SHIVER: 13 Sexy Tales of Humor and Horror

by Liv Morris

  Bob looked at his card. “I’m Bob and I was the AV guy in high school. I went on to become a high-profile director. I’m the one being murdered.” Bob read the card without enthusiasm.

  Renee and I couldn’t contain our chuckles. It was a slightly cliché that Bob was being the one murdered considering he was the oldest person in the room. Sean and Marie probably just looked at his age on the questionnaire and stereotyped him for the role.

  “Great,” Sean did a fist pump into the air. “Now we can go one by one and say who we are and how we are connected to the director’s death. I’ll begin. My character was the hall monitor in high school. I give the instructions and lead you through the murder investigation.”

  “So you have no connection to the death? I asked.

  “Correct.”

  “Then I say you did it,” I continued.

  “Did what? The murder?”

  “Yes. Isn’t it obvious? It’s the whole whoever smelled it, dealt it.”

  “Umm, I’m confused,” Sean said with a look of puzzlement on his face.

  “You say you had nothing to do it with it. In the Law and Order Special Crimes unit that automatically makes you a prime suspect.”

  Sean looked nervous when I said this, which fascinated me since this was just a game. “No, I can assure you that I had nothing to do with this. Why don’t we move on to Marie’s character.”

  Marie looked at her husband with big eyes and shifted from side to side. Perhaps the woman had too much caffeine before we got here.

  “I’m Marie and I’m in the marching band. After high school, I started my own music studio and wrote and produced music in my spare time. My motive for the murder was providing a score of music to the director, but never got paid the royalties for the music she created.”

  “Because the music probably sucked,” I said to Renee under my breath.

  It was Debbie’s turn. “Hi again, y’all. I’m Debbie and I was the class drama queen. I was real popular in high school and was the lead in all the school plays. After high school, I moved to Los Angeles where I met ‘the director’ in hopes he would advance my career, but he didn’t, and I was forced to take a job as a porn star. I always blamed the director for my downfall.”

  “Maybe if she spread her legs for the director, she wouldn’t be in that position.” Renee swatted my arm and gave me a low shush.

  “Renee, why don’t you two go next,” Sean said.

  Renee stood proudly, reading off her card. “I’m Renee and I was the captain of the pom-pom squad. I was so good that after high school, I went off to community college and became a famous choreographer. My relation to the murder is blackmail. That’s all I can say right now.”

  Next was Destiny and Sam. Destiny smacked her gum as she spoke. “I’m Destiny and I was the head cheerleader and homecoming queen. But in high school I was best friends with the jock and ended up marrying him.

  Destiny winked at Miles because she overheard him say he was the jock. I couldn’t help the eye roll. It was then Sam’s turn to take the floor.

  “Wait,” Raj interrupted. “Isn’t being a cheerleader and a pom-pom girl the same thing?”

  “Umm, not even close.” Renee put her hands on her hips and looked at Raj. “Cheerleading and pom-poms are two totally different things. Poms are more about dancing than cheering and Poms is less important.”

  That comment prompted Destiny to throw dagger eyes at Renee.

  “Yo, I’m Sam. My card says in high school I was the class flirt. I guess that’s right since I was a named that in my real high school.”

  I leaned toward Renee and murmured, “He went to high school? I thought for sure he was born in a barn.”

  “Maybe there was a school inside the barn. Something like Animal Farm?”

  “What the fuck is Animal Farm?”

  She looked at me as if I’d just asked the most absurd question.

  “Animal Farm, by George Orwell. It’s a novel where the dictator pig takes over the farm.”

  “Well, you got the pig part right.”

  Sam continued. “Now I’m all grown up and shit. I own and run an online dating service. It says here… wait, what the fuck?”

  “What’s wrong, babe?” Destiny asked.

  “It says I was having a secret affair with the director, but now I have a thing with the newspaper guy.” He continued to look at the card and scratch is chin. “Who’s the newspaper guy?”

  Ryan raised his hand proudly and smiled. “Looks like you were into all sorts of pants during high school.” He gave a wink at Sam.

  I barked out a laugh, but quickly covered it up with a cough.

  “Hey, I’m not into dudes,” Sam said, grabbing his junk as if to stake some masculine ground.

  “It’s just a game, babe,” Destiny said, trying to comfort a displeased Sam.

  “That’s perfect timing to introduce the next person. Ryan, will you tell us about your character?” Sean said.

  “Sure. I’m Ryan and I was the head of the high school newspaper. Now I’m a top reporter for the Wall Street Journal, and I’m a big supporter of the class president because now he’s running for Congress.” He gave Raj a high five.

  “You wouldn’t know what to do with the Wall Street Journal if it bit you in the ass,” Tom complained.

  “We’ll you bit my ass this morning when you were trying to gain access to it, and it seems I know how to handle you,” Ryan retorted. “Why don’t you go next, sassy pants.

  “Fine,” Tom moaned. “I was head of the math team in high school, and now I’m some big accountant. Even though I should have been the head of the newspaper, but you don’t always get want you want.”

  “Especially when you whine like a bitch,” Ryan said under his breath.

  Raj cut in before another Ryan and Tom argument occurred. “I’m Raj and I was the class president.”

  “Stereotype,” I said, trying to hide it in a cough. Miles nudged my arm and gave me the naughty look, but Raj smiled at me, understanding I was just joking around.

  “After high school, I studied political science and now I’m running for Congress. Apparently, I asked the director for financial backing and he flaked on me.”

  “He’s a dickweed,” I said.

  “What’s a dickweed?” Renee asked.

  “A dickweed in someone who is a total dick and continues to be a dick like a growing weed,” I said.

  “Well, that certainly clears things up.”

  I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

  Miles and I told the rest of the group what our cards said. Ryan couldn’t contain his laughter when he found out my role was the school punk. I don’t think he’ll still be laughing when this class punk gives him a big atomic bomb size wedgie.

  Sean interrupted our banter. “Now we know who everyone is, it’s time to play the game!”

  Well, since I forced to be a part of these shenanigans, I was going to use my punk status to the fullest.

  Chapter 7

  Our character debriefing was only the first phase of the game. Sean gave Raj an envelope he was supposed to open and read to the group. I wasn’t quite sure why Raj was given the distinct honors, but Sean said he had to excuse himself to prepare for the next phase of the game. I suspected he was going to get some ketchup to throw on Bob to make it look like a real murder. I had to remind myself it was supposed to be a dead body and not a hamburger. Although, if you threw some lettuce and a pickle on there, Bob might turn out to be a tasty treat.

  Raj opened the envelope and quickly looked over the contents.

  “Because I was the class president and now a politician, it’s my job to tell you all about the next phase of the game.”

  “Wait!” Sam called out. “Can I take a quick piss break before we’re lectured, Mr. President?”

  “Can’t it wait?” Raj crossed his arms over his chest and started tapping his foot.

  “Unless someone is playing the part of the school janitor and wants to
clean up my piss from the floor, no it can’t.”

  Sam sprinted out of the room and for some reason Destiny followed him out.

  “Can he not pee without someone holding his dick for him?” I said to Miles.

  “Maybe his dick is so huge he needs help holding it.”

  “I’m going with the idea that his dick is so small, he needs someone’s help trying to find it,” I countered.

  Ten minutes passed and Destiny returned to the room, looking disheveled, and Sam followed, looking sated. I had no doubt they took the time in the middle of the game to go play their own game of how far can Sam stick his cock into Destiny’s mouth. Even the thought of that made me want to toss my cookies.

  “Now that you’re finished in the loo, may I continue?” Raj asked, sighing heavily.

  “Carry on, Mr. President,” Sam said while readjusting himself.

  Raj shook his head and started reading what was in the letter.

  , opened the envelope, and removed the paper inside. “It’s been twenty years since we graduated high school, and we’ve all have come a long way.”

  “Do you come a long way?” Sam snickered at his crude joke.

  I groaned. “Who invited the ten-year-old?”

  “You’re just jealous because your man can’t shoot like a pro,” Destiny said as she tried defending Sam’s honor.

  Oh, that’s how she was going to play it? The punk in me certainly couldn’t let that one slide. “It’s true. I don’t like to wash my hair with come shampoo just because my man overshoots his mark.”

  Renee laughed and Ryan snapped is fingers in an oh no, she didn’t style.

  “If you two cats are finished, put your claws away so I can finish,” Raj said.

  I crossed my arms over my chest, and I could have sworn Destiny stuck out her tongue. Apparently someone invited a ten-year-old boy and girl to the party.

  Raj continued. “Among us tonight, we have everyone from a Hollywood director to an acclaimed accountant.”

  “That should have been a newspaper reporter,” Tom mumbled.

  “You put your claws away too, big man.” Raj said, speaking slowly to annunciate each word.

  “As graduates, we have all chosen different paths, but they all started right here in high school. Throughout this mystery you can use bribery, extortion, blackmail, or whatever means necessary to find the guilty party. Good luck and may the force be with you.”

  “It really says that?” Miles asked.

  “No, I added it for dramatic effect,” Raj said.

  And without warning the lights went out, stranding us in the dark. Miles grabbed my arm, and I felt mushy inside from his protectiveness. Either that or Sam was trying to cop a feel, in which case his arm would be detached from the rest of him when the lights came back on.

  I room was lit once again, and Bob was lying on the floor with his tongue hanging out.

  “Really, Bob? That’s the best dead body you can give us?” Debbie said in her southern twang.

  Bob lifted his head and looked at her. “Being dead ain’t easy.”

  “I’m sure it isn’t when your gold-digging wife drains you’re fortune away after you die,” I whispered to Miles.

  “I’m sure she’s disappointed it wasn’t a real murder,” he replied.

  Sean came back into the room and clapped his hands once to grab our attention. “As you can see, there has been a murder. The victim is your old classmate who was a famous director. At this time I ask for your full cooperation during this investigation. I have another envelope for each of you, containing information, evidence, and objects to help you conduct your investigation. Play the game wisely and make sure your secrets are not revealed. I will present evidence I have found in which everyone will get a chance to examine.”

  Sean fumbled with a manila envelope, which I guessed contained the evidence. It’s probably what he was doing while Raj was preaching. He pulled out a few small cards.

  “These are business cards found in the victim’s wallet. The cards are that of the accountant, the musician, the punk, and the actress.”

  “Let me see my business card. Does it at least look good? Does it say Moxie the Punk? Or does it say Le Punk de Moxie?”

  “It’s a blank card,” Renee said.

  “I’m firing my graphic designer,” I said with irritation.

  “There is an invoice for payment,” Sean continued. “It’s from the victim’s accountant, and it shows the victim owed the musician a great deal of money.”

  “At least I’m doing my fucking job right,” Tom snarled.

  “These pictures were handed over by the punk. She claims she’d been tracking the flirt on the victim’s behalf and discovered his affair with the editor of the newspaper.”

  “I still don’t think I’d stick it in a dude,” Sam huffed and turned his back to the group like he was a small child having a tantrum.

  “I have a feeling if it walks, you’d stick it in it,” I slapped him on the back like we were old buddies joking around with each other.

  “Hey, I’ve got limits.”

  “You’re right. House plants are an exception.”

  Sean cut off our sparring. “Finally, there is the blackmail note that was provided by the musician. It was found earlier tonight. I will give you all a chance to look at all the evidence. Afterward, take all you have learned and think it over. The investigation will continue in the morning. I wish you all a good evening.”

  I walked over to the table where Sean placed the note.

  If you don’t do what I want, I will expose

  your secret and your career will be over!

  Really? That’s it? I was hoping it would say something like what we passed in junior high: Do you want me to bribe you? Circle yes, no, or maybe.

  “This all has been very exciting, but I’m ready to hit the hay, or hit Sam, whatever comes first,” I told Renee.

  “I’m with you. I have to go plot out all the evidence and post it on the wall, then take string and attach the clues together like they do in crime shows,” she said.

  “Seriously?” I looked at her in amazement.

  “Fuck no, I’m probably going to give Raj a blow job then go to bed.” She smiled like the Cheshire cat.

  That plan sounded like something I could get on board with. I walked over to Miles who was taking to Ryan.

  “Hey, are you ready to go to bed.” I gave him a wink.

  “Yeah, I just need to talk to Ryan for a bit. I’ll meet you up there.”

  I felt disappointed that Miles didn’t scoop me up and drag me up the stairs like Rhett Butler did in Gone with the Wind. Well, fiddledeedee.

  I walked up the stairs while talking to Debbie, but not actually listening to anything she said, just ogling at the rocks wrapped around her fingers and neck. She had to have had an entire diamond mine plastered to her body. I caught some basic words of the conversation. Cows, charity, Bob’s prostate…

  I was in luck as my room was the closer to the stairs then Debbie’s was and I could escape Debbie before I had to hear any more about Bob’s genitals. I was about to strip my clothes off when I noticed a piece of paper on the bed and I picked it up.

  In the kitchen you will find a desert that is so fine.

  Something that will make your mouth water.

  And it has nothing to do with this high school alma-mater.

  Your clue awaits at 1:30 a.m. in the kitchen.

  I rolled my eyes and put the note in the drawer of the side table. Sean was going to taste my shoe after I stuck it so far up is ass for this stunt. Really? One thirty in the fucking morning? I would have completely ignored this except for one thing: I was in it to win it.

  Chapter 8

  At about one thirty in the morning, my phone alarm vibrated, waking me so I could follow through on the mystery note. I had a serious bone to pick with Sean for pulling this stunt. Maybe I’d slip some milk of magnesia in his oatmeal. I peered at the other side of the bed to a sleeping M
iles. I could have roused him for a quickie before I trotted downstairs. But I was out to win this game, so I didn’t share my secret clue.

  I slid out of bed and put my bra, shirt, and sweatpants on. No need to scare the house ghost I was sure haunted the place because of my jiggling triple D love mounds. I supposed if it came down to it, I could always use them as weapons. Sometimes they felt like heavy boulders. I padded my way across the dark room and made sure the bedroom door didn’t squeak. The creaking stairs proved to be another feat. I took one step at a time, cringing if the steps made a popping noise. I finally hit the bottom of the stairs and glanced back up to see if I woke anyone up using my stealthy ninja techniques.

  The house was dark and I made a mental note to talk to Marie about getting some night lights in place before they got sued by someone breaking their neck. However, that would make the murder mystery game more authentic if someone actually kicked the bucket. I looked at the note again to remind myself of my task.

  Obviously, I was supposed to head to the kitchen for something. Maybe I’d be surprised with cupcakes with cream cheese frosting! I shook my head to clear my thoughts. Focus! I looked around for the kitchen. When I found it, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, and I was thoroughly disappointed my fantasy cupcakes were not waiting for me. I looked on the granite countertops for any notes left behind. I even searched through the cabinets. I huffed in frustration because I could have been sleeping in my warm bed next to my man meat, but instead I was chasing an empty clue.

  “Find what you’re looking for?” a deep voice said from behind me.

  A deep voice I was well acquainted with. A deep voice that usually whispered dirty things in my ears.

  “Don’t turn around. I like the view from behind,” he said.

  “I’m supposed to be searching for a clue for this stupid ass game,” I waved my hands around the kitchen, then felt along the counter top to see if anything was there.

  “There was a note left for you in our room?”

  “Yes. I’m going to have a serious talk with Sean and Marie about their game tactics.”

  “Maybe they didn’t write the note.”

  “Oh, then who did?”