“You’ve suffered a large hemorrhagic bleed, so we had to perform a small procedure and give you a blood transfusion. During a miscarriage, your body usually passes what we refer to as the sac and placenta naturally.” I watched as she took in my confusion and perched herself on the side of my bed. “Unfortunately, in your case, that natural process didn’t happen and your body continued to bleed extremely heavily in an effort to deal with it, or rather more harshly rid itself of it. We had to complete a procedure known as a dilation and curettage, which involves us going inside and removing the sac and placenta so your body can cope and heal after a miscarriage.”
The information the doctor was throwing at me was becoming more and more bizarre as the conversation progressed. The longer it went on the more I couldn’t believe she was actually talking about me, and questioned whether she was in the right hospital room. I constantly flitted my eyes between hers and Jake’s, wondering if this was really happening.
“It’s a good job your man found you when he did. Your blood pressure was very low due to the heavy blood loss and your body was still trying to complete what was essentially, a natural evacuation of the pregnancy while you were unconscious. We’ve kept you sedated for a couple of hours post op so your body could rest. You were really dehydrated, too, and we had a bit of trouble bringing your blood pressure up during the procedure, hence the blood transfusion. Everything seems normal now, though.”
Normal.
This was not normal in any way.
“You’ll continue to bleed a little bit over the next couple of weeks, but it will cease after a while and your menstrual cycle should return to normal in about six weeks.
Normal.
There was that word again.
I still hadn’t said anything and the doctor was doing as she was trained, ploughing on with the details until I asked a question or intervened with emotion.
“I estimate that your pregnancy was only very early, less than eight weeks, but it gets difficult to tell when all the other stuff is going on. I know it’s hard to hear, but these things happen pretty regularly. Normal, healthy women miscarry with their first conception in around fifteen to twenty percent of cases. Everything in the OR went well and I see no medical reason why this may have happened.”
“So if there is no medical reason, what else could it be?” Jake asked finally asking a question. In all honesty, I was still too spooked to do it, so it was a good job someone took the initiative.
“We tend not to assume anything could be medically wrong unless it occurs a second time, although if and when you both try again, the doctor will be sure to keep an extra keen eye on you. Some people say some things aren’t meant to be and some say it’s an act of God.”
All I heard in that sentence was ‘some things aren’t meant to be’.”
Not. Meant. To. Be.
And finally, that was when my reaction kicked in. Fate had its mystical place in everyone and everything, and strangely, of all the fact and procedure detail I’d heard tonight, it was something as fickle as fate that set me off and finally made me cry.
“Would you like for me to arrange some additional support for you both? The loss of a baby, even one you didn’t know about yet, can be very emotional for both Mom and Dad. Talking can really help.”
Jake looked at me, or at least I thought he did. He was a bit blurry through my watery eyes. I felt so lost and ashamed and bereft. This was such a shock and I still had come to terms with it.
“I think we’ll talk together first if that’s okay, Doctor. We know where to find you if we need that other help,” Jake told her.
“The important thing is to give yourself time to heal. I really am very sorry for your loss. Sometimes this job is just the worst. You’ll be with us for a little while longer, just until we’re happy that you’re healing and we’re certain you don’t need another transfusion. I’ll leave you two to talk. Please buzz the nurse’s station if you need anything. I’ll be back to check on you later.”
The doctor walked out and I started to sob again, feeling a heartache I knew I didn’t deserve to feel. Jake was by my side in an instant, taking me in his arms.
“Fuck, Lace, you scared the shit out of me. Can you imagine what it was like finding you? There was so much blood. The spa called the police. They thought I’d tried to murder you.”
“I… I… Oh God, I’m…”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant? If I’d have known you were so ill, I wouldn’t have left you in your room alone.”
I couldn’t answer him. There was so much swarming inside me that I wasn’t sure I could piece it together enough to talk about it. The overwhelming feeling was that of sheer grief. I’d been carrying a life, something precious. I knew it was made out of love, at least on my part, and I wasn’t strong enough to keep it safe and protect it.
“You should know that Lottie is on her way over. I’m actually surprised she’s not…” Before Jake could finish his sentence, the door flew open and in walked a flustered Lottie, followed by a moody looking Oli. Jake released me from his embrace and Lottie replaced him immediately.
“Shh shh, come on. It’s okay, we’ll make it better.” Her soothing words did little to stop the distress I was working through. The scent of her perfume and the familiar arms that had held me in times of pain and sorrow over the last few years were rocking me until I heard her shoes hit the floor and she climbed on the bed beside me.
“How the fuck could you, Jake?” I heard Oli say with disappointment lacing his tone.
“Oli, I,” Jake began.
“I don’t want to fucking hear it. We trusted you with her. I knew all along you were a motherfucking player and still, I let you lead her around. We had an agreement. You were supposed to watch out for her, keep her safe, not knock her up and then leave her to bleed half to death. Get the fuck out of here before I do something I regret.”
“No!” I shouted. I couldn’t have Jake taking this on his back. It wasn’t his fault. It was all mine, and he didn’t deserve to be treated this way.
Jake came walking over to me and took one of my hands. “Lacey, it’s okay. You just rest. I’ll go and leave you with your family. We’ll talk about this when you’re ready. I’m okay with this.”
I knew what he was telling me. Jake knew me better than anyone else. If I couldn’t tell him I was pregnant then he knew Lottie and Oli wouldn’t be any more informed, and until I was ready, he was happy to take the blame on his shoulders. He looked deep into my eyes and then leaned in to kiss my forehead before hearing Oli finally begin to lose a grip on his patience.
“Why the fuck are you still here?”
And on that final note, Jake turned and left the hospital room, still wearing the bloodied clothes from earlier, taking with him all the blame and responsibility that should have sat firmly on my shoulders.
I clung to Lottie, as much for comfort as to hide. I was too ashamed to look at Oli. He was angry and he’d have been even more disappointed if he’d known the truth.
“Oli, I’m not sure that was appropriate. She’s in enough pain as it is without you kicking him out,” Lottie said.
“It was him or me, baby, and his actions have proved he doesn’t deserve to be with her. She needs her family, those that really care about her, to see her through this. And anyway, I figured busting his nose wouldn’t help how she was feeling either.”
“Animal. Make yourself useful and go to the spa and pack up her things. I’m staying here until she’s released and then Jake can drive us home. I’ll be the one having a chat with him,” she whispered.
Oli’s reply was laced with a sense of pride. “Does that put him in any less danger of getting his ass kicked?”
“Probably not, but I want to get to the bottom of all of this before I get home. When we leave this place, we leave with clear heads so that we can figure out how to move forward. Not worrying that my hot headed husband is going to be arrested for murder.”
“O
kay,” he finally agreed and then I felt one of his large hands take one of my petite ones in his. “Sweetheart, we love you. You’re not alone in this. We’ll get through this as a family.” And in a similar gesture to Jake’s, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to my hair before exiting the room.
I fell asleep in Lottie’s arms, crying and wondering why the chance to have my very own family had been ripped away from me. I would have loved that baby like they were the most precious thing on the planet. I would have made them feel like they deserved to be loved every single second of every day. Falling pregnant by accident was never on anyone’s bucket list, but I would have made it work. I would have rocked being a single mom, because there would be no scenario on this earth that would have made me treat that little bundle of unexpected joy like my own mother had treated me.
I would have kept Tommy out of it if that was what he wanted. I would have respected his wishes and gone it alone, knowing that my version of alone would feature Oli, Lottie and the rest of the kids at Grove House.
But I didn’t get that chance. God didn’t think I deserved that chance.
Tommy had decided he didn’t want me. He’d killed the feeling of destiny I’d had that Carly and I deserved to be in each other’s lives to love each other, but the ultimate blow was this. Finding out I’d lost our baby had broken me. The little rubber band that had been stretching and stretching to deal with all the emotional turmoil had finally snapped, ripping my heart out with it and in turn, any hope of feeling that kind of love again.
There was only one way to survive this, and that was to cut myself off. Go back to the robotic version of Lacey who dealt with a problem and moved on. Dealt with the next problem and moved on, until it was the natural order, the little girl who had learned to compartmentalize everything so it didn’t all join up and take me under. Deal with everything as individual parts, so I could continue to function as a member of the human race and above all, try with all my might to never, ever expose my heart to those feelings again.
Feelings were my weakness and in the spirit of my mother, I needed to try to cut them out and leave them behind.
Lacey Talbot
Leaving the hospital was tough. I was weak, tired and emotionally drained. Lottie changed her mind about having Jake drive us home, and Oli was only too happy to dismiss him. They figured that being around him would not help my emotional state. He protested, as I knew he would, but ultimately the extra animosity of having him in the same space as Oli wasn’t helping the situation. In the end, I asked him to leave and could see that he was heartbroken by my action. He knew there was more to this than the others anticipated and wanted to be around as it unraveled to help me deal with it. As we hugged goodbye, I cried again, thanking him for everything and for always being there, telling him I’d be in touch to talk and explain everything. As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them. I knew I was never going to tell him everything.
The car journey home was stifling to say the least. Oli was struggling to hide his disappointment in me and Lottie seemed so worried that she didn’t know where to start or how to deal with either of us. They still saw me as the young girl they’d first met at Sunnyside who needed love and stability, protecting from the real world, when what I really needed was to get a grip of my own emotions and figure out the way forward that was best for me.
When we finally arrived home after a journey that felt a thousand miles long, Oli continued to treat me like a wayward child, and it hurt that I’d damaged our relationship so much. I retreated to my room, hoping it would ease the pressure to deal with it all, and felt immediate comfort in the familiar surroundings. My old threadbare PJ’s were like a soothing balm to my troubled soul and as Lottie helped me get ready for bed, I prayed she’d leave without any interrogation.
I fell asleep instantly, surrounded by calm and peace, but was woken up some time later by aggressive shouting that I knew immediately was Jake and Oli.
“You cannot be serious coming here.”
“Oli…” Jake began.
“Mr. Hart to you, you disrespectful piece of shit.”
I stood cowering by my bedroom door, imagining Jake trying to keep his cool. When he was faced with a bad situation, he always channeled his twin brother Jack. Jack was the one who was able to remain cool headed and keep his temper under control.
“Mr. Hart, I need to see if she’s okay.”
“She’s not fucking okay. She was bleeding out or have you forgotten that already?”
Then I heard a voice I knew meant things were getting serious. Jonas Drakeson. Jake had brought his big brother for support. Jonas and Oli were best friends and they would never normally have involved him, but doing so meant two things. Firstly, Jake understood just how disappointed Oli was in him and secondly, he had to have shared what had happened to me in order to get his support, and that was mortifying.
I had to step in. I was an adult and couldn’t let Lottie and Oli control my life or how I recovered any more than I could let Jake take the blame for something that wasn’t his fault. I rushed down the stairs and had to stop at the bottom to gather myself. I was still recovering from surgery and blood loss, and even with a transfusion, it didn’t take much for me to become light headed.
“Please stop. Don’t take it out on him,” I whispered.
“You should be lying down,” Lottie said.
“I will, but Jake and I need to talk.”
“Over my dead body,” Oli snapped.
“Ol…” I heard Jonas mutter and then it all went quiet as the two best friends regarded each other.
“Okay, you have five minutes, then you leave.”
I gestured for Jake to follow me upstairs and without looking at any of the other adults in the room, I turned and left. When we reached my bedroom, I retreated back to the bed and climbed under the covers. Jake looked worried, but followed and sat beside me, caging me into the tucked bed sheets.
“I just needed to check you were okay. Not knowing what’s going on is kind of killing me. I hate to ask questions, but I’m kind of in the middle of something and I don’t know which way is up.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I didn’t know.”
As if he sensed I was struggling with the words, he put his arm around me and pulled me in close, offering me the safety of his understanding to try to help me talk about things.
“Didn’t know you were pregnant?”
“No. I had no idea. Looking back now, I realize I’d been feeling funny a day or so before you arrived and I’d been sick a couple of times, but I thought I was exhausted and had the stomach flu.”
He continued to hold me. “You know we used to tell each other everything, but for you to be pregnant, that would mean I’ve failed big time on my body guard duties.” He smiled. “Who is he?”
“No one.”
“Really? Because if I piece back the last few weeks and months, I’d say you’ve been different. You were having mystery dates and keeping things from me and I fucking hate that.”
“It’s over,” I told him even though it hurt to say the words. “It was never really on. Some things just get out of control, you know?”
“I do. Who is he?”
“Please don’t ask me again. I’m not ready to talk about him and I’m not sure I ever will be. It’s in the past and I’m sorry they assumed you were responsible. I will put them right on that.”
“If you can’t tell me then I’m assuming you won’t tell them either. You’re just going to worry Oli and Lottie even more, and while I have no desire to be black balled by the mighty Mr. Hart, I care about you more. You’re my best friend and I love you, Lacey. If it means helping you deal with what’s happened, I will be the bad guy.”
I turned to look up at him, seeing the sincerity in his eyes. “Why couldn’t it have been you?” The sincere look was replaced with one of shock and panic. “Relax, I didn’t mean it like that. I just mean things would have been easier to explain and possibl
y simpler all round.”
“Phew! Thank fuck for that. I thought you were trying to pick me up then. I mean, I know I said I love you, but hell, you’re emotional and I’m trying to stop a kind of step-father from finding the keys to his gun cabinet. I don’t have time to let you down gently and then learn how to stay friends with an unrequited love.” Jake started laughing again.
“Did you tell Jonas?”
“I did, although he still thinks I knocked you up so I will get a kicking at some point. I think he’s here purely on protection duty, either that or to stop Oli from getting to punch me first. I love it when people fight over me, but I usually prefer them to be of the skirt wearing sex.”
“Shit, I’ll tell them.” I went to get out of the wrapped bed sheets.
“No, you won’t. I can handle it. Jonas has been waiting for me to fuck up. You need to take care of you first and don’t hate me when I say this, Lacey.”
I looked at him again. He was one hell of a handsome guy. He may have been a complete man whore but as a best friend, he was perfect. He’d stepped in and taken this on his shoulders when he didn’t need to. The girl who finally managed to make him burn his little black book was going to need to be something special.
“I saw what losing your baby did to you and I don’t mean the blood, although that was fucking horrific. I mean the loss, the realization that something you didn’t even know you wanted was no longer an option for you. Whoever he is, he must have meant a lot to you.” I nodded in agreement, jamming my lips shut and blinking rapidly to try to maintain some sense of control. “You need to tell him, Lacey. Tell him what happened, because if there’s any chance you two can make things right, he needs to know what you’ve been through. Those kinds of secrets can kill something before it even begins.”
“I promise you he won’t want to know.”
“He may just surprise you, and in any case, why should we be the only ones suffering?”
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