can master this basic wilderness skill. Material for building a fire should always be kept in readiness: matches, gasoline, greasy rags, dryer lint, paper (the publications mentioned earlier will do nicely), grass, bark, and resin (a.k.a. tree sap).

  Try to build a fire near dry vegetation; perhaps it will spread to inhabited areas, and drive the Humans from their homes. Go ahead—let your fire get out of control. Safety? Let us remind you: This is a Zombie Apocalypse, not a Boy Scout Jamboree!

  There is a proper season for making Zombie attacks with fire, and special days for starting a conflagration. The proper season is when the weather is very dry, obviously; the special days are those when the moon is in the constellations of The Colander, The Wall, The Wing, or The Cross-bar, for these four are all days of rising—ahem—Wind. And if there is one thing the decomposing Zombie can do without peer, it’s raise Prodigious Wind.

  In attacking with fire, the Zombie should take into account five considerations:

  When fire breaks out inside the Enemy’s camp, respond at once with a Horde attack from without. No one gets out alive! Except you of course. Although you are dead. In a manner of speaking. Never mind.

  If there is an outbreak of fire, but the Enemy remains quiet, bide your time and do not attack. The Humans may be attempting to hornswoggle you. On the other hand, they may have simply panicked and died from smoke asphyxiation, the number one cause of death from fires. Blunder in and feast on their BRRRAAAIIINNNS before they are too well done.

  When the force of the flames has reached its height, attack, if that is practicable. Just shamble on into the Enemy camp and make yourself at home. They’ll likely mistake you for a counselor.

  If it is possible to make an assault with fire from without, do not wait for it to break out within. Go ahead—set the world on fire!

  When you start a fire, remain windward of it. Do not attack from the leeward side, unless you wish to become Zombie Flambé.

  An ill wind that rises in the daytime lasts long, but a night breeze soon falls. Zombies prefer the longer-lasting, Virus-spreading ill wind. Speaking of wind, stay downwind of the Mortals; your aroma will betray your position. Unless, as mentioned above, you’re starting a fire.

  In every Horde army, the five developments connected with fire must be known, the movements of the stars calculated, and a watch kept for the proper days. And remember: Star sightings attract Humans in droves. Therefore, Zombie contingents in Hollywood, the Hamptons, and Cannes have built-in advantages. Many celebrities are already Zombies (though a number are vegan); this is not common knowledge among Humans. Even so, these stars attract mobs of fans and insatiable stalking paparazzombies, who seek to capture them in trophy photographs.

  Speaking of trophies, Madame Cadavre Exquis reminds us to consider the headhunting culture. Headhunting has been practiced in Asia, Africa, South America, New Zealand, the Pacific Islands, and Europe. The practice comes from the belief that one’s head contains “life force,” which becomes available to those who take the head. (Yes, the modern Zombie knows of this life force, too—BRRRAAAIIINNNSSS!) Some cultures also shrink heads, generally because they incorrectly use the hot water setting on their washing machines. But shrinkage has its bright side: Shrunken heads make cool Zombie accessories. In any event, we must never forget that belief in the power of the head drives our enemies to destroy ours! Madame thanks you for your attention.

  Heads will roll

  Hence those Zombies who use fire as an aid to the attack show intelligence; those who use water gain an accession of strength. Fire and water, two of the five elements. It’s elementary, my dear Zombie.

  By means of water, the Cognizant may be intercepted, but not robbed of all his belongings. But he will know the Human saying to be true: “You can’t take it with you!” He will realize that in a Zombie Apocalypse he needs nothing but his—say it with me now—BRRRAAAIIINNNS! (OK, he’ll probably be wishing for a spear gun as well, but too bad.)

  Unhappy is the fate of the Zombie who tries to win battles and influence people without cultivating the (evil) spirit of enterprise; for the result is a waste of time and general stagnation. Give the Devil his due! Or you’re doo-doo.

  Hence the saying: The enlightened Horde ruler lays his plans well ahead; the good Horde general cultivates his resources—and his Zombies. Move not unless you see an advantage. Use not your Zombies unless there is something to be gained. Fight not unless the position is critical.

  No Horde ruler should put troops into the field merely to gratify and/or consume his own spleen (or another’s). No general should fight a battle simply out of pique (or piquant sauce).

  If it is to your Undead advantage, make a forward shuffle; if not, stay where you are.

  Anger may in time change to gladness with the NOMMING of BRRRAAAIIINNNS; vexation may be succeeded by contentment at least until all available Gray Matter is gone.

  But a Horde that has once been destroyed can never come again into being; nor can the dead Undead ever be brought back to, er, Unlife. Or can they? Zom-bie or not Zom-bie...that is the question. (Note to self: Check with Horderatio. And Yorick.)

  Hence the enlightened Horde ruler is heedful, and the good Horde general full of caution. This is the way to keep the world at war and Zombies intact, more or less.

  NEVER FORGET:

  THIS IS THE

  ZOMBIE

  APOCALYPSE.

  thirteen

  USING

  SECRET

  AGENTS

  I spy, with

  my single eye . . .

  Sun-Tzumbie said: Raising a host of a hundred thousand corpses and marching them great distances entails heavy losses of flesh and a drain on the resources of the necropolis. There will be commotion at home and abroad, and the Undead will decompose and rot on the highways. The Living will be preoccupied with clearing away their remains. It is preferable to sacrifice a few of the Horde’s more putrid specimens in order to keep the Humans preoccupied with this task.

  Hostile armies may face each other for years (We’ve got all the time in the world; remember? They’re the ones who have to dash off to meetings, brunches, and baby showers.), striving for the victory which will be decided in a single day. This being so, to remain in ignorance (a more or less permanent condition for one of Us) simply because one grudges the time and effort, is the height of inHumanity. And we’re all about inHumanity. Preach it, Zombie brethren!

  One who acts thus is an unnatural leader of the Post Lifers and will bring ruin unto the masses of Humanity. Such a one is devoutly to be wished for. What enables the ruthless Zombie sovereign to strike, conquer, and achieve things beyond the reach of Mortal and immortal alike, is foreknowledge.

  Now, this knowledge cannot be elicited from spirits, although Sun-Tzumbie strongly advocates “haunting” the Humans’ houses of worship, for these buildings provide a tasty and reliable weekly brunch. Nor can it be gained inductively or by deductive calculations, as the Zombies’ mental faculties are usually severely impaired. No, knowledge of the Humans’ dispositions can only be obtained from Humans themselves—and BRRRAAAIIINNNS.

  Hence, the use of spies.

  SPIES

  There are five classes of spies:

  Local spies

  Inward spies

  Converted spies


  Doomed spies

  “Surviving” spies

  When these five kinds of spies are all at work, none can discover the secret system. This is called “diabolical manipulation of the threads.” It is the Horde’s most precious faculty. Let’s face it: In a universe of dwindling faculties, one must grasp at every thread (or straw or loose digit).

  Having local spies means befriending the recently reanimated of a given locale or district.

  Hone-onna (skeleton woman) decoy used by Jiang-Shi to lure Imperial warriors into the legions of the Horde

  Having inward spies will be difficult, but not impossible. One must make use of the officials of the Enemy. Some law enforcement personnel, especially those living in remote backwaters or rural areas, may be hoodwinked into revealing volumes of information.

  Having converted spies: Do we really need to explain this? It’s not brain surgery. OK, actually it is...of a more primitive nature.

  Having doomed spies: Select a sufficiently putrefied specimen to infiltrate an encampment of the Living. Watch the results. While your scout may perish, the sacrifice is not without merit, as Mortals will stream in from all directions as ants from an anthill. Forget your scout. He was doomed anyway.

  Finally, “surviving” spies (“surviving” being a relative term) are those who bring back news from the Enemy’s camp.

  Hence it is that with none in the whole Horde are more intimate relations to be maintained than with spies.

  And none should be more liberally rewarded with choice tidbits of Gray Matter. In no other business should greater secrecy be preserved. Apocalypse Tip: Spies should be coached to use The Moan sparingly, if at all. Always select the freshest-looking of your number.