Blame it on the Onesie: A romantic comedy about work, water and wine

by CJ Morrow

  Hal turned over, grunted, ‘Phoebes, get your dirty body back in this bed.’

  Eighteen

  ‘That’s good timing. I’ve just got back from the hospital.’ Sam’s smile spread across her face as she opened her front door. She looked pink cheeked and radiant. ‘Oh my God. What’s wrong?’

  Ella’s face screwed up. She’d kept it together so far, but now she was breaking up.

  ‘I was having such a good day,’ Ella said, after she’d finished snivelling on Sam’s shoulder. ‘I’d been to the accountant, all great news.’ She stopped, blew her nose and followed Sam inside. She took a deep breath, pulled herself together. ‘There’s someone in my flat.’

  ‘You mean the grotty bedsit?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘But you’ve moved out.’

  ‘Yes. But I’m still paying the rent, until the end of the month. I know I can afford to just write it off, but it’s the principle of the thing, isn’t it.’

  ‘Oh yes. Absolutely.’ Sam rubbed her stomach, then patted it. ‘Who’s in it? How has that happened?’

  ‘I don’t know. I rang the agent as soon as I got out after I’d been…’ she paused, she wasn’t telling Sam about Hal, at least not until she’d had a chance to hear his side. Who was she kidding, how could he explain that away? ‘Anyway the person dealing with my flat is out with a client, due back this afternoon, they’ll ring me. I’ve heard that before, I expect I’ll have to ring them repeatedly.’

  ‘Where’s the office?’

  ‘Swindon.’

  ‘Come on, Ella, it’s not like you to get upset over something so…well, it doesn’t matter does it? You’ve got your lovely cottage. We can easily get to the bottom of this. It’s probably just a misunderstanding. Let’s just go to the agents’ office. That way they won’t be able to fob you off. We could go and have lunch first.’

  Ella frowned. ‘But what about you? Aren’t you supposed to be taking it easy?’

  Sam smiled. ‘Like I said earlier, I’ve just been to the hospital. They say I’m doing really well now. All my problems,’ Sam waved her arms around, ‘poof, gone.’

  ‘That’s great. What exactly was wrong with you? You never did elaborate.’

  ‘Anaemia, very low blood pressure, fatigue, some other complications, bit of stress. Generally run down. Now, I’m great. And I feel great too. I started to notice the improvement just after I came round to your place. I was still quite tired and low before that visit, but it lifted me. Even on the way home, I said to Charlie, suddenly I was feeling much, much better. Great, isn’t it?’ Sam stood up. ‘Come on, let’s get into Swindon.’

  ‘I’m really pleased you’re feeling better, Sam.’ She hugged her friend and wondered if the Spring of Life had anything to do with it. Dead goat. Of course not. ‘Does this mean you’re going back to work?’

  ‘No. They say I shouldn’t go back until after the baby’s born. So I can spend lots of time with you until then. We can go furniture shopping and baby clothes shopping and carpet shopping and maternity clothes shopping.’ Sam laughed and so did Ella. Every cloud…

  Ella half expected the letting agents’ offices to be down a dingy backstreet, but they weren’t; far from it. As they walked in they were invited to wait in the plush reception and offered coffee. They both declined; they’d had a large lunch and Ella had drunk a full pot of tea. When Ella said who she was, they were shown into a functional office. The woman who greeted them was calm and professional and about Ella’s age.

  ‘Miss Taylor,’ she said, offering her hand, ‘may I call you Ella? I’m Jo.’

  ‘Yes, do,’ Ella said, wondering if that was wise. ‘And this is Sam.’

  ‘So,’ Jo said, leaning across her desk to shake Sam’s hand, ‘how can I help you?’

  ‘There’s a man in my flat, and there shouldn’t be. I’m still paying the rent. Just because I’ve moved out early doesn’t mean you can just put a new tenant in there.’

  ‘I’ve been checking and according to our records,’ Jo turned to her computer, ‘we haven’t.’

  ‘You have.’

  ‘No. We haven’t. Is it possible he’s squatting?’

  ‘Maybe,’ Ella said quietly, then remembered. ‘No. He said he was paying rent.’

  Jo clicked around on her computer, looked up at Ella and Sam. ‘Not to us, he isn’t. According to us, you have the tenancy until the end of the month. We haven’t, I haven’t – and I manage that property – put anyone new in. I did have a tenant lined up, but in fact, when your tenancy expires we’re not letting it again; the landlord wants it back.’

  ‘Well there’s someone in there now,’ Ella said, not knowing what else to say. She slumped back in her chair.

  ‘She’d like a full refund for this month,’ Sam said, smiling over at Jo. ‘And her deposit back, in full, because Ella left that place spotless, better than it was when she moved in.’

  ‘Well, we usually do a check-out against the inventory with the tenant before we can discuss returning deposits.’

  ‘That’s not possible now, is it?’ Sam smiled sweetly at Jo.

  Jo blinked. ‘I need to ring the landlord. There’s obviously been some sort of mix up.’

  ‘Easily unmixed,’ Sam said, giving Ella a sly wink.

  Jo picked up the phone, referred to her computer then dialled. ‘Voice mail,’ she mouthed to them as she listened to the recorded message. ‘Hi, this Jo’ she began before leaving a long message implying there was some mix up with Ella’s studio apartment.

  ‘Studio apartment. That’s a joke,’ Sam said loudly to Ella as Jo flinched.

  ‘Not much more I can do at the moment,’ Jo said, when she came off the phone. ‘I’m sorry. For what it’s worth I do agree that you should have a full refund on both the rent and the deposit, but I can’t do so until I speak to the landlord.’

  Ella nodded slowly.

  ‘Okay,’ Sam said, standing up. ‘Well, we’re not sitting here all day. You’ve got Ella’s number, so she’ll expect an update today – even if the landlord doesn’t get back to you. Thank you for your time.’

  ‘I’ll let you know what I know before close of play today,’ Jo said, standing up and shaking first Sam’s and then Ella’s hand. ‘Even if there’s no news.’

  ‘Fair enough.’ Sam led the way out.

  ‘Thanks for sticking up for me,’ Ella said. ‘Even if you were a bit rude.’

  ‘I wasn’t rude, Ella, I was firm. I thought one of us had better take the lead. Anyway it’s not like you to be so…wimpy.’

  ‘I’ve got a thumping headache; I think I might just go home now, sorry.’ Ella kept thinking about Hal. And Phoebe. There had to be a logical explanation, didn’t there. Surely he didn’t sleep with his sister.

  Sam hugged her friend. ‘I should probably be putting my feet up now anyway. Maybe I’ll come round and see you later in the week.’

  ‘I’d love that, I really would. I need to get some bedroom curtains, so you could help me choose.’

  Ella went to bed fully clothed when she got home, closed her eyes and slept for two hours. When she awoke she lay in bed thinking about the day; it had started so well. She didn’t know what to think. Ella tried to look on the positive side; at least Sam was better now.

  Sighing and to stop herself thinking too much, she picked up the two building quotes and spread them out on the bed in front of her.

  An hour later she knew that Nathan’s quote was very good value. Too good.

  The knock on the door made her jump. She leapt out of bed and ran down the stairs as the door knocker banged again.

  ‘Hal,’ Ella said as she opened it.

  He gave her a quick look up and down making her aware of her messy hair, her crumpled clothes. He looked as immaculate as usual, smelt divine. Then she remembered how he’d looked sprawled across the bed that morning; the room smelling of stale sex and last night’s pizza.

  ‘Ella,’ he said, stepping into her cottage. ‘How are you?’ His
eyes flicked over her clothes again.

  ‘Been better,’ she said, although the headache had gone.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ He put an arm around her as though she was an old person. She stood rigid and didn’t move. He let go and stepped away.

  ‘Had a few shocks today,’ she said, watching him.

  ‘Oh. Didn’t it go well with the accountant? That’s a shame, a real shame. Tell me all about it; maybe I can help you sort it out. After all, you were expecting a sizeable legacy.’

  In the kitchen Ella’s phone began to ring. She ran to answer it. Hal followed her.

  ‘Ella, it’s Jo.’

  ‘Hi there.’

  ‘I’ve got hold of the landlord,’ Jo said. ‘And to be honest I’m rather confused. He claims he knows you. Claims you’ve come to an arrangement over the studio apartment. He says he’s paid you off.’

  ‘None of that is true,’ Ella said, watching Hal as he strayed closer to her. ‘There must be a mistake.’

  ‘Well, he described you perfectly.’

  ‘I’m average, I could be anybody,’ Ella said, thinking of her mid-brown hair, her blue eyes, her medium build, her medium height.

  Jo hesitated. ‘Maybe,’ she said, tactfully. ‘Trouble is it’s your word against his. I’m in a very difficult position here.’

  ‘Me too,’ Ella said.

  Hal raised his eyebrows and frowned. Ella shook her head in response.

  ‘Are you sure you’ve never met him?’

  ‘Quite sure.’

  ‘Only he lives in the same block as you, well actually he owns the whole block, so you could easily have met him on the stairs. Mr Heddington was quite adamant you’d come to an arrangement.’

  ‘Who?’ Ella felt sick. Hal smiled his devastatingly gorgeous smile at her; his perfect teeth looked freshly whitened.

  ‘Hal Heddington.’

  ‘I thought that’s what you said.’

  ‘So you do know him?’

  ‘Yes. Don’t worry about it. I’ll handle it from here. Thank you for your help.’ Ella ended the call then turned round to Hal and gave him her best, super dazzling smile. It didn’t quite match his.

  ‘Everything all right?’ He was sifting through the supermarket shopping that she’d dumped on the kitchen floor when she came in.

  ‘Give me five minutes. I just need to run up to the loo.’

  ‘Okay. Then did you want to go to dinner?’

  ‘Five minutes,’ Ella said, running out of the room.

  She locked the bathroom door behind her, lifted the toilet seat and threw up. Afterwards she sat on the bathroom floor, panting and crying as she wiped her face with toilet paper. Why was she allowing him to have this affect on her? She was annoyed with herself, annoyed at being duped. Why did he lie? Why did he bother fawning all over her?

  ‘Ella,’ Hal called up the stairs. ‘Everything okay?’

  Ella took a deep breath. ‘Fine. Just coming.’ She flushed the toilet, cleaned her teeth, hurriedly brushed her hair and whipped it into a pony tail, smoothed her clothes and took another deep breath.

  Hal was hovering in the dining room, his hands stroking the old book. He lifted the cover carefully almost as though he expected it to creak.

  ‘Ready,’ Ella chirruped.

  Hal dropped the book cover, turned and gave her a broad smile. ‘That’s better; you’ve brushed your hair. Are you hungry? Could you manage a steak? I know a great little steak house in the next village. Is everything sorted out with your accountant now? Only you seemed a little upset when you were on the phone.’

  ‘That wasn’t my accountant,’ Ella said.

  ‘Oh?’ Hal seemed to be waiting for Ella to elaborate.

  ‘No, it was the letting agent.’

  ‘Ah. I wanted to speak to you about that.’ So now he was found out.

  ‘Speak away,’ Ella said.

  ‘Well, I meant to tell, ask you, if it would be all right to move someone into your old flat. It all happened suddenly, there wasn’t time before he arrived and then…I wanted to tell you myself…’

  ‘So tell me.’

  ‘He’s an old friend,’ Hal said as he started looking around the room. ‘He’s been down on his luck. I felt I just had to help him. There it is.’ Hal spread his arms out wide and grinned at her; he was so gorge that he could almost get away with it. Almost.

  ‘I don’t really care who he is,’ Ella said grinning back at him. ‘Couldn’t care less. Not that I believe he’s an old friend.’

  ‘Oh but…,’ Hal began.

  ‘No but,’ Ella cut in. ‘There are several issues here, shall I list them?’

  Hal looked up at the ceiling but didn’t answer.

  ‘Let’s start with you not telling me you owned my grotty bedsit.’ Ella waited for Hal’s response.

  ‘It didn’t seem relevant,’ he said after a long pause. ‘I like to keep business and pleasure separate.’

  ‘Why did you insist I pay until the end of the month, then re-let to your…friend?’

  ‘I told you that was spur of the moment. My friend…’

  ‘Stop. Let me rephrase that. I meant why did you insist on me paying you until the end of the month? I thought we were,’ she paused, just a beat, ‘friends.’

  ‘The letting agency insisted on it. It’s part of the contract, the rules.’ He raised his hands as though he had no control over it.

  ‘When were you going to tell me you owned my grotty bedsit, the whole block too?’

  ‘Now. I’m telling you now.’

  Ella shook her head. She wasn’t going to argue with him.

  ‘When can I expect my refund? Oh, and my deposit, in full?’

  ‘I’ll get right on to that.’ Hal sounded sheepish. Then he winked at her. ‘But it’s not as if you’re desperate for it. You have plenty of money now. Can’t we just forget about all this and go out for dinner?’ He dazzled her again with his teeth.

  ‘You’re quite good at forgetting, aren’t you Hal?’

  He frowned, shook his head, tilted it to one side.

  ‘How’s Phoebe?’

  ‘Fine, last time I saw her. She went back to London last week.’

  Ella watched his face, not a sign, not a nervous twitch. Nothing.

  ‘You’re a good liar, Hal. Very accomplished.’

  He shook his head a little, a show of indignation; his magnificent mane rippled.

  ‘I don’t know what else you haven’t told me, or lied to me about, but I know about Phoebe.’

  ‘I don’t know what that bastard Nathan Jessop has told you, but don’t believe a word.’ Hal’s voice was confident, liquid, purring.

  Ella shook her head. It was almost funny. ‘After I discovered your friend I went up to your flat, that is the one you live in, because they’re all yours, aren’t they?’

  ‘Mine and the bank’s, Hal muttered, more to himself than Ella.

  ‘Whatever. I came to see you. I wanted your help. I wanted a shoulder to cry on, I wanted support, advice. I wanted you. Guess who answered your door?’ Ella raised her eyebrows and waited for his reply.

  ‘I don’t know. I was at work. All day at work.’

  ‘Work, that’s a new word for it.’

  ‘We haven’t all inherited a fortune, Ella. Some of us have to work for a living.’ His dazzling smile was gone now. Ella could see anger in his eyes.

  ‘You still haven’t answered my question. Who do you think answered the door to your flat?’

  Hal didn’t reply, but he blinked several times.

  ‘Phoebe. That’s who. The lovely Phoebe. Dishevelled, hungover, or worse. Glazed eyes. She was wearing your shirt, the one you had on last night when you came round here. You remember, the lovely pink one I admired.’

  ‘She obviously came back after I’d gone to work. Come on, never mind about my silly sister. Let’s go out. That steak is waiting. Let’s celebrate your money coming through.’ He moved towards her, put his arm around her waist.

  Ella step
ped out of his embrace, turned around, threw back her head and laughed hard. ‘You are so funny,’ she said. ‘You never give up, do you?’

  ‘Ella, come on. Never mind about Phoebe.’

  ‘But I do mind. You see, Phoebe called out to you after she’d answered the door. I followed her in. And there you were, lying in bed, not at work at all. Lying in bed calling out for Phoebe to come back to bed with you.’

  Hal stood in Ella’s dining room, silenced for a moment. His eyes flickered from side to side; Ella could almost see him working on his next lie. He ran a perfectly manicured hand through his pristine hair. How different it had looked on the pillow that morning.

  ‘Obviously that wasn’t me,’ he said. Too late. Much too late.

  ‘Tell me you’ve got an identical twin brother.’

  Hal’s eyes flickered from side to side again; he looked as though he was actually considering it, but before he could answer Ella continued.

  ‘Tell me his name is Hal too,’ she said.

  She heard him exhale slowly through his nostrils.

  ‘Stupid bitch,’ he said. He turned to leave.

  ‘Not quite as stupid as you thought though, eh?’

  He looked her up and down; his top lip curled enough to show off the over-whitened teeth. He flung the front door open, turned back to her. ‘Stupid ugly bitch.’

  ‘And you’re a lying bastard. All smiles and nice smells and underneath it all you’re just a shitty sleaze weasel.

  ‘Fucking stupid ugly bitch,’ Hal said again and stepped out into the night.

  ‘Shitty sleaze weasel,’ Ella shouted.

  Hal never saw what hit him. When he awoke he was propped up in the driving seat of his car, his nose broken and bloodied.

  Nineteen

  ‘Shitty sleaze weasel,’ Charlie repeated between laughs. ‘What the hell is that?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. It just came out.’

  ‘Suits him,’ Sam said, wiping tears from her eyes.

  ‘He called me worse.’

  Sam widened her eyes, waiting to hear what Hal had said.

  ‘I’m not repeating it,’ Ella said. ‘But it was worse than sleaze weasel.’