A Hopeful Heart

by Amy Clipston

  Once the prayer was complete, Hannah began to fill her plate with potatoes, bacon, and eggs, even though her appetite was nonexistent. She’d endured another sleepless night of crying, praying, and worrying about how she was going to tell her children that she had made the decision to leave their Amish community.

  Lillian bit into a piece of bacon and then looked at Hannah. “Are you going back to work today, Mamm?”

  Hannah shook her head and folded her hands on the table. “No, I’m not going back today. I’m not certain about next week either.”

  The twins shared surprised expressions.

  “Did you get a new job, Mamm?” Andrew chewed a mouthful of bread.

  “Andrew, chew your brot with your mouth closed.” Lillian wagged a finger at him. “Mamm, why aren’t you going back to work? Were you laid off?”

  Andrew swallowed. “Were you fired?”

  “No, I wasn’t fired or laid off. I think I’m going to take my life in another direction.” Hannah paused for a moment. “I’ve made a decision.”

  Lillian’s eyes widened. “Ach, no.”

  “It was a very difficult decision, and I want you three to know I’ve prayed about it and agonized over it for quite a while. I didn’t make this decision without weighing all of my options and considering how it will affect you all.” She touched Lillian’s hand and Andrew’s arm. “You three mean the most to me. You’re the most important people in my life, and I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally.”

  Tears trickled down Lillian’s cheeks, and Amanda nodded.

  “What are you talking about?” Andrew scrunched his nose as he looked up at her. “You’re confusing me, Mamm.”

  “I’m sorry.” Hannah touched his nose. “I didn’t mean to confuse you. I’m talking about our life. We’re going to have to live a little differently.”

  “Mamm, just come out and say it.” Lillian’s voice quavered. “You’re leaving the church and then you’re going to marry that Englisher.” She pushed her chair back and stood. “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!” She turned and ran from the kitchen, her footsteps echoing as she stomped up the stairs and shouted. “I’m leaving. I’m going to Mammi’s haus.”

  Amanda touched Hannah’s hand. “Go talk to her. I’ll talk to Andrew.”

  Hannah sniffed as tears filled her eyes. “Danki.” She made her way upstairs and knocked on Lillian’s closed door. “Lillian, please let me talk to you.”

  “Just go away.”

  Hannah pushed the door open and found Lillian tossing her clothes into a large tote bag. “Lily, please stop packing. Please listen to me.”

  “I know what you’re going to say.” Lillian glared at Hannah. “You love him, and you can’t live without him. So you’re going to uproot all of us so you can live a new life that excludes our family.”

  “That’s not true.” Hannah sat in the chair next to the bed. “You know I love you and your siblings, but I can’t go on pretending I don’t love Trey. This wasn’t what I expected at all. I thought I’d stay here the rest of my life and marry another Amish man or live alone after you and your siblings were grown and living your own lives. This wasn’t part of my plan, but it seems like God has other plans for me.”

  Lillian opened another drawer in the bureau and began pitching more clothes into the bag. “I can’t stay in a haus where the Amish faith is questioned. I’m going to live with Mammi and Daadi. They will understand, and they will take me in.” She scowled at Hannah. “You told me you were going to stop seeing Mr. Peterson. You lied to me. You never stopped seeing him.”

  “Lillian, you’re not being fair to me. I’m trying to explain to you that I never meant to hurt you. When I told you I would stay away from Trey, I truly believed I could. But this was out of my control.”

  “But where does this leave me, Mamm? Where do I go from here?” Lillian faced Hannah with tears streaming down her face. “How can I be a teacher and get baptized if I’m living with you in your English haus?”

  “You can.” Hannah leaned forward. “There’s enough room for you and your siblings in the haus Trey is buying. You and your schweschder can share a room, and you can still teach. Nothing has to change for you.”

  “Everything will change.” Lillian gestured widely. “All of my freinden will feel sorry for me when they find out you’ve left the faith. They’ll treat me differently. It will be as if everyone has to be extra nice to me. I don’t want to be singled out. I want to be like everyone else.”

  Hannah sniffed and wiped her eyes. She knew Lillian was right. She’d seen how everyone treated her friend Rebecca after her mother chose to leave the faith. Rumors flew about the family and all of the young people were careful about what they said to Rebecca. Her friend was so embarrassed by the whispers and sad smiles that she too chose to leave the faith and go to public school. Hannah didn’t want Lillian to be the object of the community’s pity or rumors.

  “I’m sorry, Lily. I never intended to hurt you.” Tears trickled down Hannah’s face. “You mean so much to me.”

  “If I mean so much to you, then why are you abandoning me?” Lillian’s voice shook with anger. “You’re leaving me. You’re betraying Dat’s memory. I don’t understand why you’re doing this to me. We’re a family. We’re supposed to stay together.”

  “I didn’t plan this, Lillian.” Hannah’s voice was thin as a lump swelled in her throat. “I don’t want to lose you. You’re my kind. Ich liebe dich. I wish you would come with me. Losing you is breaking my heart.”

  “So, then don’t go. Stay here with Amanda, Andrew, and me. You can marry Onkel Josh, and we’ll be a family again.” Lillian’s voice trembled. “Please, Mamm. Don’t change everything. We’re doing fine here. It’s been hard since we lost Dat, but we’re doing okay.”

  Hannah’s heart ached as she stared into her daughter’s eyes. She’d thought she’d made the right decision when she decided to accept Trey’s proposal, but now she wasn’t so certain.

  A knock sounded on the door frame behind them. Amanda stood in the doorway with Andrew beside her. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but Andrew is ready to leave for school. He wants to say good-bye before he meets his freinden at the corner.”

  Hannah leaned down and touched Andrew’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to worry about this. I’ll talk to Onkel Josh and make sure you’ll always be able to help him on the farm. You’ll be able to see Huckleberry no matter where we live.”

  Andrew gnawed his lower lip. “Okay.”

  Hannah opened her arms, and Andrew gave her a quick hug. “Have a gut day. We’ll talk more later, okay?”

  Andrew nodded. “Amanda told me we have a lot of things to work out, but everything will be okay.”

  “That’s right.” Hannah forced a smile despite her breaking heart.

  Lillian wiped her tears and then waved to him. “See you later, Andrew.”

  “Bye!” Andrew ran down the stairs.

  Amanda stared at her twin. “Lily, what are you doing? Why are you packing?”

  “I’m leaving.” Lillian spoke with emphasis. “I’m moving in with Mammi. Mamm wants to leave the faith, and that leaves me all alone. She’s ruining my life and also betraying Dat.” She studied her sister. “I don’t understand why you’re so calm. Why aren’t you upset? Don’t you want to be baptized and stay in the community with me?”

  Amanda glanced at Hannah as if asking her permission to tell the truth.

  “Tell her, Amanda.” Hannah gestured toward Amanda, in an effort to encourage her. “You can be honest with your schweschder. Just because your choices are different doesn’t make them wrong.”

  “What are you talking about?” Lillian looked back and forth from her mother to her twin. “What are you both keeping from me now? Why does this family keep so many secrets?” Her voice rose again. “I feel like an outsider in my own family. Everyone is betraying me. It’s not fair.”

  “Just calm down and listen, Lily,” Hannah said.<
br />
  “Lily, you’re my twin. I would never betray you. Just give me a chance to explain myself.” Amanda took a deep breath. “One of the customers who comes into the deli is a guy named Mike. He and I have become freinden. He’s leaving for college in the fall, and I’ve been asking him about school. I want to try to get my GED. If I get a high school diploma, I could think about college too. I’ve always dreamt of becoming a veterinarian, but I’ve been afraid to tell you. I didn’t think you’d understand.”

  “So you want to live with Mamm and be English too.” Lillian’s eyes glistened with tears. “That means Andrew and Amanda will live with you, Mamm.” Lillian folded her arms over her middle. “I’ll be the only one who stays Amish. You’re all abandoning me.”

  “That’s not true, Lillian. I love you, and I will never abandon you.” Hannah reached forward to take Lillian’s hand, but Lillian pulled away.

  “Ya, you are abandoning me. You’re leaving me.” More tears poured down Lillian’s cheeks. “Dat would never approve of this. He would take my side.”

  “Dat is gone.” Amanda touched her sister’s arm. “If Dat were here, then we wouldn’t be discussing this. Mamm is trying to make a life now that he’s gone.”

  Lillian glared at Hannah, causing Hannah to flinch. “If you leave the faith for that man, I won’t give you my blessing. I won’t come and visit you at your home either. If you want to see me, you’ll have to come to Mammi’s. I will never accept your decision to leave the faith or marry that man.”

  Amanda wagged a finger at her sister. “You shouldn’t talk to Mamm that way. That’s disrespectful.”

  “It’s okay, Amanda. I will respect your sister’s feelings.” Hannah studied Lillian. “I don’t want you to leave.”

  “It’s too late.” Lillian hefted her bag up onto her shoulder. “I’m going and you can’t stop me.” She marched out of the room and down to the kitchen while Hannah and Amanda followed her to the back door.

  “Please don’t go. You’re my twin.” Amanda’s voice trembled. “I can’t imagine being alone in our room.”

  Lillian faced them and her eyes were red and puffy. “I can’t stay here. I don’t belong here anymore.”

  “Ich liebe dich.” Hannah said the words and then swallowed a sob.

  “Lily, please.” Amanda shook her head. “Please don’t leave us.”

  Lillian turned and disappeared out the back door.

  Hannah stared after her for a moment. She then lowered herself into a chair at the kitchen table as overwhelming grief crashed down on her. “I just lost my dochder.”

  Amanda sat beside her and rubbed her arm. “She’ll be back.”

  They sat in silence for a moment, and Hannah wondered if she was making the wrong decision. She’d prayed that Lillian would somehow understand and accept her decision to leave the community and start a new life with Trey. Yet she knew deep down that Lillian would never accept it. She’d known all along that this was inevitable. Yet it didn’t make accepting Lillian’s leaving any easier.

  “We can’t stay in this house when you’re excommunicated.” Amanda’s voice was quiet and unsure. “When are we going to have to move?”

  “I’m not certain about that yet.” Hannah ran her fingers over the wood grain in the table. “I need to talk to a few people first. I’m going to tell Onkel Josh tomorrow.”

  “Okay.” Amanda nodded. “Remember, Mamm, I’ll support you no matter what.”

  “Danki, mei liewe.” Hannah blew out a deep breath and considered all of the planning she needed to do. First she had to tell the members of her community her decision and then she’d tell Trey. Her pulse raced at the thought of telling Trey she was ready to give him her whole heart.

  Yet her heart was broken after seeing her daughter walk out the door. She hoped somehow she could convince Lillian to forgive her.

  TWENTY-FIVE

  Amanda gnawed her lower lip and stepped into the bookstore during lunchtime later that day. She smiled when she spotted Mike working at the front counter. His eyes met hers, and he grinned in return.

  “Amanda!” Mike waved as she approached. “It’s great to see you. How have you been?”

  “I’m fine.” Amanda fingered her wallet in her apron pocket. “How are you?”

  “I’m doing great. I graduate next week.”

  “That’s fantastic.” Amanda clapped her hands together. “You must be so excited.”

  “I am.” He gestured toward her. “I’m really surprised to see you in here. How can I help you?”

  “I’m looking for a book.”

  He stepped out from behind the counter. “What kind of book are you looking for?”

  Amanda pointed toward the far side of the store. “I believe it’s located in the reference section.”

  “Okay. Let’s head over there.”

  Amanda walked beside him as they made their way through the fiction and religion sections toward reference.

  “Now, what kind of book would you like?” He pointed toward the books lining the shelves. “We have history books, language books, dictionaries …”

  “I was looking for the GED preparation books.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “You’re going to get your GED?”

  “I’m going to try.” She shrugged. “I guess we’ll see if I pass.”

  “I’m certain you will. That’s fabulous, Amanda. I’m so happy for you.” He chose a book from the shelf and showed it to her. “Here you go.”

  “Thanks.” Amanda examined the cover and wondered if she’d be intelligent enough to understand the contents of the book. “I’m going to look through it and see if I can learn it. It’s been a couple of years since I was in school.”

  “I’m sure you can do it.” He leaned against the shelf. “I’d be happy to tutor you, though. We can get together at lunchtime and talk about the book.”

  “I’d like that.” Amanda hugged the book to her chest while imagining spending her lunchtime with him every day. She’d have to talk to Nancy about it and explain that he was helping her study so that Nancy wouldn’t get the wrong idea. Maybe her mamm would have to talk to Nancy’s parents about it too; she couldn’t lose her job right now. But she would worry about that later. She smiled up at him. “I bet you’re excited about your graduation.”

  “Oh yeah. I can’t wait.”

  She thought about her mother’s decision to leave the church and considered telling Mike. She glanced behind her to make sure no one was close to them and then lowered her voice. “Things are going to change for my family.”

  He stepped closer to her. “What do you mean?”

  “My mom decided she wants to leave the church.”

  He frowned. “I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what that means.”

  “That means she doesn’t want to be Amish anymore.”

  “She doesn’t want to be Amish?”

  Amanda shook her head.

  “How do you feel about that?” Mike’s eyes were full of concern.

  “I’m okay with it.”

  He nodded. “How are your siblings taking this decision? Are they as understanding and supportive as you are?”

  Amanda grimaced. “My sister isn’t taking it well at all. She’s having a hard time understanding why my mom wants to leave the church.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. It’ll be a big adjustment since you have to move and all.”

  “Ya. My sister wants to stay Amish, so she moved in with my grandparents. My brother and I will go with my mom.” Amanda looked down at the book in her hands. “I don’t think I want to be Amish either.”

  “What about your brother?”

  “He’s sad, but my mom promised he’ll still see our uncle and help out on the farm. I’m certain he’s most upset about leaving his favorite horse, but I’m sure my uncle will say he can visit Huckleberry anytime.” She thought of her farm. “It’s funny. I’ve lived in this one house my whole life, but I’m not as sad as I thought I’d be about leaving. I’m
looking forward to seeing where my life will lead.”

  “Do you have to leave Lancaster County after your mother is shunned?”

  “No.” Amanda shook her head. “We can stay close by. We just can’t do business with other Amish families, so my mom can’t keep the horse business.”

  “Oh. Where does your mom want to live?”

  “I’m not certain, but I hope we’ll be close to Paradise.”

  “That’s good.” Mike smiled. “We can still be friends.”

  “Mike!” a voice called from the front of the store. “Can you take over the register?”

  “That’s my uncle. I better get back to work.”

  Amanda looked up at him. “Thanks for your help finding the book.”

  “You’re welcome. Let’s go up to the front, and I’ll ring it up for you real quick. I can give you the family discount.”

  She walked with him to the front of the store. Mike took his place behind the counter and rang up a customer before taking care of Amanda’s book. She gave him the money, and he slipped the book into a bag and handed it to her.

  “Thank you. See you later.” Amanda gripped the bag and started toward the door. She couldn’t wait to start studying for the GED.

  Amanda hurried across the street to the deli. She slipped into the break room and put the book into her tote bag.

  “What are you doing?”

  Amanda looked back and found Nancy eyeing her from the doorway. “I didn’t hear you come in. I bought a book at the bookstore.”

  Nancy craned her neck. “What kind of book did you get? Is it a novel for your schweschder?”

  “No, it isn’t for Lily. It’s for me.”

  “Does it have to do with the GED?”

  Amanda nodded.

  “Oh.” Nancy frowned as she stepped into the room. “I had a feeling you’d want to do that. You’re smart enough to pass a big test like that. I always wished I were as smart as you when we were in school.”

  Amanda’s mouth gaped. “Nancy, I had no idea you felt that way.”

  “Ya, I always have. You’ve always been so much braver than I was.” Nancy motioned toward the bag. “I’d never have the confidence to try to take a test like that.” She looked back toward the doorway. “And my parents would never let me take the test. Does your mamm know you want to take it?”