St Piran's: Tiny Miracle Twins

by Maggie Kingsley

  She blinked. ‘None?’

  ‘I’ve had a lot of time to think over this past month,’ he declared with a rueful half-smile, ‘and I’ve realised you were right. Not everything can be measured on a balance sheet.’

  ‘But, if you don’t suggest any cuts, won’t the board simply bring in someone else to audit us?’ she protested. ‘They need to save money, and won’t they reason that if you can’t find a solution then maybe somebody else might? ‘

  ‘I’ve shown them how they can save money,’ he replied. ‘I’ve recommended cancelling the new, all-singing, all-dancing computer system they’ve ordered. Their old computer system—with some modifications—is more than up to the task.’

  ‘Right.’ She nodded.

  He backed up a step. ‘Well.that’s all I wanted to tell you, so.’

  He was going and, as she stared up at him, saw how careworn he looked, how very weary, she knew she still loved him. Despite everything he’d done, despite everything that had happened, she still loved him, and surely there had to be some way back for them, some way they could still be together?

  ‘Connor…’

  He stopped, and something that looked almost like hope stirred in his deep blue eyes. ‘Yes?’

  ‘I just wanted to say—you know—thank you,’ she said awkwardly. ‘On behalf of the parents, and the babies, I mean,’ she added.

  ‘That’s OK,’ he muttered.

  Oh, Lord, but why had she said that? She’d always been the one who’d accused him of not talking, of not saying what he was really thinking, and now she couldn’t seem to find the right words.

  ‘You’ll be going back to London tomorrow?’ she said desperately.

  ‘Not immediately,’ he replied. ‘I thought I might stay on here for a little while, have a holiday.’

  Despite herself, her lips curved.

  ‘You’re not going to find much to do in Penhally in April,’ she observed, and saw an answering, hesitant, smile appear on his lips.

  ‘Maybe I’ll take up beachcombing,’ he said. ‘How’s the new job going?’

  ‘Tiring,’ she admitted. ‘I hadn’t realised before just how much paperwork was involved.’

  ‘You look tired,’ he observed. ‘Just don’t overdo it, OK? I’ve had to learn the hard way that there’s more to life than work.’

  He’s given you an opening, she thought, so use it. Use it now, but she didn’t get a chance to.

  ‘How’s Rita? ‘ he continued, and, when she rolled her eyes, he laughed. ‘That good, eh?’

  ‘She was pretty subdued for about a week, but she bounced right back again pretty quickly. As she said to me, “Sister Flannigan, the Bible does say that charity begins at home, so I’d hardly be a good Christian if I didn’t find it in me to forgive my own granddaughter’s transgressions.”’

  ‘She actually said that?’ Connor gasped, and Brianna nodded.

  ‘Yup, she did. I’m afraid nothing keeps our Rita down for long.’

  ‘You know, in a weird way, I think I’m going to miss her,’ he observed. ‘Of course, it’s going to be in a very weird way.’

  Brianna laughed and, as he half turned, clearly thinking their conversation was over, she took a step forward.

  ‘The Renwicks told me you’ve been visiting the unit in the evening,’ she said. ‘Nicola said you’ve been talking to her, too.’

  ‘They’re a nice couple, and she’s a sweet kid, so…’ His shoulders lifted awkwardly.

  ‘But why, Connor?’ she asked. ‘Your assessment of NICU was over weeks ago, so why did you keep coming back here?’

  To her surprise, a deep tide of colour crept over her husband’s cheeks.

  ‘It’s stupid—silly,’ he muttered. ‘Not worth talking about.’

  ‘Tell me,’ she pressed.

  ‘You’ll think I’m crazy.’

  ‘Just tell me,’ she protested, and saw him take a deep breath.

  ‘Because it’s where you work, and being in the unit. Sometimes I caught a hint of the soap you use, and it made me feel…close to you again, as though I was still a part of your life.’

  Tears welled in her eyes. ‘Oh, Connor—’

  ‘Told you it was stupid, didn’t I?’ he said awkwardly, and she shook her head.

  ‘No,’ she replied with difficulty. ‘I don’t think it’s stupid at all.’

  ‘I’d better go,’ he said again. ‘I’ve taken up more than enough of your time.’

  She put out her hand quickly.

  ‘This holiday you’re taking,’ she said hesitantly. ‘It seems like such a waste of money for you to stay in a hotel. You…you could move back into my cottage tomorrow, if you want. I mean, it would give us more time to talk,’ she continued, feeling her cheeks beginning to darken as he stared at her, his face expressionless. ‘And I.I would very much like for us to talk some more, if…if you’d like to, that is?’

  A smile curved the corners of his mouth. A smile that grew, and grew.

  ‘I would like that very much indeed,’ he said, and she smiled in return, a suddenly shy, self-conscious smile.

  ‘I’d better get back to work,’ she said, ‘otherwise they’ll be sending out a search party for me.’

  He nodded, and she turned, but she must have turned too fast because a wave of giddiness swept over her, and if Connor hadn’t caught her she would have fallen.

  ‘Are you OK?’ he said anxiously.

  ‘Rush of blood to the head, that’s all,’ she said, wishing the walls in the corridor would stop moving.

  ‘You’re sure?’ he pressed. ‘Hell, Brianna, you’re chalk-white.’

  ‘I’m fine—just fine,’ she said shakily, taking several deep breaths. ‘I shouldn’t have skipped breakfast this morning, but I felt a bit queasy.’

  ‘You’ll have breakfast every morning when I move back in, and no arguments,’ he said firmly, and she laughed.

  ‘Going to be the flatmate from hell, are you?’ she said, and he smiled but she could see his eyes were still concerned.

  ‘When it comes to your health, you bet I am,’ he declared.

  She still felt slightly sick, and giddy, she realised as she walked away from him back into the ward, and it was weird. She didn’t get sick—never had done. It had always been Connor who contracted every cold or infection going. She’d used to laugh, and tell him he could be the one-stop shop for medical students practising their skills, and he hadn’t appreciated the joke. The only time she’d ever felt sick.

  She came to a halt in the middle of the ward, her heart suddenly racing. The only time she’d ever felt sick had been when she’d been expecting Harry. The only time her emotions had been all over the place, as they were right now, had been when she’d been pregnant with Harry.

  ‘No,’ she whispered, as she desperately tried to count back to the night when she and Connor had made love. ‘I can’t be. I can’t.’

  But she could.

  Keep calm, she told herself, don’t panic, keep calm. You could simply be late. You’ve only missed one period, and stress can do that. It took seven years for you to conceive Harry so the odds on you conceiving in one night are minuscule.

  But not impossible.

  ‘Chris, I just need to slip out for a moment,’ she said, hoping her voice didn’t sound nearly as strained as she thought it did.

  It couldn’t have done because the staff nurse simply nodded vaguely, and quickly Brianna left the unit and headed for Gynae.

  No matter how long she stared at the thin blue lines they didn’t go away. She’d sneaked three pregnancy kits out of Gynae, had been determined to leave nothing to chance, and each and every one of the kits said the same thing. She was pregnant.

  ‘Brianna, are you in there?’ Megan called, from outside the staffroom toilet.

  ‘Yes…I’m here,’ she managed to say.

  ‘A and E have phoned. Four-month-old on its way to us. Mother seriously injured in a car crash, baby looks to have nothing more than minor lesions but
they want us to check him out.’

  And I don’t want to do this, Brianna thought, squeezing her eyes shut. I can’t deal with this, not right now, but she knew she must.

  ‘I’ll be out in a minute,’ she said, and, when she heard Megan’s footsteps fading away, she stared at the pregnancy kits on the floor in front of her.

  One pregnancy test could get it wrong, but it was impossible for three to give the wrong result. A baby was growing inside her, and no amount of staring at the kits would alter that. No amount of willing the results to be different would change them, and stiffly she got to her feet, and even more stiffly walked out of the toilet, down the corridor, and into the ward.

  The heat enveloped her instantly, but it didn’t comfort her as it normally did. All she could see were the IV lines, tubes and incubators. All she could hear was the rasping sound of the ventilators, the constant bleep of the monitors, and in seven months’ time, if she didn’t go full term, as she hadn’t before, she’d be back in here, not as a nurse but as a mother. A mother whose child’s life would be attached to all those tubes and wires. A mother whose child would be clinging to life. A sob broke from her.

  ‘Brianna, what’s wrong? ‘

  Megan was standing in front of her, her eyes full of concern, and Brianna shook her head.

  ‘I have to get out of here.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘I can’t bear this, I can’t!’ Brianna exclaimed, all too aware that Chris was gazing at her open-mouthed, Mr Brooke looked stunned, and Josh.

  He was there, too, and he was walking towards her, worry and confusion written all over his face, and she turned and ran. Out of the ward, out of the unit, not knowing know where she was going, not even caring, just so long as she got away.

  ‘Brianna, wait up a moment! ‘

  She didn’t want to wait as she heard Megan running after her. She was going to have wait for the next eight months, endure eight whole months of fear, and she pressed her fist against her mouth hard as another sob came from her.

  ‘Brianna, what’s happened? What’s wrong?’

  Megan had caught up with her, was trying to steer her into the on-call room, and she tried to pull herself free, but the paediatric specialist registrar was a lot stronger than she looked.

  ‘Megan, let me go,’ she said, her voice raw. ‘Please, just let me go.’

  ‘No way,’ her friend replied. ‘You’re clearly very upset. Shall I get Connor? I can phone him—’

  ‘No—no—don’t get him!’ Brianna begged. ‘Please, don’t get him!’

  ‘Then tell me what’s wrong, what’s happened, because I swear I’ll phone him if you don’t,’ Megan replied, her eyes dark with anxiety.

  Slowly, Brianna went into the on-call room, and sat down heavily on the bed.

  ‘I…Oh, God, Megan. I’m pregnant.’

  The specialist paediatric registrar stared at her silently for a heartbeat, then sat down beside her.

  ‘And I take it this is not good news?’ she said gently.

  ‘It’s the worst news,’ Brianna cried. ‘The very worst news in the world!’

  Megan’s eyes darkened with an expression Brianna didn’t understand, then she cleared her throat.

  ‘The baby…is it Connor’s?’ she asked hesitantly, and when Brianna nodded she sighed. ‘Look, I know you’re not exactly on speaking terms with him at the moment, but you told me just a few weeks ago that you loved him, and maybe you can resolve whatever’s driven you apart, and even if you can’t, lots of women are single mothers—’

  ‘I know,’ Brianna interrupted. ‘I know all that, but it isn’t that simple, Megan, I wish to God it was. Three years ago Connor and I…we had a child. We’d been trying for a baby for seven years, and when I discovered I was pregnant it was…’ She took an uneven breath. ‘It was like having all of my birthdays and Christmases in one go.’

  ‘What happened?’ Megan asked, her eyes fixed on her.

  ‘I must have had one of the worst pregnancies ever,’ Brianna replied. ‘I was sick the whole time, but I didn’t care. I used to talk to him, Megan. All the time I’d talk to the baby, tell him what I was doing, what I could see, and tell him how…’ Tears spilled over her cheeks, and she didn’t rub them away. ‘How he was going to be the most loved baby in the whole world, and when he was born. Connor—he says he looked like me, but he didn’t. He looked like him, and he died, Megan. He only lived for twelve hours, and then my beautiful, precious son died.’

  ‘Oh, Brianna, I am so sorry,’ Megan declared, her own eyes filling, ‘and discovering you’re pregnant again. You must be scared to death, but just because your son died doesn’t mean every other baby you have will die, too.’

  ‘He had an inherited heart condition, Megan, and you know what that means. It means there’s a very strong likelihood it will happen again.’

  ‘Brianna, listen to me—’

  ‘Why? ‘ Brianna hurled at her. ‘What’s the point? You don’t understand—you can’t. You’ve never given birth to a child and been forced to watch him die. You’ve never watched your baby slowly slip away from you, knowing there was nothing you could to stop it.’

  ‘I have.’

  Brianna’s eyes flew to her friend’s, and she saw such an unutterable pain there that for a moment she forgot her own despair.

  ‘You had a baby?’ she whispered.

  ‘A son, like you,’ Megan replied, her voice low, but there was no mistaking the heartache in it. ‘He was born eight years ago when I was a student doctor. His father was a doctor, too, working in the same hospital as me, and he was so handsome, Brianna. Handsome, and charming, and such fun, and I…’ She closed her eyes. ‘Even though he never seemed to notice me, I guess I was a little in love with him right from the first moment I saw him.’

  ‘You’re…you’re talking about Josh, aren’t you?’ Brianna said hesitantly, and Megan nodded.

  ‘I always thought I was too quiet for him, too studious, and then…’ She took a breath. ‘I went to a party, and he was there, and suddenly he seemed very interested in me, and…’ A tear ran down the paediatric specialist registrar’s cheek, and she brushed it away. ‘It wasn’t a one-night stand, Brianna, not for me. I thought it was the start of something special, but.’

  ‘He walked away when he discovered you were pregnant?’ Brianna said tentatively, and Megan laughed.

  A harsh, bitter laugh that made Brianna wince.

  ‘I didn’t even get the chance to tell him I was pregnant. We were supposed to meet up the next day, and he stood me up, and when I saw him a few days later, he blanked me. He just walked straight past me as though he’d never met me, far less made love to me.’

  ‘Oh, Megan—’

  ‘When I discovered I was pregnant, my career was just taking off, and I thought, I can’t give this baby a home. I can’t give him the attention he deserves, so I was going to have an abortion until I saw the scan. When I saw this tiny figure inside me…’ She shook her head. ‘This tiny, oh, so perfect little human being inside me…’

  ‘You couldn’t go through with it.’

  ‘He was my baby, Brianna, my little boy, and even if his father didn’t want him, I did, and then…’ Megan took a deep breath, and Brianna could see her friend’s lips were trembling. ‘I collapsed in the street when I was twenty-three weeks pregnant. Placental abruption, that’s what the doctor in A and E said, and I was bleeding out, and I could hear someone shouting, “She has to be saved. The baby can’t be saved, but we can save her”, and I didn’t want them to save me. I…’ A sob escaped her. ‘I just wanted to die, to be with my son, but they didn’t let me die. They performed a complete hysterectomy, which means I can’t ever have any more children.’

  ‘Oh, Megan,’ Brianna cried. ‘I am sorry…so, so sorry.’

  ‘I have relived that day so many times, Brianna,’ Megan said, her voice shaking. ‘Wondered so often if maybe Stephen knew I’d considered having an abortion, and, because he thought I di
dn’t want him, he decided I was better off without him, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t.’

  ‘But, having been through all that, having suffered the death of a child, can’t you see why I can’t face this again?’ Brianna insisted. ‘Can’t you understand that I can’t carry a child, grow to love it, and then have that baby die, too?’

  ‘Brianna, statistically, the odds that everything might be all right—’

  ‘Might be—could be. Megan I don’t want might,’ Brianna protested. ‘I don’t want could. I want you to tell me this baby will live!’

  ‘I can’t promise you that—no one can,’ Megan replied. ‘Brianna—’

  She’d already got jerkily to her feet.

  ‘I want to go home, Megan. I just want to get away from here, and go home.’

  ‘But, Brianna…’

  Her friend was already heading out of the on-call room, and for a moment Megan stared indecisively after her, then pulled her mobile phone from her pocket and dialled quickly.

  ‘Pick up your phone, Connor,’ she muttered. ‘This is important, so pick up your damn phone!’

  But he didn’t. She’d reached his voice mail, and the last thing she wanted was his voice mail, but she left a message anyway, and then she left the on-call room only to stop dead. Josh was standing outside in the corridor, and his face told her everything.

  ‘You heard,’ she said flatly, and, when he nodded she shrugged, though her eyes were dark with shadows. ‘There’s no need to look quite so shocked. It’s not as though you didn’t already know about Stephen, and my hysterectomy.’

  ‘Megan—’

  She didn’t let him finish. She simply walked back into the duty room and slammed the door, but he came in after her.

  ‘Megan, if I could have saved Stephen, I would,’ Josh said hoarsely. ‘But he was too little, too premature, you know he was, and if we hadn’t carried out the hysterectomy, you would have died, and I couldn’t have borne that. Losing you as well as my son—’

  ‘Are you asking me to believe you cared?’ she demanded, her voice hard. ‘If you are, then it’s too little, too late.’

  ‘Megan, listen to me,’ he begged, his face white. ‘You cannot possibly hate me more than I hate myself right now. When I held Stephen in my hands for those few brief moments, when I saw he wasn’t breathing, knew he would never breathe—’