SHIVER: 13 Sexy Tales of Humor and Horror

by Liv Morris

  Homicide was rare in the small town of Pleasant Valley, and half of the police force had turned up to view the body, which equaled a total of about six people. And by the looks of their Halloween costumes, most of them had been off duty that night. At least, he hoped they were in costume. Otherwise, Darth Vader, Dracula, and a zombie had just showed up to the crime scene.

  Mac was the lead detective and the first on the scene. He was wearing an orange t-shirt that read “This Is My Halloween Costume.” He’d cordoned off the area and just handed the yellow crime scene tape to Finn.

  Mac bent down and cut enough of the plastic away to view the face of the murdered victim. Male, late sixties, greying and paunchy. Looked like the type of man who’d been married for thirty years and never missed a meatloaf dinner with his wife.

  Finn had texted Jake a few minutes earlier, and was surprised when he and Sunny walked in and approached the body. He was also surprised that they were wearing matching Batman and Batgirl outfits.

  “You got here fast. I just sent up the Bat-Signal.”

  “We were at the Halloween party across the street,” Jake said, surveying the scene. “What happened?”

  “Dude, I don’t know if I can take you seriously when you’re wearing tights.”

  Jake grinned. “They came with the costume.”

  “And you paid money for this?”

  “We already had the costumes.”

  Finn held up his hands in surrender. “I do not want to know what kind of kinky superhero stuff you two get into. At least not until I’ve had a beer or two.”

  Sunny laughed. “It’s not like that. We got these costumes when we went undercover at Comic-Con last summer. They were a gift from one of your clients. But Jake definitely rocks the Batman outfit. Tights and all.”

  Jake lowered his voice, imitating Batman. “I’ll take you to my Batcave later and show you the backseat of the Batmobile.”

  “Seriously,” Finn said. “Dude, we’re working a case here.”

  “Sorry,” Jake said, still using the deep Batman voice. He grinned then sobered as Finn gave him a look. “What have we got?”

  “Dead guy. Early sixties. Had a gal come into my office earlier today claiming her husband was missing because he didn’t come home for dinner last night. She also talked to Zia, and we think this guy might be connected to that jewelry heist,” Finn said to both Jake and Mac.

  Before either man could comment, a commotion by the door had them looking up to see Phyllis, the woman who had stopped by his office earlier, pressing against the outstretched arms of Darth Vader and demanding to see the corpse. Finn had a sneaking suspicion that Zia had called her after they found the body. He looked her way, arching an eyebrow, and was rewarded with a Who, me? expression and a shrug of her shoulders.

  Damn. He’d been this close to having those shoulders bared and pinned to the floor under him. He still couldn’t believe he had been about to have crazy sex in a closet with a psychic. Could this night get any stranger?

  He was standing next to a dead body across from his partner, who was dressed in a Batman costume, and a zombie was taking down a statement from an incredibly gorgeous woman who wanted to rip his clothes off and claimed to be able to talk to dead people. Yeah, that sounded about as strange as it could get.

  Another loud ruckus at the door of the building and he looked up to see Dracula trying to hold back a tiny woman with an outrageously stuffed chest wearing a pink cowboy hat, a huge blonde wig, and orthopedic shoes.

  Nope, he was wrong. This night could get stranger.

  Mac waved off the officer, and the woman rushed up to him. “Edna, who the heck are you supposed to be?”

  “Why, Dolly Parton, of course,” she declared in a thick Southern accent, and shimmied her chest at him.

  Her shimmy made a squeaking sound, and it didn’t take much of a detective to deduce two balloons were the source of her newfound chest.

  Mac held up a hand. “Don’t ever do that again or I will arrest you. What are you doing here, anyway? Do those things come with a built-in police scanner? I swear, nothing happens in this town without you hearing about it first.”

  “I knew that Finn and Zia’d had some trouble over here earlier today, and I just felt that something was wrong. I am a bit of psychic myself. Well, more of an intuitive. I just feel things.”

  Mac’s face remained passive as he stared at her, not saying a word.

  She fidgeted, shifting from one foot to the other, causing another squeak of her balloon boobs. “Oh, all right. I was at the Halloween party across the street and saw the police cars.”

  Holy crap. Was the whole town at this Halloween party across the street? An image of the lusty pirate and his busty nurse popped into Finn’s mind, and he wondered if the pirate had scored his bounty yet or if he was still looking for the treasure.

  Edna pointed at Mac’s shirt and gave him a disapproving look. “Mac, I’m a little disappointed in this costume of yours. Couldn’t you have put a little effort into it? I mean, really, it’s not that hard. You could have been a cowboy or a lumberjack. I bet you could dig up a flannel shirt.” Finn figured this was a distraction technique, and he had to give the old lady props.

  A cry of anguish interrupted their discussion as Phyllis looked down at the plastic-wrapped corpse. Her hands fluttered around her face as she repeated his name. “Morty. Oh no. Morty.”

  Edna wrapped an arm around the woman. “I’m so sorry, honey. Was this your husband?”

  Phyllis nodded as tears streaked down her face. “We’ve been married forty years, and Morty never misses a meal. I knew something was wrong when he didn’t come home for supper last night.”

  “Do you know of anyone that would want to hurt your husband?”

  “He was a good man. He used to run with some shady fellows, but he got away from that life when the kids were little. One of the old guys, Stan, just got out of prison and had been hanging around lately. I told Morty not to get mixed up with those old guys again, but he wouldn’t listen to me.”

  “Men never listen.” Edna patted her shoulder. “What kind of trouble were they getting into, honey?”

  “I’m not sure. Stan would come over and they would go down in the basement. I tried to listen at the door, and I think it had something to do with a jewelry store. Morty had been really jumpy lately, but when I asked him about what was going on, he said he was fine, just taking care of some business.”

  “What kind of business do you think it was?”

  Mac cleared his throat. “Edna, you do realize that I actually work for the police? And there are two private investigators standing here as well. Would it be all right with you if one of us asked a question?” He looked at Finn and Jake for support.

  Finn shrugged. “I thought she was doing all right on her own. I was about to add her to the payroll.”

  Mac rolled his eyes and took Phyllis by the elbow, leading her away from the corpse of her husband. “Ma’am, why don’t you come over here and have a seat and I’ll take your statement.”

  “Poor Phyllis. I had a bad feeling about her husband when she was here earlier today.” Zia had crossed the room and now stood by Finn’s shoulder.

  “Did you have a bad feeling like maybe his corpse was in the closet next to us?” Finn asked. “That would have been a helpful feeling.”

  “I did have a bad feeling when we were in the closet, but I couldn’t focus because I was being distracted.”

  “What were you guys doing in the closet?” Jake asked.

  Edna leaned in, her nosy radar on high. “And what was distracting you?”

  Warmth spread up Finn’s neck, and he actually felt flustered. “Nothing. We caught a couple in the closet making out. A guy dressed like a pirate and a gal in a naughty nurse costume. They were drunk and had come from the same party that evidently half the town is at tonight.”

  “Yeah, I saw those guys earlier. Well, I saw the naughty nurse. She might have been with a pirate. I
didn’t notice much beyond her medical enhancements.” Jake laughed and earned a slug in the ribs from Sunny.

  The medical examiner walked in the front door and headed for the body. He was dressed like the Grim Reaper, and pushed a stretcher in front of him. He nodded at Finn. “Looks like this guy got the trick instead of the treat.”

  “Nice costume, Bob. Very fitting.” Finn waved a hand at the front door. “I suppose you were at the party across the street.”

  Bob, or Grim, nodded. “Oh yeah. The place is hopping. I think the whole town is over there.”

  “I think you’re right.”

  It took the Grim Reaper about fifteen minutes to load the body and wheel it out the door. The police finished up and left a short time later.

  Mac left Phyllis with Edna and crossed the room to shake Finn’s hand. “I’ve done all I can tonight. We’ll lock down the place and I’ll get some guys over here again tomorrow to see if they can dig anything else up. I’m going to head back to the station. See if I can connect Morty up to the robbery at the jewelry store and try to track down this Stan friend of his. Phyllis gave me a good description, and if he just got out of lockup, it shouldn’t be too hard to figure out who he is.”

  The officer waved at Sunny and Zia then shook hands with Jake. “Thanks for coming over, Batman. I’ll sleep better knowing you’re protecting our fair city.” He nodded at Finn. “I’ll be by tomorrow.”

  “Okay, listen up,” Zia said as the building door shut behind Mac. She pointed at Finn. “We tried it your way and did the whole stakeout thing. Now let’s try it mine. I know Morty’s spirit is in this building. That’s why my EMF reader was going crazy. I think he’s the one responsible for trashing our offices, and his spirit is staying here because it’s trying to tell us something.”

  “How do you figure his ghost is the one who trashed our offices? If he was in cahoots with this Stan guy, then maybe he was the one who wrecked them. It seems a mighty big stretch to go from a dead body to a vandalizing ghost. Besides, we don’t even know if Morty was involved in the robbery of the jewelry store.”

  “Yes, we do.” Edna appeared next to Zia, her arm wrapped around Phyllis’s waist. “Phyllis just told me the whole story. Tell them what you told me.”

  Phyllis stared at the floor, wringing her hands.

  “It’s okay, honey,” Edna assured her. “You can trust them. They’re good people.”

  “Morty was a good man. He just made some bad decisions,” Phyllis stammered.

  “What kind of decisions?” Finn asked. “Like deciding to rob a jewelry store?”

  She nodded, her lips trembling. “It was all that bastard Stan’s idea. Morty and I were doing just fine. Our kids were grown and gone and we were settling into a nice life. Morty had finally earned his pension and was getting ready to retire. We were thinking of going on a cruise in the spring. Then Stan got out of prison and started hanging around again, filling Morty’s head with all these ideas.”

  “Ideas like robbing a jewelry store?” Finn coaxed, earning an exaggerated sigh from Zia.

  “Stan had this whole plan. He said he knew the night guard at a jewelry store who could get them in and out and knew the security codes. He had a guy who could fence the stolen jewelry, and he convinced Morty it would be an easy job. In and out, no problem.”

  “But there was a problem?” Zia asked.

  “With Stan, there’s always a problem. They pulled off the heist and everything seemed fine until the night guard turned up dead the next day. Morty finally told me what was going on, because he was worried Stan had taken out the guard and was coming after him next. Morty was holding on to the stolen goods, and he told me they’d taken a large stash of diamonds.”

  “I knew it,” Zia said. “I knew I saw diamonds.”

  Finn raised an eyebrow at her but wisely kept silent.

  “I tried to convince Morty to turn them in, but he didn’t want to go to the police. I told him that I’d seen Finney’s private eye business across from Zia’s when I’d been here for a reading, and suggested he come see you and maybe you could help him return the jewels anonymously and offer him some protection from Stan.”

  “A guy called and made an appointment with me last night, but I was late and I missed him,” Finn said. “That could have been Morty. Maybe Stan followed him here and tried to collect the diamonds. If Morty didn’t have them or wouldn’t tell him where they were, he may have killed him and trashed our offices looking for the stolen jewels. That’s just a theory that I’m coming up with by using logic and deduction.” He looked at Zia. “I don’t have any magic feelings about what happened or any psychic visions of a bloody room.”

  A hurt look crossed Zia’s face. Okay, that was kind of an asshole comment. Why was he being so hard on her? An hour ago, he couldn’t get enough of her, and now he was falling back into those feelings of doubt.

  He reached down and took her hand in his, entwining their fingers and giving hers a reassuring squeeze. He leaned his head down toward her ear and softened his tone. “Sorry, that was out of line. Old dog and all that.”

  He was sure the others were watching and curious as to why he was holding hands with the psychic next door, but he really didn’t care. The feeling of warmth that filled him when he clasped her hand and the smile she rewarded him with now were worth whatever ribbing he would get from Jake later.

  “I think there’s only one way to find out the answer for sure,” Zia said.

  He nodded. “Right. We need to track down this Stan guy and get him to talk.”

  “No, that’s not what I meant. We need to get the answers from the source. See what Morty has to tell us about his murder.”

  “That would be great, except he’s dead.” The sarcastic tone snuck back in, followed by the realization that she was seriously discussing talking to the dead guy.

  Uh oh. He didn’t like where this was headed.

  “Yes, but that’s what I do. I can sometimes communicate with dead people.”

  Finn squeezed her hand again, determined to hold the connection between them, and tried his best not to roll his eyes. How did she plan on talking to this dead guy? Send him an email? Was there a spiritual information highway? Maybe she could call him. Maybe instead of cell service, she had soul service and she could just dial up 1-800-Ghost-Chat.

  “I think we should hold a séance and see if we can’t connect to Morty’s spirit. His body just left the building and we’re half an hour away from the stroke of midnight on Halloween night. The timing couldn’t be better.”

  “I think that’s a great idea. Can I be part of it?” Edna asked, practically rubbing her hands together in glee.

  Zia nodded. “I need you all to be part of it. There’s magic in the number six, so I will need all of you. And Phyllis, you’re the most connected to the spirit through the strongest bond, which is love. Would you be up to trying to connect with Morty’s spirit?”

  Phyllis nodded. “Of course. I would do anything to talk to Morty one more time. To tell him that I love him and I’m sorry that I yelled at him about putting his socks in the hamper the last day I saw him alive.”

  Edna patted her arm. “Don’t worry about that, honey. I’m sure he wouldn’t even remember you mentioning the clothes hamper. Men are like dogs: they forget easily. They just remember that you feed them, give them a warm place to sleep, and rub their bellies once in a while.”

  Hmmm. She had a point. Finn gave the Batcouple a questioning look.

  Jake shrugged. “I’m always game for trying a new experience.” He looked down at Sunny. “How about you, Batgirl? Do you believe in all this ghosty stuff?”

  “I’m not exactly sure. I’ve never seen proof, but I’m open to the idea. I’ve lost enough people that I like to believe they could be around us, watching over their loved ones. I’m game for a séance.”

  “Great,” Zia said. “We need to hurry, though, because it’s creeping closer to midnight.”

  Did she have to say
creeping? This whole thing was creeping Finn out. He tried to control the shiver that threatened to race up his back as the group followed Zia to her office.

  She stopped in front of the door and turned back to give the group directions. “We can use my office. Finn and Jake can set up the table and chairs while I gather some things together. Phyllis, do you have anything of Morty’s with you? Anything that belonged to him or that he might have touched?”

  Phyllis opened her handbag and dug through the contents. She held up a wadded white handkerchief. “How about this? He handed me his hanky after I sneezed in church last weekend, and I threw it in my purse to wash for him later.”

  Zia smiled at her and led them into her office. “That will be perfect.”

  Great. This morning he was headed into work, minding his own business. He had the newspaper to read and a cup of coffee to drink. Plain old black coffee. His life was simple.

  Now he was sipping fancy pumpkin-flavored coffee, talking about ghosts, and following the gorgeous, round ass of a woman who made his heart pound and who told him she thought he was kind of sexy right before she kissed him senseless.

  If all that wasn’t unbelievable enough, he was getting ready to participate in a séance with Batman and Dolly Parton, and they were going to channel the dead guy’s spirit through a snot-filled handkerchief.

  While trying to stay open-minded, he felt like he’d been approaching this unknown door that was slightly ajar and he was just going to peek in, check out what was inside. Instead, the door had been flung wide open and he was being ushered inside and literally sitting down at the table in Spooksville.

  We are only afraid of what we don’t understand. He’d read that somewhere. Was that what was happening? Was he afraid? Afraid of a ghost? Hmm. Maybe. He sure as hell was afraid of this thing happening with Zia.

  There was only one thing to do: go give it a try. Both with Zia and the séance. The only way he would know for sure if ghosts were real was if they tried to communicate with one, and the only way he would know if this thing with Zia was real was if he tried. If he handed her his heart and took the chance that she wouldn’t break it.