A Hopeful Heart

by Amy Clipston

  Elizabeth held up her finger. “Now, don’t get your hopes up too high. The board will have to interview you at the end of the school year. I just wanted to let you know I’m going to give my recommendation to the board. I’ll let you know when the members want to meet with you.”

  “Danki again.” Lillian shook her hand. “I truly appreciate your help with this.”

  Elizabeth nodded and then headed for the door. “Have a gut evening.”

  “You too.” Once Elizabeth was gone, Mattie hugged Lillian. “You’ll be the best teacher.”

  “I hope so. It feels too gut to be true.”

  “No, it’s not too gut to be true. The Lord has led you to this job, and he’ll guide your path. Just put your faith in him.”

  Lillian nodded. “I will.”

  Lillian rushed through the back door and into the kitchen, where Andrew was eating cookies. Her mother pulled an apple pie from the oven, and the smell filled the room.

  “I’m so excited!” Lillian dropped her bag on a chair. “Elizabeth Beiler came to see me today.”

  Her mother raised her eyebrows. “What did she want?”

  “She’s going to recommend me to the school board as the teacher next year.” Lillian danced over to her mother and hugged her. “Danki so much.”

  “You’re really going to be my teacher?” Andrew grimaced. “Why don’t you apply in another district instead?”

  Mamm wagged a finger at him, despite a smile forming on her lips. “That’s not nice, Andrew.”

  Andrew shrugged and stood. “I’m going to go help Onkel Josh and Daniel.” He took his empty plate to the counter before disappearing through the mudroom.

  “I’m so froh, Mamm. Danki for talking to the bishop. That had to be difficult for you.”

  Mamm nodded. “It was difficult, but I did it for you. I just want you and your siblings to be froh.” She touched Lillian’s face. “It’s so gut to see you smile again.”

  “I can’t wait to tell Amanda.” Lillian leaned over and inhaled the sweet scent of the pie, which caused her stomach to growl. “I can’t wait until this is cooled. I want to cut it now.”

  “No, no.” Mamm wagged a finger at her. “We have to let it cool.”

  Lillian started for the stairs. “I’m going to get changed and then start weeding the garden.”

  As she climbed to the second floor, she grinned. Things were starting to look up. She couldn’t wait to tell Leroy she might be the teacher next year. Maybe they would both be baptized in a couple of years and could start dating. The possibility caused her heart to thump in her chest.

  Josh wiped his brow with a handkerchief and smiled as Andrew approached him. “Hi, Andrew. How was school?”

  “Gut.” He shrugged. “You know, the usual. Boring.”

  Josh chuckled and touched his nephew’s arm. “You know you have to go to school so you can be smart enough to help me run this farm.”

  “I’m already smart enough.” Andrew flexed his arms. “And I’m strong enough. I was the only bu strong enough to lift a giant rock on the playground today. See? Look at my muscles.”

  “You do have big muscles.” While Andrew chattered on about the large rock on the playground, Josh glanced toward the house and thought of Hannah. He’d been thinking of her and wanted to talk to her, but didn’t know what to say ever since he saw her in Trey Peterson’s arms that day. He felt as if he’d been punched in his chest when she allowed that man to touch her. The feeling was so intense he thought he might be physically ill. Why couldn’t Hannah see that she didn’t belong with a man like Trey? Instead, she belonged with someone like him, a good, faithful man who was true to the Amish way of life.

  Hannah invited him to stay for supper a few times, but he came up with excuses. She’d stopped asking him after the third time he turned her down. Although he was hurt and angry by the sight of her touching that Englisher, he still cared about her.

  “You should try to pick up that rock sometime, Onkel Josh. It’s huge!” Andrew gestured widely. “It was bigger than a cat!”

  “That’s pretty big.” Josh leaned against the fence. “How’s your mamm doing?”

  “She’s fine.” His expression became quizzical. “Last night I listened in on a conversation that confused me. I was supposed to go upstairs and get my bath, but I stood by the stairs and listened while Mamm talked to my schweschdere.”

  “What were they talking about?”

  “Mei mamm went to see the bishop yesterday. She said something about people talking about her. Why would people say bad things about mei mamm?”

  Intrigued, Josh rubbed his chin and wondered if it had to do with her and that Englisher. “Well, I’m not certain, Andrew. Did she give you any idea what they’ve been saying?”

  “No, but she told the bishop she was sorry for what she did, and she was going to stay away from Mr. Peterson.” He squinted as if trying to figure out a puzzle. “Why would talking to Mr. Peterson be a bad thing?”

  Josh paused, wondering how to explain the situation in terms Andrew might understand. “It’s sort of complicated, Andrew. People think your mamm shouldn’t talk to him because he’s English.”

  “So, we’re only allowed to talk to Amish people? But I’ve seen you talk to Englishers when they come to look at horses.”

  “It’s a little more than just talking to someone when they want to buy a horse. When people see your mamm talk to Mr. Peterson, they might think she likes him as more than a freind. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  “Oh.” Andrew nodded. “People might think she wants Mr. Peterson to be her boyfriend.” His eyes widened. “She doesn’t want him to, does she?”

  Josh frowned. “I hope not.”

  “Oh.” Andrew paused as if to consider this. “I guess that makes sense. Mamm also said she asked the bishop to talk to the school board and tell them to give Lillian a chance to be the teacher next year.” He grimaced. “Mrs. Beiler came to see Lillian today and told her she may get the job. Why does mei schweschder have to be my teacher? I see her enough at the haus.”

  Josh grinned at his nephew’s bleak expression. “Your schweschder will be a great teacher. You’ll do just fine.”

  “Josh!” Daniel called from the other side of the barn. “Are you going to come help me shoe these horses or what? I have the stock all set up.”

  Josh stood up straight. “Since you have these big muscles, you’re ready for some real work. Do you want to help Daniel and me shoe a couple of horses?”

  “Ya!” Andrew’s eyes were wide. “I’d love to help.”

  “Great.” Josh placed his hand on Andrew’s shoulder as they walked toward the shoeing stock on the other side of the large barn. He frowned as he thought of what Andrew had shared about Hannah. He’d felt guilty for telling a few of his friends about seeing her in an embrace with the Englisher. Maybe he was the one who’d started the rumor.

  Yet he wondered if the rumor was what had inspired her to make things right. After all, she promised not to see the Englisher anymore because people were talking about her. Perhaps if Hannah was sorry for her actions, she was ready to see what was right before her eyes: the love Josh wanted to give to her and her family. He wasn’t ready to give up on her. He was going to find a way to win her heart.

  After supper was over, Hannah brought the apple pie to the table. “I baked this earlier.”

  Lillian smiled as she grabbed the vanilla ice cream from the propane freezer. “Ya, she wouldn’t let us sample any. Believe me, I tried to convince her.”

  Hannah shook her head, marveling at the change in Lillian’s temperament ever since she’d gotten the news that Elizabeth Beiler was going to recommend her for the teaching job. Although she was relieved to see her daughter so happy, she wished she could squelch the empty feeling inside her. She missed Trey terribly and wondered how she’d ever mend the hole in her heart.

  “It smells appeditlich.” Josh smiled up at Hannah as she served him a piece.

>   The eagerness in his eyes caused her to nervously finger her apron. She wondered why Joshua was so determined to stay for supper tonight after turning her down the last few times she’d invited him. Something had changed in him, and it made her uneasy.

  “Mei mamm makes the best pies.” Amanda dropped a large piece onto her plate.

  Lillian studied her sister. “How do you stay so thin when you eat such large pieces of pie?”

  Amanda shrugged while cutting her piece. “I stay on my feet all day at the store. I guess that’s my exercise.”

  “It’s so unfair.” Lillian scowled. “No matter how much I cut down my portions, I still can’t get as thin as you.”

  “You’re perfect the way you are, Lily.” Hannah sliced through the air with her fork for emphasis. “Don’t worry about your weight. It’s not gut to obsess over your appearance. Pride is a sin, you know.”

  “How are things at school, Lily?” Josh wiped his mouth. “Are you staying busy?”

  “Oh, ya.” Lillian launched into a long discussion about the students and their antics on the playground.

  Hannah watched Joshua’s reactions while he listened to Lillian’s story. He smiled when she said something funny and frowned when she was serious. It was apparent he truly cared about her children.

  She knew he cared about her too, but she couldn’t reciprocate the love he had for her. She knew if she’d fallen in love with someone like Joshua, her life wouldn’t be as complicated. Yet the love in her heart was intended for someone she couldn’t have. She felt herself caught between her love for the community she’d known all her life and her blossoming feelings for a man she couldn’t consider dating unless she left her beloved community.

  Once the pie was gone, Hannah stood and began taking the dirty dishes to the counter.

  “Dinner and dessert were outstanding.” Josh stood and rubbed his abdomen. “I’m stuffed.”

  “Gut.” Hannah turned on the faucet and waited for the water to warm. “You’ll have plenty of energy to work on the farm again tomorrow.”

  “Ya. I will.” He touched Andrew’s back. “You get a gut night’s sleep so you can help Daniel and me tomorrow. You were a wunderbaar assistant today while we shoed the horses.”

  Andrew grinned. “You got it, Onkel Josh.”

  Hannah added dishwashing liquid to the water. A hand on her back caused her to jump. Turning, she found Josh looking down at her.

  “I’m walking out.” He leaned in close to her. “Would you like to come out with me?”

  Hannah hesitated.

  “You can go, Mamm.” Lillian brought the utensils to the sink. “Amanda and I will take care of this.”

  “Danki.” Hannah wiped her hands on a dish towel and then followed Joshua out the door and down the porch steps toward his buggy. “I’m glad you stayed for supper tonight.”

  “I am too.” He stopped at his buggy and faced her. “I’ve missed you.”

  Hannah studied his eyes, wondering why he was suddenly so pleasant after he’d berated her over her friendship with Trey. She forced a smiled and then gestured toward the house. “It’s getting late, so I better get back inside. See you tomorrow.”

  “Wait.” He reached for her hand and then pulled back before making contact. “I wanted to talk to you alone. That’s why I asked you to come out here with me.”

  Hannah folded her arms over her chest as alarm surged through her. She wondered what Joshua wanted. Was he going to lecture her again about Trey?

  “Andrew told me that he overheard a conversation last night.”

  Hannah stood up straight. “What did he hear?”

  “He said you spoke to the bishop about what happened with that Englisher.”

  “His name is Trey.” She nearly spat out the words.

  “Right. Trey.” He smiled. “I was froh to hear you’re reconsidering your friendship with him and you’re sorry for what you did.”

  Hannah blinked. Am I dreaming or is Joshua truly patronizing me? “My discussion with the bishop was private. I only wanted mei dochdern to know about it.”

  “I know.” Joshua touched his chest. “I’m sorry. Andrew asked me what it all meant. I think he just needed someone to talk to because he was confused. It wasn’t like I was listening to gossip.”

  Hannah snorted. “I think our whole community needs to stop listening to gossip. Have you heard what’s been said about me? Have you seen how folks have turned their backs on me? Even the school board has formed opinions about me. I had to go apologize to the bishop so Lillian could be considered as a candidate for teacher next year.”

  Joshua nodded. “I know what they’ve been saying. And I know you just had a momentary lapse of reason. You didn’t mean to put your arms around the Englisher. You really want to be with someone in the community, not him.”

  “A momentary lapse of reason?” Hannah pursed her lips as anger boiled inside her. “Joshua, I’ve known you since we were kinner, and I’d hoped you were more perceptive than that. Apparently I was wrong.” She started for the porch. “Gut nacht.”

  “Wait!” Joshua ran after her. “I’ve said something wrong. I’m sorry.”

  She spun and faced him. “No, you’re not sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry you and the rest of the community can’t be a little more open-minded about the Englishers. Trey is someone I can talk to, and he understands me. He knows what it feels like to wake up in the middle of the night and, for a moment, forget he’s alone because he still can’t believe his spouse is gone.”

  Josh’s eyes widened. “I lost Gideon too. No, he wasn’t my spouse, but he was mei bruder. We were close. I know what you’re going through, Hannah. I can help you too.”

  “No, you can’t. It’s not the same thing.”

  He opened his mouth to protest, and she interrupted him.

  “I’m not done.” She wiped away a tear and wished her voice wouldn’t quaver. “I promised I would stop seeing him for my family’s sake, not because I wanted to. I’m tired of getting dirty looks at church services. I’m tired of watching mei dochder mope around the haus because a rumor about me is preventing her from being a teacher. I swallowed what little self-respect I had left and went to see the bishop yesterday even though I don’t think I have anything to apologize for.”

  “Hannah, I just want—”

  “Stop.” She held up her hand. “You think you know what’s best for me, but, honestly, you don’t. I think I know what’s best for me.” She raised her chin. “Gut nacht.”

  “That’s not it.” His frown deepened. “I wasn’t going to tell you what’s best for you. I was going to tell you that I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

  She blanched. “What did you say?”

  “You heard me.” He frowned and shook his head. “I’ve loved you since we were teenagers, but I was invisible next to Gideon. You’re the reason I never married. No one could ever compare to you.”

  Hannah grimaced. “Joshua, that’s ridiculous.”

  “Is it?” He clicked his tongue. “You have no idea how much you mean to me, and every time I’ve tried to tell you, you’ve rebuffed me. I’ve been trying to get your attention ever since Gideon passed away. I never resented him for marrying you, but now that he’s gone, I want to try to make a life with you.” He pointed toward the stables. “We can run this farm together and be a family, a real family. You know I adore those kinner like they’re my own.”

  Hannah wiped another tear as regret and guilt filled her. She should never have been so nasty to Joshua. “I know you do, and they love you too.”

  “But you don’t love me.” His scowl was deep, causing her heart to ache. She’d never intended to hurt him.

  “Joshua, you know I care about you.”

  His expression softened. “That’s a start. All marriages are based on a caring relationship, Hannah. We’ve been family a long time, and we both want what’s best for your kinner.” His eyes were full of hope. “You may not be in love with me now
, but give yourself time. My parents started out as friends and fell in love later. You could eventually fall in love with me too.”

  Hannah sighed. “Joshua, it’s not that simple.”

  “Ya, it can be.” He reached for her hand and cradled it in his. “I truly believe God wants us to be together. Why else would he have given us this successful business? It makes sense, Hannah. Just think about it.” He nodded toward the pasture. “We have this beautiful farm. Let’s build a life together. Please, Hannah.” His eyes pleaded with her. “Please give me a chance to prove to you just how much I love you and the kinner. I think this is what Gideon would want.”

  She studied his hopeful expression and couldn’t bring herself to break his heart. His eyes were full of love for her and what could be. Was he right? Was this what Gideon would want? She couldn’t imagine that Gideon would want her to leave the community for an Englisher. After all, the community was where they’d grown up and where they’d planned to raise their children. Maybe Joshua was right. Maybe she did belong with him.

  “Will you just think about it, Hannah?” His words filled the uncomfortable silence between them.

  She gave him a slight nod.

  “Gut.” He gestured toward the buggy. “It’s getting late. I should go.”

  Hannah wrung her hands as she followed him. His proposal echoed through her mind.

  He smiled as he stood by the buggy. “We’ll talk again soon. Gut nacht.”

  Hannah watched the buggy roll down the driveway, and she wondered how her life had suddenly become so complicated. Confusion swarmed within her as she considered her quandary—Joshua’s offer of a life in a community she loved as opposed to the possibility of exploring a relationship and a new life with Trey.

  NINETEEN

  Sunday morning, Hannah sat at the table surrounded by her children. “Who would like to read for devotions?”

  “I would.” Amanda took the Bible from the center of the table. “I’d like to read from Romans today.”

  “That sounds gut.” Hannah smiled at her daughter.